Dear Popular Irony,

I married my husband four years ago, and our relationship has been absolutely wonderful throughout. He has always loved dogs, especially pitbulls, and used to breed them with his family since he was young but never owned any since we began dating because we always lived in small apartments that didn't allow dogs. I always promised him that once we had a home of our own he could get a couple dogs, and last year we finally achieved our dream and bought a lovely house in the suburbs. But that's not the only milestone we reached in our relationship, because I just found out recently that we are having a baby!

We are both thrilled about starting a family, but recently my husband started discussing buying a pitbull puppy like nothing has changed. I know I was very supportive of his love for the dogs in the past, but I'm not sure how I feel about them now that I have to worry about the safety of my unborn child! I am afraid to bring it up now since he is very adamant that pitbulls are just as safe and loving as any other breed of dog, and his feelings would be hurt if he found out I am having doubts. Popular Irony, I need help fast!

Sincerely,

Troubled In Texas

Well, Troubled, this is a very difficult situation to resolve without one of you being unhappy with the outcome. If your husband has been very straightforward about his love for pitbulls and you have been hiding your reservations about them, then it would seem you might be on the losing end of the honesty scale here. But I understand that the safety of your family is far more important than any casual agreement you made with him before you found out you are pregnant.

But there is one saving grace in this scenario that you can use to make sure you don't find your relationship in a situation where it is strained to the breaking point. Your baby isn't born yet. Now hear me out... Pitbulls are a lot like other dogs. There are good ones, and bad ones. And much of the pitbull's personality is decided by how it is raised. If your husband buys a pup tomorrow and raises it right, then you will have nothing to worry about when it comes time to have a baby.

So buy the dog, and get yourself a secret abortion. If you tell your husband you miscarried (this might take some acting on your part, but you should have no problem managing some well-timed weeping), then he can have his dog, and your relationship will likely strengthen as a result of the "tragedy". Two birds with one stone! I just hope you haven't told your whole family you are expecting, since that would complicate matters. Hope I helped!

Love,

Popular Irony

I think I may have gotten involved in a situation that is going to be difficult to get out of.  Hopefully you can help, because I have exhausted my imagination trying to resolve this.  You see, I am a male web programmer with a job in the most desirable company in the region and I fear I might lose my job if I am not careful.  

This last holiday season I attended the company christmas party and got rather intoxicated.  The next day I awoke in a female coworker's bed.  Now this is problematic for me because our company is openly against office romance and could easily fire the both of us, but it is also awkward because she was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has a pretty bleak future according to the doctors.  

She is a really great girl in all aspects, but I am not prepared to deal with her progressing illness and probable death.  And I am pretty sure the rest of the office either already knows or is suspicious about the situation.  How can I break off a future relationship without being a total jerk about it?

Desperate in Dallas

Dear Desperate in Dallas,

Ending a relationship, regardless of how brief it may be, can be a tricky situation even in the best of circumstances.  And at worst it can be a life-shattering experience.  Add in a possibly fatal illness and you may be looking at an explosive situation.  But fear not, faithful reader!  Popular Irony is here to give you a guiding hand through the minefield.

Now we must first look at your problem with the right eyes, and we see that it is not as bad as it sounds.  Your one-time lover is already terminally ill, so one way or another this relationship is ending soon.  But on the scale of bad news "I don't want to go out with you" is not even in the same ballpark as "you are going to die soon".  So get over yourself and break up with her immediately.  I think she can handle your rejection.  

Your bigger problem is in mitigating damage to your office image, which will almost certainly take a hit if everyone finds out you banged the dying girl and then told her to fuck off.  But I have a perfect excuse.  If confronted with accusations of misconduct you can always explain that after the office party she approached you with a proposition that you could not refuse.  Sex with you was on her bucket list, and you were operating within the guidelines of the "Make A Wish Foundation".  And after performing your philanthropic duty she was insistent on continuing the relationship despite your agreed upon arrangement, but were not willing to comply because your heart belongs to another.  She just couldn't understand.

This outcome has several benefits.  Firstly, the nature of the story is so sensitive that no one would ever recount it to your one-night-stand to verify it.  Secondly, the chance of being fired for this are zero, and if your immediate superior is a man you may even receive a promotion.  And you don't have to watch her slowly wither away and die in misery.  Good luck.