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Popular Irony

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Posts in "apocalypse"
A Gentleman's Guide To Apocalypse Protocol

We now sit at the edge of times, on the precipice of the great cosmic undoing which is apparently scheduled for December 21. The news has been a long time coming and was supposedly predicted by the ancient mayan civilization when they decided to discontinue the measurement of time itself on this upcoming date, omitting any reflection of the 13th year of this new millennium from their calendar. Now one must be prepared for this momentous event if one insists on maintaining one's status as esteemed gentleman, and despite any dissent voiced by the scientific community it is important to recognize the demonstrable accuracy of mayan predictions, save the unfortunate oversight regarding a rather unpleasant visit by the spanish. So how must a gentleman approach the impending end of days? Well read on and stash this bit of knowledge under your stovepipe hat.

1.) In order to position one's self best to endure the calamity as the world is torn to pieces, the gentleman must first determine the likely location of the disastrous spark that begins the chaos. Clearly, the logical ground zero is located somewhere in the middle east, where progressive thought is tortured away and historic inspirations were gleefully cast into the sands to likewise erode into dust. Clearly the safest place would be nested within the mountain ranges of the americas, where the fires that burn the seas themselves would be unseen the longest. Make a sanctuary here, with as much brandy and scotch as can be hauled by a team of mules and oxen, save the necessary space for the requisite caviar and expertly aged beef.

2.) A recognition that exposure to the desperate dregs of humanity would be both depressing and unnecessary will serve the gentleman well, and should be considered when formulating plans your alpine estate and defenses. The use of protective canines is the way of men of means, and would leave said men unburdened by the sight and presence of humanity that otherwise provides protection. And considering the limited time one has for preparations, could be implemented with minimal effort or distress.

3.) When the outbreak of violence and insanity begin spreading through the network of peasant society, be prepared to become a likely target for their focus. Luckily the fruits of wealth and education has always served the aristocracy well, and the simple deployment of personal arms paired with the distraction one can gain from the visible abandonment of small sums of currency will suffice for the majority of your escaping needs. Even in the face of such cruel mortality the poor will abandon all thought of retribution against their perceived oppressors in the pursuit of paper that is clearly rendered useless considering the progress of events.

4.) Regarding the entertainment of any man of high birth in such circumstances, little will be required to stimulate the mind and senses. As the waves of death and suffering crash at the gates of your makeshift compound you will be pleasantly lulled to euphoria by the symphony of despair and pain that rain down on your ears from all sides, like a champagne tsunami that brings a most welcome end. And until the chaos comes calling, you have the unique distinction of being in the company of the only true terrestrial equal, your own gentlemanly presence.

Zombie Apocalypse or Clever Firearms Advertising?

In the last week there have been four news stories that elude to a possible upcoming zombie outbreak. They have all the hallmarks of classic zombie symptoms, horrific self abuse, murder, and cannibalism. Now we are all used to these kinds of situations occurring in fucked up places like Russia, where the harsh siberian winters lead dozens of people to desperate acts of cannibalism each year, or North Korea where the government withholds food aid from the starving masses, but these stories all happened in NORTH AMERICA. Make no mistake about it, a lot of fucked up shit happens in the developed world, but we rarely see crimes like these. So I ask myself... is this really the beginning of the end, or just a devious plot by the firearms industry to convince me to start stockpiling ammunition? Both Terlet and I are well-armed, responsible gun owners that are reasonably prepared for the possibility of an undead invasion, but I must admit that I feel the need to make a trip to my local arms dealer to spend all my disposable income before it becomes worthless and I have to barricade myself in a WalMart or something. Let's review the evidence:

You're welcome.

I'm sure you have all seen the recent story about the face-eater down in Miami, but I will refresh your memory. A 31 year old man approached a homeless guy near a bridge and savagely attacked him, beating him and then gnawing over 75% of his face off. The attack lasted for over 18 minutes and was partially captured by a surveillance camera. When a police officer drew his weapon on the attacker the man "growled like a wild animal" and continued eating his victim's face. The officer shot the man dead at the scene. No word on whether the victim has risen from the grave as of yet. The police believe the man was under the influence of bath salts, a designer drug that turns people into incoherent babbling madmen, but that sounds like a cover-up to me.

Least intimidating zombie ever.

The phenomenon has even impacted Canada, the most friendly and unnecessarily apologetic country on earth! A 29 year old gay porn actor is on the loose after mailing the body parts of a chinese student to media outlets. The man was apparently under investigation for making films of torturing and killing cats, but quickly upgraded to people. I have seen the film, where the man repeatedly stabs his bound victim with an icepick before dismembering him, buggering his corpse, then cutting flesh off his ass and eating it. I know what you are thinking... "Why the fuck would you watch that shit, Hamtackle?" To that I have only one response: Know thy enemy.

Rare non-caucasian cannibal murderer

And another case recently arose in Baltimore, where a 21 year old kenyan college student admitted to murdering his roommate and eating his heart and brain. This is after the suspect's own brother notified police that he found human remains in the trash at the apartment, which was not entirely unexpected since the suspect was out on bail following his arrest after beating a man with a baseball bat so severely that the victim lost an eye. This guy is currently in police custody, although they still haven't been able to determine a motive for the murder. Maybe the motive was simply... HUNGER!

Marginally effective police-deterrent when thrown

And finally we have an awesome story, albeit a bit lacking in detail at this time. In Hackensack, NJ police responded to a call that stated that a 43 year old man was about to harm himself. When they arrived and confronted the man he responded by viciously stabbing himself in the torso with a 12 inch kitchen knife so severely that his intestines poured out. Now that doesn't sound like it was necessarily zombie-like behavior, right? Well, he then proceeded to tear off chunks of his own intestines AND THROW THEM at the officers. That's right, he literally threw his guts at the police. The man was delivered to the hospital after being apprehended and is currently recovering. Police stated that the man had a history of mental illness. No fucking shit. Or maybe he is just the latest in a clear string of micro zombie outbreaks?

I sure hope so. I would love the complete lack of social and legal rule, and having absolutely no responsibilities except my personal survival would be exhilarating. So who knows, maybe in a few short weeks I will get a chance to meet a few of our faithful readers. I will try not to shoot you unless you are clearly a zombie, but you know... no promises.