Good evening, dear readers. Another treat for you to enjoy, I have five days of flatulence and shitting all detailed. And it might be worth mentioning that if any one of you are employed as a licensed proctologist I would appreciate a professional review of my leavings. But enough of that nonsense, and on to the pooping!

Friday, March 8

There is something about the end of the week that complicates my bowels. It feels like my colon is tied in knots, and if the dry consistency of my dump is any indication, I must be in the throes of some severe dehydration. For the sake of science I decided to fish out the floating mass and crush it between my fingers, revealing a flaky and course texture that seemed dry enough to serve as fire starting material. After thoroughly washing my hands I decided to drink a few glasses of water. Size was a paltry 2.0, but speed of movement and stench both scored high at 4.5.

Saturday, March 10

To add some more data to my experiment I decided today to eat two full cans of corn, then abstain from corn intake and track how long it takes for the kernels to stop appearing in my poo mass. Eating that much corn in a short timeframe is more difficult than it seems, and upset my guttyworks for the rest of the day. At roughly 3pm I emitted a loose coil with the consistency of soft serve icecream. The poo radiated a noticeable warmth from a few inches away but only registered a 2.5 on the stench scale. Size was hard to judge due to the tendency for it to break apart on contact with the water, but speed of movement and ease of cleanup were both low, around 1.0.

Sunday, March 11

I was startled to find the corn was making its way through my system as early as 9am this morning. Clearly regaining some form from the creamy consistency last night, the poo fell out of me in disjointed lumps, not falling apart, but also not entirely solid. Corn was throughout and if washed could pass as undigested. Ease of movement was 3.0, smell was at about a 2.0, but cleanup proved to be a difficult 4.0 due to some entanglement issues with my ass hair.

Monday, March 12

There was not much colonic activity all day, but shortly after 6pm I forced out a loaf that was almost entirely corn. I wonder if I derived any nutrition at all from those cans a few days ago, as very little appeared to be digested at all. Cleanup was an easy 2.0, but it must be said that when I changed out of my underwear for the end of the night I discovered a few escaped kernels that proved I could have wiped better. Odor and size were irrelevant, as it was all corn.

Tuesday, March 13

At work this morning I tried, seemingly in vain, to work out a movement. Although it was mostly flatulence I am certain there was some substance to it, but since I was using an industrial strength handicapped toilet, the evidence apparently slipped down the pipe to never be seen again. The wiping required some effort and a few handfuls of tp that produced an oily residue, good for a 3.0 on cleanup.

Will the corn ever stop? Will a diet rich in dairy cause a change in consistency next week? Find out next time when I give more detail on my dumpies on dump diary!

A few days ago I started to track and describe my bowel movements. For science. I am tracking consistency, relative size, production effort, smell, and ease of cleanup all on a 1-5 scale. I promise you that my personal defecation records will be the most interesting and enlightening thing you read today.

Monday, March 4

I slept in until around 9:30 am when the pressure awakened me. Approximately eleven inches of light colored feces in an unbroken and moist chain were produced with little effort, scored at a 4 for size and 2 for effort, respectively. Smell was horrendous due to the protruding iceburg-like posture of the coil, 4.5. After several wasted handfuls of tp I resigned to the shower as the most thorough and practical option, also 4.5.

Tuesday, March 5

Had to shit when I awakened, unable to since I had to go to work. After settling in the office I visited the stall to produce a football-shaped oval of lumpy and dense poo, size rating only 2.0, although the wide midsection bottlenecked and caused a roughly seven minute shitting time, with an effort rating of 3.5. Judging by the red streak running longitudinally through the mass I should have taken more time or eaten more fiber yesterday. Smell almost nonexistent and wiping effort minimal, both at 1.0.

Wednesday, March 6

All day long I could sense the warmth of a burgeoning shit inside me. I worked through the afternoon with anticipation of the ripening in my bowels, but was unable to coax the beast out of me despite the performance of poop calisthenics (deep squats, leg lifts, and crunches). No poo to rate, and overall quite concerning.

Thursday, March 7

My concern deepened this morning when I was still unable to relieve the growing colonic pressure. I worked through the day without time or urge to complete the act. Upon returning home from work I was able to spark the breach by the consumption of two microwave burritos. A risky gamble that paid off. Produced two dark links of poo about eight inches long each, quite quickly. Almost startlingly quick, rating 1.0. Diameter was roughly the girth of a baby's arm and quite solid, rated 4.0. Smell and cleanup were both formidable, necessitating the implementation of both dampened tp and some odor coverup by air freshener and closing the bathroom door, which remained closed for the rest of the evening. Easily both could be rated a steady 4.5.

I will continue tracking my movements for your reading pleasure, and may consider experimental shitting such as documenting "tracer foods" that can be visible post-defecation. Until then, happy shitting!

I spend a lot of time voyeuristically watching people defecate, and over the years I have noticed some pretty disturbing trends. Most men simply close the stall door and grunt out a hasty dump without giving the experience the attention that it deserves, then carelessly flushing the log as if it bore no significance whatsoever. This is why I decided to write a brief guide to proper pooping from the perspective of a fecal connoisseur with decades of experience. I can turn even the most hasty and care-free shitter into a gentleman of the porcelain throne.

First and foremost, in order to properly shit one must be dressed for the occasion, or rather, undressed. Ideally a gentleman must always defecate nude in order to protect the fine garments he wears, particularly when using public restrooms. A good rule of thumb is that you should never shit wearing anything that can't be washed with a garden hose, or be discarded as soon as they suffer splash damage. One must be aware that even the softest fecal matter can hit the water with the force of a carpenter's hammer causing not only a startling wetness to your nethers, but also droplets of arrant sewage tarnishing whatever you were foolish enough to keep bundled around your ankles. If you are a "never nude" or simply must otherwise remain clothed, I suggest carrying a pocket poncho for the purposes of covering all exposed clothing.

The second issue to address is the dampening of your rusty trumpet as you relieve bowel pressure. A true gentleman sings his way through the act, not only masking any embarrassing noises but also entertaining anyone lucky enough to occupy adjacent stalls, or lets say... watching from above or something. You will also be glad to learn that singing in the bathroom comes with acoustic perks and, much like a slide whistle, one can adjust the pitch of their voice dependent on the length and girth of the log. I myself have achieved a baritone nearly two octaves below my documented singing range during one particularly aggressive crap.

And your gentlemanly duties don't stop once the dookie hits the water. I was pleasantly clued in by a colleague to the wonders of wiping with baby wipes, and thus I always travel with a pack for any unexpected blowouts. And make certain that you have a battery-operated personal fan, because the sensation of the alcohol evaporating from your filth bagel is a magical experience when paired with a gentle breeze. Just be extra careful that you don't get your undercarriage tangled in the fan blades, as that can result in a rather embarrassing ambulance ride. But with the proper care you can be assured that your cornhole with remain always rim-ready and your silk underwear skid-free.

The final step before flushing may be the most important. Being proactive about your own colon health can be the difference between pleasurable shitting and painful hemorrhoids and possible polyp outbreak/cancer. Carry with you a pair of latex disposable gloves that have enough thickness to hold up to the stench, and gently cradle the log paying close attention to temperature and consistency. Break it apart and inhale the aroma (healthy shits should smell like death) and rummage through the contents looking for traces of undigested food, indicating you have to work on your chewing when dining. Warning signs would be a sour, milky odor, the presence of blood or blood clotting, clumps of tangled hair, or parasites. With consistent monitoring you can not only be assured that you have a healthy digestive system, but you can also save thousands of unnecessarily spent healthcare dollars!

So get your civilized shitting routine started today and who knows... maybe I will be seeing you soon!