We now sit at the edge of times, on the precipice of the great cosmic undoing which is apparently scheduled for December 21. The news has been a long time coming and was supposedly predicted by the ancient mayan civilization when they decided to discontinue the measurement of time itself on this upcoming date, omitting any reflection of the 13th year of this new millennium from their calendar. Now one must be prepared for this momentous event if one insists on maintaining one's status as esteemed gentleman, and despite any dissent voiced by the scientific community it is important to recognize the demonstrable accuracy of mayan predictions, save the unfortunate oversight regarding a rather unpleasant visit by the spanish. So how must a gentleman approach the impending end of days? Well read on and stash this bit of knowledge under your stovepipe hat.

1.) In order to position one's self best to endure the calamity as the world is torn to pieces, the gentleman must first determine the likely location of the disastrous spark that begins the chaos. Clearly, the logical ground zero is located somewhere in the middle east, where progressive thought is tortured away and historic inspirations were gleefully cast into the sands to likewise erode into dust. Clearly the safest place would be nested within the mountain ranges of the americas, where the fires that burn the seas themselves would be unseen the longest. Make a sanctuary here, with as much brandy and scotch as can be hauled by a team of mules and oxen, save the necessary space for the requisite caviar and expertly aged beef.

2.) A recognition that exposure to the desperate dregs of humanity would be both depressing and unnecessary will serve the gentleman well, and should be considered when formulating plans your alpine estate and defenses. The use of protective canines is the way of men of means, and would leave said men unburdened by the sight and presence of humanity that otherwise provides protection. And considering the limited time one has for preparations, could be implemented with minimal effort or distress.

3.) When the outbreak of violence and insanity begin spreading through the network of peasant society, be prepared to become a likely target for their focus. Luckily the fruits of wealth and education has always served the aristocracy well, and the simple deployment of personal arms paired with the distraction one can gain from the visible abandonment of small sums of currency will suffice for the majority of your escaping needs. Even in the face of such cruel mortality the poor will abandon all thought of retribution against their perceived oppressors in the pursuit of paper that is clearly rendered useless considering the progress of events.

4.) Regarding the entertainment of any man of high birth in such circumstances, little will be required to stimulate the mind and senses. As the waves of death and suffering crash at the gates of your makeshift compound you will be pleasantly lulled to euphoria by the symphony of despair and pain that rain down on your ears from all sides, like a champagne tsunami that brings a most welcome end. And until the chaos comes calling, you have the unique distinction of being in the company of the only true terrestrial equal, your own gentlemanly presence.

Even the most discerning gentleman will find himself confronted with danger, panic, and chaos in his lifetime. How one responds demonstrates the difference between common street trash and people of privilege. Tonight we briefly discuss the proper handling of situations of potentially dire consequence.

1. Remember your elevated station in life when considering chivalry:

You may be tempted to follow the age old adage of "women and children first", but consider the genesis of this famous line. This was mostly used in sinking ship scenarios between the mid 19th to mid 20th century, where all occupants were generally of aristocratic heritage and warranted equivalent treatment in times of peril. These days you are much less likely to find a fellow gentleman or social peer and therefore should not hesitate to flatten any obstructive personage, be they man, woman, or child. To think that you would allow some unwashed urchin to prevent you from sparing your fine garments exposure to elements such as fire or flood waters is simply foolish, and acting with authority will put you in line with like-minded people of wealth and status.

2. Hoarding resources is the way of the aristocracy:

At the first sign of a stressful situation a true gentleman will claim for himself a proportional quantity of valuable resources. If unable to secure the lion's share of food or other resources you face an obligation to demand or seize said valuables from other survivors. Expect resistance, as the rabble tends to place undue value on their own meager existence and will likely demand access to whatever they have acquired for themselves. Do not hesitate to enlist force to secure your rightful claim.

3. Cull the herd to eliminate the weak:

The sooner you can isolate the unfit from your group the better. When faced with a life or death ordeal the last thing you will need is to be saddlebagged with the impoverished or feeble. At the first opportunity you must smother the weak and sacrifice their young, as this is the way of nature. Maintaining a population of lesser individuals may be entertaining but is generally a drain on your resources, and once they have been eradicated the remaining few can benefit from their belongings. Don't let your inner humanity be a detriment to your survival. Many a good man lost their struggle due to their unwillingness to fashion a blanket out of the skin of starving toddlers.

4. Establish your dominance:

There are many benefits to leading a group of survivors, and key among them is being seen as essential to the success of the greater good. Being of respectable blood you already have above-average judgement and intellect, and once others have identified such you will have an easier time convincing them to sacrifice themselves in your stead. After all, while the peasants fight for king and country the king fights for no one but himself. Consider the endgame of a heated match of chess. The pawns are the first to go in the interests of the good of the king.

5. Remember that history is written by the winners:

No matter what manner of cowardice and selfishness is committed in the throes of stress, none of it is of any consequence once the ordeal is over. And as long as you are fit to loudly proclaim your heroic deeds the greater public will be none the wiser. To be sure, other survivors may be keen to proclaim your dishonor once the smoke has cleared, but as long as you have a louder bullhorn their cries will be drowned out. And besides, what right-minded person would believe a louse from lower social station than yourself in such a situation? Indeed, just make sure you are first to secure parlay with the covering media.

When most think of male enhancement they envision overpriced and under-proven pills from infomercials, embarrassing pumps and gadgets, and topical cremes sold in the back of pornographic magazines. But when a true gentleman considers his member he is simply referring to one's nether decorations, just as he wears his monocle and top hat. So tonight we present a brief guide to accessorizing your todger like a respectable man of class.

The simplest option for penile presentation follows the basic tenet of member design, which is "one should treat their penis as one would treat their neck". The obvious choice is between a classy miniature tie with a sophisticated half windsor knot for business occasions, or a neat an level bowtie for social occasions. And before you dismiss the decoration of one's lunch you must consider the following: A true gentleman must always be prepared to present his undercarriage to any unexpected request by a needful lady.

There are some who prefer to add some feminine appeal to their polo mallet, and they may want to try some jewelry. And since the gems will be unseen the majority of the time, try a nice necklace to give her a pleasant surprise. Just remember that although you can do with a small bracelet you don't want to splurge on too much money, as it is in good taste to leave the jewelry in the ward of the lady that has the honor of removing it. Not only will it appeal to her materialistic side, you no doubt will manage future interactions when you return to collect it.

And in the eventuality that you find yourself wooing the fairer sex in a colder clime, one must account for weather if you plan on exposing your little mister to the harsh winds. This is best done by trussing the shaft to keep in the insulating plasma (you should practice it, as a poor trussing is a sign of inexperience), and accent with a miniature stocking cap to ensure proper tip warmth. Any lady would be delighted to find an expertly warmed log for the fire.

But as we all know, some women prefer their men to have an air of danger to them. And they may be left wanting by a gentleman who keeps to the strict code of shaft accessories only, as they are the commonplace decoration she finds after peeling back the cummerbund. Show her that you have a dark side with an edgy alternative piercing. A popular option is to procure a testicular ring, representing not only that you are not fearful of commitment, but you also have a pain threshold befitting a man of the aristocracy. As an added benefit this decoration looks equally at home in a pair of jeans as it does in tuxedo slacks.

So before you attend the next ball or business meeting make sure you are prepared for scrutiny of the highest order. Because if you are anything like me, you want your bottom to be tops!

I spend a lot of time voyeuristically watching people defecate, and over the years I have noticed some pretty disturbing trends. Most men simply close the stall door and grunt out a hasty dump without giving the experience the attention that it deserves, then carelessly flushing the log as if it bore no significance whatsoever. This is why I decided to write a brief guide to proper pooping from the perspective of a fecal connoisseur with decades of experience. I can turn even the most hasty and care-free shitter into a gentleman of the porcelain throne.

First and foremost, in order to properly shit one must be dressed for the occasion, or rather, undressed. Ideally a gentleman must always defecate nude in order to protect the fine garments he wears, particularly when using public restrooms. A good rule of thumb is that you should never shit wearing anything that can't be washed with a garden hose, or be discarded as soon as they suffer splash damage. One must be aware that even the softest fecal matter can hit the water with the force of a carpenter's hammer causing not only a startling wetness to your nethers, but also droplets of arrant sewage tarnishing whatever you were foolish enough to keep bundled around your ankles. If you are a "never nude" or simply must otherwise remain clothed, I suggest carrying a pocket poncho for the purposes of covering all exposed clothing.

The second issue to address is the dampening of your rusty trumpet as you relieve bowel pressure. A true gentleman sings his way through the act, not only masking any embarrassing noises but also entertaining anyone lucky enough to occupy adjacent stalls, or lets say... watching from above or something. You will also be glad to learn that singing in the bathroom comes with acoustic perks and, much like a slide whistle, one can adjust the pitch of their voice dependent on the length and girth of the log. I myself have achieved a baritone nearly two octaves below my documented singing range during one particularly aggressive crap.

And your gentlemanly duties don't stop once the dookie hits the water. I was pleasantly clued in by a colleague to the wonders of wiping with baby wipes, and thus I always travel with a pack for any unexpected blowouts. And make certain that you have a battery-operated personal fan, because the sensation of the alcohol evaporating from your filth bagel is a magical experience when paired with a gentle breeze. Just be extra careful that you don't get your undercarriage tangled in the fan blades, as that can result in a rather embarrassing ambulance ride. But with the proper care you can be assured that your cornhole with remain always rim-ready and your silk underwear skid-free.

The final step before flushing may be the most important. Being proactive about your own colon health can be the difference between pleasurable shitting and painful hemorrhoids and possible polyp outbreak/cancer. Carry with you a pair of latex disposable gloves that have enough thickness to hold up to the stench, and gently cradle the log paying close attention to temperature and consistency. Break it apart and inhale the aroma (healthy shits should smell like death) and rummage through the contents looking for traces of undigested food, indicating you have to work on your chewing when dining. Warning signs would be a sour, milky odor, the presence of blood or blood clotting, clumps of tangled hair, or parasites. With consistent monitoring you can not only be assured that you have a healthy digestive system, but you can also save thousands of unnecessarily spent healthcare dollars!

So get your civilized shitting routine started today and who knows... maybe I will be seeing you soon!