I decided to take the easy way out on my post for tonight, so I whipped up some shitty presidential photoshop images for you!  I sure do hope you enjoy them, but if not, well fuck you!

Here we have the standard tiny face Obama.  It isn't very offensive, but if you want to get all political I guess you could say he has an inflated head to match the bloated deficit that he is drowning this country in!  Drill baby drill!  Go back to Kenya!  We DID build that! blah blah blah

And here we have the famous old photo of Mitt Romney in France professing his love for... ANAL?  Oh my gosh, what would the almighty Jesus think from atop his throne on the planet Kolob?  Mittens looks awkward just kissing his wife, so I can only imagine the scene of him jamming his pale, turgid member into her pooper!

And here we have the gaffmeister himself, smokin' Joe Biden!  He is well known for doing the most inappropriate things... like EATING BABIES!  Oh, dear lord!  What has Joe done this time?  For god's sake, this will certainly cost him the election!

And finally we have sweet little Paul Ryan.  He is so precious in his little hat, showing off his muscles!  But this one is absolutely ridiculous.  I mean, who would believe that a vice presidential running mate would EVER take these kinds of hilarious glamour shots and allow them to see the light of day!  Come on, no self respecting full grown man would pose for these shitty pictures.  Oh, wait.  I didn't photoshop these...

We can all breathe a sigh of relief now that we know that the potential next first lady, Ann Romney, is safe and sound after her flight had an emergency landing in Denver after some elecronic difficulty. I'm sure we can all agree that situation would shake even the strongest among us, and I wouldn't wish that kind of stress on anyone. But now that the crisis is over we have a new statement from Mitt Romney that raises a very serious question about airline safety that has been somehow overlooked since the advent of commercial air travel. Could it be that our next president may have saved countless lives by raising concern about a glaring oversight in airplane design? Read his remarks below to decide for yourself.

"I appreciate the fact that she is on the ground, safe and sound. And I don’t think she knows just how worried some of us were. When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem." - Willard Mitt Romney

Son of a bitch! He is right! All this time I have been flying in planes and I never once noticed that the windows don't open! I mean, what if we needed more oxygen? Maybe some terrorist releases sarin gas in the bathroom and we need to renew our clean air supply, then what? And what the fuck are those stupid oxygen masks for that the flight attendant goes on about before takeoff? Did they seriously put oxygen masks in the plane and STILL not realize that all our problems could be solved with a simple latch, or maybe even a screen door?

Wait a second... I'm starting to remember something else the flight attendant was talking about... Didn't she mention that the oxygen masks would self deploy in the instance of a dramatic decrease of pressure in the cabin? And come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that the air is kinda thin at the cruising altitude of over 30,000 feet. Hold off on the medal ceremony for single-handedly saving lives by revolutionizing aeronautical design, folks. It appears Mitt Romney hasn't demonstrated his qualifications as an engineer, but may have just pointed out that he is retarded.

How could it be that a harvard-educated, bilingual, wildly successful businessman doesn't know that airplanes must maintain cabin pressure to prevent the loss of oxygen? He attended public high school for years before going to private schools, and is young enough to have been exposed to the concept of commercial flight for his whole life. And any high school student will tell you that opening a window on a moving plane is a fucking horrible idea. But I don't buy that Romney is THIS stupid.

Perhaps he has always lived with incredible wealth, and never was exposed to commercial flight where the attendant clearly explains all about cabin pressure. Think about it... He might only know air travel from the perspective of a private jet owner, where the in-flight staff don't interrupt your caviar brunch with silly safety announcements. Is he that far removed from the average person that he just hasn't shared such a basic experience with the rest of us? I think so. Either that, or he really is a robot with no need for silly human things like air.

Ann was thinking of him. It was the night of the big convention speech and Mitt had just delivered a rousing performance to crowd of cheering sycophants. The thought of his body beneath his ever-present tailored suit was all the sweeter after hearing the ease with which he let the lies roll over his tongue, a tongue she would put to good use later. Mitt was out celebrating with his closest associates and subordinates and he would be home soon, drunk on caviar and too much honey-spiked milk. But tonight was no normal evening that would end in their typical routine of sitting across from each other at the table reading the book of mormon, for tonight Ann was giving a forbidden gift. They would make love in a hotel suite for the first time in their long marriage.

Many thought their union was one of passionless luxury where lovemaking was reserved only for the practice of creating life, but they knew not the depths of their lust. Ann was long past her childbearing years and things had only gotten better... They had embraced as man and woman literally several times in the last few decades. But things had to be perfect to set the mood in this unfamiliar place. Mitt was never able to perform away from the security of one of his 11 mansion bedrooms, and the mere presence of light caused his frail member to retreat back to it's home deep within his graying loins. But Ann was going to combat his sexual shame with her most powerful weapon for the first time in years. She would display her fully nude form to him.

The thought of the coming union had her in stitches as she noticed she was slightly less dry than the hours before, an encouraging sign for things to come. To grab his attention and direct him toward their eventual congress Ann left a trail of crisp 100 dollar bills from the suite foyer, through the den and viewing room, past the double showers and hot tubs, down both hallways, then finally to master bedroom where she stripped to sheer nothingness and laid across the silk sheets in the candlelight. He would be back soon.

The faint sound of the keycard lock beeping betrayed Mitt's presence to her. The soles of his italian leather shoes tapped lightly across the marble tile floors as he navigated his way to his prize, stopping every few moments to stoop down and snatch up the discarded bills. Then the doorknob turned and the hallway light shot through the room.

"Dear, you must be more careful with your pocket change. Do you have any idea how many poor people I had to fire to make that?" Mitt stated absent-mindedly as he obliviously marched past the bed, removing his $3,000 jacket and placing it neatly in the closet with all the others. It was then that he turned and saw her.

"Good gracious, Ann! Have you forgotten yourself? You're laying in our bed... indecent as the day you were born!" He shouted as he averted his eyes, clearly startled and embarrassed.

"Tonight's the night, Willard." She said softly. "Now let's make the maid staff earn their meager wages tomorrow!"

Mitt finally looked up, lust in his eyes. He could hardly believe his luck. Tonight he was introduced to america by dirty harry, and now this? He hastily removed his fine garments, taking careful effort to fold them neatly at the foot of the bed before crawling up to meet her. He took a few minutes of silent time kneeling over her, but not nearly as long as normal. Ann knew better than to look up. She knew he was busy trying to make it work, and her gaze would only make him nervous and frightened. The act would commence in patient time if she waited silently.

The warmth of his pasty flesh was all around her, and the soft, rhythmic grunting noises were her only cue that Mitt was in progress. The sweet smell of honey milk was breathing onto the canvass of the bed, making her yearn to taste it second-hand. He was an animal, unlike the mild-mannered man she married so many years ago. At one point Ann thought he might be trying to pull her hair, but it turned out his had was just awkwardly propped on the softness of the mattress.

Then the sturdy effort ceased as dramatically as it had started. Mitt leaned back and wiped his forehead only to find it yielded no sweat, then whispered his apologies and retreated to the master bath. Ann redressed herself in her jammies and climbed back into bed to the sounds of muffled sobbing through the bathroom door.

It was even better than she could have wished in her wildest dreams.

Barack "POTUS" Obama

Incredible poker face, keeps cool in the most heated battles. Seems to play the game as if he doesn't want to win, or rather, doesn't want anyone to lose. Believes all players should volunteer to pay a higher ante for each game, and if any one player falls behind he should be considered for a communal "buy in" at a higher interest rate, just to keep things fair and interesting. Although he is very personable and pleasant, all other players hate him.

Willard "Mittens" Romney

Is in favor of eliminating the ante, and indeed would rather forego the entire game if all players agree to preemptively pass along their winnings to him, as he believes he will make the wisest choices when spending the money and in the end it will be better for everyone anyway. Promises that if he is allowed to win he will pick up the bill at the end of the night, except for the beer because he didn't have any. He is generally disliked due to his habit of playing cards while wearing a $10,000 suit, and over-using the word "fortuitous".

Sarah "The Anchor" Palin

The most unpredictable player, she has a habit of going "all in" regardless of the hand dealt to her. Talks too loudly and generally annoys all other players, but is tolerated because she frequently loses and a few players think she might show her tits some time. She remains flattered by her given nickname "The Anchor", but doesn't understand it is a reference to her ability to sink a campaign in record time. But she keeps the mood light by spitting in Barack's drink whenever he goes to the bathroom.

Johnny "Two-Tone" Boehner

So named for the irregular color of his skin, Boehner insists on his invitation to poker night every time despite hating the game in general. He initiates discussions on tactics and is always the first to volunteer to deal the cards, but stalls the game and frequently declares that everyone is cheating. It is very difficult to complete a game when he is playing, earning constant claims of "obstructionist gambling" by Barack.

"No-No" Nancy Pelosi

Takes a seat at the table, but never plays. She prefers to watch the game progress from the outside and then criticize the winners. Shamelessly roots for Barack much to his embarrassment, and is always on hand with a handkerchief to blot the tears of Boehner when he breaks down, which happens frequently. She is tolerated because she is a cheap date, drinking only water and eating only bird seed.

"Lonely" Ronny Paul

Not allowed to play, Paul is present at every game venue pounding on the door and shouting. All poker players have a silent agreement that he is dangerous to the game, and fear that it would quickly degenerate into a fistfight if he was allowed in. "Mittens" Romney always calls the local nursing home to have him picked up outside, a joke that got a laugh one time so he repeats it ad nauseum.

Mitt let the heavy oak door close behind him, exhausted after a long day of private jets, rehearsed speech, and routine dishonesty. He had been building a public persona for years now and was just a few short months from reaping the rewards of his effort, but found that he had increasing appreciation for the few days every month that he was able to get back home to one of his beloved estates. The house smelled of pristine pinewood and sterile leather, clear hallmarks of Consuela's labor. Mitt smiled naturally for the first time in months at the thought of his mexican housekeeper working frantically in anticipation of his judging inspection of the property.

 As he poured himself a stiff glass of milk to wind down after the long campaign trail week a buzzing alerted him to a notice on his blackberry. Drinking deeply as he read the calendar event his smile stretched across his face once again as he realized that tonight was the first of a pre-arranged six agreed upon romantic encounters with Ann that they mutually scheduled during a husband/wife mediation session just two months ago. It excited him to know that somewhere in the house Ann laid in wait, fully clothed and eager to put her womanly commitment behind her.

 Mitt took off two of his jackets and cast them to the floor, knowing full well that Consuela would have them cleaned and pressed within the hour, and draped his final jacket over his forearm as he marched down several hallways to the heart of the compound. As he opened the large double doors to the master suite he was greeted by the image of his post-menopausal conquest, sitting at the opposite edge of a double-king sized bed, staring longingly out a locked reinforced glass window. She looked like an angel clad only in her delicate full-body holy undergarments.

 "Let's get this over with" She said without turning to meet his gaze "we have a lot of praying to do after, and I'm exhausted." She always knew what to say to get him nearly erect.

 He made a show of disrobing for her, and knew she appreciated the effort despite her refusal to look at him. The ritual was a formality now that she was unable to bear children, and her unwillingness to give herself over for unproductive pleasure only made the act more hot for Mitt. Getting what he wanted from a reluctant party was how he made his living, and now it was how he made his loving, too. Now down to nothing but his cotton vestments and socks, he crawled over the vast real estate of the bed as Ann rolled onto her back with legs spread wide, pulling apart the flap of cotton at her groin and exposing the pale dryness beneath. Mitt took a moment to gaze at the rare glimpse of unshaven hair that formed a halo around his target like the medieval-era haircut of a friar, and met her eyes as he pulled a partially turgid member from inside his magical underpants.

 He took his place at her ankles, kneeling with four inches of hot flesh in his hands, and used his index finger as a splint to wedge his penis in her warmth. Her disinterested grunt rang notice of his success as he fell upon her, thrusting an arrhythmic dance atop her motionless body.

 He went on for literally minutes, unsuccessfully convincing her to shift her backside to the left until a bead of sweat formed at his brow. In a moment of sheer panic at the thought of ruining his finely-sculpted hair he uttered a few passionate but quiet howls, determined to convince her that he managed to copulate with her to fruitful conclusion for the first time in many years before slumping over her and kissing at her neck until she pulled back in disgust. His now limp penis has pressed against the cotton-covered surface of her thigh, having been unknowingly dislodged at some point during the act. Mitt silently folded it back into his underwear and proceeded to the vast marble sanctuary of the restroom to wash the shame from his loins, leaving Ann to commence her repentant prayer alone.

When he returned he nodded his approval at her cooperation in the act, then retired to his own room triumphantly, encouraged by the thought of his next opportunity to attempt the act next month. One day, when he was president, she would relent and allow him to try it the

forbidden

way. Indeed, the first night they shared a bed in the White House he would get what he always wanted. Ann would be on top.

The End.

Greetings, fellow teabaggers. Willard "Teabag" Chinsley here with another dispatch from the sane side of political discourse. So much has happened since the last issue, and I have but a few paragraphs to explain it all. Well we start by saying goodbye to Rick Santorum and reluctantly throw our support behind *ahem*... Mitt Romney, take a look at the so called "war on women", and defend a friend of the teabaggers, Ted Nugent.

It was a disappointing day this past April 10th as we all had to say our sad goodbyes to teabagger favorite Rick Santorum. It seems Rick decided to dig that rusty hanger deep into the fertile womb of his candidacy and serve up a bloody abortion, much to the dismay of the REAL white, racist, homophobic, conservative, christian electorate. And while we are all upset that Rick didn't make the best of a bad situation and carry this campaign to term, we all understand that he needed to look out for the interests of his awkwardly large family. And with the most interesting thing to come out of the Gingrich campaign in the last couple of months being his announcement that he was recently bitten by a penguin, Bible Belt Babble is prepared to finally announce our support for Mitt Rom-not-one-of-us... Mitt Rom-mormon... let's try again... Mitt Romney (that hurts a little). So when you head off to the ballot box this November remember: he may have no personality, his political position may change depending which room he is in at the time, he may wear magic underwear, but at least he's not black. VOTE ROMNEY IN 2012!!!

The GOP has been getting a lot of grief over this "war on women" that is being manufactured by the liberal media in this country. But let's set the record straight on this one. The media claims this war is represented by purposed legislation in republican states to mandate invasive penetration ultrasounds before allowing babies to be slaughtered, calling prostitutes whores for using birth control, and destroying laws that demand women receive equal pay for unequal work. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Conservatives are not waging war on women. We are waging war on DISOBEDIENT women. God says that women are playthings for men, and their only other purpose is to birth a future generation of genetically superior of penis-bearing world leaders. And I think we can all agree that if the liberals disagree with God, then they don't even deserve to live in this country.

True to fashion, the anti-american democrats have taken aim at another true patriot, Ted "the motor city madman" Nugent. And what is the source of their misguided rage? A totally harmless comment about possibly making an attempt at assassinating Obama should he be re-elected to a second term of office. What's next? Are they going to attack him for becoming the legal guardian of a 17 year old girl for the purposes of making her his sex slave back in 1978? Or for shitting himself for thirty days straight and reporting to his draft review without bathing or chiseling the shit off his ass to appear insane so he didn't have to serve?  Come on America, if this country is a land where a borderline pedophile, gun-toting, musically-irrelevant, draft-dodging, deadbeat father of 8 can't threaten the life of our president, then I don't want to live here anymore.

Greetings, my fellow Americans. It has been a long couple of months in the independent campaign of Hamtackle 2012, as I have been unable to secure adequate funding to get on the ballot in any of the Super Tuesday state primary elections. We are still working towards a strong showing in the general election as a write-in candidate, so I wanted to make sure the expansive Popular Irony viewing electorate were properly introduced to the current set of options for the presidential election this year. So please take a moment to read over this brief profile of each of my competitors, and remember to keep your hopes high for Hamtackle in 2012!

The republican primary season is reaching a crossroads today as voters line up and bend over for their rapist of choice. Expected to penetrate deepest and with most frequency is Mitt Romney, who is best described as an extra-terrestrial's best approximation of an American presidential candidate. I would welcome the opportunity shake hands with Mitt, not for some kind of gesture of political support but rather to quell my sneaking suspicion that his flesh is a cold silicone shell protecting his vital circuitry components. As a man that makes over $50,000 every day, he makes no effort at all to hide his unfamiliarity with the rest of the country. In perhaps his biggest political gaff yet, Mitt Romney admitted to profiting handsomely from an illegal ring of gladiator-style orphan fighting that was funded by the online sale of the tears of crying rape victims.

But he is not alone, as Romney's vie for the batshit vote is being challenged rather successfully by Rick Santorum. Santorum is a man with radical views about the direction of America's future, and believes rather strongly that the government must establish a new investigative branch that specializes in the sexual habits of private citizens in order to prevent what he would categorize as "moral decay". His belief in small government is so strong that his presidency would create an administration small enough to fit into your bedroom to protect you from you own free will. In Rick Santorum's perfect world every sexual act would result in pregnancy, and each reluctant parent should be solely responsible for their unwanted spawn's education and health care. That's right, no more contraception and no more public school system.

Perhaps the only thing preventing the successful defeat of Mitt Romney by Rick Santorum is the fact that many of the sheep-like religious conservative voters that will NEVER vote for a mormon are tied up in support for Newt Gingritch, who is currently beating out a competitive field for the support of the "bigot" demographic. He has been able to stay in the race despite being personally disliked by the countless Americans that have never met him, and even more so by the unfortunate few that have. He is a prominent adulterer and hypocrite of note, being on the receiving end of several well-documented extra-marital blowjobs from now-wife Calista on congressional property while simultaneously orchestrating a political witch hunt agains then-president Bill Clinton for doing the same. His talent is being snide, pompous and hateful, all of which are core virtues of the GOP elite. His polling numbers have dropped like a stone since late last year, leaving him in a virtual tie for last place and a nearly 30 point polling fall.

And any discussion of unelectable last place republican presidential candidates is never complete without mentioning Ron Paul. This man has all the charm of the quintessential small-town grandfather, with all of the outdated ideals one would expect. He has the fervent support of the youth demographic, which predictably translates into limited voter output. The greatest draw to this candidate (besides his assertion that all drugs should be legalized, which accounts for roughly 80% of his popularity) is his consistency on every subject without fail and his willingness to stand by an unpopular opinion with unwavering stubbornness, much as one would not be surprised that their elderly grandfather shit himself and stewed in it until his family discovered it from smell alone. His ultimate goal is to pass along all federal responsibilities to the state government, pretty much absolving his administration from any responsibility whatsoever.  So voting for him is kind of like making your place kicker team captain. He also holds the distinction of being the only candidate still in the race to have failed to win a single state so far, earning him the leftover pity votes that are cast in objection to the quality of the remaining field this election season.

These men stand united agains what they term to be the greatest threat to America, namely sitting president Barack Obama. Obama seeks re-election in the face of one of the most challenging presidential terms in memory, inheriting two active wars and an economy in freefall. He is criticized by the left for renewing the Patriot Act, failing to deliver a single-payer system to control health insurance rates that could fluctuate wildly with a personal mandate, being slow to respond to humanitarian crises in Syria and Libya, and for failing to live up to the message of "hope" and "change" that became his motto in the last presidential cycle. He is criticized by the right for baseless claims that he is a secretly foreign-born muslim extremist that is just waiting for the right moment to enact sharia law and reign as the second-coming of Joseph Stalin in a new American socialist state. To be fair, under his presidency there has been a reversal of downward economic trends, Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi are dead, a universal heathcare plan complete will patient's bill of rights has been passed, and just recently both Iran and North Korea appear willing to work with the international community toward monitoring their nuclear programs.

So there you have it, America. All losers down to the last candidate. Expect to see a revised and reanimated candidacy for president from yours truly, Hamtackle. I hope to see a dropout or two after tonight's results are final and will address you, the people with my short list of choices for my vice-presidential runningmate. Until then, just thank your lucky stars that Hamtackle is waiting to represent the REAL America.

Welcome masturbators, one and all to another installment of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly.  Join us in celebrating our shared pride in our favorite method of stress relief by broadening your masturbatory horizons.  Tonight we discuss the enemies of masturbation, induct a new member into the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and as always introduce two new techniques in this month's Diff'rent Strokes.

Guess which one has soiled hands?

There are those among us that do not share our enthusiasm for solo sexual gratification, and in some cases even fear it.  These are the enemies of masturbation, and they are gathering power.  There has been a movement among the ultra-conservative branches of the Republican party to attack the modern advances in masturbation and take jacking off back to the stone ages.  We at Popular Irony believe that someone should stand up for the frightened majority of us that prefer our jerking to be left to our own discretion.  And now we speak up for this under-reported story.

There is a document known as the "FAMiLY LEADER"pledge that was signed by former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and current candidate Rick Santorum that contains language that amounts to banning all forms of pornography.  You know, because jerking off destroys families.  This makes perfect sense, as both of them look like people who view sex as an unpleasant duty that is required to make babies.  Mott Romney is anti masturbation, in keeping with his mormon faith that in the LDS bible denounces masturbation as "wasting jizz".  Even Newt Gingritch, a confirmed pussy hound, is against porn.  Here are a few quotes from these candidates:

Rick Santorum: “Federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

Mitt Romney: “It is imperative that we cultivate the promotion of fundamental family values. This can be accomplished with increased parental involvement and enhanced supervision of our children. It includes strict enforcement of our nation’s obscenity laws, as well as the promotion of parental software controls that guard our children from Internet pornography.”

Newt Gingrich: When former Speaker Gingrich was asked if he will enforce existing laws that make distribution of hard-core adult pornography illegal, he responded: “Yes, I will appoint an Attorney General who will enforce these laws.”

So please drop by to their official webpages and let them know you are a proud masturbator.  And don't forget to tell them Popular Irony sent you.

http://www.newt.org/contact

http://www.ricksantorum.com/contact

http://mittromney.com/contact-us

http://bachmann.house.gov/Email/

Masturbation Hall of Fame

Now it is time to honor another person who has brought awareness to masturbation by inducting them into the masturbation hall of fame.  We celebrate their courage in the face of public humiliation and thank them for helping show the world that we are all normal people, and we all love to manually stimulate our genitalia.

He came for our sins...

Tonight we recognize a man who has long been overdue for praise from our monthly newsletter.  This man sacrificed his career for the one-handed passtime we all enjoy, and became the butt of countless jokes on the late night circuit.  This man is Paul Reubens, better known as Pee-wee Herman.  In 1991 Reubens was arrested in Florida for public exposure in an adult film theater.  Although certainly not the first guy to jerk it in a porno theater, the sponsors of his children's television show were somewhat concerned about image problems.  He was able to resurface for some film roles over the next decade, but his popularity was badly damaged.  For his significant sacrifice in the name of beating off, we honor Paul Reubens.

And now...  Diff'rent Strokes!!!

The Splint 'N Spank

:  Let's face it-  frequent masturbation can lead to discomfort and may even require significant recovery time, depending of the method and vigor used.  But many of us have masturbatory appetites that do not wait for our beaten, raw flesh to heal.  Use the splint method to give a withered cock the support needed to go for another round.  So get back in the saddle and beat it!

Frisky Fishy

:  The economic masturbator has produced ingenious masturbation techniques over the years, and this newest entry doesn't disappoint.  Simply drape a fish filet (with skin side out) over the shaft, get a grip, and stroke away!  This is an excellent and disposable way to satisfy your urges, and in a pinch can be washed and fried up for dinner!  It will be our little secret... 

Just Teabaggin'!

Welcome to a new experimental format for Bible Belt Babble.  It is I, "Teabag" himself, here to inform the faithful viewership in order to select the candidate that best represents the ideals of the average American Teabagger.  We are not talking about polite, reasonable, general election-type material, but good old-fashioned GOP primary racist values.  These days the Presidential hopefulls are not able to fully voice their bigotry for fear of damnation by the liberal media, but if you listen with the right kind of ears their beliefs make it out once in a while.  Let's run down the list of the top racist choices for President!

Rick Perry

 Earlier this campaign season we were all told to gasp in horror at the revelation that the Perry family hunting retreat in Texas was marked by a monument near the entrance known as "Niggerhead Rock".  While this may incite the rage of the PC police, it seems positively harmless to anyone that has spent time in the Lone Star State.  In fact, that kind of ambient racism is what earned Rick Perry the Governorship of Texas, and images of the rock were used in local campaign commercials.  And considering the regularity of his public speaking missteps we would have heard a Mel Gibson-like tirade that one time Perry gave a speech while on animal tranquilizers a couple months ago if he had a serious racist agenda.

Ron Paul

 Dr. Paul has a vision of American freedom through international isolationism, shift of governmental power back to the State level, and the abolishment of the Federal Reserve.  This freedom extends to the rights of the individual to infringe on the rights of other individuals, just like the founding fathers intended!  The evidence?  He is in favor of abolishing the Civil Rights Act, has the political support of white supremacy groups (like Stormfront, American Resistance, and the Institute of Historic Review) without disavowing them, and had many comments (insinuating that the distribution of welfare checks ended the LA riots, calling Martin Luther King day "hate whitey day", etc.) printed in his official newsletter.  They say Ron Paul wears his beliefs on his sleeve, and under that sleeve I see a sheet!

Newt Gingritch

 This floundering candidate made a big play for the racist vote this week by requesting an audience with the NAACP so he can deliver his message to black America.  That message?  "the African American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps."  He also referred to Barack Obama as "The best food stamp President in American history!"  While we at the Teabagger Party whole-heartedly agree with these comments, we feel the may be a little forced considering his recent drop in the polls, but we also must admit that it is easy to imagine Newt drunkenly ranting like Michael Richards with tourette's. 

Rick Santorum

 Very little is known about this candidate, mostly because no one has bothered to ask him about anything until recently.  But the one thing we all know about him is that he is deeply religious, and that makes for fertile ground when planting the seeds of racism.  The only time he has stolen the spotlight in the race so far he made a major slip of the tongue when he stated that we should not take money from rich people and give it to black people.   Now most analysts have determined that he meant to say "poor" instead of "black", and the Santorum campaign has flatly denied it even happened (despite ample video coverage).  But this freudian slip reveals much about how the mind values the black contribution to America.

Mitt Romney and John Huntsman

 These guys appear to be pretty clean, but are both mormon, which has a rich history of hating black people.  Read this quote from Brigham Young!

"You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind.

The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of any one of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings.

This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race--that they should be the "servant of servants;" and they will be, until that curse is removed."- Brigham Young-President and second 'Prophet' of the Mormon Church, 1844-1877- Extract from Journal of Discourses.

So while these candidates both have their mormon faith going for them, they both also have the same Achilles' heel:  their mormon faith.  But you weren't going to vote for either of them, were you?

So there you have it, fellow Teabaggers.  You now have a comprehensive diagnosis of the racist ideals of each of the active candidates.  We will leave the decision to you! 

In the short history of Popular Irony we have had, ironically, very little popularity in our viewership.  We have noted, however, that there are some key terms that tend to generate more traffic in google searches than others.  This post is intended to exploit what little we know about manipulating search terms to increase organic traffic to our website.  I guess you could say that we are selling out, or whoring ourselves for pageviews, which have absolutely no value to us other than simple ego appeasement.  So here it goes, some pictures and text that are designed to appeal to the anonymous internet viewer.

Ron Paul

is a politician that is popular among under-informed young voters because he believes we should legalize marijuana.  He is currently polling well in Iowa, which is having it's caucus tomorrow to endorse a Republican candidate for President of the United States.  Aside from advocating drug use and having total contempt for the office he is currently seeking, Doctor Paul is also an isolationist with his foreign diplomacy policy and wants to repeal the civil rights act... You know, because it isn't fair.

Kim Kardashian

is a whore who is rich by birth and has never done any work on her hands and knees that wasn't filmed for profit.  She is most recently famous for marrying NBA player

Kris Humphries

and divorcing him after only 72 days.  She made several million dollars in reality shows and endorsements surrounding her engagement and wedding, and sold all her wedding gifts to buy her family Rolex watches.  She is also famous for having a deliciously large ass.

Katy Perry

is a pop singer who is in the news for separating from her husband

Russell Brand

.  She is famous for singing and having tits that are too provocative for Sesame Street, and her husband is famous for being a former trick-turning, heroin addicted, sex obsessed comedian from the UK. 

Mitt Romney

is running for the Republican nomination for President of the United States.  He is famous for saying anything to gain popularity with whichever crowd is in front of him at the moment, and for being a mormon moderate who is despised by his own party.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn part 1

is a recently released film adaptation of a book written by Stephenie Meyer.  It is about a woman named Bella Swan that is struggling with her two fetishes, necrophilia and bestiality.  She is in love with an undead vampire named Edward and a werewolf named Jacob.  It is famous for having a devoted following of teenagers and adults with social anxiety disorder, and for having an incredibly shitty love story.

Amy Winehouse

is a dead singer/songwriter that is famous for being a total trainwreck alcoholic and drug addict.  She passed away in late July of 2011 from alcohol poisoning,  officially labeled as "death by misadventure".  

Tim Tebow

is the quarterback for the Denver Broncos.  He is famous for loving Jesus WAY too much, writing bible verses in his eye black, miraculously winning close football games late in the fourth quarter (until recently, that is), and for throwing the ball like an asthmatic twelve year old girl despite having the arms of a power lifter.

Lady Gaga

is a pop singer who is famous for trying desperately to become Madonna circa 1987.  She is also famous for wearing dresses made of meat and dressing very strangely.

There you have it, people.  I will periodically update this post with a comment that will give the pageview count for this post.  If you want to encourage this type of shameless pandering just go to the homepage, click on the post link, then repeat!