"Put down that potato peeler!"  Shouted Officer Toilf.  "Don't make me shoot you."  The scaly monster in his Grandmother's kitchen turned it's head to make eye contact, a potato peeler clutched in it's clawed hand.

"I'm making potato salad." the monster calmly responded.  "It's your favorite kind, German."

Officer Toilf mopped his dripping brow with the back of his non-gun-wielding hand.  "What did you do to my Grandmother?!  Where is my Granny!?!"

"German, with caraway seeds." said the giant lizard with a gravelly, sing songy voice.  "I also put in thick, smoked, pepper bacon, because I know how much you love it."  The beast turned it's back on the manic, uniformed man and went back to peeling.

"What are you?  Why are you here?!"  Shouted Officer Toilf. "WHERE IS MY FUCKING GRANDMOTHER!?" 

The creature's back straightened with an unnatural jerk, it's head snapping to the side leveling one of it's bright red eyes at Toilf.  "Watch your lanuguage young man!"  Shrieked the creature, it's eyes lightly glowing.

"Who are you!?" Yelled Officer Toilf.  "Where is my grandmother?" 

"What do you mean deary?  You are talking like a loony."  Said the monster, smoke seeping from it's mouth  "Now help your old Granny, wash these carrots".

Officer Toilf looked at the monster.  He studied it's wrinkly scales, it's shiny, spiky spine, it's large, powerful tail.  The beast poured the Potatoes into a large pot, then continued to add red onion, parsley, white wine, butter, bacon and chicken broth.

Fired poured from radioactive lizard's  mouth as it began heating the large pot of food.  Officer Toilf's eyes narrowed, recognition finally dawning on him.

"Grandma, is that a new wig?  You look twenty years younger!  You scared the bejeezus out of me.  I thought there was a young, beautiful, home invader in my Gran's house."

"Why thank you dear.  You are such a sweetheart. " responded Grandma Toilf. "Now wash up for dinner, pumpkin."

Grandmazilla

-The End-

I wasn't sure what to post tonight, so I made up some filthy limericks. These are originals, but certainly nothing to be proud of. Enjoy!

Her husband had passed out between us

And her nude form affected my penis

So I gave her my inches

And a few playful pinches

But he awoke with a stroke 'cause he'd seen us

My drinking was making me floppy

So the whore had to balance atop me

Some juices exuded

So I quickly concluded

Her seconds were decidedly sloppy

She explained when I inserted my thumb

That a beating would help her to cum

So I bit off her clit

And made her admit

That her vagina was actually numb

My girl lost a toy in my anus

And I insisted removal be painless

So she reached deep inside

But it continued to hide

Now my doctor is sure of my gayness

Rory Cudgel

Welcome erotic adventurers, welcome!  It's me, your old pal, Rory Cudgel.  Come on, you know me!  Rory!  From the alley behind the 7-11.  ..... How could you forget me!?  Remember just last week I followed you for 3 blocks until you finally gave me some spare change?  Remember how I called you Action Pants and kept offering to trade my pickle jar for a single lock of your gorgeous hair?  Of course you remember. 

I am proud to inform you that the bus stop bench on which you are patiently waiting has recently been annexed as part of the campus of my Exclusive University!  This bus bench is the classroom and that dumpster is the cafeteria.  Today they are serving Mac & Cheese!!!

Well, since you are in my classroom, I assume that you are here to learn.  So let's start the class.  Oh, don't protest now!  Everybody deserves a good education.  I present to you, your textbook.  The Urban Field Guide to Carnal Delights.  Here take the guide,.... No, Seriously, take it...  TAKE IT NOW!!  That's better.  I know you think that it just looks like a bundle of soggy napkins and newspaper scraps, but woven within those pages are secrets never before disclosed.... Sexy secrets.

Now, because this is the first day of class we don't want to start off with something too difficult.  We will get to kissing and hand holding soon enough.  Those are advanced techniques, first we will start with one of the basics of physical love.  The Prostate Massage.

I swear if you leave this bench you will fail this class and I will have to teach you a completely different type of lesson.  probably a stabby lesson.  Sit back down.  That's better.  Don't cry now.. I know school can be stressful.  First things first... The prostate is a pleasurable bundle of nerves stuffed up inside a man's asshole.  If the prostate is properly stimulated, a man can cum buckets.  Big hot buckets of cum.  Cum everywhere. 

Pop quiz!!!!  What happens when you stimulate the prostate?   Answer NOW NOW NOW!!  What happens!!??  ...... That's right!  Buckets of it!!  You get a gold star.

Now, there are many different ways to stimulate the prostate, fingers, beer bottles, wine bottles, liquor bottles.  Let me tell you from experience.  It only takes one bottle shattering inside your ass to make you swear off of bottle stimulation entirely.  My personal favorite method is what I like to call the "Joe The Plumber". 

Now you need two things to properly do the "Joe The Plumber"  A clean, smooth dumpster and a bathroom plunger capable of suction.  Most plungers you tend to find lying around in an alleys have lost their suck.  It's best to sneak into a fast food restaurant and borrow theirs.  Ronald McDonald has deep pockets, they can afford to buy a new plunger. 

Now the first thing to do is to determine the height of your pleasure stance.  Squat down enough to be able to give your hips a push backwards and forwards while still being able to yank on your nubbins.  Now guesstimate how high your asshole is above the ground while in that position.  Once you have the height, you need to find a nice, smooth surface at that height on the front of the dumpster. 

Once you find the dumpsters sweet spot, you will want to adhere the plunger to the dumpster with the power of vacuums.  Plungers stick much better if they are wet.  If no alley water is available, just give the interior of the rubber part of the plunger a good and thorough pissing.  The piss will act as a catalyst for the suction.  Next you will want to stick that pissey plunger right on the sweet spot of the dumpster.  Pretty erotic, huh?

Joe The Plumber

Once the love making device is mounted, go ahead and spit all over the wooden part of the plunger.  Soak as much of the handle as possible with saliva, it will ease the insertion.  Once lubed, drop your pants and slowly back into the apparatus.  Let the handle slowly fill you with it's poorly sanded, wooden goodness.  Now rock back and forth and don't forget to work the shaft!  If mounted correctly, the plunger handle should be shoving up right against your prostate!  Just rock back and feel the waves of pleasure flowing through you. 

Once you have cum your buckets, you are free to dismount.  Careful now, the number one cause of anal tearing is due to inefficient dismounting.  So, what did we learn today?  Hmmmmm!!??  Oh!  It looks like your bus is here.  We will pick up where we left off next time.  Be ready for another pop quiz first thing in the morning, and you better fucking get an A!! 

Wait!  You forgot your copy of The Urban Field Guide to Carnal Delights!  Oh well, I will give it back to him tomorrow.  He has no choice, he has to get on the school bus.

All right, I have to level with you. This is not a post about boring missionary sex between married pasty white christians as the title might have led you to believe, but rather about the choice of news organizations by conservative America. If you are anything like me, you have spent countless hours pouring over the internet for various porn videos and pictures, sometimes to find compilations of 200 facials in 200 seconds, or maybe a five minute clip of Japanese tentacle porn.

No matter your tastes, we all find one thing refreshing about internet porn. You always find hardcore fucking that is untainted by random videos of cats doing stupid things, or fratboys denying their homosexual tendencies by delivering mutually painful nutshots. When you look for porn, you will ALWAYS find porn. The same thing occurs when a conservative watches FOX News. They don't want an objective story about the growing gap between the rich and the middle-class, or something pointing out hypocritical statements made during a GOP debate. You might accidentally run into some of that stuff if you watch a reputable journalist outlet, but the chances of finding that kind of honest portrayal on FOX is about as likely as regrowing a severed limb.

This is why independents and liberals need to stop crying foul whenever we notice FOX News displaying a blatant bias in their broadcast. This is like getting upset at finding anal fisting videos on Redtube. The people that go to Redtube are not surprised that they find porn there... they COUNT on it! So I could go on about how former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted in 2008 that they sent talking points to FOX News commentators that were designed to give a positive spin to the Bush administration, or about the numerous cases of the channel displaying poorly photoshopped images of liberals with facial features out of proportion to inspire ridicule from their viewers, or the time they used footage of a huge crowd to give the false impression that there was greater turnout for a healthcare protest than the measly 4,000 that actually attended, but it would do no good at all. You will never drive their viewership away with those kinds of journalistic revelations because that is exactly the kind of ignorance-reinforcing drivel that drew the flies to the dungheap in the first place.

And if there is one thing that has been consistent throughout human history for over 300,00 years (or 6,000 years, for the uneducated and superstitious among us), it is that ignorance is bliss. Weighing the pros and cons of both sides of a conflict will always be harder than putting your blinders on and focusing on one side, and facing the failures of the country you love will always be harder than touting the endless virtues of "American exceptionalism". And no place is safer for the ignorant than FOX News, the only place in journalism where you become less informed than those who don't pay ANY attention to news at all ( http://articles.nydailynews.com/2011-11-22/news/30431182_1_fox-news-results-show-viewers )

But I con't begrudge the ignorant their only outlet for ego-massaging, rhetoric-perpetrating propaganda. Because even I can admit that when I have an erection sometimes I just want to look at porn, too. But if you ever needed more evidence that FOX News is indeed an evil organization, look no further than this image of Rupert Murdoch's hands.

Good evening, fellow fiends. I have viewed another completely filthy and disturbing film for your reading pleasure, and this one is quite foul indeed. I watched

A Serbian Film

, the notorious and controversial 2010 flick by first time director Srdan Spasojevic, and it did not disappoint. Do not seek this one out unless you are prepared for sexual torture, rape, pedophilia, necrophilia and murder, because the over the top ending has them in spades.

I was well aware of all the hype surrounding this movie, but I must say that it went farther than even I anticipated. It is best described as being like the Eli Roth

Hostel

series if it were written and directed by The Marquis De Sade, and has been banned in several countries for tow scenes in particular that depict truly disturbing acts. And if you still intend to pursue this film then it is worth mentioning that I will be including spoilers in this review.

The story follows the protagonist Milos, who is a retired porn star who is known for gaining and maintaining a massive erection with very little effort, and is somewhat legendary among male porn stars. He now lives modestly with his wife and young son, but misses the old times and especially the money. One day he is approached by a former female co-star that tells him an unknown artist wants him to star in an unconventional and very secretive film and is willing to pay an obscene amount of money. Milos meets the director and his gang of para-military thugs, and reluctantly agrees to perform on film.

Early on Milos is just required to receive fellatio from a badly beaten woman while video of an underage girl eating a popsicle plays in front of him, and while he is very disturbed, he is assured the woman is just an actress. The next day he is again required to receive fellatio from the same woman, but the young girl is now in the room with him. When he refuses to perform the woman bites his cock and one of the thugs forces him to punch the woman a few times. Oh yes, this all takes place in an abandoned orphanage, as if it weren't creepy enough.

Milos decides to quit, but when he tells the director he is shown a video of an act so horrible that I am not comfortable writing about on this blog. Seriously. It is that fucking bad. If you want to see it go ahead, but you have been warned. At any rate, Milos flees from the director's home but awakens abruptly soon after, and we see he has lost several days of his memory, and is covered in blood.

Milos does some investigation and finds a video record of what has happened to him, where he finds he was unknowingly drugged with a cocktail of substances such as speed, viagra and a strange agricultural-grade aphrodisiac to make him a mindless fucking machine, and he watches himself being unleashed on a woman that is chained to a bed, beating her savagely until his captors hand him a machete, and he proceeds to behead her and frantically fuck her corpse. And if you consider that I am detailing this scene, just imagine how horrible the earlier one is.

Milos also sees that he was raped himself on camera while unconscious, and begins to piece together his memory of what happened over the last few days. He was pressured to have sex with the underage girl from the earlier scenes, but to his credit he held his penis hostage with a filet knife, knowing the director would never want to lose his penis which is the star of the show. After escaping, and still very much affected by the drugs he has been given, he ends up being attacked by a few men on the street when they find him masturbating uncontrollably in an alleyway, but is saved by the director's goons and recaptured.

He is then given further doses of the drugs and let loose on two anonymous bodies, anally raping them like an animal, but when another man joins in the raping he notices that it is his own brother (who has been secretly lusting for Milos' wife), and the two bodies they are raping are his wife and young son, who have both been similarly drugged. Milos and his wife both snap out of their stupor due to the gravity of the situation, and they brutally kill everyone in the room, with Milos literally skull-fucking the lead goon in the eye, killing him.

Once away from the scene Milos, his wife and his child are all so badly scarred by the incident that they have a group hug and accept a fatal suicide gunshot that kills all three. Then the camera pans back and we see that a new director has been recording their deaths, and commands a nearby goon to rape their corpses, starting with "the little one".

So there you have it, folks. A movie that no one will ever see unless they specifically look for it, like I have. I am amazed that anyone was convinced to bankroll the production on this flick, let alone willingly acted in it. This is definitely the most disturbing fictional film I have ever seen, and is a strong favorite for most distasteful film of all time. I fully expect this director to take on the theatrical release of "Three Guys One Hammer" or "The BME Pain Olympics" next time around. I know he would do it justice.

All things considered, this film is well-shot and well-acted, and seems like it enjoyed a healthy budget which is uncharacteristic of foreign shock cinema. I would fully suggest it to any viewer that enjoys having their boundaries tested, and is unwilling to heed my earlier warnings. Enjoy!

When most think of male enhancement they envision overpriced and under-proven pills from infomercials, embarrassing pumps and gadgets, and topical cremes sold in the back of pornographic magazines. But when a true gentleman considers his member he is simply referring to one's nether decorations, just as he wears his monocle and top hat. So tonight we present a brief guide to accessorizing your todger like a respectable man of class.

The simplest option for penile presentation follows the basic tenet of member design, which is "one should treat their penis as one would treat their neck". The obvious choice is between a classy miniature tie with a sophisticated half windsor knot for business occasions, or a neat an level bowtie for social occasions. And before you dismiss the decoration of one's lunch you must consider the following: A true gentleman must always be prepared to present his undercarriage to any unexpected request by a needful lady.

There are some who prefer to add some feminine appeal to their polo mallet, and they may want to try some jewelry. And since the gems will be unseen the majority of the time, try a nice necklace to give her a pleasant surprise. Just remember that although you can do with a small bracelet you don't want to splurge on too much money, as it is in good taste to leave the jewelry in the ward of the lady that has the honor of removing it. Not only will it appeal to her materialistic side, you no doubt will manage future interactions when you return to collect it.

And in the eventuality that you find yourself wooing the fairer sex in a colder clime, one must account for weather if you plan on exposing your little mister to the harsh winds. This is best done by trussing the shaft to keep in the insulating plasma (you should practice it, as a poor trussing is a sign of inexperience), and accent with a miniature stocking cap to ensure proper tip warmth. Any lady would be delighted to find an expertly warmed log for the fire.

But as we all know, some women prefer their men to have an air of danger to them. And they may be left wanting by a gentleman who keeps to the strict code of shaft accessories only, as they are the commonplace decoration she finds after peeling back the cummerbund. Show her that you have a dark side with an edgy alternative piercing. A popular option is to procure a testicular ring, representing not only that you are not fearful of commitment, but you also have a pain threshold befitting a man of the aristocracy. As an added benefit this decoration looks equally at home in a pair of jeans as it does in tuxedo slacks.

So before you attend the next ball or business meeting make sure you are prepared for scrutiny of the highest order. Because if you are anything like me, you want your bottom to be tops!

As you may already suspect, Terlet is a kind-hearted, gentle and polite person with a humor that ranges from silly irreverence to downright filthy. Hamtackle (myself) share in his uncommon taste in funny, but I also am fueled by a sincere curiosity about all things horrible and taboo. My pursuits have led me to witness countless videos of atrocities, torture, mutilation and death, but only in the name of a good time. So I thought that I might perform a service to those like Terlet that have no stomach for the violent filth I have come to love, and begin a segment of film reviews for the rare cinematic gems that truly shed light on the darkest side of the human condition. In short, I watch them so you don't have to.

For my first review I have chosen the infamous 2002 Gaspar Noé film

Irreversible

, starring Monica Bellucci. I believe it is still available on Netflix, but you may want to check out the review before viewing as it has two scenes that rank among the most disturbing in modern cinema, leading Roger Ebert to call it "

so violent and cruel that most people will find it unwatchable

"

The film is shot out of sequence (think "

Memento

") helping build a sense of disorientation and suspense, and begins with a chaotic sequence of scenes that shows a violent confrontation in a gay sex club where a man is beaten to death with a fire extinguisher. The event is displayed in a very graphic style, pulling no punches as the victim's head is literally crushed to oblivion. We are then introduced to the three main protagonists, Alex (Bellucci), her boyfriend Marcus, and her ex, Pierre. The trio experience the most nightmarish evening imaginable when they attend a party together, and Alex becomes upset with her boyfriend when he gets drunk, and leaves the party abruptly. While walking home through an underground tunnel she is attacked and savagely beaten and raped by a cruel pimp.

Once again the viewer is spared no gory detail, with an unbroken shot of the act for what seemed like ten minutes. He overpowers her and delivers such a brutal beating that it is hard to tell if she will survive, and the scene is perfectly cringe-worthy. I can only imagine the shock and disappointment of some poor lonely soul that searches for Monica Bellucci nudie scenes online and stumbles upon this mess, because it is a surefire limpness-inducer unless you are a truly depraved sort (I plead the fifth regarding my feelings on this). The rape is detailed in an unnecessarily long unbroken shot, but grants this film a solid showing in any serial killer's personal collection.

From there the two men who love her go on a mission of vengeance, employing shady criminals to track down their target in the aforementioned gay sex club, where a frantic Marcus attacks the pimp with reckless abandon only to be overpowered, but later saved by Pierre, who ends up delivering the killing blow. His aggression is so unrestrained that we are left with the impression that he is still very much in love with Alex.

If there can be any criticism of the format it is that the climax is delivered like a gut punch right away, and we work backwards to find out exactly why the headless gentleman was treated with such disregard, which leaves us with a somewhat slow progression to the ending which allows the trio of main characters to fade into a simpler and more innocent time before the horror. And some may take exception to the shaky and disorienting camerawork, which overdoes the jittering wobble particularly early on, but is clearly an artistic choice by the director. Oh yes, and if you are a fucking moron that can't watch movies with subtitles, it is worth noting that this is a foreign film.

Overall I would say this flick does well with the two most infamous scenes, and I respect the director's decision to include a level of detail that makes it inaccessible to any but the most hardened viewers, but it feels a little lopsided since the vast majority of the plotline is filled with much less violent, non-rapey sort of fare. The message of

Irreversible

to the viewer is one of the fragility of our pleasant lives, and how quickly they can intersect with the ever-present dregs of humanity, and how so often we let them drag us into the depths with them.

So if you are the sort that is only interested in the disturbing bits, you will probably have your finger on the fast forward button most of the time, and will ultimately be disappointed in the end. But if you are interested in a dramatic story of vengeance that unfolds in a unique way and aren't entirely turned off by the occasional involuntary anal sex scene with one half of the participants sobbing profusely, then give this one a shot. The rest of you should avoid it altogether.

I already have a doozy of a film lined up for my next review, but you are going to have to wait until next week. Until then... happy viewing, degenerates!

I discovered some strange photos I would like to share. Who the fuck took them? Why in god's name would they do it? And most importantly... why am I collecting them? All questions that we may never have answers for.

Wow, this is a real dandy. Usually a ventriloquist is supposed to entertain children, not lure them into a windowless van to never be seen again. This guy must have been quite a hit at birthday parties.

Here is a peek into your personal nightmare! An emaciated nude man with a severed pig's head is truly a sight to behold. Not sure what dungeon this is in, or if he is erect behind that trophy, but at least he looks happy.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be art, but it certainly is creepy. It wasn't weird enough to have a pudgy man dressed as goat-boy, he had to be an ARMLESS pudgy man. Truly inspired.

Awesome, more "art"! This artist is clearly conflicted between the natural form and some gaudy ridiculous modern bullshit. Personally I like the gaudy bullshit element better. This looks like something that would be hanging in Saddam Hussein's house circa 1988, right next to an awful velvet self-portrait.

And here we have the kicker. Unfortunately it's exactly what you thought it was. The preserved severed heads of identical twins that have been positioned into a passionate posthumous kiss. I have no clue about the story behind this, but if I had to wager a guess I would say that Dr. Joseph Mengele was involved.

I know you are excited for more disturbing pics (and I assure you I have more) but one must be patient. I am not about to throw away all my bullshit last-minute post material in just one wad.

Your Yearbook Photo

Hi, it's me, your middle school yearbook photo.  Do you like our little mullet?  Fuck yeah!  The early nineties were chock full of awesome mini-mullets.

Wasn't middle school fucking awesome?  Remember when we touched dick tips with Tony Chimmers?  What do you mean that didn't happen??  Of course it did!  I remember it like it was yesterday.  For me it pretty much was yesterday.  You shouldn't feel weird about it.  Touching dick tips isn't gay, it's just like an Eskimo rubbing noses.  It's like a middle school boy greeting.

It was when we offered to put Tony's bits and berries in our mouth, now that was a bit gay.  Now don't feel bad, there is nothing wrong with being gay.  I'm still a little confused, but I am stoked that one day we will figure it out and be full blown flaming.  I assume that now that we are an adult that we are completely out of the closet??

What do you mean we're not gay?  How old are we now?  32, 33 years old?  I totally saw us being a balls to the wall man on man-whore by that age.  What do you mean we're married to a woman??  How weird is that?  Is she secretly tucking back a dick?  No?!  A real woman?!

I don't see how we could ever be attracted to a woman.  Did we end up attending one of those "Pray the Gay Away" camps?  Did we have a bad gang bang experience with the football team when we were in college?  This is just weird.  

Come on, we can't be straight.  Remember that time we got that He-Man figure stuck up our ass and we were too terrified and embarrassed to seek medical help.  We had that thing stuck up there for almost two weeks before we were able to break the arms off it and force it out of our ass.  Do you remember that!?  We looked like a complete idiot trying to run in gym class with "Man-At-Arms" secretly crammed in our sphincter. HA HA!!

Well, it must be fun being an adult and living a lie.  What else about us did you destroy in our journey to adulthood?  Are we still eating every booger we pick out of our nose?  They are so salty and delicious.  No?  Are Pogs still super popular??  Our Pog collection must be worth so much money by now.  No??!  So what do we do for a living?  We work in an office?!!  What the fuck!?  We always dreamed of being the first post-op transsexual astronaut.  You failed at our life dude!!

Everyone I know is super excited about celebrating 420 today, but I am always very conflicted this time of year. This is the only counter-culture holiday I can think of that is socially acceptable and I fail to understand why it is not shunned as indecent and wrong in our progressive modern society.

Sure it may seem like a small, harmless movement at first. The pro-420 crowd is initially meeting in basements of like-minded people, but the movement grows. Soon you have thousands of people that are emboldened by their numbers, to the point that they start meeting in public. And when they gain a little power they cross the line and the invasion begins. And if we aren't careful then we will see what happened to Europe when they gave in to the 420'ers occur right here in our own back yard.

Luckily our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents were able to fight off the menace back in their day, but who knows? Maybe this new movement will gain steam and roll through our political system, replacing elected officials to do their bidding. I can see their influence even in my own workplace. We have dozens of time-off requests submitted for "doctor" or "dentist" appointments, and suddenly people have family emergencies that conveniently require them to take the day off. And I for one am not going to stand for it.

Perhaps it is just because no one from my generation has taken the initiative to educate themselves about the hazards of this holiday. Maybe they are too busy playing video games and wasting away on the couch to see the destruction their agenda has had on the world throughout history. And as long as they all gather this time of year to complain about society, the government, and decry their own oppression, we are all at risk. Soon they will explain that maybe their philosophy is too important to wait for the country to evolve it's understanding to match their own, and maybe they need to gain influence through force.

And doesn't it seem irresponsible to celebrate something that is responsible for destroying literally millions of lives? Not to mention the harsh visual of columns of smoke rising from the unwashed masses, all frantically searching for some scrap morsel of food and looking like sad hordes of zombies. This "holiday" is a shameful reminder of exactly how much ground we have given to the unquiet minority that is trying to push their social agenda on the rest of the world, silencing dissidents and oppressing all that refuse to give in to them.

So the next time someone shouts "Happy 420!" to you from the window of their car, just give them the finger. Because no matter how many of your friends partake, it is NEVER ok to celebrate Hitler's birthday.