Another Enemy Bested

Today we at the Patriotic Historical Revisionist Society of America recognize Memorial day, a worldwide celebration of American courage and pride in our many successful efforts during wartime, and to remind us of the sacrifice made by the finest soldiers the world has ever had the pleasure of hosting. America has long taken the international community as our subordinates and proudly bore arms to protect them against the evil forces that would do them harm, often at the cost of life, indeed the most valuable type of life: American life. So to pay our tribute to the fallen we present to our dear readership the often forgotten tale of the role of America in the death of Joseph Stalin.

Many are now aware of the once unknown story of how American forces infiltrated Paris during the Nazi occupation and completed a bold assassination plot against Adolf Hitler, as was so beautifully recounted in the documentary film

Inglorious Basterds

by Quentin Tarantino, but few know the story of the final days of the brutal dictator Joseph Stalin. For those unfamiliar with world history, Stalin was an atheist, communist dictator of the Soviet Union during the second World War. While he held a non-aggression pact with Hitler's Germany in 1939, Hitler broke their agreement when he boldly initiated an invasion of Soviet territories with Operation Barbossa on June 22, 1941. The move proved to be foolish as German Wehrmacht forces were defeated for the first time after coming within 20 miles of the Kremlin in Moscow, and resources were badly depleted for the German army in the costliest engagement of WWII in terms of loss of human life.

Joseph Stalin was a brutal dictator, and was responsible for between 3 and 60 million deaths during his rule, not to mention the rape of hundreds of thousands of German women after the Soviets took Berlin at the end of the war. In post war negotiations Stalin quickly became at odds with western forces as he tried in vain to assert Soviet influence to gain territories beyond the Western Poland that was gained through agreements with Hitler. Once Stalin had begun supporting North Korean aggression in the Korean War, it was clear that his terrible reign must end.

President Truman took office in January of 1953, and worked closely with exiting President Roosevelt to complete Operation Christian Crusader that was well underway in FDR's administration. The focus was to send a common schoolchild into the belly of the Soviet beast to assassinate Joseph Stalin who had outlived his usefulness to become a nuisance to the West. The brave boy selected was Billy Nelnick, aged 12, a student at St. Jude's Catholic School in Charleston, South Carolina. He was immediately drafted as a special operative in the United States Army and granted the lowly rank of Private on January 5th, 1953.

After only a month and a half of training the young boy was sent to infiltrate the Iron Curtain and make a bold play for the death of Stalin himself. After gaining access to Stalin's Kuntsevo residence just west of Moscow, the boy was able to apply a fatal amount of the rat poison warfarin to Stalin's personal bedside tobacco pipe. Upon returning to his home on the evening of March 1, 1953, Stalin ingested the poison and was found on the floor of his bedroom the following day, diagnosed with a cerebral hemorrhage (an effect of the poison), of which he died four days later.

Upon his heroic escape Private Nelnick was immediately promoted to the rank of Sergeant, and was able to advance his way to the prestigious rank of Four Star General before being tragically taken down by a sniper's bullet in Cambodia while undertaking Operation Linebacker during the Vietnam war in 1972. He died while engaged in frontline combat, despite military objections that he was far too valuable personnel to be entrenched in ground conflicts. His courageous actions were proof to the entire world that a seemingly harmless American child was indeed possessed with greater valor and cunning than the entire Soviet Union, and had the effect of creating an international environment of American admiration that lasts to this day.

So let his sacrifice be an example, indeed one of many, of the American exceptionalism that has become the international hallmark our great country is now known by. And let us never forget that the prosperity of the western world owes it's debt to our grandeur.

Welcome to another installment of The Historical Revisionist Society of America, where our aims are to reaffirm the moral and intellectual superiority of the United States of America through the reinterpretation of so called "factual" accounts of shameful moments in US history. Tonight we set the record straight on slanderous accusations of racism in the historical southern US states by tackling the Three-Fifths Compromise.

Firstly, in order to have an unbiased understanding of the historic compromise one must purge their mind of the propaganda that has been indoctrinating our children in public and private schools across America. As your lying history teacher no doubt told you, the Three-Fifths Compromise was a shameless attempt by the southern states to claim their "slaves" as legal residents for the purposes of proportionate representation in the federal government by a ratio of 3/5 for each slave vs 1 white resident. This tale has been told by the academic community for countless years and has been used to undermine the long history of civil rights progressivism that is the true legacy of the American south.

This lie is a perfect demonstration of exactly why one cannot understate the importance of The Historical Revisionist Society of America, who have sworn to combat this and other examples of sheer ignorance that have perpetrated disdain for the true American superiority worldwide. The truth about the Three-Fifths Compromise is a much more endearing and patriotic story.

It is true that millions of black African workers had travelled to the United States as part of a labor treaty that had been cleverly negotiated by none other than noted human rights activist Thomas Jefferson (whose then-controversial marriage to his soulmate Sally Hemmings later helped bridge the cultural divide between their perspective ethnicities when she became America's first black first lady after Jefferson was elected the third President of the United States). But there was little regulation on the working conditions of the day, and the clerical jobs that were commonly staffed by African workers had little benefits or opportunity for upward mobility, and wages were sadly lacking due to economic conditions. But Jefferson and others within the burgeoning American government were not about to allow these injustices to continue unabated.

Civil Rights Activists At Work

While our founding fathers were first arguing the Articles of Confederation, which was an early effort to establish a constitution for the newly liberated colonies, Jefferson personally took the floor at the continental congress to give an impassioned speech that explained that our young country "could not be forged in the environment of division and inequity", and called for a "redistribution of the wealth of southern business owners to the greater African-American community by a ratio of three-fifths". That's right. Thomas Jefferson successfully argued for the fair and ethical treatment of the African workers by way of taxation of the wealthy for the betterment of what he called "our great African guests, of whom we are so appreciative". The measure went a great way toward making the Africans viable business and land owners, and today is considered a great success.

Early African-American Businessman

Thomas Jefferson has received little praise for his great efforts to integrate the black populace into American society, but was so well received that when the labor contracts with the African workers had expired many refused their employer's offers to return them to their homeland and instead opted to remain in their new home among the citizens that had warmly welcomed them with open arms. And to this day, the legacy of the great compromise as the foundational framework of America's long-standing culture of human equality holds strong. So the next time some brow-beating liberal know-it-all professor starts to harp on about America's dark past of slavery and hate, just remind them about the Three-Fifths Compromise.