Here at Abstinence Only University we apply the concepts embraced by Missouri public schools to provide the nation's first sociologically and scientifically hostile higher learning environment. If accepted, you scholarly experience begins with the mandatory wool and burlap uniforms and luxurious segregated dormitories, where you will enjoy a living space bereft of sexual temptation. But it doesn't stop there! We offer some of the most wholesome theologian-approved curriculum available in the bible belt!

Come join "professor" Diane Watkins as she explains the economic concepts of supply and demand through the lens of fundamental and righteous gender inequality. Learn how a woman's inherent lack of intellectual aptitude drives the world economy and how Jesus calls for male dominance to ensure fruitful capitalist prosperity until the second coming!

Discover how touching your genitals for any reason other than bathing could be responsible for the decline and eventual collapse of the American empire, just as it was for the historic doomed empires of the Ottomans and Romans! And take in the refreshing historical teachings that show us how personal sexual shame can benefit human civilization for generations to come at one of our acclaimed* lectures by notable author Norman Gregory.

Or is social studies more your thing? Perhaps you could sign up for Sociology 101 with Dr. Spencer Watson and experience the worldwide revolution in feminine empowerment by the adoption of ancient cultural traditions in the middle east, where fashion designers are "taking back the burkha" and making it a symbol of pride for western women today!

And for the inquisitive child in all of us there is a robust curriculum of natural science courses to demonstrate divine wrath for those that presume to understand the ways of God through observation of dangerous chemical reactions and exposure to radioactivity. Come learn how viewing the heavens through a telescope is the moral equivalent of a peeping tom staring lustfully through the keyhole of God's creation, and how piety can lead to intellectual truth!

So take the plunge and join us in training a new generation to fill America's future businesses with an army of righteous businessmen, politicians, and technicians that have an understanding grounded in respect for God's natural law, and steeped in a deep personal sexual shame. Our supporters are touting us as "A heavy-handed approach to integrating theological dogma into secular teachings" and "A dangerous regression into fostering contempt for scientific advancement."  Degree not included.

The economy is rough out there. Businesses are closing their doors at an alarming rate, and only those on the cutting edge of financial theory are finding their piece of the ultimate commodity that we call appreciating solvency. The good news is that the answer has been sitting right under our noses since the dawn of mankind. Faith.

That's right. You probably spent countless hours and untold thousands of dollars analyzing market data, consumer confidence, and financial projections just to find your business unable to gain foothold on the slippery slope of success. And for every breakthrough there seems to be two obstacles, like an immortal serpent sprouting heads from every bleeding wound. But mankind has known these struggles before, and has always bested them with the application of a market principle we have named "ignorant certainty". This cultural tool is what motivated entire continents to wage brutal war for generations fueled by nothing more than an imagined sense of superiority and entitlement. The same tool that drove whole civilizations to doom themselves to famine and suffering in the pursuit of the construction of massive monuments to pay tribute to unseen deities. And now that same power that organized millions to move mountains can be yours with a simple call to Faith Based Business Consulting Inc.

But how do we ensure results without evidence? By liquidizing your entire business analytics model and operational computing practices, that's how. For far too long businesses have bowed down to the almighty spreadsheet, trusting it's unreliable, unpredictable, and unresponsive "figures" to drive their investment decisions, turning their backs on the very principle that separated us from the animals and gave humanity a stranglehold on earth. It's time to stop

spending

money with your brain and start

earning

money with your heart.

With a simple phone call we will send over one of our licensed analysts to visit your operational facilities and perform a series of meditative sessions and animal sacrifices to ensure you have the best possible options to drive your business forward, covering all facets of your business from staffing to advertising. And the best part is that all costs of implementation are absorbed by the vast savings you will experience by eliminating rational procedural expense optimization efforts, and if you market your new policy of ignorance well enough, your business might even qualify for federal tax-exempt status! There is literally

NO

downside!

So call us now and we will put you on the same path of historic success that gave us the Roman empire, the pyramids in Egypt, and every war in recorded history... Faith!

The term "faith-based" implies a disregard for normal consulting practices. Any guarantees of success are offered with an assumption of diligent and honest belief in the soundness of the program, and any failures are assumed to be driven by a lack of proper faith. FBBC Inc. denies any wrongdoing or responsibility in the supposed formation of tertiary cult-like organizations that are actively practicing ritualized torture or ethnic cleansing. Due to the open admission of a complete lack of evidence for successful consulting experience FBBC Inc. enjoys immunity from punitive legal pursuits. Because the market works in mysterious ways, believe at your own risk.

Greetings, neighbor! Could we have a few moments of your time to discuss the word of the almighty Satan?

Wait! Wait! I know what you're thinking. "What do these creeps think they are doing in this nice Christian neighborhood? Trying to corrupt our young ones and damn this whole city to hell?" But rest assured, friend, we mean you no harm. If you can spare just five minutes I can explain the message of the Dark One and how it can enrich your life.

 Great! I promise I'll be brief. Please take this sample literature that helps to understand our message, it will make for very informative reading later on. Firstly, we at the Satanic Church are probably the most misunderstood group in the world and the victims of a terrible negative pr campaign that is being perpetrated by the various Christian religions the world over. But far from being a scourge of the earth we are actually very productive members of society and have a lot to offer a good person such as yourself. Do you mind if we come in? I see we have attracted a bit of a crowd on your porch. Thanks.

 Oh no, it won't be necessary to make coffee just for us. But thank you for your kindness! And might I add that judging by the picture on the mantle you have a lovely family! Now if you don't mind, I will go over some of the misunderstandings you might have about Satanists, and explain our basic principles. First, you may have heard some scary stories about how we meet at night under an inverted crucifix to molest and sacrifice pure, virginal children in the name of Satan. Well this practice has been totally blown out of proportion, and only happens in the most extreme situations that require particularly powerful offerings. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had to spread the still-warm innards of a recently disemboweled toddler over my naked body. The truth is that we tend to manage our affairs very well and rarely end up in situations that require that kind of treatment. Besides, that kind of thing used to happen all the time in the early days of the bible. Just look at the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, or the offering of Lot's daughters to protect the angel in Sodom! Both were very similar to the binding and ritualized murder of children that is practiced in Satanism. Actually, most of the truly "offensive" and "vile" practices in our church are derived from the teachings of the bible, and you no doubt know just how wholesome those stories are.

And while it is true that we engage in several weekly orgies of drugs, cannibalism, and sodomy, this too is the result of influence from Christian sects! You see, the Catholics imbibe wine and bread that are not just representative of the blood and body of Christ, but they believe actually transform INTO his flesh and blood.  We at the Church of Satan just prefer to put aside the childish make-believe and engage in the genuine article.

And finally, there is a very troubling myth that is being spread around that implies that Satanists are actively attempting to destroy society and lead the world toward armageddon. This, my friend, couldn't be farther from the truth. You see, we believe that the domain of earth is a playground for Satan's children, and we have a solemn duty to enjoy all of it's fruits to as much excess as the heart desires. So why would we try to bring on the downfall of our own bountiful wonderland? It makes no sense. But can you tell me who actually longs for the end of days, when the blessed ascend to paradise on a ridiculous white horse leaving the sinners to rot in an inferno on earth? That's right, it's the Christians again. That is really the only reason why they get along so well with the Jews, because their silly religion dictates that Israel must be an independent state in order for the end to begin. Can't you see that the only people that have a vested interest in the destruction of mankind are the ones who proclaim to love them so much? This is why I knocked on your door, dear neighbor, to offer you a paradise on earth so that you may begin your feast on the bounty before it is too late! Your misguided ways have kept you from the table of the Gods for too long, and we now offer you a salvation that begins not when you die, but RIGHT NOW!

Excellent. I knew you would come along once your eyes were opened. Just a few formalities to discuss now, such as the $75 monthly dues, which although are mandatory will be reimbursed with your allotment of sacraments, such as hallucinogens and dove blood, and a low one-time fee of $150 that will cover your dark robes to wear at the Church. Just take the money at your earliest convenience, soak it in the blood of a fresh wound and cast it in a fire. And yes, we will know if you have done this or not. We will be by after one cycle of the moon to take you to your first Church service. and oh yeah, bring your daughter... for stuff.