An aging farmer and his wife make their way through a crowd of people to get a fair view of the spectacle that is the livestock auction.  Compelled by the urging of his wife, the farmer seeks a mule to take some of the burden off of his daily life, to carry goods, drive his meager plow, and sow his seeds across his farm which seems ever larger by the passing day. 

At the center of the commotion lay several beasts, all equal in size and apparent health, each driving a massive wooden arm attached to a stone mill.  Dangling before them was a large and juicy carrot, cruelly tied to a string, a promise of the fruit of their labor that is deceptively offered by their master to entice them to his bidding.  Their sameness drew attention to the outsider among them.  One mule drives his mill without the carrot, with equal zeal and effort as those transfixed by the orange lie.  The farmer approached the auctioneer.

“Sir, I have questions for you about these beasts.  I have need of an animal to lift my burdens on my farm not far from here, but I have never purchased a mule before.  Which do you suggest?”

The auctioneer turned to the man, and smelling a sale made more lucrative by the farmer’s professed ignorance, lent him his full attention.  “Why sir, you have come to the right place!  You will find any one of these mules fit for the duties of a farm, as you can see.  They will all slave away tirelessly, and for the simple cost of seven gold pieces and a small supply of carrots, they could be easing your work by the end of the day!”

The deal seemed quite good, and for that price the farmer reckoned that he could make up for the cost in short time by the corresponding increase in productivity.  “But sir,” asked the farmer, “what of the mule at the end?  He drives his mill without a carrot.  How much for that beast?”

The auctioneer let out a loud laugh.  “Well if it’s that mule you have your eye on, I have good news for you!  If you’ll take that nag off my hands I’ll give it to you free of charge!”

The farmer staggered back a step.  “Free?  That mule looks every bit as healthy as the rest, and labors with equal effort.  And any man that had that mule in his barn could get the same work done without the added cost of carrots!  Please explain yourself, as I admit my ignorance might lead me to a foolhardy decision!”

Well,” said the auctioneer, “you said you needed a beast to do your bidding throughout your farm, to be the master of the animal and set him to the tasks that need doing, yes?”

“Yes, sir.”  The farmer replied.

“Well you had best look elsewhere, you foolish old man.  Any mule that hasn’t a taste for carrots can’t be made to do any work at all.  That mule has no master, and never will!”

The farmer betrayed his thoughts with a look of distrust.  “Then how sir, do you explain that the mule drags his mill arm just as do the rest of these animals?”

The auctioneer explained that the only thing that drove the mule to carry the mill arm was it’s own will, and that they had been trying to sell it at auction for the better part of a year now.  Sometimes choosing to allow the handlers to harness it, sometimes stubbornly refusing to comply with even the smallest urgings despite great efforts to entice it.  Convinced that the beast was worthless to man such as him, the farmer bought one of the other mules.  But as he led the newly purchased beast down the beaten road to his home, he couldn’t help but think of the carrot-less mule.  And admire it.

It's all in your head

Let's all take a moment to appreciate how fucking retarded scientology is. It is based on a book written by a person who was a well-known fiction author, throws around terms like "gazillion" when talking about the timeframe of human history, and centers around a cash for righteousness scheme that doesn't even try to pretend to be legitimate. And it pisses me off that they use the word "science" in their name. Cocksuckers.

And we shouldn't neglect the mormons here, as long as we're talking about shameless horseshit religions. With these assholes you get racism ingrained in their ethos (black people weren't humans according to mormons until like the '70s or some shit), posthumous involuntary baptism, and incentives for excessive breeding (your children will serve you in the afterlife on your own personal planet! Provided you are a white male, of course.) But scientology and mormonism both share one characteristic that separates them from most other religions: it is okay to make fun of them.

Think about it. Even the most devout christian has no problem laughing at the absurdity of Tom Cruise, and we now have an entire broadway show that pokes fun at the mormons! Can you imagine if The Book of Mormon was about the Qur'an? Do you think it would finish opening night without a body count? And good luck criticizing anything christian in this country without starting a protest complete with misspelled homemade signs, since nothing screams "persecution" like an 80% majority in population.

But the ridicule of mormons and scientologists is beginning to piss me off. Not because they aren't entirely deserving of the scrutiny and ire, but because the only ones that should be speaking up are those minority of Americans that spread their dismissal of religion evenly. The atheists. Because anyone that believes that every animal on earth fit onto a fucking boat is not equipped to argue about the absurdity of a garden of eden being located in Missouri.

And please don't misunderstand me, I am not trying to push an atheist agenda here. There is no need to, since the accessibility of information should kill off the memory of a creator on it's own in time, provided we don't enter another cultural dark age. Actually I encourage people to wear their faith on their sleeve, since it is a useful cue to some of us to disregard everything they say. It is just frustrating to share space on the religion-bashing bandwagon with people that believe in the talking snake. From outside the dogma bubble it looks so much like a eunuch in the locker room, laughing at how small everybody's penis is.

The economy is rough out there. Businesses are closing their doors at an alarming rate, and only those on the cutting edge of financial theory are finding their piece of the ultimate commodity that we call appreciating solvency. The good news is that the answer has been sitting right under our noses since the dawn of mankind. Faith.

That's right. You probably spent countless hours and untold thousands of dollars analyzing market data, consumer confidence, and financial projections just to find your business unable to gain foothold on the slippery slope of success. And for every breakthrough there seems to be two obstacles, like an immortal serpent sprouting heads from every bleeding wound. But mankind has known these struggles before, and has always bested them with the application of a market principle we have named "ignorant certainty". This cultural tool is what motivated entire continents to wage brutal war for generations fueled by nothing more than an imagined sense of superiority and entitlement. The same tool that drove whole civilizations to doom themselves to famine and suffering in the pursuit of the construction of massive monuments to pay tribute to unseen deities. And now that same power that organized millions to move mountains can be yours with a simple call to Faith Based Business Consulting Inc.

But how do we ensure results without evidence? By liquidizing your entire business analytics model and operational computing practices, that's how. For far too long businesses have bowed down to the almighty spreadsheet, trusting it's unreliable, unpredictable, and unresponsive "figures" to drive their investment decisions, turning their backs on the very principle that separated us from the animals and gave humanity a stranglehold on earth. It's time to stop

spending

money with your brain and start

earning

money with your heart.

With a simple phone call we will send over one of our licensed analysts to visit your operational facilities and perform a series of meditative sessions and animal sacrifices to ensure you have the best possible options to drive your business forward, covering all facets of your business from staffing to advertising. And the best part is that all costs of implementation are absorbed by the vast savings you will experience by eliminating rational procedural expense optimization efforts, and if you market your new policy of ignorance well enough, your business might even qualify for federal tax-exempt status! There is literally

NO

downside!

So call us now and we will put you on the same path of historic success that gave us the Roman empire, the pyramids in Egypt, and every war in recorded history... Faith!

The term "faith-based" implies a disregard for normal consulting practices. Any guarantees of success are offered with an assumption of diligent and honest belief in the soundness of the program, and any failures are assumed to be driven by a lack of proper faith. FBBC Inc. denies any wrongdoing or responsibility in the supposed formation of tertiary cult-like organizations that are actively practicing ritualized torture or ethnic cleansing. Due to the open admission of a complete lack of evidence for successful consulting experience FBBC Inc. enjoys immunity from punitive legal pursuits. Because the market works in mysterious ways, believe at your own risk.

Yesterday I was shocked to see that there were several emails in the popularirony@gmail.com address, mostly since everyone that views this website refuses to stroke our ego by participating. But (not surprisingly) they appear to have been mistakenly sent to us, as they are all letters to god sent by a children's Sunday school class. Now normally I would mark them as spam and delete them, but I decided to send some responses instead. So here are a few of the emails with my reply. Enjoy.

Dear God,

My brother is always very mean to me, and I herd that you said we should do to others like they do to us. Does that mean I get to throw roks at him too?

I love you,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

When I said "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I did not mean that you should hurt someone back if they hurt you, because that would be wrong. I meant that you should always be nice to others because you would want them to be nice to you, too. But don't worry about your brother, he is just acting out because he wants to have sex with you and this is the only way he knows how to tell you. He prays to me all the time about how he hides in your closet and watches you get naked, then touches your body while you sleep. If you don't want him to throw rocks at you then you should eat a lot and get fat, because then he wouldn't think you are pretty anymore.

Love you back!

God

_____________________________________________

Dear God,

My Mommy says that I should read the hole bible from beginning to end, but I dont understand all the words. Can you help me learn the words so I can read it?

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,

I find your lack of fluent literary understanding to be atrocious, and you should undoubtedly be mortified that your intellectual development has been elementary at best. I granted you an abundance of mental capacity that you have apparently rendered superfluous due to grievous disuse and neglect, and I am ashamed that you have not dedicated the same enthusiastic determination with your reading pursuits as you have with your ample toy collection.

PS- Your mommy is going to die soon. Sorry in advance!

Impecuniously yours,

God

_____________________________________________

Dear God,

Billy at school says that you aren't real, and I told him I could prove it becuz you would send me emails like you did before. Please tell billy that you are real.

Your frend,

Sarah

[DO NOT REPLY]

The email address you entered does not exist.

There is no God

Please verify the address and try again.

 _____________________________________________

You may think it is cruel to send these responses, but I wish that someone would have explained that religion is bullshit to me before I figured it out myself. Hopefully these responses will at least start a conversation between these impressionable children and their parents, because the sooner they learn that they live in a horrible, godless world the better they will prepare themselves for the disappointment.