Shelly "Sexty" Sanderson

So, lik evreebody I no is lik, totoley ecksited 4 dis, lik moV, D Hunger Games n junk.  All o my frenz lik, totoley red d books.  I jus cud not get tru dem.  Dey spelld wordz all weerd n big.  I ges dat iz how dey r sposed 2 tok n d fyoocher n junk.  Bt wen dey sed dey wer maken a moV 4 D Hunger Games I wuz all lik, "Waaaa?"

I jus don getit.  Y wood aneebodee wanna wach a moV bout hungree peepl?  Beeing hungree iz lik, totoley good  4 u n junk.  I totoley m lik, hungree all d tiem n my body iz lik totoley 2 hot 2 handel!  Dis moV lik, totoley lukz stoopid.

Bt I lik, wend 2 c it aneeway.  Dem peepl n d moV theetr r lik totoley azzhos.  I was like, txtn my bf n all dem peepl in d moV theetr lik totoley gotz mad at me.  Dey wer like, "turn offf yor phne bich!" n I wuz like, "FU! dis iz d usa u notsee!" 

Dey totoley made me ged out o d theetr.  I bet d moV theetr oner iz 100% a notsee.  Bt lik, heer iz my reevu nyway.  Dis like, grl namd Catnip lik iz hungree n lik her sis is like sposd 2 fite peepl 4 fud n junk.  Bt Catnip sayz shee wil fite d fud peepl.  Datz az far az i got.  Den dos notseez came in n wer lik, ruud 2 me.  So dis moV sux big tiem.  D actrs iz lik totoley f@ n dis moV 2.  So nasT.

BARF!  She iz sooo F@!

I wud h8t 2 liv n a fyoocher wer peepl r all f@ w/ fud.  dey wud look soooo nasT.  2 mch food makz u totoley f@ azd n junk.  D fyoocher is totoley gA.  I giv dis moovee a "G" 4 gA, cuz it wuz totoley gA.

Totoley Hot!

Twilit iz totoley a btr moV cuz dat grl nos how 2 not eet.  She iz totoley hot.  U can totoley C her bonz thru her closz.  Dat iz how peepl r sposed to be.  Hot n Sknnee.  N like dat vampr iz totoley skinnee hot 2 cuz drnkn blud iz totoley gud 4 u.  I wan mor Twilit moVees.

Tonight we take a look at a few thought experiments that are designed to help you learn more about yourself in the context of atrocious choices in which there is NO good answer or easy way out. When given a choice between good vs evil, life vs death, or hate vs love, the answer is easy. But we aim to make it just a little more difficult... and uncomfortable.

Thought Experiment #1:

Would you rather have lifelong hiccups, or random uncontrollable diarrhea for a half-hour daily?

The two sides each have their ups and downs. Sure, you could live your life almost exactly the same with hiccups as you do now, but you would be constantly distracted and may even become suicidal due to the annoyance. And while the hiccups would torment you constantly, you would only have to deal with the diarrhea for one half-hour each day, but it is random and unpredictable. Sure, sometimes it would come late at night or before you go to work in the morning, but what if it hits you while in a crowded elevator? Or while in an important business meeting? They each have their pitfalls.

Thought Experiment #2:

If you were guaranteed you would never be exposed publicly, would you rather be an active zoophile, or an inactive pedophile?

If you choose being a zoophile you would be better able to live with yourself (slightly) but think about it... YOU WOULD BE FUCKING ANIMALS! If you choose to be an inactive pedophile then you can rest assured that you were doing nothing illegal, and would be victimizing no child or animal, but think about it... YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK CHILDREN! The thoughts going through your head would be terrible, and you may even collect illegal pornography. Again, not an easy choice.

Thought Experiment #3:

(Disclaimer: This applies only to heterosexual men, and is in no way intended to disparage homosexuals. We at Popular Irony are not homophobes, and would gladly blow each other to prove it.)

Would you rather have sex with one well-hung man 20 times over the course of a month, or have sex with 20 average-sized men all at once?

Now this is MY thought experiment, so I make the rules. When I say "sex" I mean completely safe (no threat of STD) hardcore anal and oral, and to full completion. That's right, no man leaves unsatisfied. If you choose 1 man 20 times you could build a relationship, learn each other's wants and desires, and go at a comfortable pace. But you would have to drag out the unpleasantness for an entire month, and just imagine the horsecock... IMAGINE IT! If you choose to get it over all at once you would wake up tomorrow without having to worry about taking one in the ass, but you would have the horrifying memory and battle scars that come from a TWENTY-ON-ONE GANGBANG!

So there you have it. Three difficult questions that have no clear answer, unless you are very strange indeed. Please feel free to submit you answers and reasoning as a comment below, or submit your own completely inappropriate thought experiments via email at popularirony@gmail.com

Calling all masturbators! Now announcing the new 2012 models of the most popular male sex aid in history, The Phleshlight! Our research and development team have been hard at work since last year to bring you the most "bang" for your buck with our new and innovative series, so take a gander and get your credit card ready, because you are going to need it!

The Inexperienced Girlfriend-

Take yourself back to your first oral encounter... the nervous giggles, gentle touch, and excruciating toothy mess. This model is our first to feature rigid resin-cast teeth for the most genuine experience possible. Antibiotic topical cream not included.

The Phleshlight Mini (Lolita edition)-

Here is your chance to explore your darkest desires in the safest possible way! Roughly half the size of our traditional Phleshlight, this version is a compact and victimless toy that any deviant can appreciate. Be prepared to submit a DNA sample for processing purposes before shipping, and just think... you might get to meet Chris Hansen!

The Shametorum-

For the first time in our company's history we have received a production request from a prominent politician, Rick Santorum, and we just couldn't say no! This model is for the reluctant masturbator in all of us, and features the disapproving visage of Jesus Christ reminding us all to control our sinful urges. Our first Phleshlight without any openings, we are all reminded that the only hole we should be filling is the one in our soul!

Bert came flying past the elevators and turned the corner just in time to see Vic smashing a full bottle of whiskey over the head of a much larger man, dropping him in the process. The lawyer was under a table, cowering in the face of the violent display. The fight wasn't over, but three men laid on the floor now with two others still looking to go home wearing at least some of Vic's blood. Bert darted past the men and grabbed the lawyer by the shirt, dragging him out of danger.

"What the fuck happened?" Bert screamed through the commotion.

"I don't know! Vic ordered a whole bottle and we started matching drinks, then I turned my back for six seconds and some guy started shouting at Vic about his wife. I didn't even have time to get out of the way before the guy threw a bar stool at us. I think I have a goddamn concussion!" The lawyer was nursing a visible bump on the side of his head.

Bert heard enough. He wasn't about to let Vic face another bar fight alone, not after he spent so many years regretting the last one. He charged back around the corner and tackled the first person he saw that wasn't wearing a filthy overcoat, and toppled to the ground with the man underneath him. A heavy boot came swinging past his face into the head of the man he took down and Bert felt him go limp underneath. He looked up to see a grimy hand extended toward him, and as he reached out to it Vic lifted him easily onto his feet.

"I'll be damned. Twenty years can do wonders to a man, eh Bert?" Vic was laughing despite his nose being clearly broken and laying flat against his face. "Where's the lawyer? He should probably settle the bill so we can get the fuck out of here."

"You sonovabitch! You pulled your cock out in front of my wife!" A man on the ground was mumbling through a broken jaw, only one side moving while the other dangled disobediently near his collarbone.

"Hey asshole, she ASKED to see it. Not my fault she was curious to see what a real man looked like. Maybe if you..." Vic's comeback was cut short by the fat, stubby hands of the mexican lawyer, who wasted no time yanking Vic out through the lobby and into the elevator.

"Jesus Christ, Vic. How the hell am I supposed to believe you didn't kill that whore after what I just witnessed?" The lawyer spat at him. Vic opened his mouth to speak, but held back a response as he realized how solid his logic was. "Now we had better talk quick, because that bottle is on my room tab, an it is only a matter of time before the cops come knocking on my door. Now here is what you are going to do, and it's non-negotiable. You will take a flight back to the city tonight and turn yourself into the police..."

"Like fuck I will." Vic interrupted. "What the hell good are you? I could have done that a week ago and saved us both a lot of time."

The elevator doors opened and the lawyer led the two men down the hall. "Shut up, Musket! You won't be in there for even three hours. I have spoken to the DA in your district and he will set your bail at $250k, which will be promptly paid by your good friend Bertram here." Bert swallowed audibly. "No worries. You will get your money back. I just need to buy us some time to mount a defense case. By the looks of it, this shit isn't going to be easy.

The lawyer opened up a door and revealed a beautiful suite, much nicer than the penthouse Vic was renting back in the city. After pulling some papers out of a dresser drawer the lawyer looked back to see Vic opening a fresh bottle of cognac.

"What? My last bottle got broke..." Vic said sheepishly.

"Take these. Two business-class tickets back to the city, leaving in... four hours. I suggest you get the fuck out of here, before you end up costing your friend even more bail money." The lawyer smartly gave the tickets to Bert. "And they won't let you on the plane if you are staggering drunk."

Vic guzzled down several mouthfulls, setting the bottle back on the liquor cabinet. "Fine. Then let's go."

The lawyer picked up the phone. "Take the service elevator. I will send someone up from the front desk, I will just tell them you are a famous client of mine that wants to avoid being recognized. That way you can avoid marching through the crime scene downstairs in the bar."

Vic was impressed. Maybe if he had a guy like this on his side ALL the time he wouldn't get into nearly as much shit as he did. But then again, some of his fondest memories end in blood being spilled...

To be continued...

Every once in a great while there is a man that transcends all others in his chosen field of professional focus. In the world of pranks and practical jokes that person is me, Tag Brewster. I have perpetrated hilarious pranks, one after the other since I was just a little bastard, and Popular Irony has asked me to detail a few for their latest post.

My first recollection of pranking was small time, when my father grounded me for some long forgotten reason when I was six or seven years old. I replaced his tube of Preperation H with IcyHot and couldn't stop laughing when he checked himself into the emergency room. That was when I knew I was destined to be the world's greatest prankster.

One of my most memorable pranks was on my whorish older sister when she was getting ready for college. She had been waiting for weeks to get a response from Columbia University and her heart was set on it. She was an excellent student but space is limited so she was quite nervous about the whole ordeal. I started walking home from lunch every day and checking the mail, until one day it came. I promptly opened the letter and saw that her prayers had been answered, and Columbia University was offering her not only an admission slot but a partial academic scholarship! I took the letter and wrote "Fuck your school. Columbia is for FAGS!!!" on it and sent it back to the admissions office. Several days later she called their offices to see if their letter had been lost in the mail and you should have seen the look on her face when they told her they received an "obscene" declination letter from her! BURNED! Hahaha! That stupid bitch works at a truckstop cafe now and has like three kids or something.

My commitment to the prank is super strong. Like with my roommate Blake, who was an aspiring chef. He used to invite all our friends over for big dinners to show off his cooking skills, so I decided to prank his ass off! I started sneaking rat poison into everyone's food except for his plate and my plate. Then I would act all fucking sick, complaining of stomach pains and shit, and tell him that I had been throwing up. After three dinner parties where EVERYONE but him got sick, we all started accusing him of poisoning us. Then one of the girls that attended went to the hospital and had her stomach pumped, and the cat was out of the bag! They found arsenic in her gut and Blake was arrested. He was exonerated after an investigation turned up no source of the poison (I was REAL careful), but he gave up cooking forever. I hear that he even tried to kill himself, and ended up shooting off half of his face. Now every time he looks in the mirror with his one eye he is reminded that HE GOT PRANKED!

But probably my BEST PRANK EVER was when I totally burned my buddy Jesse! We were best friends since we were little kids, and was a really quiet mormon guy from a poor family. I always had to drive his ass around because he was too poor to get a car, but after like three summers of lawnmowing Jesse saved up enough to buy an old beatup stationwagon. Well I decided to get him back for mooching rides for so long, and BOY did he fall for it! When he was hanging out at my house I snuck around the back to his car and smeared huge gobs of vaseline all over his windshield wipers. I could barely keep a straight face when he left for home, because there was a HUGE storm rolling in. I guess it started raining pretty bad when he turned on the wipers and BLAMMO! He careened over the center line and hit a car HEAD ON! Holy shit did he ever get pranked! His car was scattered all over the highway and he killed a family of four, according to the newspaper. That was six years ago, and if he EVER wakes up from that coma he is going to be SO PISSED when I tell him about it. But he will never be able to get me back because I am the KING OF THE PRANKSTERS!

 WHOO HOO!   It's motherfucking Pi Day!!  The day to celebrate all things Pi...  It's called Pi Day because 3 1 4 are the most significant digits of Pi.  In case you didn't know, Pi is one of the most common constants in all of mathematics. It is the circumference of any circle, divided by its diameter.

Let's all have some Pi(e)!!

The First course is, of course, Pi.

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820.......etc.

Mmmmmmm yummy yum.  Them some tasty digits.

Now it's time for Pie!!

DEEEEEEEEELICIOUS!  I love Pie.  Let's see what other kinds of Pi(e) are out there.

 Some people refer to pizza as pie.  MMM boy!  I sure do love pepperoni.

I could always go for a good Pie Chart.  Just look at those segments representing related proportions!

As we have seen, there are many different types of food pies.  So here is another, the Pot Pie.

You want to eat it so fast but it is fucking boiling in the center!

How about another non food pie.  A big, fresh Cow Pie.  Why not take a bit of a roll-around in that?  You'll be just like a real cowboy!

Oh shit!  How could I forget my favorite kind of pie?  Hair Pie!!

Ahhhhhh............  That takes me back.....

-Happy Pi Day!

Hello again, fellow under-educated misogynists. Willard "Teabag" Chinsley here with another (belated) installment of Bible Belt Babble, bringing you the honest truth you can't get anywhere in the lamestream media. Tonight I will be covering the gas crisis caused by our commander-in-thief, tackle the voter ID issue, and explain why everyone should just leave poor Rush Limbaugh alone. So without further ado, let the indoctrination begin!

Like many of you I am often confused by the math that analysts use to explain how our economy is slowly recovering under "president" Obama's watch, but not every math problem can be solved by using your brain. Can't any of the lefties understand that there is no possible way for our economy to be improving if the price of gas is so high? I filled up the other day and got ten gallons for $42.00. Now I don't have a calculator handy, but that is like ten bucks a gallon! And the last time I checked the price of gas is mandated by the executive branch, so how can Obama not be at fault? I can't wait for president Newt Gingrich to take office so he can make good on his promise to issue an executive order from the podium after swearing in to make gas $2.00 per gallon. That will be the nail in the coffin of this failed administration and final proof that Obama is exploiting America to secretly help his muslim buddies over in Iraqistan.

I have been hearing a lot of gum-flapping by the libertards on tv about how much they hate the new voter ID laws that are popping up all over the country. Now if that wasn't reason enough to support this legislation, I will explain why these laws are necessary. You see, without requiring a person to present ID at the voting booth you will be allowing EVERYONE to vote. This includes women, minorities, snobby college students, and all the other riff-raff. Now if you think that is a good idea then just look at where the last election got us: a black guy. So not only is it a good idea to force everyone to prove their identity, but we should have teabagger representatives at every poll site with the authority to "hold" voter ballots for any voter that appears suspicious/non-white pending further investigation. You can never be too careful when it comes to denying constitutionally protected rights.

Invisible cheeseburger

There has been a witch hunt going on in conservative talk-radio, and Rush Limbaugh is in the eye of the storm. The liberal media has set their sights on him after manufacturing a controversy over some perfectly reasonable comments he made a couple weeks back about some whore that was asking congress to subsidize her whoring. Now Rush has lost over 140 advertisers, and his parent company has suspended all advertising on his program for two weeks. Is this what our country has come to? Am I to believe that a man can't express his general hatred towards women without people being outraged? Not in MY America. So let's all show our support for Rush by greeting and addressing all women we meet with a slap and a request for a sandwich. You will improving your standing as a strong male with your coworkers and family, and you just might save a righteous freedom-fighter in the process.

Well it's time again to celebrate auto-erotica with this month's MEM, and we are sure to please with more exclusive content. This month we introduce a self-love relationship counselor segment with Dr. Lance Tenderman, explore the great moments in cinematic masturbation, and as always expand your technique with another installment of Diff'rent Strokes!

Tender Loving with Dr. Lance Tenderman

Greetings masturbation enthusiasts. I have joined ranks with Popular Irony to bring my relationship advice to the most common partnership in human sexuality, the individual masturbator. Allow me to attempt to describe your common masturbatory experience: Either early in the morning, or shortly before you go to bed you find yourself with an unexpected erection. You go into the shower and beat out a passionless utility ejaculation and clean up, slightly shamed at the experience and eager to put it behind you.

If this sounds like you then I can truly help make your sex life a more fulfilling and pleasurable practice. First, although sometimes one must rub out a quick one to get their head straight while on a long flight, or while stuck in gridlock rush-hour traffic, the majority of your jerks should be pre-planned and romantic experiences. The biggest indicator of a passionless relationship is a reluctance to look your partner in the eye.

 My suggestion is to buy a full body-length mirror and position it in front of your recliner or bed, as your personal preference may vary. Give yourself a delicate rubbing, maintaining eye contact and coaxing yourself to near orgasm, only to draw back the friction to prolong the experience. Give it a good hour or so before allowing a gentle romance explosion. You will be glad you did, and I can assure you that your relationship with yourself will be a less shameful and more gratifying undertaking. Remember that if you aren't attractive and loving to yourself, you can't expect anyone else to be.

Cinematic Solo-Sensuality

Although the film industry has artistic license to cover any and all aspects of sexuality, it rarely displays the most common sexual interaction, masturbation. Here are the top 5 cinematic masturbation scenes to date, but be warned, these scenes all take the culturally-irresponsible route of reinforcing personal shame in the masturbator by making them the subject of ridicule and shame by being interrupted or caught "in the act".

Tommy Boy, 1995

- David Spade's character is interrupted while being attentive to his own needs while voyeuristically watching a woman at the pool in a motel. Chris Farley's character sees the woman, and comments "I bet she dates one of the... YANKEES!"  Once again, the masturbator is chastised for a practice that we all share.

American Pie, 1999

- A teenage boy decides to broaden his masturbatory horizons by branching into the seldom-explored world of fucking baked goods. The object of his affection is the title's namesake, a delicious fresh baked pie. His father interrupts the act and has a long discussion with the boy, ultimately covering for him by telling his mother they ate the pie. This is the least offensive film scene to the common masturbator, although it hardly shows the practice in a positive light.

There's Something About Mary, 1998

- In this film the male lead is going on a date with his dream girl, and eager to avoid making foolish mistakes due to his sexual arousal while around her, takes a friend's advice and beat out a mind-clearing nut before the date. But immediately after he discovers that he cannot find the "leavings", which are discovered by his date, who presumes it is hair product and immediately applies the seed. This is a fair, humorous representation of the perils of the hasty-stroke.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High, 1982

- Perhaps the most famous masturbation scene ever filmed, the male lead is overcome with passion after seeing his dream girl in a bikini, he imagines her seducing him and decides to indulge in the bathroom. The object of his affection unexpectedly walks in, and gives an embarrassed look before making her retreat. This is the birth of the stereotypical shame spank scene in modern film. Ironically, this scene has inspired countless cock-beatings among adolescent males.

Black Swan, 2010

- This most-recent entry is also the only female masturbation scene in this list, and demonstrates how far sexual awareness has progressed in the film industry. The female dancer finds herself overcome with desire following a passionate interaction with a fellow dancer, and engages herself in an early-morning pleasure session that is expertly acted by Natalie Portman. In the middle of her act she notices the presence of a feared authority figure in the room, transforming her lust into terror in an instant. This scene is sure to be a long standing classic for future aspiring masturbators.

Diff'rent Strokes!

The Sawbuck

- Pioneered by master magician Harry Houdini and recently discovered in a personal diary that the legend kept, this method is very mysterious, much as it's designer was. The erect shaft is seemingly split in two and separated, giving the masturbator a pleasurable and magical experience. The secret to this method is unknown, and should only be attempted by the most daring among us.

The Jitterbug

- This method utilizes a widely-available technology for personal pleasure purposes. Simply setting one's cell phone to vibrate and strapping it to the underside of the dong, and then calling oneself repeatedly. "Sorry, I am unable to answer the phone at the moment"will become your motto.  Just remember to wrap the phone up in a plastic bag first, since you are not going to be able to to give it a rinse after.

Awwww shit!  Yo, I just got back from the mafuckin Sylvan Learning Center and look what my Moms bought me.  A big ass stack o Comics and some mafuckin Star Wars Fighter Pods!  Yo, my moms ain't too bad.  I wonda waz in them Fighter Pods packs?

I been lookin for a Bossk Fighter Pod and I can't find shit!  My moms bought me six packs and still no Bossk.  He better be in these packs or Ima slap my moms bitch face!

Alright, here's pack #1.  Two brand new figures for my mafuckin collection.  My moms better be praying to God I don't get no duplicate mafuckin figures.  That shit will not fly.

 What the Fuck!?  Bullshit!  I already owns that mafuckin Storm Trooper on the right!  My moms is such a dumb bitch!  She's fuckin lucky I like Storm Troopers.

I swear to fucking God if Bossk ain't in this pack or there is another figure I already owns, I'ma flip my shit!!

FUCKING MOM!!  I already have a Jango Fett!  AAAAAHH  I FUCKING HATE HER!!  *sniffle sniffle*  

She better buy me new ones on her way home from her night job!  The bitch don't care about me!!  AAAAAAAAHHHH!!

The internet has been all aflutter with discussion about the evils of Joseph Kony of Uganda. But we here at Popular Irony are once again bringing the true story without any of the erroneous filtering that the mainstream media has been spewing. Sure, he may have kidnapped and enslaved between 30,000 and 65,000 children to fight in his personal army, and maybe he is reinterpreting the ten commandments to give him license to create mass destruction, and true, he may have performed ritualized rape and cannibalism, but that isn't the whole story of Kony.

Did you know that Kony is an amateur chef? It is true that he spends much of his free time reproducing dishes he sees on cable cooking shows and lovingly feeding them to his adoring masses of displaced kiddie soldiers. Word on the street is that he makes a macaroni and cheese dish that is absolutely killer!

And long before Joe Kony was a fighter, he was a tender lover. That's right, the reports of brutality surrounding his actions stand in stark contrast to the reports of his various lovers/rape victims. Apparently he is well known for being a very considerate rapist, and always precedes any non-consensual sex with a sincere offering of flowers, just like a true gentleman.

And would you believe that Kony is the life of the party? Well, believe it! He is a much-celebrated dancer that can cut a rug almost as efficiently as he can cut a nine-year-old's throat! Take a look at him dancing! If he wasn't so successful as a war criminal I bet he could make quite an impact on the judges of "Dancing With The Stars". The American viewing audience can't help but love his rags-to-riches story of how he rose to prominence in a politically volatile, struggling African nation.

And long after the day's raping, pillaging, and slaughtering is over, he often serenades his loyal troops with the smooth improvised jazz tunes played personally on his treasured clarinet. He is a self-taught classical and jazz player that would fit in well in any contemporary orchestra, and continues his passionate playing even though he receives no international recognition for his art. Some speculation persists that he may be one of the modern musical greats, but lives in relative obscurity because of political bias against him.

And look here as he cuddles his beloved companion "Adolf", the german shepherd. Could somebody that loves his dog this much be ALL bad? Supposedly his dog goes everywhere with him, dining, jogging, and even bathing together. The number-one indicator of psychotic tendencies is cruelty to animals. Yet here he is as loving as any one of us. Perhaps we are too quick to judge him based on a 30 minute documentary.

So I guess we might have to look at ourselves before we judge him. Besides, even if every charge agains him is true, he still isn't the most horrible African warlord out there. Go ahead and google "General Butt Naked" and you will see the true face of evil. So until we Americans put an end to the horrible spectacle that is "Toddlers And Tiaras", let's try not to get on our high horse when it comes to child abuse.