I had plans to make a romantic meal for two today, but upon opening my wallet I discovered that I was dead broke. So instead I decided to make one of my all-time favorites, the leftover shake. This simple recipe never fails to please and can be made out of whatever you have lying around, so no shopping is required! And the application of a blender means that prep time is kept to a minimum, and the truly lazy will appreciate the total lack of chewing to devour it!

Okay, let's see what I have in the fridge. Some leftover pot roast with taters and carrots, the congealed remains of gravy, a week-old calzone, butter and sour cream (cause you gotta have dairy), some sunflower seeds, apple juice, and some sriracha sauce to add some kick.

Start with the solids. Here I added half a potato, a carrot piece, and a hunk of cold beef. God damn, this stinks like a liposuction clinic's dumpster. I thought about burying this mess in the back yard, but then I would be missing out on the rest of the hearty meal!

Holy dogtits that looks good! This calzone is a double mushroom with sausage, and I added a pad of butter to bind the whole fucker up... why the hell haven't I eaten this calzone already? Oh yeah, it made me sick as shit last week. Good thing the blender blades will kill whatever was crawling inside that cheap dough pocket.

And what would a pot roast/calzone meatshake be without a heaping spoonful of congealed gravy? Less delicious, that's what. Slop that shit in there like you mean it!

Now dribble in some sour cream and sriracha sauce to prove you have some class and aren't some kind of degenerate train hobo. The spice from the chili sauce will help kill off that calzone parasite, too.

It's time to top off the blender with some sweet, sweet apple juice. This bit is important to ensure a thorough blend and appetizing consistency. I added a small handful of unshelled sunflower seeds for texture. Not only does the salt season the shake to perfection, but tomorrow you will be taking shits that feel like they are made of crumpled-up sandpaper.

What's next? You guessed it... blend that bitch! Don't be shy, either. The longer the blend the less likely you will have any floating gristle from the pot roast and calzone sausage.

This is the most satisfying part of the preparation, in my humble opinion. The sound of pouring this slop into a glass gives me a boner while waking up my tastebuds at the same time!

And after a quick 30 seconds in the microwave your meal is ready. Here I garnish with an american cheese wedge, and add a straw for the kids. Goddamn delicious. I mean, when was the last time you ate a pot roast or a calzone through a straw? For me it was last Tuesday. And there is not any other way to get this much protein in a standard milkshake, unless you lose a finger in the blender. Mother would be proud that we hit all the food groups.  Just remember to eat it quick before the rich tan color turns to a stale green, which will happen fast, so... bottoms up!

Making delicious and exotic homemade meals is cheap and easy, and presents a great opportunity to express some creativity.  But you have to know the secret to putting a personal spin on your flavor creations.  That secret is condiments.  Always restock your condiment selection and you will never find yourself in need of diverse and exciting food.

Tonight we will be dining on another of my personal creations, Noodles 'N Shump.  You will need to have the following:

• 1 package ramen noodles (any flavor)
• 3 tablespoons ranch dressing
• 3 tablespoons barbecue sauce
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1 tablespoon horseradish (hot)

Start by boiling the ramen as indicated, saving the flavor packet for a later step.  After cooking is complete, drain and let cool (Noodles 'N Shump is served at room temperature).

Using the the cooking pot, add the three tablespoons of ranch dressing.  Take a few moments to enjoy the viscous dripping of this fine, milky gravy.  You earned it.  No need to mix it just yet, we have more pretty colors to add!

Next add an equal amount, three tablespoons, of your favorite barbecue sauce.  Look at the beautiful contrast of the mahogany bbq with the creamy goodness!  If you are a man and are in public right now you may want to cover up.  You probably have an erection.

Ooh baby, look at that thick, sweet honey!  One tablespoon of that delicious insect ooze is going to bring the tangy factor on that barbecue sauce to overload!  Resist the urge to smash your face into the unfinished dish and mouth-fuck it to oblivion.  There is still more tasty on the way!

A big, heaping tablespoon of extra spicy horseradish will really separate the men from the boys.  A single whiff of this stuff would cause a six year old boy's testicles to drop so fast they would splatter like a shotgun blast down his legs.  You'll wish someone would bottle this stench.

Here's the first big payoff, the hand mixing.  Get your mitts wrist-deep in that bitch.  Don't be shy.  Get it all over.  Ten dollars bets you lick your hands clean before you make it to the faucet to wash them off.

Get that pile of mess into a bowl, we are almost done.  Go grab that packet of flavor seasoning that you grabbed out of the ramen package.  Pour it liberally over the top of your pile, seasoning to taste.

Garnish as you wish, be it for a romantic dinner for two, or just a self indulgence for the gourmet in all of us.  Pictured is my favorite garnish, just half an onion with a toothpick.  I ate mine with all the tenacity of a testosterone-injected wood badger.

This particular batch disagreed with me, and alas, I lost the meal.  I am sure this was an isolated incident and should in no way negatively impact your willingness to try the recipe yourself.  (Note the pubic hair lining the toilet bowl.  You're welcome.)