Greetings, my fellow Americans. It has been a long couple of months in the independent campaign of Hamtackle 2012, as I have been unable to secure adequate funding to get on the ballot in any of the Super Tuesday state primary elections. We are still working towards a strong showing in the general election as a write-in candidate, so I wanted to make sure the expansive Popular Irony viewing electorate were properly introduced to the current set of options for the presidential election this year. So please take a moment to read over this brief profile of each of my competitors, and remember to keep your hopes high for Hamtackle in 2012!
The republican primary season is reaching a crossroads today as voters line up and bend over for their rapist of choice. Expected to penetrate deepest and with most frequency is Mitt Romney, who is best described as an extra-terrestrial's best approximation of an American presidential candidate. I would welcome the opportunity shake hands with Mitt, not for some kind of gesture of political support but rather to quell my sneaking suspicion that his flesh is a cold silicone shell protecting his vital circuitry components. As a man that makes over $50,000 every day, he makes no effort at all to hide his unfamiliarity with the rest of the country. In perhaps his biggest political gaff yet, Mitt Romney admitted to profiting handsomely from an illegal ring of gladiator-style orphan fighting that was funded by the online sale of the tears of crying rape victims.
But he is not alone, as Romney's vie for the batshit vote is being challenged rather successfully by Rick Santorum. Santorum is a man with radical views about the direction of America's future, and believes rather strongly that the government must establish a new investigative branch that specializes in the sexual habits of private citizens in order to prevent what he would categorize as "moral decay". His belief in small government is so strong that his presidency would create an administration small enough to fit into your bedroom to protect you from you own free will. In Rick Santorum's perfect world every sexual act would result in pregnancy, and each reluctant parent should be solely responsible for their unwanted spawn's education and health care. That's right, no more contraception and no more public school system.
Perhaps the only thing preventing the successful defeat of Mitt Romney by Rick Santorum is the fact that many of the sheep-like religious conservative voters that will NEVER vote for a mormon are tied up in support for Newt Gingritch, who is currently beating out a competitive field for the support of the "bigot" demographic. He has been able to stay in the race despite being personally disliked by the countless Americans that have never met him, and even more so by the unfortunate few that have. He is a prominent adulterer and hypocrite of note, being on the receiving end of several well-documented extra-marital blowjobs from now-wife Calista on congressional property while simultaneously orchestrating a political witch hunt agains then-president Bill Clinton for doing the same. His talent is being snide, pompous and hateful, all of which are core virtues of the GOP elite. His polling numbers have dropped like a stone since late last year, leaving him in a virtual tie for last place and a nearly 30 point polling fall.
And any discussion of unelectable last place republican presidential candidates is never complete without mentioning Ron Paul. This man has all the charm of the quintessential small-town grandfather, with all of the outdated ideals one would expect. He has the fervent support of the youth demographic, which predictably translates into limited voter output. The greatest draw to this candidate (besides his assertion that all drugs should be legalized, which accounts for roughly 80% of his popularity) is his consistency on every subject without fail and his willingness to stand by an unpopular opinion with unwavering stubbornness, much as one would not be surprised that their elderly grandfather shit himself and stewed in it until his family discovered it from smell alone. His ultimate goal is to pass along all federal responsibilities to the state government, pretty much absolving his administration from any responsibility whatsoever. So voting for him is kind of like making your place kicker team captain. He also holds the distinction of being the only candidate still in the race to have failed to win a single state so far, earning him the leftover pity votes that are cast in objection to the quality of the remaining field this election season.
These men stand united agains what they term to be the greatest threat to America, namely sitting president Barack Obama. Obama seeks re-election in the face of one of the most challenging presidential terms in memory, inheriting two active wars and an economy in freefall. He is criticized by the left for renewing the Patriot Act, failing to deliver a single-payer system to control health insurance rates that could fluctuate wildly with a personal mandate, being slow to respond to humanitarian crises in Syria and Libya, and for failing to live up to the message of "hope" and "change" that became his motto in the last presidential cycle. He is criticized by the right for baseless claims that he is a secretly foreign-born muslim extremist that is just waiting for the right moment to enact sharia law and reign as the second-coming of Joseph Stalin in a new American socialist state. To be fair, under his presidency there has been a reversal of downward economic trends, Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi are dead, a universal heathcare plan complete will patient's bill of rights has been passed, and just recently both Iran and North Korea appear willing to work with the international community toward monitoring their nuclear programs.
So there you have it, America. All losers down to the last candidate. Expect to see a revised and reanimated candidacy for president from yours truly, Hamtackle. I hope to see a dropout or two after tonight's results are final and will address you, the people with my short list of choices for my vice-presidential runningmate. Until then, just thank your lucky stars that Hamtackle is waiting to represent the REAL America.
