Hey!  Hey you there...  What are you holding in your hand?

Oh really?  Just some skittles and iced tea, huh?  No drugs or guns?  Yeah, right.

Just turn around and put your hands behind your head.  NOW!

I don't need any of your lip, BOY!  I'll show you my badge later!  Now turn around!

Goddammit, I'm the one asking the questions here!  See this?  This gun says you'd better do exactly what I say.  What gang do you belong to, huh?  You a blood, kid?  You out to steal some car stereos, or something?

Don't even THINK about about trying to run, you bastard!

HEY!  Get on the ground!  GET ON THE GROUND!

*BANG*

OH SHIT!  OH SHIT!  OH SHIT!  OH SHIT!  OH SHIT!  All right.... Calm down... Just try to look as white as possible when the cops show up... C'mon, George!  You can do this... Just relax...

It's that time again! Another Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly to give you all the news that's fit to fap to. Today we will learn more about masturbation in mythology, useful applications of masturbation in modern life, and as always we have another installment of "Diff'rent Strokes".

Mythological Masturbators

Some social conservatives may find this hard to believe, but masturbation is not a modern invention that was spawned by the advent of internet pornography, but has been with us since we grew arms long enough to reach our junk. In fact we find bawdy tales of genital-fondling in ancient mythology that proves we have had a fixation on the practice that squirted its way into our cultural identity.

Take the Egyptian god Atum, for instance. Atum was supposedly the first of the ancient gods to be born from the river Nun. His birth was considered to be self-creation, and went even further when he created his first two children, Shu and Tefnut by masturbating them out of his turgid penis. This may seem like an impossible act, but luckily old Atum was known by the Egyptians as "The Great He-She". That's right, Atum was a hermaphrodite and therefore had all the equipment necessary to spawn children. This sounds like the ultimate act of inbreeding to me, and gives credibility to the argument that if you have an outie AND an innie you should wear a condom while pleasuring yourself.

Then there's the famous masturbating Mesopotamian god Enki, who was said to have created the Tigris river when he fondled himself so vigorously that his ejaculate spilled across the land forming the raging stream. Now it is worth saying that this story cannot be attributed directly to Mesopotamian lore, but was recounted in a Sumerian text. For those unfamiliar with the Sumerians, they are famous for bringing us the first western written language, and for creating Gozer the Gozerian and Zuul, who we all can remember nearly destroyed New York city.

But my favorite mythological masturbator is Pan, the half-man-half-goat god of the pastures. He is so horny that he would frequently hide his goatness to seduce women, and was a companion of the nymphs. Pan supposedly was the first entity to discover masturbation, and was so enthralled with the practice that he decided to teach it to the shepherds that he had dominion over. Naturally this helped eliminate the prevalent problems with sheep-fucking and spread across the globe like wildfire. So the next time you badger your badger remember to thank good old Pan!

Masturbatory Multitasking

We all know that the main reason for masturbation is for... well... pleasure. But the act also has many other applications that one can take advantage of, giving us all many more reasons to beat our meat!

For instance, did you know that wanking can be used to treat a whole host of medical issues other than blue balls? It helps to alleviate headaches, distract the mind from pain, balance endorphin levels in the brain, reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men, AND decrease the instances of cervical infections in women. I guess that's where the old folk saying "A healthy man has his cock in his hand" comes from!

Jerkin' the gherkin is also a common way that a person can improve their psychology. Masturbation relieves stress and helps a person distract themselves from the negative thoughts and circumstances that plague them in their personal lives. I can't help but think that Rick Santorum would be a lot less uptight if he gave himself a pounding every now and then. I hear he even got a tattoo of a crucifix on his penis to help him control the urges.

Diff'rent Strokes!

The Aristocrat-

  This method is a throwback from the Victorian era when ladies were fancy and guys were gentlemen.  The most distinguising characteristic of this variant is the uplifted pinky, which is a trademark of the aristocracy in europe.  And be sure to use the non-dominant hand.  Why?  Because you eat and shake hands with the other one, you filthy animal.

The Louisiana Dry Rub- 

Try this one to feel closer to nature, and enjoy a simple physics lesson at the same time!  All that is required is a garden-variety stick or branch that is vigorously rubbed in a perpendicular fashion across the shaft of the penis, causing pain, smoke, and eventually, fire.  Now you can have an alternative excuse to tell the ladies when they see your wounded, blistered, and scabbed todger!

Wikipedia defines April Fool's Day as:

April Fools' Day is celebrated in different countries on April 1 every year. Sometimes referred to as All Fools' Day, April 1 is not a national holiday, but is widely recognized and celebrated as a day when people play practical jokes and hoaxes on each other.  A popular April Fool's prank is called Rickrolling. 

Wikipedia defines Rickrolling as:

Rickrolling is an Internet meme involving the music video for the 1987 Rick Astley song "Never Gonna Give You Up". The meme is a bait and switch; a person provides a hyperlink seemingly relevant to the topic at hand, but actually leads to Astley's video. The link can be masked or obfuscated in some manner so that the user cannot determine the true destination of the link without clicking. Persons led to the music video are said to have been rickrolled. Rickrolling has extended beyond web links to playing the video or song disruptively in other situations, including public places.

In honor of April Fool's Day, we at Popular Irony present a wonderful April Fool's Prank!

Once upon a time, there was a naked chick with really big, watermelon tits.  All the townsfolk would gather for miles just to watch her bounce her luscious tits on her knees.  "Oh, what fun!" exclaimed the townsfolk.  One day a farmer with an enormous codpiece entered the town and challenged Watermelon tits to a duel to the death.

Ooh ooh

We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long

Your heart's been aching but

You're too shy to say it

Inside we both know what's been going on

We know the game and we're gonna play it

And if you ask me how I'm feeling

Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

(Ooh, give you up)

(Ooh, give you up)

(Ooh)

Never gonna give, never gonna give

(Give you up)

(Ooh)

Never gonna give, never gonna give

(Give you up)

We've know each other for so long

Your heart's been aching but

You're too shy to say it

Inside we both know what's been going on

We know the game and we're gonna play it

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

I just Rickrolled the Fuck out of you bitch!  You thought you were going to read a story about a woman with watermelon tits fighting a slutty duel with a man with a donkey dong!  Boy, do you look like an dumb fucking asshole!  Happy April Fool's Day!

I spend a lot of time voyeuristically watching people defecate, and over the years I have noticed some pretty disturbing trends. Most men simply close the stall door and grunt out a hasty dump without giving the experience the attention that it deserves, then carelessly flushing the log as if it bore no significance whatsoever. This is why I decided to write a brief guide to proper pooping from the perspective of a fecal connoisseur with decades of experience. I can turn even the most hasty and care-free shitter into a gentleman of the porcelain throne.

First and foremost, in order to properly shit one must be dressed for the occasion, or rather, undressed. Ideally a gentleman must always defecate nude in order to protect the fine garments he wears, particularly when using public restrooms. A good rule of thumb is that you should never shit wearing anything that can't be washed with a garden hose, or be discarded as soon as they suffer splash damage. One must be aware that even the softest fecal matter can hit the water with the force of a carpenter's hammer causing not only a startling wetness to your nethers, but also droplets of arrant sewage tarnishing whatever you were foolish enough to keep bundled around your ankles. If you are a "never nude" or simply must otherwise remain clothed, I suggest carrying a pocket poncho for the purposes of covering all exposed clothing.

The second issue to address is the dampening of your rusty trumpet as you relieve bowel pressure. A true gentleman sings his way through the act, not only masking any embarrassing noises but also entertaining anyone lucky enough to occupy adjacent stalls, or lets say... watching from above or something. You will also be glad to learn that singing in the bathroom comes with acoustic perks and, much like a slide whistle, one can adjust the pitch of their voice dependent on the length and girth of the log. I myself have achieved a baritone nearly two octaves below my documented singing range during one particularly aggressive crap.

And your gentlemanly duties don't stop once the dookie hits the water. I was pleasantly clued in by a colleague to the wonders of wiping with baby wipes, and thus I always travel with a pack for any unexpected blowouts. And make certain that you have a battery-operated personal fan, because the sensation of the alcohol evaporating from your filth bagel is a magical experience when paired with a gentle breeze. Just be extra careful that you don't get your undercarriage tangled in the fan blades, as that can result in a rather embarrassing ambulance ride. But with the proper care you can be assured that your cornhole with remain always rim-ready and your silk underwear skid-free.

The final step before flushing may be the most important. Being proactive about your own colon health can be the difference between pleasurable shitting and painful hemorrhoids and possible polyp outbreak/cancer. Carry with you a pair of latex disposable gloves that have enough thickness to hold up to the stench, and gently cradle the log paying close attention to temperature and consistency. Break it apart and inhale the aroma (healthy shits should smell like death) and rummage through the contents looking for traces of undigested food, indicating you have to work on your chewing when dining. Warning signs would be a sour, milky odor, the presence of blood or blood clotting, clumps of tangled hair, or parasites. With consistent monitoring you can not only be assured that you have a healthy digestive system, but you can also save thousands of unnecessarily spent healthcare dollars!

So get your civilized shitting routine started today and who knows... maybe I will be seeing you soon!

I just watched the new “The Muppets” movie.  While I greatly enjoyed this nostalgic romp, there were certain ideas produced in the film that I just can’t get out of my head.  Primarily, the idea of “Muppetism” being a genetic disorder.

In the film, Jason Segel plays Gary, a normal human who’s brother, Walter, is a Muppet.  Nowhere in the film is it stated that Walter was adopted and is not the genetic brother of Gary.  This fact alone made my head spin.  Could a Muppet child be born of two normal, human parents?  If that is the case, is Muppetism a genetic disorder along the lines of Down Syndrome or could it be a mutation of some sort?

Gary and Walter, Brothers?

Those born with Muppetism tend to be either stunted or gigantic.  There skin is covered in a fine fur, they have large, wide mouths and they stare from large, protruding, unblinking eyes.  They almost never have teeth and when they eat, food falls out of their mouths.  There are many detriments to being born with Muppetism but there can also be advantages including, immunity to explosions and most forms of physical damage and a natural ability to entertain others.

Muppetism can occur in almost any species.

Muppetism is not just a human disorder.  It seems to be able to alter the physical and mental structure of many different species, from prawns to pigs.  If an animal is born with Muppetism, they are gifted with a form of anthropomorphism.  They take on human characteristics and intelligence.  Most become bipedal and are able to integrate themselves into human society.  If an animal is born with Muppetism and is not eaten by it’s parents, it’s life is actually much more realized and substantial.  Muppetism only seems to be a detriment to humans born with the condition.

In “The Muppets”, Walter’s growth is stunted and his social interactions are difficult and sometimes tedious.  He relies on his “normal” human brother to help him through life.  Only when he is with his own kind, the Muppets, is he able to come out of his shell and start living his life under the tutelage of his fellow mutants.

It appears that along with Autism, Muppetism is on the rise.  Could it be the pharmaceutical infested water we are drinking?  Is it the pollutants in the air?  The cause of Muppetism must be found and stomped out.  I do love the Muppets, but I also dream of a world where a mother has no fear that her child will be born a felt skinned, yarn haired, wide mouthed freak.

Freak Baby!

I assume that there are thousands of Muppetism related abortions every year.  During your next prenatal visit, be sure the doctor tests for Muppetism.

One thing you all might not know about me is that I have a degree in biology and like to take long walks to look at all the diverse wildlife in the natural habitat around my home. I thought I would share some of my vast knowledge with our faithful readers, as well as some of my photographic documentation of these fine specimens.

Here we have a beautiful avian specimen, commonly called the "gargling snatchtop" (Mucosa vulgaris). This bird is well known for it's propensity to target women during the peak of their menstrual cycle with ear-piercing shrieks and fecal dive-bombing. The bird is best identified by it's bright red "shoulderpads" and jet black coloration.

Here we have a rare "lobster-falcon" (Lomus puntaso) so-called due to it's very particular diet that is limited to only crustaceans. Their chosen biome being a landlocked grassland state has led to an incredibly low success rate for successfully hatched eggs. In an effort to boost their numbers the state wildlife commission has undertaken a lobster and crab re-introduction program in the local freshwater streams (albeit unsuccessfully). Interesting fact: The lobster falcon has a greater penis-to-body size ratio than humans, causing erratic flight patterns as they struggle with the improper weight balance.

Wow! What a treat! Here we have a "giant scaly earthworm" (Phallus maximus). This creature mimics the common bull snake in both size and coloration, but is as harmless as it's annelid brethren. These creatures make wonderful pets for very small children and babies due to their habit of "hugging" the little ones and enjoying their warmth. As a toddler I used to go out in the back yard in my diapers and a bucket and spend hours hunting down the delightful creatures, and if you have children it is a great substitute to tv and helps spark interest in the environment!

Stand back! I found a "crusted shit scallop" (Fecosa penetrada)! The red coloration behind it's ear is a warning to the animal kingdom to STAY AWAY due to their status as one of the most venomous animals in the contiguous United States. Once I confirmed their presence along the local river the city quickly barred all fishing and swimming within a 20 mile radius. Although the state has a "shoot on sight" policy that is reinforced by a pelt-for-money exchange program, I refuse to capitulate due to my respect for the animals.

I will continue to document the local wildlife and may return with further photographs to help educate the public at large.

A predator in black

Pajamas, in fact

A gymnast at night on the prowl

In shadows he hides

He wants your insides

His design to reside in your bowel

Too fast to protest

He will quickly molest

In ways that are sure to be foul

Once the dark deed is complete

Without a sound he'll retreat

But like a gentleman he'll leave you a towel

Yesterday I was shocked to see that there were several emails in the popularirony@gmail.com address, mostly since everyone that views this website refuses to stroke our ego by participating. But (not surprisingly) they appear to have been mistakenly sent to us, as they are all letters to god sent by a children's Sunday school class. Now normally I would mark them as spam and delete them, but I decided to send some responses instead. So here are a few of the emails with my reply. Enjoy.

Dear God,

My brother is always very mean to me, and I herd that you said we should do to others like they do to us. Does that mean I get to throw roks at him too?

I love you,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

When I said "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I did not mean that you should hurt someone back if they hurt you, because that would be wrong. I meant that you should always be nice to others because you would want them to be nice to you, too. But don't worry about your brother, he is just acting out because he wants to have sex with you and this is the only way he knows how to tell you. He prays to me all the time about how he hides in your closet and watches you get naked, then touches your body while you sleep. If you don't want him to throw rocks at you then you should eat a lot and get fat, because then he wouldn't think you are pretty anymore.

Love you back!

God

_____________________________________________

Dear God,

My Mommy says that I should read the hole bible from beginning to end, but I dont understand all the words. Can you help me learn the words so I can read it?

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,

I find your lack of fluent literary understanding to be atrocious, and you should undoubtedly be mortified that your intellectual development has been elementary at best. I granted you an abundance of mental capacity that you have apparently rendered superfluous due to grievous disuse and neglect, and I am ashamed that you have not dedicated the same enthusiastic determination with your reading pursuits as you have with your ample toy collection.

PS- Your mommy is going to die soon. Sorry in advance!

Impecuniously yours,

God

_____________________________________________

Dear God,

Billy at school says that you aren't real, and I told him I could prove it becuz you would send me emails like you did before. Please tell billy that you are real.

Your frend,

Sarah

[DO NOT REPLY]

The email address you entered does not exist.

There is no God

Please verify the address and try again.

 _____________________________________________

You may think it is cruel to send these responses, but I wish that someone would have explained that religion is bullshit to me before I figured it out myself. Hopefully these responses will at least start a conversation between these impressionable children and their parents, because the sooner they learn that they live in a horrible, godless world the better they will prepare themselves for the disappointment.

I had plans to make a romantic meal for two today, but upon opening my wallet I discovered that I was dead broke. So instead I decided to make one of my all-time favorites, the leftover shake. This simple recipe never fails to please and can be made out of whatever you have lying around, so no shopping is required! And the application of a blender means that prep time is kept to a minimum, and the truly lazy will appreciate the total lack of chewing to devour it!

Okay, let's see what I have in the fridge. Some leftover pot roast with taters and carrots, the congealed remains of gravy, a week-old calzone, butter and sour cream (cause you gotta have dairy), some sunflower seeds, apple juice, and some sriracha sauce to add some kick.

Start with the solids. Here I added half a potato, a carrot piece, and a hunk of cold beef. God damn, this stinks like a liposuction clinic's dumpster. I thought about burying this mess in the back yard, but then I would be missing out on the rest of the hearty meal!

Holy dogtits that looks good! This calzone is a double mushroom with sausage, and I added a pad of butter to bind the whole fucker up... why the hell haven't I eaten this calzone already? Oh yeah, it made me sick as shit last week. Good thing the blender blades will kill whatever was crawling inside that cheap dough pocket.

And what would a pot roast/calzone meatshake be without a heaping spoonful of congealed gravy? Less delicious, that's what. Slop that shit in there like you mean it!

Now dribble in some sour cream and sriracha sauce to prove you have some class and aren't some kind of degenerate train hobo. The spice from the chili sauce will help kill off that calzone parasite, too.

It's time to top off the blender with some sweet, sweet apple juice. This bit is important to ensure a thorough blend and appetizing consistency. I added a small handful of unshelled sunflower seeds for texture. Not only does the salt season the shake to perfection, but tomorrow you will be taking shits that feel like they are made of crumpled-up sandpaper.

What's next? You guessed it... blend that bitch! Don't be shy, either. The longer the blend the less likely you will have any floating gristle from the pot roast and calzone sausage.

This is the most satisfying part of the preparation, in my humble opinion. The sound of pouring this slop into a glass gives me a boner while waking up my tastebuds at the same time!

And after a quick 30 seconds in the microwave your meal is ready. Here I garnish with an american cheese wedge, and add a straw for the kids. Goddamn delicious. I mean, when was the last time you ate a pot roast or a calzone through a straw? For me it was last Tuesday. And there is not any other way to get this much protein in a standard milkshake, unless you lose a finger in the blender. Mother would be proud that we hit all the food groups.  Just remember to eat it quick before the rich tan color turns to a stale green, which will happen fast, so... bottoms up!

 Subscribe Now

Click for Full Size Fun!