Horus The Original "Son of God"

What the fuck, Jesus!?  Seriously, what the fuck!?  I stop paying attention to current events and this motherfucker starts coppin' my game!  ........What's that?  Where the fuck have I been these last 5000 years?  The sun is still coming up, ain't it?  ......Then shut the fuck up!

I don't know how this guy has been getting away with it for so long.  Haven't you people ever heard of me?  Do you all just listen to him and just accept his bullshit?  Why didn't anyone say "Heeeey, isn't that Horus' fucking life story?"  Motherfucking Theological Plagiarism!

Jesus "Milli Vanilli" Christ, you lying sack of shit.  I really just can't believe it......  What the fuck am I talking about?  Well, listen up fucko!

Let's see, first my birthday is on December 25th. I know, I know, shit-tons of people were born on December 25th.  Well, what about MY motherfucking Virgin birth on December 25th?  That shit sound familiar?  Ah fuck!  Do you know what my virgin mother's name was?  MERI!  Mother Meri!  HA!  What about my step-dad?  I'm glad you asked.  His name was Jo-Seph.  Oh, sure, coincidence...

Not good enough, OK.  Hmmm.  My birth was also announced by angels, witnessed by shepherds and visited by 3 Solar Deities.  Wise men, anyone? After I was born, a king named Herut tried to have my shit murdered.  Doesn't that sound like what Herod supposedly tried to do to Jesus THOUSANDS of years later?  All coincidences you say?  I call bullshit!

There are parts of Jesus' life that are unknown.  They don't know anything about him from between the ages of 12 and 30.  That wouldn't be a big deal if people didn't know that same shit about me!  What the fuck!?  We both got baptised when we were 30.  I was baptized by my homey Anup the Baptizer. Jesus got his shit bapted up by John the Baptist.  Do you know what else is weird?  Anup and John were both beheaded!  Shiiiiiit!

I had 12 disciples, he had 12 disciples.  We both fix blind people, walk on motherfucking water, have healy touchy powers and banish demons and shit.  There is so much other shit, but here is the big one.  We were both crucified next to 2 thieves and both buried in tombs.  Then guess what!  We both came back to life 3 days later our resurrections being announced by women!  I fucking know, right!? 

If somebody ain't plagiarizing my shit, then I don't know what the fuck is going on!  Maybe if people tried thinking for themselves they wouldn't have to rely on stealing someones biography to make themselves feel better about their own bullshit!  Bullshit!!  I guess I'll go back to battling Set and keeping the sun rising.  You are fucking welcome!

Wishing you the merriest of fucking Christmases.

From all of us at Popular Irony.

Now go eat some Ham you fat fuck!

Yesterday I was shocked to see that there were several emails in the popularirony@gmail.com address, mostly since everyone that views this website refuses to stroke our ego by participating. But (not surprisingly) they appear to have been mistakenly sent to us, as they are all letters to god sent by a children's Sunday school class. Now normally I would mark them as spam and delete them, but I decided to send some responses instead. So here are a few of the emails with my reply. Enjoy.

Dear God,

My brother is always very mean to me, and I herd that you said we should do to others like they do to us. Does that mean I get to throw roks at him too?

I love you,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

When I said "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I did not mean that you should hurt someone back if they hurt you, because that would be wrong. I meant that you should always be nice to others because you would want them to be nice to you, too. But don't worry about your brother, he is just acting out because he wants to have sex with you and this is the only way he knows how to tell you. He prays to me all the time about how he hides in your closet and watches you get naked, then touches your body while you sleep. If you don't want him to throw rocks at you then you should eat a lot and get fat, because then he wouldn't think you are pretty anymore.

Love you back!

God

_____________________________________________

Dear God,

My Mommy says that I should read the hole bible from beginning to end, but I dont understand all the words. Can you help me learn the words so I can read it?

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,

I find your lack of fluent literary understanding to be atrocious, and you should undoubtedly be mortified that your intellectual development has been elementary at best. I granted you an abundance of mental capacity that you have apparently rendered superfluous due to grievous disuse and neglect, and I am ashamed that you have not dedicated the same enthusiastic determination with your reading pursuits as you have with your ample toy collection.

PS- Your mommy is going to die soon. Sorry in advance!

Impecuniously yours,

God

_____________________________________________

Dear God,

Billy at school says that you aren't real, and I told him I could prove it becuz you would send me emails like you did before. Please tell billy that you are real.

Your frend,

Sarah

[DO NOT REPLY]

The email address you entered does not exist.

There is no God

Please verify the address and try again.

 _____________________________________________

You may think it is cruel to send these responses, but I wish that someone would have explained that religion is bullshit to me before I figured it out myself. Hopefully these responses will at least start a conversation between these impressionable children and their parents, because the sooner they learn that they live in a horrible, godless world the better they will prepare themselves for the disappointment.

We all saw it tonight.  Jesus Christ turned his back on his most enthusiastic supporter in his time of need and allowed the Denver Broncos to be crushed in embarrassing fashion.  Word from within the religious insider circle indicate that Tebow had the endorsement of the son of God until as recently as last night, but had a "falling out" of sorts that shifted celestial support back to Tom Brady.

There has been rampant speculation about the nature of the disagreement, but general consensus seems to aim toward a failure to maintain a strict regimen of child sacrifices that has extended the Broncos season thus far.  At any rate it was refreshing to see the celebrated quarterback lay the blame for the outcome squarely at the feet of the almighty, ending a long time tradition of hypocrisy by athletes that dictates the Lord is only to be praised for victory, but never held accountable for failure.

The personal relationship between Tim Tebow and God has been built on an unstable foundation, as Tebow reportedly holds feelings of resentment due to his creation as a left handed heathen, and has been forced to appeal to the bloodthirst of Yahweh through the kidnapping and ritual murder of defenseless street urchins.  Back in his college days the display of bible verses during games in his eye black was translating into a Heisman trophy win and a national championship, but in order to get drafted in the NFL it took much more.  Tim Tebow ensured a first round draft pick by participating in a pro-life commercial that aired in the superbowl, and began a campaign to further his fame and fortune.

But the nature of his efforts to please God took a dark turn earlier this season when Tebow reluctantly agreed to sacrifice a lamb to get his chance to start as quarterback for the Denver Broncos.  Each subsequent victory was gained not through the hard effort and team cohesion of the Broncos, but rather by trading the life of one child per week.  This formula worked very well until late 2011, when Tebow took a hiatus from the sacrifice in an attempt to prove he could win by the merit of his skill and athleticism alone, but this resulted in a three game losing streak and a narrow division title victory.  Encouraged by an ovetime victory against the Steelers that featured a crippled Ben Roethlisberger at quarterback, Tebow chanced the playoff game by once again refusing to complete the sacrificial ritual.

While the recent reluctance to perform the slayings has excellent implications on the well-being of homeless children in the greater Denver area, it has not translated into the same level of success they enjoyed a few short weeks ago.  It is still unclear if Tebow plans to resume the dark ritual in the off season, but fans have their hopes up.