It's that time again! Another Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly to give you all the news that's fit to fap to. Today we will learn more about masturbation in mythology, useful applications of masturbation in modern life, and as always we have another installment of "Diff'rent Strokes".

Mythological Masturbators

Some social conservatives may find this hard to believe, but masturbation is not a modern invention that was spawned by the advent of internet pornography, but has been with us since we grew arms long enough to reach our junk. In fact we find bawdy tales of genital-fondling in ancient mythology that proves we have had a fixation on the practice that squirted its way into our cultural identity.

Take the Egyptian god Atum, for instance. Atum was supposedly the first of the ancient gods to be born from the river Nun. His birth was considered to be self-creation, and went even further when he created his first two children, Shu and Tefnut by masturbating them out of his turgid penis. This may seem like an impossible act, but luckily old Atum was known by the Egyptians as "The Great He-She". That's right, Atum was a hermaphrodite and therefore had all the equipment necessary to spawn children. This sounds like the ultimate act of inbreeding to me, and gives credibility to the argument that if you have an outie AND an innie you should wear a condom while pleasuring yourself.

Then there's the famous masturbating Mesopotamian god Enki, who was said to have created the Tigris river when he fondled himself so vigorously that his ejaculate spilled across the land forming the raging stream. Now it is worth saying that this story cannot be attributed directly to Mesopotamian lore, but was recounted in a Sumerian text. For those unfamiliar with the Sumerians, they are famous for bringing us the first western written language, and for creating Gozer the Gozerian and Zuul, who we all can remember nearly destroyed New York city.

But my favorite mythological masturbator is Pan, the half-man-half-goat god of the pastures. He is so horny that he would frequently hide his goatness to seduce women, and was a companion of the nymphs. Pan supposedly was the first entity to discover masturbation, and was so enthralled with the practice that he decided to teach it to the shepherds that he had dominion over. Naturally this helped eliminate the prevalent problems with sheep-fucking and spread across the globe like wildfire. So the next time you badger your badger remember to thank good old Pan!

Masturbatory Multitasking

We all know that the main reason for masturbation is for... well... pleasure. But the act also has many other applications that one can take advantage of, giving us all many more reasons to beat our meat!

For instance, did you know that wanking can be used to treat a whole host of medical issues other than blue balls? It helps to alleviate headaches, distract the mind from pain, balance endorphin levels in the brain, reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men, AND decrease the instances of cervical infections in women. I guess that's where the old folk saying "A healthy man has his cock in his hand" comes from!

Jerkin' the gherkin is also a common way that a person can improve their psychology. Masturbation relieves stress and helps a person distract themselves from the negative thoughts and circumstances that plague them in their personal lives. I can't help but think that Rick Santorum would be a lot less uptight if he gave himself a pounding every now and then. I hear he even got a tattoo of a crucifix on his penis to help him control the urges.

Diff'rent Strokes!

The Aristocrat-

  This method is a throwback from the Victorian era when ladies were fancy and guys were gentlemen.  The most distinguising characteristic of this variant is the uplifted pinky, which is a trademark of the aristocracy in europe.  And be sure to use the non-dominant hand.  Why?  Because you eat and shake hands with the other one, you filthy animal.

The Louisiana Dry Rub- 

Try this one to feel closer to nature, and enjoy a simple physics lesson at the same time!  All that is required is a garden-variety stick or branch that is vigorously rubbed in a perpendicular fashion across the shaft of the penis, causing pain, smoke, and eventually, fire.  Now you can have an alternative excuse to tell the ladies when they see your wounded, blistered, and scabbed todger!

Well it's time again to celebrate auto-erotica with this month's MEM, and we are sure to please with more exclusive content. This month we introduce a self-love relationship counselor segment with Dr. Lance Tenderman, explore the great moments in cinematic masturbation, and as always expand your technique with another installment of Diff'rent Strokes!

Tender Loving with Dr. Lance Tenderman

Greetings masturbation enthusiasts. I have joined ranks with Popular Irony to bring my relationship advice to the most common partnership in human sexuality, the individual masturbator. Allow me to attempt to describe your common masturbatory experience: Either early in the morning, or shortly before you go to bed you find yourself with an unexpected erection. You go into the shower and beat out a passionless utility ejaculation and clean up, slightly shamed at the experience and eager to put it behind you.

If this sounds like you then I can truly help make your sex life a more fulfilling and pleasurable practice. First, although sometimes one must rub out a quick one to get their head straight while on a long flight, or while stuck in gridlock rush-hour traffic, the majority of your jerks should be pre-planned and romantic experiences. The biggest indicator of a passionless relationship is a reluctance to look your partner in the eye.

 My suggestion is to buy a full body-length mirror and position it in front of your recliner or bed, as your personal preference may vary. Give yourself a delicate rubbing, maintaining eye contact and coaxing yourself to near orgasm, only to draw back the friction to prolong the experience. Give it a good hour or so before allowing a gentle romance explosion. You will be glad you did, and I can assure you that your relationship with yourself will be a less shameful and more gratifying undertaking. Remember that if you aren't attractive and loving to yourself, you can't expect anyone else to be.

Cinematic Solo-Sensuality

Although the film industry has artistic license to cover any and all aspects of sexuality, it rarely displays the most common sexual interaction, masturbation. Here are the top 5 cinematic masturbation scenes to date, but be warned, these scenes all take the culturally-irresponsible route of reinforcing personal shame in the masturbator by making them the subject of ridicule and shame by being interrupted or caught "in the act".

Tommy Boy, 1995

- David Spade's character is interrupted while being attentive to his own needs while voyeuristically watching a woman at the pool in a motel. Chris Farley's character sees the woman, and comments "I bet she dates one of the... YANKEES!"  Once again, the masturbator is chastised for a practice that we all share.

American Pie, 1999

- A teenage boy decides to broaden his masturbatory horizons by branching into the seldom-explored world of fucking baked goods. The object of his affection is the title's namesake, a delicious fresh baked pie. His father interrupts the act and has a long discussion with the boy, ultimately covering for him by telling his mother they ate the pie. This is the least offensive film scene to the common masturbator, although it hardly shows the practice in a positive light.

There's Something About Mary, 1998

- In this film the male lead is going on a date with his dream girl, and eager to avoid making foolish mistakes due to his sexual arousal while around her, takes a friend's advice and beat out a mind-clearing nut before the date. But immediately after he discovers that he cannot find the "leavings", which are discovered by his date, who presumes it is hair product and immediately applies the seed. This is a fair, humorous representation of the perils of the hasty-stroke.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High, 1982

- Perhaps the most famous masturbation scene ever filmed, the male lead is overcome with passion after seeing his dream girl in a bikini, he imagines her seducing him and decides to indulge in the bathroom. The object of his affection unexpectedly walks in, and gives an embarrassed look before making her retreat. This is the birth of the stereotypical shame spank scene in modern film. Ironically, this scene has inspired countless cock-beatings among adolescent males.

Black Swan, 2010

- This most-recent entry is also the only female masturbation scene in this list, and demonstrates how far sexual awareness has progressed in the film industry. The female dancer finds herself overcome with desire following a passionate interaction with a fellow dancer, and engages herself in an early-morning pleasure session that is expertly acted by Natalie Portman. In the middle of her act she notices the presence of a feared authority figure in the room, transforming her lust into terror in an instant. This scene is sure to be a long standing classic for future aspiring masturbators.

Diff'rent Strokes!

The Sawbuck

- Pioneered by master magician Harry Houdini and recently discovered in a personal diary that the legend kept, this method is very mysterious, much as it's designer was. The erect shaft is seemingly split in two and separated, giving the masturbator a pleasurable and magical experience. The secret to this method is unknown, and should only be attempted by the most daring among us.

The Jitterbug

- This method utilizes a widely-available technology for personal pleasure purposes. Simply setting one's cell phone to vibrate and strapping it to the underside of the dong, and then calling oneself repeatedly. "Sorry, I am unable to answer the phone at the moment"will become your motto.  Just remember to wrap the phone up in a plastic bag first, since you are not going to be able to to give it a rinse after.

Welcome masturbators, one and all to another installment of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly.  Join us in celebrating our shared pride in our favorite method of stress relief by broadening your masturbatory horizons.  Tonight we discuss the enemies of masturbation, induct a new member into the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and as always introduce two new techniques in this month's Diff'rent Strokes.

Guess which one has soiled hands?

There are those among us that do not share our enthusiasm for solo sexual gratification, and in some cases even fear it.  These are the enemies of masturbation, and they are gathering power.  There has been a movement among the ultra-conservative branches of the Republican party to attack the modern advances in masturbation and take jacking off back to the stone ages.  We at Popular Irony believe that someone should stand up for the frightened majority of us that prefer our jerking to be left to our own discretion.  And now we speak up for this under-reported story.

There is a document known as the "FAMiLY LEADER"pledge that was signed by former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and current candidate Rick Santorum that contains language that amounts to banning all forms of pornography.  You know, because jerking off destroys families.  This makes perfect sense, as both of them look like people who view sex as an unpleasant duty that is required to make babies.  Mott Romney is anti masturbation, in keeping with his mormon faith that in the LDS bible denounces masturbation as "wasting jizz".  Even Newt Gingritch, a confirmed pussy hound, is against porn.  Here are a few quotes from these candidates:

Rick Santorum: “Federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

Mitt Romney: “It is imperative that we cultivate the promotion of fundamental family values. This can be accomplished with increased parental involvement and enhanced supervision of our children. It includes strict enforcement of our nation’s obscenity laws, as well as the promotion of parental software controls that guard our children from Internet pornography.”

Newt Gingrich: When former Speaker Gingrich was asked if he will enforce existing laws that make distribution of hard-core adult pornography illegal, he responded: “Yes, I will appoint an Attorney General who will enforce these laws.”

So please drop by to their official webpages and let them know you are a proud masturbator.  And don't forget to tell them Popular Irony sent you.

http://www.newt.org/contact

http://www.ricksantorum.com/contact

http://mittromney.com/contact-us

http://bachmann.house.gov/Email/

Masturbation Hall of Fame

Now it is time to honor another person who has brought awareness to masturbation by inducting them into the masturbation hall of fame.  We celebrate their courage in the face of public humiliation and thank them for helping show the world that we are all normal people, and we all love to manually stimulate our genitalia.

He came for our sins...

Tonight we recognize a man who has long been overdue for praise from our monthly newsletter.  This man sacrificed his career for the one-handed passtime we all enjoy, and became the butt of countless jokes on the late night circuit.  This man is Paul Reubens, better known as Pee-wee Herman.  In 1991 Reubens was arrested in Florida for public exposure in an adult film theater.  Although certainly not the first guy to jerk it in a porno theater, the sponsors of his children's television show were somewhat concerned about image problems.  He was able to resurface for some film roles over the next decade, but his popularity was badly damaged.  For his significant sacrifice in the name of beating off, we honor Paul Reubens.

And now...  Diff'rent Strokes!!!

The Splint 'N Spank

:  Let's face it-  frequent masturbation can lead to discomfort and may even require significant recovery time, depending of the method and vigor used.  But many of us have masturbatory appetites that do not wait for our beaten, raw flesh to heal.  Use the splint method to give a withered cock the support needed to go for another round.  So get back in the saddle and beat it!

Frisky Fishy

:  The economic masturbator has produced ingenious masturbation techniques over the years, and this newest entry doesn't disappoint.  Simply drape a fish filet (with skin side out) over the shaft, get a grip, and stroke away!  This is an excellent and disposable way to satisfy your urges, and in a pinch can be washed and fried up for dinner!  It will be our little secret... 

Maturbators of the world unite!  Let us shrug off the shame that society tells us we should have and reveal ourselves to our friends, family, and even employers.  Our expressed mission is to normalize the practice of autoeroticism and allow for it's integration into accepted everyday life.  Tonight we examine masturbatory practices in the animal kingdom, induct another member of the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and enjoy another installment of diff'rent strokes!

Animals Need Self-Love Too

Clever Girl...

Everyone knows that monkeys masturbate frantically at every opportunity, but there are a few species that partake in our mutual hobby that may surprise you.  And in the case of non-primates there can be some seriously impressive displays of determination and ingenuity.  

For example, the common goat has been observed taking the penis into it's mouth, and manipulating itself to the point of orgasm.  This self fellatio is the holy grail of masturbation, and something we all aspire to.  This also has contributed to the Christian belief of the cloven-hoofed goat as a vessel of Satan. 

And consider the female wild ferret, an animal that must masturbate to relieve illness in cases of unsuccessful mating seasons.  When in heat, the female ferret can become quite ill if unable to attract a male to complete the procreative process.  She remains isolated in her nest until resigned to the failure of her mating efforts, at which time she may venture a short distance outside to gather a small smooth stone which she will rub against, thus relieving her of her biological need to mate.  Quite ingenious.

But to find a masturbatory equal within the animal kingdom we must look to one of our closest relatives, the orangutan.  This creature has displayed an application of it's tool-making prowess that is very human indeed.  They are able to use pieces of wood and bark to fashion a low tech dildo, and use them with great enthusiasm.  And when one of these devices has it's effectiveness proven by it's creator, it is often lent to other orangutans in the group.  This is likely the birthplace of social cohesion within the primate world, and certainly an expression of true friendship.

Masturbation Hall of Fame Inductee

Jocelyn Elders- Tonight we honor the former US Surgeon General as one of the most influential masturbators in modern memory.  How could we forget this pioneer for social acceptance of masturbation?  She is perhaps best known for her unfortunate firing as Surgeon General by former President Bill Clinton, who terminated her after she advocated the teaching of masturbation to youth as a means to prevent riskier forms of sexual activity and reduce the occurrence of AIDS worldwide.  In hindsight it seems quite hypocritical for one of the most famously oversexed politicians in known history to chastise Dr. Elders, but we can only assume he shuns masturbation and prefers to get his pleasure directly from the horse's mouth (sorry, Monica).  So for her efforts to normalize masturbation, we hereby induct you into the Masturbation Hall of Fame!

Diff'rent Strokes!

The Penile Pincushion

- There are so many penis torture techniques to explore that we have a difficult time getting them all represented in this section, but please keep sending your suggestion email to

popularirony@gmail.com

 .  This method was sent to us by Nathan Portis of Flint, MI.  He writes "I use this technique once each month, and use the time between to heal properly.  Anyone who has ejaculated through an impaled banana would understand the intense sensation that keeps me coming back!  Not for the squeamish, but not nearly as painful as one might think, just remember to sterilize the needles.  Thanks Popular Irony!"

Burning Passion

- This method is a pyromaniac's dream.  Just insert a match into the urethra as demonstrated, light the match, then gently massage the prostate to completion.  The threat of imminent pain heightens the pleasure of the process, and the more adventurous masturbator can push the limits of their tolerance.  Be careful not to burn all the way to the point of insertion, as a burning matchstick might be lost down the trunk leading to a difficult-to-explain visit to the emergency room.