All right, I have to level with you. This is not a post about boring missionary sex between married pasty white christians as the title might have led you to believe, but rather about the choice of news organizations by conservative America. If you are anything like me, you have spent countless hours pouring over the internet for various porn videos and pictures, sometimes to find compilations of 200 facials in 200 seconds, or maybe a five minute clip of Japanese tentacle porn.

No matter your tastes, we all find one thing refreshing about internet porn. You always find hardcore fucking that is untainted by random videos of cats doing stupid things, or fratboys denying their homosexual tendencies by delivering mutually painful nutshots. When you look for porn, you will ALWAYS find porn. The same thing occurs when a conservative watches FOX News. They don't want an objective story about the growing gap between the rich and the middle-class, or something pointing out hypocritical statements made during a GOP debate. You might accidentally run into some of that stuff if you watch a reputable journalist outlet, but the chances of finding that kind of honest portrayal on FOX is about as likely as regrowing a severed limb.

This is why independents and liberals need to stop crying foul whenever we notice FOX News displaying a blatant bias in their broadcast. This is like getting upset at finding anal fisting videos on Redtube. The people that go to Redtube are not surprised that they find porn there... they COUNT on it! So I could go on about how former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted in 2008 that they sent talking points to FOX News commentators that were designed to give a positive spin to the Bush administration, or about the numerous cases of the channel displaying poorly photoshopped images of liberals with facial features out of proportion to inspire ridicule from their viewers, or the time they used footage of a huge crowd to give the false impression that there was greater turnout for a healthcare protest than the measly 4,000 that actually attended, but it would do no good at all. You will never drive their viewership away with those kinds of journalistic revelations because that is exactly the kind of ignorance-reinforcing drivel that drew the flies to the dungheap in the first place.

And if there is one thing that has been consistent throughout human history for over 300,00 years (or 6,000 years, for the uneducated and superstitious among us), it is that ignorance is bliss. Weighing the pros and cons of both sides of a conflict will always be harder than putting your blinders on and focusing on one side, and facing the failures of the country you love will always be harder than touting the endless virtues of "American exceptionalism". And no place is safer for the ignorant than FOX News, the only place in journalism where you become less informed than those who don't pay ANY attention to news at all ( http://articles.nydailynews.com/2011-11-22/news/30431182_1_fox-news-results-show-viewers )

But I con't begrudge the ignorant their only outlet for ego-massaging, rhetoric-perpetrating propaganda. Because even I can admit that when I have an erection sometimes I just want to look at porn, too. But if you ever needed more evidence that FOX News is indeed an evil organization, look no further than this image of Rupert Murdoch's hands.

Greetings, fellow teabaggers. Willard "Teabag" Chinsley here with another dispatch from the sane side of political discourse. So much has happened since the last issue, and I have but a few paragraphs to explain it all. Well we start by saying goodbye to Rick Santorum and reluctantly throw our support behind *ahem*... Mitt Romney, take a look at the so called "war on women", and defend a friend of the teabaggers, Ted Nugent.

It was a disappointing day this past April 10th as we all had to say our sad goodbyes to teabagger favorite Rick Santorum. It seems Rick decided to dig that rusty hanger deep into the fertile womb of his candidacy and serve up a bloody abortion, much to the dismay of the REAL white, racist, homophobic, conservative, christian electorate. And while we are all upset that Rick didn't make the best of a bad situation and carry this campaign to term, we all understand that he needed to look out for the interests of his awkwardly large family. And with the most interesting thing to come out of the Gingrich campaign in the last couple of months being his announcement that he was recently bitten by a penguin, Bible Belt Babble is prepared to finally announce our support for Mitt Rom-not-one-of-us... Mitt Rom-mormon... let's try again... Mitt Romney (that hurts a little). So when you head off to the ballot box this November remember: he may have no personality, his political position may change depending which room he is in at the time, he may wear magic underwear, but at least he's not black. VOTE ROMNEY IN 2012!!!

The GOP has been getting a lot of grief over this "war on women" that is being manufactured by the liberal media in this country. But let's set the record straight on this one. The media claims this war is represented by purposed legislation in republican states to mandate invasive penetration ultrasounds before allowing babies to be slaughtered, calling prostitutes whores for using birth control, and destroying laws that demand women receive equal pay for unequal work. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Conservatives are not waging war on women. We are waging war on DISOBEDIENT women. God says that women are playthings for men, and their only other purpose is to birth a future generation of genetically superior of penis-bearing world leaders. And I think we can all agree that if the liberals disagree with God, then they don't even deserve to live in this country.

True to fashion, the anti-american democrats have taken aim at another true patriot, Ted "the motor city madman" Nugent. And what is the source of their misguided rage? A totally harmless comment about possibly making an attempt at assassinating Obama should he be re-elected to a second term of office. What's next? Are they going to attack him for becoming the legal guardian of a 17 year old girl for the purposes of making her his sex slave back in 1978? Or for shitting himself for thirty days straight and reporting to his draft review without bathing or chiseling the shit off his ass to appear insane so he didn't have to serve?  Come on America, if this country is a land where a borderline pedophile, gun-toting, musically-irrelevant, draft-dodging, deadbeat father of 8 can't threaten the life of our president, then I don't want to live here anymore.