Sit back.... relaaaax.....  Just breath deep and think of caaalm oceaaaan waaaaves.  Now close your eyes......  Thaaat's right..  Keep them closed .... Keep them cloooosed.  Now smell this.

No no no.. relax.  Just sit back down.  Calm calm.  I really want you to smell this.  ... No, you can't see it first, that would ruin the pleasur er,,, um fun.  Now sit back....  Relaaaax.  Think of warmmm mmountain breeeezes.   There you go. .... Isn't that nice?

Now keep your eyes closed and get ready... get ready.. to smell thi,.. What?  ...... Yes...... Yes, it is smelly......  What?!  Smelly can be good.......  In fact..... some people could even say that their favorite color.... is a stink.  An absolute wretched reek.  An unholy foulness that permeates the air like a fetid fog, but for some reason it strikes your fancy.  It has such a fetor, but such an attraction, that you fill paper sacks with it and breath into it like a horse feed bag.  Now think of waterfalls.  Smoooth glistening waterfalls.

Ok.  I can tell you this much.  It is a smell that I would very much like to be surprised with... .... What!? Well, that's just rude.  What gives you the idea that my odor palate would be so depraved.  Now I reeeally want you to smell it.

You know.... I could fucking make you smell it.  I've already rubbed it on a rag and it wouldn't take much for me to force it upon you.  I would prefer that you just relax, sit back, close your eyes and smell this fucking rag!

There you go.... relaaaax... just sit back... Oh, you are shuddering, you poor dear.  This stink will make you feeel aaaaalllll better.  Now close your eyes.... Whimpering is not relaxing... There you go... Relaaaax.

Now smell this....   See!?    Not bad eh!?   Lilac.

Greetings, neighbor! Could we have a few moments of your time to discuss the word of the almighty Satan?

Wait! Wait! I know what you're thinking. "What do these creeps think they are doing in this nice Christian neighborhood? Trying to corrupt our young ones and damn this whole city to hell?" But rest assured, friend, we mean you no harm. If you can spare just five minutes I can explain the message of the Dark One and how it can enrich your life.

 Great! I promise I'll be brief. Please take this sample literature that helps to understand our message, it will make for very informative reading later on. Firstly, we at the Satanic Church are probably the most misunderstood group in the world and the victims of a terrible negative pr campaign that is being perpetrated by the various Christian religions the world over. But far from being a scourge of the earth we are actually very productive members of society and have a lot to offer a good person such as yourself. Do you mind if we come in? I see we have attracted a bit of a crowd on your porch. Thanks.

 Oh no, it won't be necessary to make coffee just for us. But thank you for your kindness! And might I add that judging by the picture on the mantle you have a lovely family! Now if you don't mind, I will go over some of the misunderstandings you might have about Satanists, and explain our basic principles. First, you may have heard some scary stories about how we meet at night under an inverted crucifix to molest and sacrifice pure, virginal children in the name of Satan. Well this practice has been totally blown out of proportion, and only happens in the most extreme situations that require particularly powerful offerings. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had to spread the still-warm innards of a recently disemboweled toddler over my naked body. The truth is that we tend to manage our affairs very well and rarely end up in situations that require that kind of treatment. Besides, that kind of thing used to happen all the time in the early days of the bible. Just look at the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, or the offering of Lot's daughters to protect the angel in Sodom! Both were very similar to the binding and ritualized murder of children that is practiced in Satanism. Actually, most of the truly "offensive" and "vile" practices in our church are derived from the teachings of the bible, and you no doubt know just how wholesome those stories are.

And while it is true that we engage in several weekly orgies of drugs, cannibalism, and sodomy, this too is the result of influence from Christian sects! You see, the Catholics imbibe wine and bread that are not just representative of the blood and body of Christ, but they believe actually transform INTO his flesh and blood.  We at the Church of Satan just prefer to put aside the childish make-believe and engage in the genuine article.

And finally, there is a very troubling myth that is being spread around that implies that Satanists are actively attempting to destroy society and lead the world toward armageddon. This, my friend, couldn't be farther from the truth. You see, we believe that the domain of earth is a playground for Satan's children, and we have a solemn duty to enjoy all of it's fruits to as much excess as the heart desires. So why would we try to bring on the downfall of our own bountiful wonderland? It makes no sense. But can you tell me who actually longs for the end of days, when the blessed ascend to paradise on a ridiculous white horse leaving the sinners to rot in an inferno on earth? That's right, it's the Christians again. That is really the only reason why they get along so well with the Jews, because their silly religion dictates that Israel must be an independent state in order for the end to begin. Can't you see that the only people that have a vested interest in the destruction of mankind are the ones who proclaim to love them so much? This is why I knocked on your door, dear neighbor, to offer you a paradise on earth so that you may begin your feast on the bounty before it is too late! Your misguided ways have kept you from the table of the Gods for too long, and we now offer you a salvation that begins not when you die, but RIGHT NOW!

Excellent. I knew you would come along once your eyes were opened. Just a few formalities to discuss now, such as the $75 monthly dues, which although are mandatory will be reimbursed with your allotment of sacraments, such as hallucinogens and dove blood, and a low one-time fee of $150 that will cover your dark robes to wear at the Church. Just take the money at your earliest convenience, soak it in the blood of a fresh wound and cast it in a fire. And yes, we will know if you have done this or not. We will be by after one cycle of the moon to take you to your first Church service. and oh yeah, bring your daughter... for stuff.

Welcome to the latest installment of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly, the one place you can proudly say that you jerk and spray! We have some great informative and entertaining articles for you today, with suggestions for how to handle being caught in the act, a reader's personal account of self-seduction, and as always a couple new methods in diff'rent strokes! So let's get started.

Tender Loving with Dr. Lance Tenderman

Everyone who is a regular reader of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly knows that self-love is nothing to be ashamed of, but one cannot help being embarrassed when caught in the act by an uninvolved party. But I'm here to help as always, so I will go over a common situation with my sound professional advice.

The first scenario: A teenage boy is studying for an upcoming quiz, and need to rub a quick one out to relieve stress and focus on his textbooks. So the lights go low, some of his favorite pornography is on display, and he commences to stroking. Without a single knock the door swings open, but before he can even pull the covers up on the bed it is hastily shut again. He knows what has happened. His mother caught him masturbating.

 Now every mother is aware that their son masturbates, and she is should know not to open the door without knocking unless the house is on fire, so some shaming is in order. I suggest that instead of pretending nothing happened and struggling through awkward conversation for the next few days, you should not let your moment be ruined. Take control of the situation and give her what she apparently wanted. Using a webcam or digital camera, document your entire masturbation ritual in excruciating detail, from setup to cleanup. Put the whole thing on a usb flash drive labeled "your son pleasuring himself" and deliver it to her with the following message:

I understand that at your age you can be quite curious, and that is completely natural. And while my privacy is very important to me, so is your proper sexual development. So I have decided to give you exactly what you were seeking when you opened my bedroom door without knocking, and have documented the whole process for your observation. Perhaps once your curiosity has been satisfied you will understand why I never open your door without knocking, and I am certain you will have a renewed respect for my personal space. Thank you.

 I can assure you she will never look in your room again. In fact, she might not ever even look you in the eyes.  That my friends, is called respect.

How Masturbation Saved My Life

"I am a successful business man, and I am constantly traveling. But I used to have an overwhelming anxiety problem when flying that has really affected my opportunities, and I tried everything from drugs to breathing techniques to get over it. But I discovered the secret: masturbation. Back when I first got my current job I was required to take a particularly long flight, from Washington D.C (where I live) all the way to Los Angeles. I went to the bathroom in the terminal to 'get the fear out' after purchasing the newest hustler magazine at the news stand, but totally lost track of time. By the time I was washed up and ready I was horrified to learn that my flight had already left! I argued with the airline for a few hours to try to get another flight, but the next one wasn't until the next day, to I head home for the evening. When I got my car out of the lot and turned on the radio I was shocked... Flight 77 from D.C. to L.A. had crashed into the Pentagon minutes earlier, as well as several other tragedies that we all came to know as 9/11. To this day I always make sure to get a quick stroke session in before flying, almost in a superstitious ritual for save travel. Thanks to the editors at MEM for taking the shame out of masturbation. You just might be saving lives."

George Pearson, Wash DC

Diff'rent Strokes

Penile Beads

Many of the more sexually adventurous readers might already have experience with anal beads, and their ability to add a pleasurable stimulus to normal practices is legendary. So why not take that technology a little further? A set of smaller anal beads can easily be repurposed to be used as penile beads and are sure to please! Just make sure you use a generous application of water-based lubricant to ensure only minimal urethra tearing, and you won't be left wanting ever again!

The Pump Hump

The pursuit of personal pleasure has a rich history of utilizing everyday household items to enhance the solo love experience. And we are pretty sure just about everyone has a simple bicycle pump hidden away in the garage, so go get it ready! As long as you use a brand new pump needle and some personal restraint when pumping, it is entirely safe to add a new sensation as well as a little temporary girth! Don't be alarmed by the discoloration you experience, as it is totally natural and will fade in time.

There are few things that inspire the creativity of man greater than torture and murder, and civilizations over time have struggled to combat the unending cruelty displayed by it's citizenry with equally terrible resolve, with varying results. The purpose of these acts have as much to do with preventing such offenses as they do with punishing criminals, as evidenced by the public forum that they are most commonly performed in. Tonight I will give a short list of five such punishments that I believe are particularly inventive and effective in spreading fear and horror among the condemned and beyond.

5.) The Five Pains:

Not surprisingly, China has led the way historically in inhumane execution. They are the only civilization represented twice on this list and could easily fill a respectable torture and execution top ten on their own. The five pains method was invented in the Qin Dynasty by Li Si, an advisor to the emperor. It consisted of the severing of the nose, then one hand and one foot, followed by castration and then cutting the victim in two at the waist. Anyone executed by this method would live through the process until the final cut, making it particularly horrible. But justice has a way of finding the cruel no matter how well protected or powerful they are, and ultimately Li Si found himself on the receiving end of his creation in 208 B.C. after being convicted of treason.

4.)The Blood Eagle:

And what list of brutality would be complete without a contribution by the Norse Vikings? Any culture that grants afterlife exclusively to those that died in violent battle is bound to inspire ingenious abuse methods, and the Vikings give us the blood eagle. This execution method was possibly the most labor intensive, require ing the executioner to detach the ribs at the spine then splay them outward, breaking them, then pulling out and flattening the lungs to appear like the bloodstained wings of a demon. And adding salt to the wound, salt was literally added to the wound. Now that's just plain mean. I imagine this must have required some artistic talent in the executioner to perform correctly, proving again that the best work is always done by those that love their job.

3.) The Colombian Necktie:

This is the only execution method on the list that was devised in modern times, and where better than the heart of violent revolution in South America, Colombia? The earliest examples of this method being used trace it to the civil war known as La Violencia, which broke out in 1948. Aptly named, this act consists of the slashing of the victim's throat, after which the executioner would reach into the wound and pull the tongue out, leaving it to dangle between the collar bones like a gentlemanly necktie. Like all torturous techniques, the main objective would be to inspire fear in those that witnessed the act or found the victim's afterward rather than solely just for punishment of the victim. Although rarely practiced anymore, the brutality of the drug trade has accounted for a few occurrences in the last couple of decades. Here's hoping for a comeback.

2.) Lingchi:

Better known as slow slicing, or the death by a thousand cuts, Lingchi was a public execution style that was designed to prolong death and cause as much pain as humanly possible. It is said that medical doctors of the time provided one thousand strips of paper that bore the names of different locations on the body, and the executioner would draw the strips out, one by one, until the victim died. While this sounds about as horrible a punishment as can be imagined, it appears (in true capitalist fashion) that there may have been a loophole for the rich that were condemned to suffer this act. If the family of the victim paid a sufficient bribe to the torturer then the first strip he pulled from the box would be for the throat, and they would be dispatched with the first cut. But that did not mean they escaped entirely, as the body would still suffer through a few dozen additional cuts before the whole thing ended. And similarly to The Five Pains mentioned above, the corpse of the condemned would be buried incomplete, ensuring that the spirit was separated from the body and denying them an afterlife.

1.) Scaphism:

We have representation in this list from the Colombians, the Vikings, and twice from the Chinese, but there is one glaring party yet to attend this bloody party. Well rest assured, the number one spot belongs to the Persians. Scaphism was possibly the most horrible and inventive form of execution and torture ever devised, and is almost unknown in modern times. Known commonly as the boats, the victim was placed in the middle of two small boats, attached like a coffin with holes to allow the head and limbs to protrude, and then sent to the middle of a stagnant pond to bake in the sun. But the real bitch of this method was in the preparation. The victim was force fed copious amounts of milk and honey, then slathered in honey before being sealed inside the boats. This caused rampant and unending nausea and diarrhea and attracted hordes of flies and maggots to breed inside the coffin. Along with being baked alive, the victim was eaten from the inside out, often ending up with insects crawling out of the nose and mouth. From what I understand this is the punishment that we have lined up for Jerry Sandusky.

Well, there you have it folks. My short list of the worst ways to die that have ever been devised on earth. But the truly creative sadists out there should take this as a challenge, and maybe we can push the limits of advancements in death and dismemberment in the 21st century. My money is on the mexican cartels.

Welcome one and all to another installment of Films For Fiends, where I, Hamtackle, review the most foul, violent, and disturbing films of all time. Tonight I bring you Guinea Pig: The Devil's Experiment by Satoru Ogura. This is a somewhat legendary film that was released in 1985, and it was rumored to be a re-enactment of a snuff film that was sent to the director. He apparently watched it before sending it to the Tokyo police, but it dominated his thoughts until he reproduced it for our viewing pleasure. It consists of very little plot and a whole lot of brutal torture, and gave rise to the term "gorno". So let's see if it's worth a violence boner.

The film is only 43 minutes long, and centers around a group of three guys who decide to carry out a horrible experiment. They will capture a random woman and torture her until she decides to accept death, then send the results to the police. Charming, I know. It is all shot very amateurish to add to it's authenticity, and begins with a clean-cut lady tied to a chair being slapped repeatedly by her captors. They dip their hands in water and coat them in salt for further brutal effect, and beat her mercilessly with a coin-filled sock. The only saving grace to the disturbing scene is that it is clearly fake, and the woman takes the beating like a champ.

I imagine this might be where most real women would check out in real life, but this tough gal endures a three man texas-style boot party followed by a thorough pinching administered by pliers without appearing very impressed. The thugs take her toughness as a challenge, but again fail to break her when they inexplicably decide to spin her in an office chair to the point of unconsciousness, then force feed her liquor. Not much of a torture if you ask me. I did this same thing to myself two weeks ago.

Moving on to psychological torture, the men play computerized static to her through headphones for twenty hours until she screams like a banshee then appears to go comatose. But still she persists. It is at this point that they ratchet up the violence, tearing out patches of her hair and peeling away her fingernails. For me it would be at this point that I request a bullet, but not her. I am starting to like this lady.

Now the men liberally apply scalding cooking oil to her tender bits, starting with the inside flesh of her arms, to sizzling effect. Cue the maggots. The foul worms are applied to her burns and go to town on the necrotic flesh, although the girl seems too out of it to properly digest the horror of the situation. Strangely, the captors then decide to giggle like retards while they throw rotting meat at their prisoner. Entertaining? Yes. Torture? No.

But then the trio begins to truly test her bounds. They cut her hands with a scalpel and batter them with a hammer in what is actually a pretty convincing special effect, and then shove a needle through the side of her head and out her retina. Talk about escalating the situation. The film ends rather abruptly with a shot of the dead woman suspended in some kind of net.

So overall, how was it? I spent most of this film wondering what all the fuss was about. The majority of the torture is rather mundane and not particularly disturbing, but the ambiance and tone of it is quite menacing and downright mean. But the gouging of the eye was definitely cringe-worthy, even for someone as desensitized as myself. Overall I felt like I was cheated out of the gruesome promises the film made on the internet, probably mostly due to the acting of the victim. I am a big fan of japanese gore films, and they are generally much more inventive and unconventional than american slasher flicks, but the stoic submissiveness of the japanese woman lends itself better to pornography than torture, I guess. At least it avoids the transparently dishonest attempt at redeeming morality that tarnishes films like Cannibal Holocaust, although it is more likely to lull a gore-hound to sleep than inspire frantic masturbation. But I understand there are like six other brutal short films in the Guinea Pig franchise, so perhaps they will still live up to my expectations, assuming I can track them down. Until then, my blood lust will be left wanting.

Hello friends and loyal readers.  It's your old pal Terlet.  This is going to be a bit of an abnormal post today. 

About a month and a half ago, I went to my doctor and got a physical.  I have been going to this same doctor for about 20 years and he is a pretty nice guy.  During my physical, he told me that my back hurts because I am fat and I have high blood pressure, because I am fat and that I am almost diabetic, because I am fat.  When they needled me and pulled some blood, it instantly separated into blood and bacon grease.

I told my friendly doctor that I was serious about getting rid of my gut and that I would get into better shape before our follow up appointment 2 months later.  Since then, I have done nothing.  My completely sedentary, bacon fueled lifestyle has continued unabated.

I just realized that in 2 weeks I am do for that follow up appointment.  Aw shit!  My doctor and I are comfortable with each other and he would not hesitate to voice his disappointment over the status of my jiggly gut and man-tits. 

I don't feel like getting a guilt trip from my doctor and I actually would like to get in better shape.  So today I decided to start working out.  I have the INSANITY workout DVDs.  I am going to go into my living room in a moment and pop on the first DVD.  Once complete, I will come back and finish this post.  If this is posted without any day 1 workout results, it is because I fucking died while exercising.

Alright.... Here I go.  This is gonna suck.  Let's see how I do!!

30 minutes later......

Ow.  Ow ow ow.  I was right!  I am out of shape.  I got through about 3/4 of the first disc.  It was painful.  I am out there hopping around like an idiot with my dog jumping all over me.  I am very sweaty.  So sweaty, hot and stinky.  Leg pain.  oooooooooh LEG PAIN!!

Let's see if I can keep it up or if this is only a 1 time thing.  I need to pop on disc 2 tomorrow.  It might happen..... might.  ow.

Now that I am all sweaty, I pretty much look like this guy.

Sweaty

Thanks for putting up with this lame, self centered post.  I promise I will make up for it eventually with something truly disgusting and perverse.  Smooches -Terlet

Any regular reader would notice that yesterday I suffered an unprovoked attack of homophobic poetry penned by my dear colleague Terlet.  Not one to take such an offense lying down I decided to respond in kind.  So I give you this post in the spirit of mutually assured destruction, perhaps with a heightened level of homophobia and distaste.  Enjoy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Terlet has an inverted penis

Like a button applied by a seamstress

From ten paces you'd say

It must have rotted away

And until now it's been a secret between us

Terlet is secretly gay

His ass is on frequent display

He considers your meat

A delectable treat

And he's eager to spread for some pay

Terlet is crippled and queer

He's unhappy without feces to smear

His left leg is lame

But his asshole is game

And as a bottom his sex has no peer

Terlet thinks cocks are sublime

His mouth can take two at a time

He would never protest

A request to molest

And he'll swallow your load for a dime

Terlet submits to gay men

Nightly he services ten

He's quite proud to say

That no cock's turned away

And he keeps deepthroating until you say "when"

Terlet is fueled by cum

It's inserted by way of his bum

And when he runs low

His feet move quite slow

So he plugs up his drip with his thumb

Terlet is dying of aids

His friends watch as he steadily fades

Through gay sex it was caught

And now he's destined to rot

And his lesions are scattered in spades

Terlet has an insatiable anus

He finds the most aggressive act to be painless

But once you beat your meat

Make a hasty retreat

Because his requests for more sex are quite shameless

Terlet

Every once in a while we at Popular Irony like to give our readers some fun activities to break up all the rampant boredom in our daily lives.  Today we offer these titillating and challenging connect-the-dots puzzles of pornographic images.  Can you guess what's going on in the pictures?  It is all a mystery until you connect all the dots!

Boy, this one is really tricky.  I'm pretty sure this fine young lady is making the bed, and her boyfriend is approaching to give her a hand.  Is there anything else going on?  Connect the dots to find out!

This pretty lady must be enjoying some delicious icecream.  But what flavor is her favorite?  The only way to find out is to complete the puzzle!

These two friends are having a great time wrestling, but who is winning?  If you connect the dots you can see which guy has the "upper hand".

This lovely lady looks a little distressed.  Can you tell why?  Complete the puzzle to solve this mystery!

She was constantly begging to go outside, and disappeared for hours. Upon her return her fur is disheveled, she walks funny, and I hear the not-so-distant wails of unfulfilled strays calling for her. I think my cat is a whore.

So I stopped letting her go out and started shooing away the strays that assemble outside my back door, but her personality changed overnight. She was getting rather aggressive with me, and I could tell she wasn't very happy with her enforced imprisonment in the house. Her behavior worsened until I made a disturbing discovery that shed some light on the situation. I found four empty bags of catnip tucked under her kitty bed.

I was unsure how to handle this problem without provoking her, and her emotional state was becoming unpredictable to put it mildly. When I returned home from work one night I found a fresh shit on the center of my bed and a decapitated mouse in the bathroom. I can only assume it was a warning. So I let her outside.

She was gone for two straight days and I was certain I had lost her. But late one night I heard some moaning out of the bedroom window. She had returned, but was desperately hungry and downright filthy. Her fur was now matted in what I imagine was the dried semen of dozens of tomcats, and she appeared to have some sort of eye infection. Thank goodness I had her fixed years ago. I don't think our relationship could have survived if she brought a litter of nip-babies into this world. It was then that I decided to get control of the situation in anyway possible.

I have reinstated the harsh imprisonment terms, at least until I can trust her again. And in a last ditch effort to keep her demeanor manageable and prevent frequent escape attempts, I caved in and decided to feed her addiction. I currently give her servings of catnip twice per day, but with a slightly reduced quantity each week. By my calculations I will have weaned her off the nip within two months. It terrifies me to think how long she has been on this shit, and I feel guilty that I was so blind. I could have saved her so many hasty back-alley penetrations if only I had known sooner...

Two men, close friends, and a sexy secret.