The campaign is over, and the president has established himself as a two term success with a mandate to press his political platform for the next four years. No longer burdened by the looming threat of a second term election battle, president Barack Hussein Obama has shed his electorate-friendly image and revealed his true agenda to a shocked and outraged american populace.

Gone is the empathetic smile and businessman's necktie, replaced with a stern gaze, neatly placed bowtie, and black-framed eyeglasses. As indicated by an unnamed Obama administration insider, "It appears that president Barack Obama has revealed himself to be a devout Nation Of Islam member." If confirmed, this revelation could have major implications on the future of the country and the president's willingness to compromise with the starkly white/male congress. In fact, there have been some disturbing rumblings coming from certain members of the conservative opposition that lends credibility to the story of the president's apparent radical leanings. According to house majority leader John Boehner:

Two hours after Ohio was called for the president on Tuesday I received an anonymous email to an encrypted congressional address that is reserved for sensitive communications. It featured an image of a meat packing facility with full view of a conveyor system of hog carcasses being processed with the caption "It is doubly dangerous to dance on the ice with heavy cloven hooves". At the time, I thought this might just be a joke from one of my agricultural campaign contributing buddies that was forwarded by one of my personal email accounts, but I am now convinced this was a thinly-veiled threat from the president.

At the time of publication for this story, we have yet to confirm the validity of a document that was possibly leaked from within the president's administration that details a disturbing and aggressive agenda for the upcoming term. It suggests that the disaster of the fiscal cliff scenario that would cause automatic and dire cuts to both social programs and military spending may only be avoidable with the implementation of a new "oppressor's tax" on those making greater than $1.25 million gross annual income that would range from 40%-80%, depending on a scaled tax table. The document also indicates a possible coalition with numerous black and latino political action committees that intend to press specific social reforms regarding affirmative action in hiring policies nationwide, and immigration reforms that would offer amnesty for undocumented immigrants and open the doors for their families to join them without persecution.

The commentary from both sides of the aisle is understandably sparse considering the unconfirmed nature of these reports, but we were able to secure the sentiment of Donald Trump via email. He simply stated "I fucking told you so, America. I fucking told you so."

Barack "POTUS" Obama

Incredible poker face, keeps cool in the most heated battles. Seems to play the game as if he doesn't want to win, or rather, doesn't want anyone to lose. Believes all players should volunteer to pay a higher ante for each game, and if any one player falls behind he should be considered for a communal "buy in" at a higher interest rate, just to keep things fair and interesting. Although he is very personable and pleasant, all other players hate him.

Willard "Mittens" Romney

Is in favor of eliminating the ante, and indeed would rather forego the entire game if all players agree to preemptively pass along their winnings to him, as he believes he will make the wisest choices when spending the money and in the end it will be better for everyone anyway. Promises that if he is allowed to win he will pick up the bill at the end of the night, except for the beer because he didn't have any. He is generally disliked due to his habit of playing cards while wearing a $10,000 suit, and over-using the word "fortuitous".

Sarah "The Anchor" Palin

The most unpredictable player, she has a habit of going "all in" regardless of the hand dealt to her. Talks too loudly and generally annoys all other players, but is tolerated because she frequently loses and a few players think she might show her tits some time. She remains flattered by her given nickname "The Anchor", but doesn't understand it is a reference to her ability to sink a campaign in record time. But she keeps the mood light by spitting in Barack's drink whenever he goes to the bathroom.

Johnny "Two-Tone" Boehner

So named for the irregular color of his skin, Boehner insists on his invitation to poker night every time despite hating the game in general. He initiates discussions on tactics and is always the first to volunteer to deal the cards, but stalls the game and frequently declares that everyone is cheating. It is very difficult to complete a game when he is playing, earning constant claims of "obstructionist gambling" by Barack.

"No-No" Nancy Pelosi

Takes a seat at the table, but never plays. She prefers to watch the game progress from the outside and then criticize the winners. Shamelessly roots for Barack much to his embarrassment, and is always on hand with a handkerchief to blot the tears of Boehner when he breaks down, which happens frequently. She is tolerated because she is a cheap date, drinking only water and eating only bird seed.

"Lonely" Ronny Paul

Not allowed to play, Paul is present at every game venue pounding on the door and shouting. All poker players have a silent agreement that he is dangerous to the game, and fear that it would quickly degenerate into a fistfight if he was allowed in. "Mittens" Romney always calls the local nursing home to have him picked up outside, a joke that got a laugh one time so he repeats it ad nauseum.