Greetings, fellow teabaggers. Willard "Teabag" Chinsley here with another dispatch from the sane side of political discourse. So much has happened since the last issue, and I have but a few paragraphs to explain it all. Well we start by saying goodbye to Rick Santorum and reluctantly throw our support behind *ahem*... Mitt Romney, take a look at the so called "war on women", and defend a friend of the teabaggers, Ted Nugent.

It was a disappointing day this past April 10th as we all had to say our sad goodbyes to teabagger favorite Rick Santorum. It seems Rick decided to dig that rusty hanger deep into the fertile womb of his candidacy and serve up a bloody abortion, much to the dismay of the REAL white, racist, homophobic, conservative, christian electorate. And while we are all upset that Rick didn't make the best of a bad situation and carry this campaign to term, we all understand that he needed to look out for the interests of his awkwardly large family. And with the most interesting thing to come out of the Gingrich campaign in the last couple of months being his announcement that he was recently bitten by a penguin, Bible Belt Babble is prepared to finally announce our support for Mitt Rom-not-one-of-us... Mitt Rom-mormon... let's try again... Mitt Romney (that hurts a little). So when you head off to the ballot box this November remember: he may have no personality, his political position may change depending which room he is in at the time, he may wear magic underwear, but at least he's not black. VOTE ROMNEY IN 2012!!!

The GOP has been getting a lot of grief over this "war on women" that is being manufactured by the liberal media in this country. But let's set the record straight on this one. The media claims this war is represented by purposed legislation in republican states to mandate invasive penetration ultrasounds before allowing babies to be slaughtered, calling prostitutes whores for using birth control, and destroying laws that demand women receive equal pay for unequal work. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Conservatives are not waging war on women. We are waging war on DISOBEDIENT women. God says that women are playthings for men, and their only other purpose is to birth a future generation of genetically superior of penis-bearing world leaders. And I think we can all agree that if the liberals disagree with God, then they don't even deserve to live in this country.

True to fashion, the anti-american democrats have taken aim at another true patriot, Ted "the motor city madman" Nugent. And what is the source of their misguided rage? A totally harmless comment about possibly making an attempt at assassinating Obama should he be re-elected to a second term of office. What's next? Are they going to attack him for becoming the legal guardian of a 17 year old girl for the purposes of making her his sex slave back in 1978? Or for shitting himself for thirty days straight and reporting to his draft review without bathing or chiseling the shit off his ass to appear insane so he didn't have to serve?  Come on America, if this country is a land where a borderline pedophile, gun-toting, musically-irrelevant, draft-dodging, deadbeat father of 8 can't threaten the life of our president, then I don't want to live here anymore.

Life is a fragile thing and it is at it's most vulnerable in infancy, and it is incredibly important for every parent to know some basic medical principles to ensure the well being of their children. While the above image is quite helpful to diagnose infant death in most scenarios, it does not always apply. Today we will review a few quick images to demonstrate a broader understanding of signs of life in babies.

Let's start with an easy one. Notice that this child appears alert, sits upright, and has it's eyes wide open. Clearly this is an alive baby, and there is no need to poke it or pick it up to verify. Just leave it alone, since it appears you have managed not to smother the life out of it yet. Now we can see if these simple details always indicate a live baby...

Here we have another baby. It has open eyes, it's arms don't appear to be dangling lifelessly at it's sides, and while it is not sitting up, it's head is not limply slumped over. But surprise! This is definitely a dead baby. Let's review the evidence. Although this is a black and white photo we can see that this baby has a pale complexion, it's eyes stare blankly forward, and a trained observer can tell this baby was propped up against a pillow to give it a more lifelike appearance. This baby needs to be disposed of quickly before it's rotting stench attracts scavengers.

Now we can review this image, for instance. The child lies motionless with no visible signs of breathing. Is it dead? Notice the lush complexion and open mouth. If possible, touch the skin and note the warmth. Good guess! This baby is sleeping, and very much still alive, and you didn't even have to wake it up to verify! It is best to identify signs of life without touching as babies are disgusting, and can become quite volatile if awakened abruptly.

Much like the image above, this baby is laying with closed eyes, but grasps it's favorite toys in it's little hands. There appears to be no signs of breathing, however, and seems cool to the touch. Is it dead? It may shock you to learn that yes, this baby is deceased. The clever photographer has skillfully placed the toys in this child's hands to hide it's otherwise obvious death. Now go wash your hands... you've been touching dead babies.

As you can see, it is not always easy to identify a dead baby, and touching it should be your last resort. Luckily we can employ some basic tactics that have been popularized by morning cartoons to help us distinguish the live and kicking littles ones from the filthy, landfill-bound dead ones. Just take a simple stick (one that can be easily disposed of) and give a slight prod to the baby. Babies are very sensitive creatures, and if they do not immediately begin crying then, well... you have yourself a dead baby.

But look at the bright side, you are going to save yourself thousands of dollars raising it. And if you decide to have another one you get to enjoy the best part of childbirth: The sex! And consider yourself lucky. Any parent would jump at the chance to change a few things here and there about raising their children. For instance, I would suggest NOT lining the crib with plastic bags for easy cleanup. Just make sure you dispose of the corpse discreetly, as the police may take action against you if they catch wind of the situation. And finally, we have a protip for prospective parents: Don't name the thing until it reaches 16 months of age. This will not only help you select a meaningful name for the baby, but will also lessen the stress should you accidentally drop it down some stairs while drunk, or something. Happy parenting!

Every once in a while, Hamtackle posts something utterly gruesome.  Some hideous bodily injury or humans performing despicable acts to other humans.  While the accompanying text is always hilarious, it can be off-putting to some of our softer, gentler readers.  Now I wouldn't say that Hamtackle is a Gore Perv.  It's not like he can't orgasm without crushing a kitten or anything.  He just has a general, student like interest in the worst of mankind.

Personally, I am not a a fan of the gore, while I would never ask Hamtackle to censor himself, I feel it is my duty to offer a Palate Cleanser.  The following pictures are the top 10 Google image searches for the word "Adorable".  They should all be pleasant and soothing.  So stop thinking about that picture of the finger stripped of its skin, stop thinking about the burn wounds and deep knife cuts.  It's time for your Palate Cleanser.

#10 on the adorable countdown is a newborn Panda Bear.  It kinda looks like a preemie Muppet.  I guess you could say it is adorable.  I wouldn't say that, but I guess you could say that.

#9 is a Corgi puppy.  No arguments there.  Corgis are definitely adorable.  Especially Corgi puppies.

#8 is another Panda Bear.  At least this one actually fits the description of Adorable.  Poor little thing doesn't know it's extinct yet.  Awwwwwww.  Wittle Schnookums.

#7 ...... Well look at that..... An adorable kitten made even more adorable with the addition of fairy wings.  There could be swarms of these things devouring humans by the thousands and people would still want to own one.  That is the power of Adorable!

 #6  HA HA!!  A bubbly, sudsy Hedgehog!  What could be more adorable?  The best part is that he must be enjoying his bath.  If he wasn't, those spikes would be out, but he is just kicking back enjoying his sink bathtub.  Such a happy Hedgehog!

 #5  is a run of the mill, Internet poster.  It's not even an adorably misspelled  LOLCAT poster.  I will admit that it is cute, but not worthy of the #5 spot on our countdown.

#4 is a couple of ferrets laying together in a pattern of a heart.  It is accompanied by some generic text.  Blah Blah Blah, Ferrets smell bad.  C'mon Google!  What the fuck!?

 #3  Now we are back on track!  An adorable kitten.  Not the most adorable kitten I've seen, but anything is better than a couple of sneaking, stealing, conniving, bastard ferrets.

#2 I'm not really sure why this is the #2 Google result for the word "Adorable".  It is anything but Adorable.  A young girl, who is more than likely bullied because of her weight, is caught trying to use her girth to her advantage by entertaining her "friends".  She has a cookie on each shoulder and is desperately sloshing her head from side to side, in a self effacing attempt at cookie consumption.  All the neighborhood kids laugh at Deborah (pronounced "Dee BORE uh"), but if they are laughing they aren't taunting. This is far more depressing than adorable.  I feel terrible for this poor, ridiculed, obese girl.

#1 PUPPIES!!!  OOOOOHHHH  Look at them prance!!  She is leaving the ground entirely in her happy dance!  Good Job Google!  That is some motherfucking Adorable!

There I was, just waiting to board the plane and head out to my twentieth highschool reunion. I hadn't flown in years, and was expecting to be hassled by security since it has been heightened following 911, and wanted to minimize any delays by getting any metal out of my pockets, take off my shoes, etc... I saw the guy in front of me take off his wedding finger and I started to worry. I hadn't EVER removed my wedding ring, and I know I had put on more than a few pounds since I was married. I gave it a solid tug and... it wouldn't budge. So I put my finger in my mouth to provide some lubrication and then pulled REAL hard and... AAAARRGHH!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! My ring tore the skin at the base of my finger RIGHT OFF! Dear God, what fresh hell is this!? Wait... THE RING IS STILL ON!! It's tucked under the skin... IT'S TUCKED UNDER THE SKIN!! Oh my God... I can't even LOOK at it... AARGH!!!! -

Stan Burly, Atlanta GA

I live with my husband and our two great dane dogs. We call them our children. My husband is usually the one that takes them for a walk since his 230lb frame can handle them so much better, but he was on a business trip and well, the dogs can't go without walking unless I want my house destroyed, so I took them out alone. I really didn't want to let them loose, since they are so energetic and might hurt themselves or something, and the sight of these two giant dogs makes people a little jumpy. So I had their leashes wrapped around my hand while we walked when suddenly they spotted a squirrel. I was pulled right off my feet and the leash was yanked free and... AAAAAAGGHH!! WHAT THE FUCK?! My finger was practically TORN OFF!! Oh God I can see the bone... It's like someone tore the drumstick off a FUCKING CHICKEN!! Why me?? WHY MEEE?!?! -

Carolyn Peters, Kenneshaw WI

I work in a huge retail warehouse, and we are constantly moving boxes around, day after day, totally boring shit. Every once in a while somebody needs help opening a shipment and we all help each other out, even if we are on break or something. Well Gary is a real good guy, and I could see he was struggling with a bunch of swingset boxes while I was downing a cup of coffee, so I decided I would give him a hand. I guess I didn't put safety first and go back to my station to grab my gloves before going at it with a box cutter, and before I knew it... FUCK!! God Dammit, Gary, look at this shit!! I carved my finger ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE FINGERNAIL!! It burns... FUCK IT BURNS!! Oh man, my boss is gonna be PISSED! He always bitches at me for not wearing my gloves and now LOOK AT THIS SHIT!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK..... -

Alan Parson, Cleveland OH

I am a janitor at a local school, and I consider myself a pretty handy guy, fixing things here and there. Well last winter we had a problem with the boiler system in the basement shortly before Christmas break, and it is a real pain in the ass to find a qualified maintenance guy that time of year, so I figured I would save the day and keep the pipes from freezing over the break. I never really went down there before, and I was lugging a toolbox through the maze of pipes and valves when I put my hand down for balance and... FUCK! Instant searing pain through my fingers and a burst of steam fogging up my glasses! HOLY SHIT LOOK AT MY FINGERS! They melted... THEY FUCKING MELTED!! I never had pain like this in my life... FUCKING HELL! Oh my God... Oh my God... -

Barry Williams, Pittsburgh PA

I was online looking for family owned and operated unlicensed massage parlors and came across several questionable ads. I'm not sure what kind of person would be dumb enough to respond to them, but they sure are hilarious!

Experienced Babysitter Available

Can take care of any children, but prefer boys age 5-12 y/o. No available references, but 25 years solid experience and around-the-clock availability for just $3/hr. Great with kids and totally STD free (recently tested). Call Owen at 555-2648

Lost dogs: All Types

I own many dogs and all are lost. If you find dog that are healthy and good condition is probably mine. Bring dogs to Kogi King BBQ Palace on 4th Ave, ask for chef Pei.

Female Subjects Needed

For sleeping medication testing in a non-clinical setting. Will pay $200 per person to test homemade meds in soaked rag format. Fatties need not apply, and remember to bring your jammies! Call "Bill" at 555-0915

Found: One Winning Lottery Ticket

Owner sought for 2.4 mil jackpot winning ticket found on the street. To claim come alone to the abandoned shack on 3rd and Sherry St at 2am sharp on April 26. Repeat, must be ALONE to claim.

Caregiver Wanted

I recently (and unexpectedly) received custody of twin four year old boys. They both have down syndrome and I just need someone to look after them for like, three hours or so. Will pay $300 cash to anyone willing to babysit them in their own home. For reasons I prefer not to discuss I cannot give my identity or contact info, but I will totally be right back to pick them up. Reply by email to reluctantdad@grnseed.com with your address so I can drop them off.

We at Popular Irony, being men of science, are strong believers in astrology and it's powers over the everyday occurences of all of us.  But there has been some ignorant criticism over the cookie-cutter approach to astrological predictions that claim it is too general to bear any significance for such a wide demographic of earth's population.  So we have decided to initiate a new system with greater focus designed to give more specific insight into smaller populations.  So today we begin with our astrological fortunes for only those that share an occupation:  Prostitutes.  So for any that perform non-sexually-exploitative occupations please disregard the below predictions, but for those of us that sell our bodies please enjoy our Whore-O-Scope.

(Dec 22 - Jan 20)

Clean out your bellybutton. The scientific community is unclear on whether or not you can get pregnant that way.  Plus it is filthy and smells awful.

(Jan 21 - Feb 18)

You will receive a proposition from a rich man that mirrors the film "Pretty Woman"... if Richard Gere was an obese, wheelchair-bound sadist.

(Feb 19 - Mar 20)

You will be faced with an exciting new career opportunity. Shortly thereafter any inclination to change occupations will be beaten out of you by Big T.

(Mar 21 - Apr 19)

You will save $500 through a fortunate drunken trip in the stairwell. Congratulations on your fourth abortion. Your lucky number is 4.

(Apr 20 - May 20)

An interesting skin condition will soon cause your market value to skyrocket within the fetishist community.

(May 21 - Jun 20)

Avoid eating shellfish after handling fecal matter this week. Despite the lack of negative consequence in previous experience you will not regret this precaution.

(June 21 - Jul 22)

Your reputation for squeamishness will deny you a new business opportunity. Train by watching crushing porn to avoid future loss of work.

(Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Your recent training in self defense will pay dividends in an upcoming bachelor party. Stiletto heels will equate to a significant combative advantage.

(Aug 23 - Sep 22)

A decision to learn magic tricks will greatly broaden your client base to include the pre-teen demographic.  Offering lollipops upon completion will ensure repeat business.

(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

The prolonged economic recession will inspire you to offer bareback rates. An online medical image search will allow you to minimize exposure to occupational hazards.

(Oct 23 - Nov 21)

The coma resulting from an upcoming wage dispute will have unintended positive consequences when you find you have overcome a cocaine addiction.

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

You will be treated to an impromptu family reunion after a chance encounter with an undercover police officer leads to swift incarceration.

Easter is over and Mr. Bunny is bored and sad.  It's one whole year until the next Easter.  What is Mr. Bunny supposed to do?  Boo Hoo!

 Well what's this!?  It's Party Time Moose in town for a visit!  Oh Boy!

Hello there furry friend.  What shall we do for fun?

 I know!  Suck it!  Yeah..... mmmmmmm  He's been a bad bunny so use your Moose teeth!

You fucking whore Party Time Moose.  Take it!  Take all of it!  You back up that shit up any harder Moose and you are gonna crack a pelvis!

 It's only fair that if you get to rock on top of Moose, Moose gets to rock on top of you!  It's amazing how well those bunny bits fit inside that moose hole.

Oh dear!  Just look at Party Time Moose.  It looks like he gets to hide Easter eggs twice this year!  But don't worry kids, Mr. Bunny can get them out without breaking them.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.... Sweet release.  Party Time Moose is going to be washing Easter basket grass out of his fur for days.  What a mess!!

And the stuffed animals were incinerated soon after so no child could inadvertently play with them in the future.

The End

Oh, yeah it's my favorite time of the year!  Fuck Christmas, I love fucking Easter time!  This holiday has all the candy of Halloween without having to dress up or go to strangers houses, and all the excitement of Christmas but when you go to church you get to see a dude get tortured and killed, not some stupid baby!  And my mom gives me and my brother each a kinder egg...  and I fucking LOVE kinder eggs!

I couldn't wait until tomorrow morning to open mine so I went into the closet while my mom was in the shower and stole them.  I can't wait to see what's inside!

Yummy... look at the chocolaty goodness... 

YES!  This one is completely intact!  I hate it when your egg is all smashed up.  It takes all the fun out of it.  I had better get something cool, or the Easter bunny is getting kicked in the balls when we go to the mall next year...

It came apart perfectly...  But before I stuff that fucker in my mouth I'm checking out the prize.  Last year I got a little monkey with a cape on that you can shoot around the house with a rubber band.  IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!

WHAT?  WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?  A PUZZLE?  Does the Easter bunny think I am SOME KIND OF FUCKING KID OR SOMETHING?  Okay... Calm down...  Maybe the puzzle is a kickass picture of Jesus getting pounded with a hammer or something...

GOD DAMN IT!  What is with all these weak-ass animals?  Fuck you, kinder egg.  FUCK YOU!  Well I'm not standing for this shit.  I am going back in my mom's closet to steal my brother's egg.  I'll just say that the dog ate them...  But chocolate is poisonous to dogs, right?  The prize in that egg better be worth it if I'm gonna kill the dog over this...

What is this?  Is it a parachute army man?  I sure hope it's a parachute army man...  Billy down the street got one last year and it was FUCKING AWESOME!

What the fuck is it?  This isn't an army man, just some piece of shit little toy glider...  FUCK!  I am going to be in such a SHITTY mood tomorrow that EVERYONE is going to pay!  I am gonna bitch and moan all the way through Easter dinner and make the day FUCKING MISERABLE for everyone!!!  If they ask why I'll just say it was because the dog ate my kinder egg.  At least I get to eat all this delicious chocolate.  Oh yeah...  I need to go kill the dog...

Welcome to another installment of The Historical Revisionist Society of America, where our aims are to reaffirm the moral and intellectual superiority of the United States of America through the reinterpretation of so called "factual" accounts of shameful moments in US history. Tonight we set the record straight on slanderous accusations of racism in the historical southern US states by tackling the Three-Fifths Compromise.

Firstly, in order to have an unbiased understanding of the historic compromise one must purge their mind of the propaganda that has been indoctrinating our children in public and private schools across America. As your lying history teacher no doubt told you, the Three-Fifths Compromise was a shameless attempt by the southern states to claim their "slaves" as legal residents for the purposes of proportionate representation in the federal government by a ratio of 3/5 for each slave vs 1 white resident. This tale has been told by the academic community for countless years and has been used to undermine the long history of civil rights progressivism that is the true legacy of the American south.

This lie is a perfect demonstration of exactly why one cannot understate the importance of The Historical Revisionist Society of America, who have sworn to combat this and other examples of sheer ignorance that have perpetrated disdain for the true American superiority worldwide. The truth about the Three-Fifths Compromise is a much more endearing and patriotic story.

It is true that millions of black African workers had travelled to the United States as part of a labor treaty that had been cleverly negotiated by none other than noted human rights activist Thomas Jefferson (whose then-controversial marriage to his soulmate Sally Hemmings later helped bridge the cultural divide between their perspective ethnicities when she became America's first black first lady after Jefferson was elected the third President of the United States). But there was little regulation on the working conditions of the day, and the clerical jobs that were commonly staffed by African workers had little benefits or opportunity for upward mobility, and wages were sadly lacking due to economic conditions. But Jefferson and others within the burgeoning American government were not about to allow these injustices to continue unabated.

Civil Rights Activists At Work

While our founding fathers were first arguing the Articles of Confederation, which was an early effort to establish a constitution for the newly liberated colonies, Jefferson personally took the floor at the continental congress to give an impassioned speech that explained that our young country "could not be forged in the environment of division and inequity", and called for a "redistribution of the wealth of southern business owners to the greater African-American community by a ratio of three-fifths". That's right. Thomas Jefferson successfully argued for the fair and ethical treatment of the African workers by way of taxation of the wealthy for the betterment of what he called "our great African guests, of whom we are so appreciative". The measure went a great way toward making the Africans viable business and land owners, and today is considered a great success.

Early African-American Businessman

Thomas Jefferson has received little praise for his great efforts to integrate the black populace into American society, but was so well received that when the labor contracts with the African workers had expired many refused their employer's offers to return them to their homeland and instead opted to remain in their new home among the citizens that had warmly welcomed them with open arms. And to this day, the legacy of the great compromise as the foundational framework of America's long-standing culture of human equality holds strong. So the next time some brow-beating liberal know-it-all professor starts to harp on about America's dark past of slavery and hate, just remind them about the Three-Fifths Compromise.

These days, it is impossible to teach young adults anything.  They won't listen to shit.  All they can think about is pussy, boners and celebrities.  This country is closing in on it's last laps around the toilet bowl of history.  The only way we can save it is through building up our citizens through education.  But how do you make learning interesting and fun to this new generation of cell phone slinging retards?  Being a creative genius, I have devised a masterful, new teaching method.  Learnin' Porn!

What's Learnin' Porn you ask?  Most teenagers will only retain knowledge of the things that interest them most.  Odds are, the majority of young men in the USA know far more about Kim Kardashian than Ronald Reagan.  What is the difference between the two?  That's right!  Kim Kardishian is nothing but an expensive porn actress.  I bet if there was a sex tape with Ronald Reagan getting last place in a game of "Ookie Cookie" the kids today would know his entire biography.

That's where Learnin' Porn comes in.  We combine something young people like with something they should learn.  Porn and history.  You won't be able to stop a teenage boy from studying if every lesson was masturbation fodder.  No student could forget the year The Battle of Little Big Horn took place if 1876 were splashed onto a pair of greasy tits with Custer's Jizz.

Just take a look at Marie Curie.  MMMMMM  What virile young man would turn that down?  "Who is she?"  they wonder as they flip through the sticky pages of their history textbooks.  Just think, pictures of Eleanor Roosevelt hanging on college dorm walls instead of instead of Sasha Grey.  That is the beauty and magic of Learnin' Porn.

Marie Curie in "Danger! RADIO(sexually)ACTIVE"

But we can't forget our gay and adventurous youth.  Learnin' Porn will cover all the bases.  Any type of porn for any period of history.  Learnin' Porn doesn't discriminate.  A student's interest will be peaked when he see's how hungry Stalin is for cock, then they'll learn he was also hungry for power".  

Joseph Stalin in "SOVIET civil UNION"

 Learnin' Porn!  COMING SOON to a fine educational facility near you!