Greetings, fellow teabaggers. Willard "Teabag" Chinsley here with another dispatch from the sane side of political discourse. So much has happened since the last issue, and I have but a few paragraphs to explain it all. Well we start by saying goodbye to Rick Santorum and reluctantly throw our support behind *ahem*... Mitt Romney, take a look at the so called "war on women", and defend a friend of the teabaggers, Ted Nugent.

It was a disappointing day this past April 10th as we all had to say our sad goodbyes to teabagger favorite Rick Santorum. It seems Rick decided to dig that rusty hanger deep into the fertile womb of his candidacy and serve up a bloody abortion, much to the dismay of the REAL white, racist, homophobic, conservative, christian electorate. And while we are all upset that Rick didn't make the best of a bad situation and carry this campaign to term, we all understand that he needed to look out for the interests of his awkwardly large family. And with the most interesting thing to come out of the Gingrich campaign in the last couple of months being his announcement that he was recently bitten by a penguin, Bible Belt Babble is prepared to finally announce our support for Mitt Rom-not-one-of-us... Mitt Rom-mormon... let's try again... Mitt Romney (that hurts a little). So when you head off to the ballot box this November remember: he may have no personality, his political position may change depending which room he is in at the time, he may wear magic underwear, but at least he's not black. VOTE ROMNEY IN 2012!!!

The GOP has been getting a lot of grief over this "war on women" that is being manufactured by the liberal media in this country. But let's set the record straight on this one. The media claims this war is represented by purposed legislation in republican states to mandate invasive penetration ultrasounds before allowing babies to be slaughtered, calling prostitutes whores for using birth control, and destroying laws that demand women receive equal pay for unequal work. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Conservatives are not waging war on women. We are waging war on DISOBEDIENT women. God says that women are playthings for men, and their only other purpose is to birth a future generation of genetically superior of penis-bearing world leaders. And I think we can all agree that if the liberals disagree with God, then they don't even deserve to live in this country.

True to fashion, the anti-american democrats have taken aim at another true patriot, Ted "the motor city madman" Nugent. And what is the source of their misguided rage? A totally harmless comment about possibly making an attempt at assassinating Obama should he be re-elected to a second term of office. What's next? Are they going to attack him for becoming the legal guardian of a 17 year old girl for the purposes of making her his sex slave back in 1978? Or for shitting himself for thirty days straight and reporting to his draft review without bathing or chiseling the shit off his ass to appear insane so he didn't have to serve?  Come on America, if this country is a land where a borderline pedophile, gun-toting, musically-irrelevant, draft-dodging, deadbeat father of 8 can't threaten the life of our president, then I don't want to live here anymore.

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Greetings, my fellow Americans. It has been a long couple of months in the independent campaign of Hamtackle 2012, as I have been unable to secure adequate funding to get on the ballot in any of the Super Tuesday state primary elections. We are still working towards a strong showing in the general election as a write-in candidate, so I wanted to make sure the expansive Popular Irony viewing electorate were properly introduced to the current set of options for the presidential election this year. So please take a moment to read over this brief profile of each of my competitors, and remember to keep your hopes high for Hamtackle in 2012!

The republican primary season is reaching a crossroads today as voters line up and bend over for their rapist of choice. Expected to penetrate deepest and with most frequency is Mitt Romney, who is best described as an extra-terrestrial's best approximation of an American presidential candidate. I would welcome the opportunity shake hands with Mitt, not for some kind of gesture of political support but rather to quell my sneaking suspicion that his flesh is a cold silicone shell protecting his vital circuitry components. As a man that makes over $50,000 every day, he makes no effort at all to hide his unfamiliarity with the rest of the country. In perhaps his biggest political gaff yet, Mitt Romney admitted to profiting handsomely from an illegal ring of gladiator-style orphan fighting that was funded by the online sale of the tears of crying rape victims.

But he is not alone, as Romney's vie for the batshit vote is being challenged rather successfully by Rick Santorum. Santorum is a man with radical views about the direction of America's future, and believes rather strongly that the government must establish a new investigative branch that specializes in the sexual habits of private citizens in order to prevent what he would categorize as "moral decay". His belief in small government is so strong that his presidency would create an administration small enough to fit into your bedroom to protect you from you own free will. In Rick Santorum's perfect world every sexual act would result in pregnancy, and each reluctant parent should be solely responsible for their unwanted spawn's education and health care. That's right, no more contraception and no more public school system.

Perhaps the only thing preventing the successful defeat of Mitt Romney by Rick Santorum is the fact that many of the sheep-like religious conservative voters that will NEVER vote for a mormon are tied up in support for Newt Gingritch, who is currently beating out a competitive field for the support of the "bigot" demographic. He has been able to stay in the race despite being personally disliked by the countless Americans that have never met him, and even more so by the unfortunate few that have. He is a prominent adulterer and hypocrite of note, being on the receiving end of several well-documented extra-marital blowjobs from now-wife Calista on congressional property while simultaneously orchestrating a political witch hunt agains then-president Bill Clinton for doing the same. His talent is being snide, pompous and hateful, all of which are core virtues of the GOP elite. His polling numbers have dropped like a stone since late last year, leaving him in a virtual tie for last place and a nearly 30 point polling fall.

And any discussion of unelectable last place republican presidential candidates is never complete without mentioning Ron Paul. This man has all the charm of the quintessential small-town grandfather, with all of the outdated ideals one would expect. He has the fervent support of the youth demographic, which predictably translates into limited voter output. The greatest draw to this candidate (besides his assertion that all drugs should be legalized, which accounts for roughly 80% of his popularity) is his consistency on every subject without fail and his willingness to stand by an unpopular opinion with unwavering stubbornness, much as one would not be surprised that their elderly grandfather shit himself and stewed in it until his family discovered it from smell alone. His ultimate goal is to pass along all federal responsibilities to the state government, pretty much absolving his administration from any responsibility whatsoever.  So voting for him is kind of like making your place kicker team captain. He also holds the distinction of being the only candidate still in the race to have failed to win a single state so far, earning him the leftover pity votes that are cast in objection to the quality of the remaining field this election season.

These men stand united agains what they term to be the greatest threat to America, namely sitting president Barack Obama. Obama seeks re-election in the face of one of the most challenging presidential terms in memory, inheriting two active wars and an economy in freefall. He is criticized by the left for renewing the Patriot Act, failing to deliver a single-payer system to control health insurance rates that could fluctuate wildly with a personal mandate, being slow to respond to humanitarian crises in Syria and Libya, and for failing to live up to the message of "hope" and "change" that became his motto in the last presidential cycle. He is criticized by the right for baseless claims that he is a secretly foreign-born muslim extremist that is just waiting for the right moment to enact sharia law and reign as the second-coming of Joseph Stalin in a new American socialist state. To be fair, under his presidency there has been a reversal of downward economic trends, Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi are dead, a universal heathcare plan complete will patient's bill of rights has been passed, and just recently both Iran and North Korea appear willing to work with the international community toward monitoring their nuclear programs.

So there you have it, America. All losers down to the last candidate. Expect to see a revised and reanimated candidacy for president from yours truly, Hamtackle. I hope to see a dropout or two after tonight's results are final and will address you, the people with my short list of choices for my vice-presidential runningmate. Until then, just thank your lucky stars that Hamtackle is waiting to represent the REAL America.

Welcome masturbators, one and all to another installment of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly.  Join us in celebrating our shared pride in our favorite method of stress relief by broadening your masturbatory horizons.  Tonight we discuss the enemies of masturbation, induct a new member into the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and as always introduce two new techniques in this month's Diff'rent Strokes.

Guess which one has soiled hands?

There are those among us that do not share our enthusiasm for solo sexual gratification, and in some cases even fear it.  These are the enemies of masturbation, and they are gathering power.  There has been a movement among the ultra-conservative branches of the Republican party to attack the modern advances in masturbation and take jacking off back to the stone ages.  We at Popular Irony believe that someone should stand up for the frightened majority of us that prefer our jerking to be left to our own discretion.  And now we speak up for this under-reported story.

There is a document known as the "FAMiLY LEADER"pledge that was signed by former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and current candidate Rick Santorum that contains language that amounts to banning all forms of pornography.  You know, because jerking off destroys families.  This makes perfect sense, as both of them look like people who view sex as an unpleasant duty that is required to make babies.  Mott Romney is anti masturbation, in keeping with his mormon faith that in the LDS bible denounces masturbation as "wasting jizz".  Even Newt Gingritch, a confirmed pussy hound, is against porn.  Here are a few quotes from these candidates:

Rick Santorum: “Federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

Mitt Romney: “It is imperative that we cultivate the promotion of fundamental family values. This can be accomplished with increased parental involvement and enhanced supervision of our children. It includes strict enforcement of our nation’s obscenity laws, as well as the promotion of parental software controls that guard our children from Internet pornography.”

Newt Gingrich: When former Speaker Gingrich was asked if he will enforce existing laws that make distribution of hard-core adult pornography illegal, he responded: “Yes, I will appoint an Attorney General who will enforce these laws.”

So please drop by to their official webpages and let them know you are a proud masturbator.  And don't forget to tell them Popular Irony sent you.

http://www.newt.org/contact

http://www.ricksantorum.com/contact

http://mittromney.com/contact-us

http://bachmann.house.gov/Email/

Masturbation Hall of Fame

Now it is time to honor another person who has brought awareness to masturbation by inducting them into the masturbation hall of fame.  We celebrate their courage in the face of public humiliation and thank them for helping show the world that we are all normal people, and we all love to manually stimulate our genitalia.

He came for our sins...

Tonight we recognize a man who has long been overdue for praise from our monthly newsletter.  This man sacrificed his career for the one-handed passtime we all enjoy, and became the butt of countless jokes on the late night circuit.  This man is Paul Reubens, better known as Pee-wee Herman.  In 1991 Reubens was arrested in Florida for public exposure in an adult film theater.  Although certainly not the first guy to jerk it in a porno theater, the sponsors of his children's television show were somewhat concerned about image problems.  He was able to resurface for some film roles over the next decade, but his popularity was badly damaged.  For his significant sacrifice in the name of beating off, we honor Paul Reubens.

And now...  Diff'rent Strokes!!!

The Splint 'N Spank

:  Let's face it-  frequent masturbation can lead to discomfort and may even require significant recovery time, depending of the method and vigor used.  But many of us have masturbatory appetites that do not wait for our beaten, raw flesh to heal.  Use the splint method to give a withered cock the support needed to go for another round.  So get back in the saddle and beat it!

Frisky Fishy

:  The economic masturbator has produced ingenious masturbation techniques over the years, and this newest entry doesn't disappoint.  Simply drape a fish filet (with skin side out) over the shaft, get a grip, and stroke away!  This is an excellent and disposable way to satisfy your urges, and in a pinch can be washed and fried up for dinner!  It will be our little secret... 

Just Teabaggin'!

Welcome to a new experimental format for Bible Belt Babble.  It is I, "Teabag" himself, here to inform the faithful viewership in order to select the candidate that best represents the ideals of the average American Teabagger.  We are not talking about polite, reasonable, general election-type material, but good old-fashioned GOP primary racist values.  These days the Presidential hopefulls are not able to fully voice their bigotry for fear of damnation by the liberal media, but if you listen with the right kind of ears their beliefs make it out once in a while.  Let's run down the list of the top racist choices for President!

Rick Perry

 Earlier this campaign season we were all told to gasp in horror at the revelation that the Perry family hunting retreat in Texas was marked by a monument near the entrance known as "Niggerhead Rock".  While this may incite the rage of the PC police, it seems positively harmless to anyone that has spent time in the Lone Star State.  In fact, that kind of ambient racism is what earned Rick Perry the Governorship of Texas, and images of the rock were used in local campaign commercials.  And considering the regularity of his public speaking missteps we would have heard a Mel Gibson-like tirade that one time Perry gave a speech while on animal tranquilizers a couple months ago if he had a serious racist agenda.

Ron Paul

 Dr. Paul has a vision of American freedom through international isolationism, shift of governmental power back to the State level, and the abolishment of the Federal Reserve.  This freedom extends to the rights of the individual to infringe on the rights of other individuals, just like the founding fathers intended!  The evidence?  He is in favor of abolishing the Civil Rights Act, has the political support of white supremacy groups (like Stormfront, American Resistance, and the Institute of Historic Review) without disavowing them, and had many comments (insinuating that the distribution of welfare checks ended the LA riots, calling Martin Luther King day "hate whitey day", etc.) printed in his official newsletter.  They say Ron Paul wears his beliefs on his sleeve, and under that sleeve I see a sheet!

Newt Gingritch

 This floundering candidate made a big play for the racist vote this week by requesting an audience with the NAACP so he can deliver his message to black America.  That message?  "the African American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps."  He also referred to Barack Obama as "The best food stamp President in American history!"  While we at the Teabagger Party whole-heartedly agree with these comments, we feel the may be a little forced considering his recent drop in the polls, but we also must admit that it is easy to imagine Newt drunkenly ranting like Michael Richards with tourette's. 

Rick Santorum

 Very little is known about this candidate, mostly because no one has bothered to ask him about anything until recently.  But the one thing we all know about him is that he is deeply religious, and that makes for fertile ground when planting the seeds of racism.  The only time he has stolen the spotlight in the race so far he made a major slip of the tongue when he stated that we should not take money from rich people and give it to black people.   Now most analysts have determined that he meant to say "poor" instead of "black", and the Santorum campaign has flatly denied it even happened (despite ample video coverage).  But this freudian slip reveals much about how the mind values the black contribution to America.

Mitt Romney and John Huntsman

 These guys appear to be pretty clean, but are both mormon, which has a rich history of hating black people.  Read this quote from Brigham Young!

"You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind.

The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of any one of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings.

This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race--that they should be the "servant of servants;" and they will be, until that curse is removed."- Brigham Young-President and second 'Prophet' of the Mormon Church, 1844-1877- Extract from Journal of Discourses.

So while these candidates both have their mormon faith going for them, they both also have the same Achilles' heel:  their mormon faith.  But you weren't going to vote for either of them, were you?

So there you have it, fellow Teabaggers.  You now have a comprehensive diagnosis of the racist ideals of each of the active candidates.  We will leave the decision to you!