The Janitor

Hi, welcome to marvelous planet Gallifrey!  Home of the Time Lords.  I see that you have heard of us.  We are kinda a big deal in the universe.  I'm sure you've heard of The Doctor and his evil opponent The Master?  Of course you have... Who in the universe hasn't?  They are both Time Lords, just like me.

Who am I?  Uhh ... huh huh... that's not important, I'm a Time Lord!  One of the Motherfucking masters of Time and Space!  Yeah that's right!  .....   No really, it's not important..... Fine!  I'm called The Janitor.     Don't fucking laugh at me!!  Everybody laughs at me!  I'm not even a Janitor, I'm a fucking cab driver, it's just what I'm called.... The Doctor isn't actually a doctor, you know.....

Please stop laughing...  This is fucking awkward.  Well welcome to Gallifrey now please fuck off, Get out of my cab!        .....       Oh sure, now you apologize.    Well fine, apology accepted.  Now where can I take you?  The Citadel of the Time Lords?  The Tomb of Rassilon?  Wait,  don't tell me.. The Time Vortex?    HA!  I knew it, the first thing almost all tourists do is go to the Time Vortex.  I would not recommend staring that thing though, that shit will fuck your day.  My cousin, The Optometrist, stared into it for like an hour once, he passed out and crapped his pants.  He has not been the same since, with all the drooling and the poop eating......

What about me??  Well I grew up on Gallifrey of course.  I've had quite a few of my own regenerations.  Whats a Regeneration? You know, when a Time Lord dies, we can regenerate into a new body.  We don't really know what we are going to get but it works out well for most people.... most people.

My first!?  Ha, well, when I was born I was quite the runt, well at least my head was.  I was bullied a lot, people would call me nasty things like, Tiny Head and and... Small Head. It was awful.  What did I do for a living?  Well I was a cab driver of course..... What else would I do.  Look, here is a picture of me in front of the Citadel of the Time Lords, in my birth body.  I take a picture there with every regeneration.  It's quite beautiful....  Yes, I know.. I just told you I had a tiny head!

Birth Body

After that?  Well, in my first body I ate some bad Sontaran oysters and died of organ failure.  When I regenerated I think my body tried to compensate for my tiny head.  My next form had a huge fucking noggin with nasty piggy tails growing out of the top.  It was fucked up.  I always wore hats to cover those disgusting, reeking,  piggy tails.  See here a picture.  Why am I always wearing the same shirt?  I like that fucking shirt.  I can't just change my wardrobe with every regeneration.  I don't live on a "Doctor's" salary. 

1st Regeneration

You'd think I learned my lesson with tiny head, but no.  Again bad Sontaran oysters ended piggy head.  I am so fucking stupid sometimes.  But when you eat them and they don't kill you, they are fucking delicious.  So then I regenerated into a woman.  Now that almost never happens, it's like one in a billion and if you laugh at me one more time I am going to make your ass into a Tardis, making it much bigger on the inside...... with my fist.  

 Now I wasn't just any woman.  I was an ugly, ugly woman with a severe speech impediment.  That existence was rough.  I constantly suffered from "phantom dick syndrome".  I was still attracted to woman but no other Gallifreyan chicks wanted to "dyke out".  Here is a picture of me as her, please don't laugh....................  Don't fucking laugh at me!!   

2nd Regeneration

OUT!!  GET OUT OF MY FUCKING CAB!!

I think I may have gotten involved in a situation that is going to be difficult to get out of.  Hopefully you can help, because I have exhausted my imagination trying to resolve this.  You see, I am a male web programmer with a job in the most desirable company in the region and I fear I might lose my job if I am not careful.  

This last holiday season I attended the company christmas party and got rather intoxicated.  The next day I awoke in a female coworker's bed.  Now this is problematic for me because our company is openly against office romance and could easily fire the both of us, but it is also awkward because she was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has a pretty bleak future according to the doctors.  

She is a really great girl in all aspects, but I am not prepared to deal with her progressing illness and probable death.  And I am pretty sure the rest of the office either already knows or is suspicious about the situation.  How can I break off a future relationship without being a total jerk about it?

Desperate in Dallas

Dear Desperate in Dallas,

Ending a relationship, regardless of how brief it may be, can be a tricky situation even in the best of circumstances.  And at worst it can be a life-shattering experience.  Add in a possibly fatal illness and you may be looking at an explosive situation.  But fear not, faithful reader!  Popular Irony is here to give you a guiding hand through the minefield.

Now we must first look at your problem with the right eyes, and we see that it is not as bad as it sounds.  Your one-time lover is already terminally ill, so one way or another this relationship is ending soon.  But on the scale of bad news "I don't want to go out with you" is not even in the same ballpark as "you are going to die soon".  So get over yourself and break up with her immediately.  I think she can handle your rejection.  

Your bigger problem is in mitigating damage to your office image, which will almost certainly take a hit if everyone finds out you banged the dying girl and then told her to fuck off.  But I have a perfect excuse.  If confronted with accusations of misconduct you can always explain that after the office party she approached you with a proposition that you could not refuse.  Sex with you was on her bucket list, and you were operating within the guidelines of the "Make A Wish Foundation".  And after performing your philanthropic duty she was insistent on continuing the relationship despite your agreed upon arrangement, but were not willing to comply because your heart belongs to another.  She just couldn't understand.

This outcome has several benefits.  Firstly, the nature of the story is so sensitive that no one would ever recount it to your one-night-stand to verify it.  Secondly, the chance of being fired for this are zero, and if your immediate superior is a man you may even receive a promotion.  And you don't have to watch her slowly wither away and die in misery.  Good luck.

Making delicious and exotic homemade meals is cheap and easy, and presents a great opportunity to express some creativity.  But you have to know the secret to putting a personal spin on your flavor creations.  That secret is condiments.  Always restock your condiment selection and you will never find yourself in need of diverse and exciting food.

Tonight we will be dining on another of my personal creations, Noodles 'N Shump.  You will need to have the following:

• 1 package ramen noodles (any flavor)
• 3 tablespoons ranch dressing
• 3 tablespoons barbecue sauce
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1 tablespoon horseradish (hot)

Start by boiling the ramen as indicated, saving the flavor packet for a later step.  After cooking is complete, drain and let cool (Noodles 'N Shump is served at room temperature).

Using the the cooking pot, add the three tablespoons of ranch dressing.  Take a few moments to enjoy the viscous dripping of this fine, milky gravy.  You earned it.  No need to mix it just yet, we have more pretty colors to add!

Next add an equal amount, three tablespoons, of your favorite barbecue sauce.  Look at the beautiful contrast of the mahogany bbq with the creamy goodness!  If you are a man and are in public right now you may want to cover up.  You probably have an erection.

Ooh baby, look at that thick, sweet honey!  One tablespoon of that delicious insect ooze is going to bring the tangy factor on that barbecue sauce to overload!  Resist the urge to smash your face into the unfinished dish and mouth-fuck it to oblivion.  There is still more tasty on the way!

A big, heaping tablespoon of extra spicy horseradish will really separate the men from the boys.  A single whiff of this stuff would cause a six year old boy's testicles to drop so fast they would splatter like a shotgun blast down his legs.  You'll wish someone would bottle this stench.

Here's the first big payoff, the hand mixing.  Get your mitts wrist-deep in that bitch.  Don't be shy.  Get it all over.  Ten dollars bets you lick your hands clean before you make it to the faucet to wash them off.

Get that pile of mess into a bowl, we are almost done.  Go grab that packet of flavor seasoning that you grabbed out of the ramen package.  Pour it liberally over the top of your pile, seasoning to taste.

Garnish as you wish, be it for a romantic dinner for two, or just a self indulgence for the gourmet in all of us.  Pictured is my favorite garnish, just half an onion with a toothpick.  I ate mine with all the tenacity of a testosterone-injected wood badger.

This particular batch disagreed with me, and alas, I lost the meal.  I am sure this was an isolated incident and should in no way negatively impact your willingness to try the recipe yourself.  (Note the pubic hair lining the toilet bowl.  You're welcome.)

 Died singer Whitney Houston in the age of 48, Saturday night.

 Died singer Whitney Houston

The cause and the place of its death became not immediately well known.

Death became not immediately well known.

In accordance with its official websites, Houston, that fought with drug needing in the course of the years, sold more than 170 million albums, lifts out and receives over its occupation. 

Fought with drug needing.

Houston was set to appear this year "Twinkling", a remake of the 1976 blow that was been based loosely on the story by The Colonels.  It was its first film roll since '1996's "The Wife of The Preacher". 

1996's "The Wife of The Preacher". 

Your collection of the works closes seven straight 1 blow in the '1980's, including a "Saving My Entire Love For You," "The Largest love of All" and "Where Broken Heart Power, Going".  Attack chalkboard places its Soundtrack to the film "The Bodyguard" as one of the uppermost 10 most largely albums of all times.  It had the leading role also in the film. 

It had the leading role also in the film.

Whitney the daughter of singer Cissy Houston, was born on the 9th of August 1963, in Newark, New Jersey.  Famous music producer Clive Davis Houston discovered nominally 20 years later in a New York nightclub, signing it at place and place, in accordance with its websites. 

Newark, New Jersey.

 The reproduction of the singer of the national anthem at the 1991 excessive bowl, days in the first Persian gulf war, earned parties and has consolidates its place in the American musical landscape. 

National anthem at the 1991 excessive bowl.

After "The Bodyguards," Houston are appear gone on into yet several films in the 1990, inclusive to years to "Breath Out Waiting". 

"Breath Out Waiting".

In 2000, Houston earned its Grammy sixth for the best feminine R&B achievements and, a month later, was named it feminine artist of the decade at the "Soul Train" music honors. 

Feminine artist of the decade.

Your occupation held out however in following years when it registered rehabilitation for s such problem. 

Rehabilitation for s such problem. 

Houston aid received in May 2011 for it much published battle with drugs and alcohol, said its representative at present. 

Battle with drugs and alcohol.

In a 2009 interview with Oprah Winfrey, Houston called back how its mother arrived one day at its threshold at the house of its daughter with the officer of sheriff, and a court organizes in a drug interference on.  It discussed cocaine and smoke marihuana. 

It discussed cocaine and smoke marihuana. 

"(My mother) says, have said 'I a court (judicial decree) here, "Houston. "either you make it my way, or we become not only this generally make.  We will go on both television sets, and you will retire'." 

We will go on both television sets, and you will retire.

Houston has a highly profile and tumultuous marriage with Bobby Brown, a star former "New Edition" had, that multiple brushes with the law had.  The couple appeared is together in the middle 2000 on the reality show "Bobby Brown" to years. 

Multiple brushes with the law had.

 Two men sat at opposite sides of a large oak desk, the smoke of dozens of cigarettes swirling around them.  Vic Musket gave every detail of his unfortunate situation, explaining how he was blowing the small fortune he was paid from his last case at an upscale hotel.  It had been week after week of drugs, sex, booze, visionquesting, and sodomy that led up to him waking to find a dead prostitute in the bathroom.  Vic had never harmed women in his life, and although he was blackout drunk he was sure he was innocent.  Besides, he didn't have a drop of blood on him.

Bertram, Vic's only comrade in this dangerous time, had sent two requests for the DA back in the city to call him on a secured line.  The phone sat silently between them, a jack-in-the-box that was waiting to pop and reveal Vic's destiny.  The men were Killing time with the kind of awkward conversation that occurs when old acquaintances reunite.

"Are you married, Vic?  Got any kids?" Bert asked, dividing the last of the scotch in their glasses.

"No, no.  Never married, or had kids.  Got three abortions under my belt, though.  How about you?"

Bert winced at Vic's callous response.  "You won't believe it, but I married my college sweetheart about six months after our 'incident'.  I have told her about you a million times, and about how you saved my life from a knife-wielding maniac.  I may have lied a little and said I was mugged instead of pissing off a street pimp, but to me you are a hero all the same."  Bert leaned in closer, making eye contact.  "Seriously, Vic.  I have never been the same since that night, and I haven't wasted my second chance.  And I will do everything in my power to repay you..."  His eyes were welling up.

"Stop."  Vic interrupted. "Why the fuck is it taking so long for this guy to call you back?"

"This is a secure line, Vic.  He can't just call me from his cell phone.  He needs to get to a secure line himself.  But he will call.  Guaranteed.  Just give him some time."  Bert looked excited, like he had been waiting for years for the chance to repay him.  "You know, I have a son and two daughters these days.  My son is a freshman in highschool now.  I named him Victor, just to remind me of the kindness you showed me that..."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"  Vic said angrily.  "Jesus Christ, man.  I met you for a total of about three hours a couple of decades ago and you name your kid after me?  Well I have news for you... you named your kid after a degenerate fuckup.  Didn't you ask yourself why I never had any kids?  Why there isn't a little Vic running around here right now?  It's because the world doesn't need another booze-guzzling, whore-mongering, killer-for-hire.  My bloodline ends with me, no more Muskets.  And here you come along, telling me how great a guy I am, and you have a fucking son keeping my name alive?  Just do what you can to save my ass here, and I will be grateful for that.  But hearing that you named your kid after me makes me want to put a gun in my mouth!"

The phone rings.

To be continued...

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*CAUTION HIGHLY FLAMMABLE*

Welcome masturbators, one and all to another installment of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly.  Join us in celebrating our shared pride in our favorite method of stress relief by broadening your masturbatory horizons.  Tonight we discuss the enemies of masturbation, induct a new member into the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and as always introduce two new techniques in this month's Diff'rent Strokes.

Guess which one has soiled hands?

There are those among us that do not share our enthusiasm for solo sexual gratification, and in some cases even fear it.  These are the enemies of masturbation, and they are gathering power.  There has been a movement among the ultra-conservative branches of the Republican party to attack the modern advances in masturbation and take jacking off back to the stone ages.  We at Popular Irony believe that someone should stand up for the frightened majority of us that prefer our jerking to be left to our own discretion.  And now we speak up for this under-reported story.

There is a document known as the "FAMiLY LEADER"pledge that was signed by former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and current candidate Rick Santorum that contains language that amounts to banning all forms of pornography.  You know, because jerking off destroys families.  This makes perfect sense, as both of them look like people who view sex as an unpleasant duty that is required to make babies.  Mott Romney is anti masturbation, in keeping with his mormon faith that in the LDS bible denounces masturbation as "wasting jizz".  Even Newt Gingritch, a confirmed pussy hound, is against porn.  Here are a few quotes from these candidates:

Rick Santorum: “Federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

Mitt Romney: “It is imperative that we cultivate the promotion of fundamental family values. This can be accomplished with increased parental involvement and enhanced supervision of our children. It includes strict enforcement of our nation’s obscenity laws, as well as the promotion of parental software controls that guard our children from Internet pornography.”

Newt Gingrich: When former Speaker Gingrich was asked if he will enforce existing laws that make distribution of hard-core adult pornography illegal, he responded: “Yes, I will appoint an Attorney General who will enforce these laws.”

So please drop by to their official webpages and let them know you are a proud masturbator.  And don't forget to tell them Popular Irony sent you.

http://www.newt.org/contact

http://www.ricksantorum.com/contact

http://mittromney.com/contact-us

http://bachmann.house.gov/Email/

Masturbation Hall of Fame

Now it is time to honor another person who has brought awareness to masturbation by inducting them into the masturbation hall of fame.  We celebrate their courage in the face of public humiliation and thank them for helping show the world that we are all normal people, and we all love to manually stimulate our genitalia.

He came for our sins...

Tonight we recognize a man who has long been overdue for praise from our monthly newsletter.  This man sacrificed his career for the one-handed passtime we all enjoy, and became the butt of countless jokes on the late night circuit.  This man is Paul Reubens, better known as Pee-wee Herman.  In 1991 Reubens was arrested in Florida for public exposure in an adult film theater.  Although certainly not the first guy to jerk it in a porno theater, the sponsors of his children's television show were somewhat concerned about image problems.  He was able to resurface for some film roles over the next decade, but his popularity was badly damaged.  For his significant sacrifice in the name of beating off, we honor Paul Reubens.

And now...  Diff'rent Strokes!!!

The Splint 'N Spank

:  Let's face it-  frequent masturbation can lead to discomfort and may even require significant recovery time, depending of the method and vigor used.  But many of us have masturbatory appetites that do not wait for our beaten, raw flesh to heal.  Use the splint method to give a withered cock the support needed to go for another round.  So get back in the saddle and beat it!

Frisky Fishy

:  The economic masturbator has produced ingenious masturbation techniques over the years, and this newest entry doesn't disappoint.  Simply drape a fish filet (with skin side out) over the shaft, get a grip, and stroke away!  This is an excellent and disposable way to satisfy your urges, and in a pinch can be washed and fried up for dinner!  It will be our little secret... 

 There are very few people that ever experience being on the receiving end of genuine hatred.  A small percentage of humanity becomes something so socially and personally unappealing that they are truly untouchable, and inspire nothing but disgust and contempt in their fellow man.  Albert is one of these unlucky few, a true reject in every way.

Albert was born as the product of fourth-generation inbreeding, distilling a white trash essence so pure that he never grew teeth as a child, and became a malnourished runt that was far too short for his age.  He remained with a raw, toothless hole until the day his grandfather died and he inherited his dentures when he was twelve years old.  Now able to eat solid foods, Albert's weight skyrocketed to over four hundred pounds, leaving him in the awkward position of having a waistline longer than he was tall.

And when he spoke the noise came out like a phlegmy cough, complete with a foul mist of saliva that would leave anyone within earshot with a sticky coating that smelled like the inside of a prosthetic leg.  No one was ever able to tolerate him long enough to allow for proper speech development.  He would sweat brown fluid so profusely that it was visibly oozing from his skin, like a slowly squeezed kitchen sponge.

Albert was profoundly stupid and attended "special needs" schooling, but was never accepted among the retarded community.  He was the butt of their cruel taunts, and looked down upon as something not only abnormal, but nearly inhuman.  Tales of his worthlessness spread beyond his hometown, and soon his home was blacklisted by Jehovah's witnesses and sales people began to ignore his "solicitation welcome!" sign.

In his twenties Albert began to feel very much alone and depressed.  The suicide prevention hotline blocked his phone number after repeated calls.  He tried to hang himself several times, but was so poor at tying knots that he always ended up crashing to the ground.  He was a very sorry bastard indeed.

Unable to work, he was supported mostly by disability from the government.  He was assigned a very nice social worker woman to meet with him monthly and monitor his progress.  The nice lady found him so disagreeable that she eventually tried to kill him with her shoe, but was acquitted without prejudice when her defense attorney called Albert as a witness.  He was able to win a civil suit, however, and survives happily on the large government settlement.  And now he lives the American dream, fat on the teat milk of the society that despises him.

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