In honor of halloween I elected to participate in the zombie survival challenge. You are given five minutes to grab everything that you may find useful should you learn of an impending zombie outbreak. You will need to leave your home in just five minutes, so make every item count.

Here I have some basic medical supplies. There are some vitamins, toothbrush and toothpaste (to fend off trenchmouth), adhesive bandages with antibiotic ointment and hydrogen peroxide, soap, an ace bandage in case of joint injury, some sweatproof sun protection (for my lilly-white irish skin), and a bottle of corn syrup. Why corn syrup? It is pure sugar and packs a major energy boost. Plus you can make prison wine with it.

Next I grabbed a sturdy military ammo box to carry my first aid and basic tools. Then a pack of fresh razor blades, a mess tool utility knife, a bic lighter, one led maglight, one russian military issue hand-pump flashlight, and 100 feet of military grade paracord. Any self-respecting man should have most of these items at their disposal in time of need. If you don't have paracord, buy some. It is cheap, has a 550 lb test, and can be disassembled for emergency fiahing line or suture thread.

And for some close range weapons I included a trusty and rusty combat dagger (affectionately known as a "rib tickler"), a three foot length of heavy chain with a massive padlock to act as a flail, and an adorable little half axe for breaking through wooden doors or stubborn heads. This is the holy trinity of melee weapons: bludgeoning, piercing, and chopping.

And finally, no good zombie survival kit is complete without it's essential centerpiece, the firearm. I elected not to include my AK-74 due to my limited ammo at the moment, and the sparse nature of 5.45x39 ammo here in the US. It would be dead weight without a few hundred rounds. But I did grab my Smith&Wesson .357 magnum revolver with 100 rounds of hollow point ammunition. A revolver like this will never jam, needs minimal upkeep, and will blow the roof off any zombie or hostile survivor I come across.  God bless 'mericuh.

So there you have it. My five minute zombie survival challenge. In these uncertain times it is vital that you know what resources you have at your disposal, so make sure to give it a try. If after five minutes have passes you realize there are more things you would have gone for, then maybe it is time to consolidate your toolkit. After all, your life may depend on it! Happy halloween!

Even the most discerning gentleman will find himself confronted with danger, panic, and chaos in his lifetime. How one responds demonstrates the difference between common street trash and people of privilege. Tonight we briefly discuss the proper handling of situations of potentially dire consequence.

1. Remember your elevated station in life when considering chivalry:

You may be tempted to follow the age old adage of "women and children first", but consider the genesis of this famous line. This was mostly used in sinking ship scenarios between the mid 19th to mid 20th century, where all occupants were generally of aristocratic heritage and warranted equivalent treatment in times of peril. These days you are much less likely to find a fellow gentleman or social peer and therefore should not hesitate to flatten any obstructive personage, be they man, woman, or child. To think that you would allow some unwashed urchin to prevent you from sparing your fine garments exposure to elements such as fire or flood waters is simply foolish, and acting with authority will put you in line with like-minded people of wealth and status.

2. Hoarding resources is the way of the aristocracy:

At the first sign of a stressful situation a true gentleman will claim for himself a proportional quantity of valuable resources. If unable to secure the lion's share of food or other resources you face an obligation to demand or seize said valuables from other survivors. Expect resistance, as the rabble tends to place undue value on their own meager existence and will likely demand access to whatever they have acquired for themselves. Do not hesitate to enlist force to secure your rightful claim.

3. Cull the herd to eliminate the weak:

The sooner you can isolate the unfit from your group the better. When faced with a life or death ordeal the last thing you will need is to be saddlebagged with the impoverished or feeble. At the first opportunity you must smother the weak and sacrifice their young, as this is the way of nature. Maintaining a population of lesser individuals may be entertaining but is generally a drain on your resources, and once they have been eradicated the remaining few can benefit from their belongings. Don't let your inner humanity be a detriment to your survival. Many a good man lost their struggle due to their unwillingness to fashion a blanket out of the skin of starving toddlers.

4. Establish your dominance:

There are many benefits to leading a group of survivors, and key among them is being seen as essential to the success of the greater good. Being of respectable blood you already have above-average judgement and intellect, and once others have identified such you will have an easier time convincing them to sacrifice themselves in your stead. After all, while the peasants fight for king and country the king fights for no one but himself. Consider the endgame of a heated match of chess. The pawns are the first to go in the interests of the good of the king.

5. Remember that history is written by the winners:

No matter what manner of cowardice and selfishness is committed in the throes of stress, none of it is of any consequence once the ordeal is over. And as long as you are fit to loudly proclaim your heroic deeds the greater public will be none the wiser. To be sure, other survivors may be keen to proclaim your dishonor once the smoke has cleared, but as long as you have a louder bullhorn their cries will be drowned out. And besides, what right-minded person would believe a louse from lower social station than yourself in such a situation? Indeed, just make sure you are first to secure parlay with the covering media.

I am Wang Dunkin, former US Navy SEAL and survival expert with over thirty years of field experience in some of the most unforgiving environments known to man. I have been in the shit and lived to tell about it, and now I am going to pass some of my life-saving techniques to you today. That is why I have stranded us on this deserted tropical island with nothing but a bag of random assorted survival tools. Knowing how to properly use these tools could mean the difference between a comfortable beach vacation and a slow death.

Let's see whats in my pack for this trip. I have a bamboo fishing rod with thirty feet of line, two fishing hooks, one energy bar, a magnifying glass, one plastic rain poncho, one waterproof match, and fifty feet of paracord. Wow, these are really great survival tools. And in my expert hands we will have all the comforts of civilization in mere hours. Now pay careful attention, friend. What you learn here might save your life some day.

The first thing that any respectable survivalist must do in a dire situation like this is get a fire started. Fire always means the difference between a rotting corpse and comfortable living, let me tell you. Luckily I have everything I need here to start a life-giving fire right away. First, I am going to use the fifty feet of paracord as kindling for the waterproof match... there we go. Now that I have a small fire going I am going to break down this bamboo fishing pole, since bamboo makes some of the best firewood known to man. Don't bother detaching the fishing line, since it is going to be pretty useless without the actual pole. But once you are warm and toasty you will be pretty glad you sacrificed these relatively useless items.

The second rule of survival is finding or building a shelter, since exposure is the leading cause of death when stranded in the wilderness. I guess I am going to have to build my own shelter here and forego the nice big natural cave over at the forest line since I already have my fire going, and anyone worth their salt knows that once you've got a fire you better not disturb it by carrying embers elsewhere. Fire is a fickle beast, and it is best not to tempt it. But the good news is that we have this plastic rain poncho to help keep the weather out!  I am going to prop it up with some sticks to keep out the coming rain, but I will let you in on a secret of the SEALs: to keep the wind from blowing the poncho all over the place you can ventilate it by tearing a bunch of holes in the plastic. See? Now the wind goes right through the poncho, making sure it is perfectly in place to protect us from those dark clouds on the horizon!

Now we just need to put the final piece of the puzzle in place by finding some food to sustain us in this harsh environment. Good thing I have this energy bar, right? I am just going to jam these two fishing hooks in the center of the bar and use it to double or triple the nutritional value by catching some fish with it! We are going to go hunting for rodents in the forest over there, but the energy bar bait can start catching fish right now. I will just toss it in the shallow water here and head off on the hunt, and when we return we are bound to have a nice, big fish dead from eating the hooks just waiting to be cooked on the fire!

One lesser known hunting technique involves the use of a heavy magnifying glass just like this one. Follow me into the forest and I will show you the tried-and-true methods of our primitive ancestors for hunting rodents. What luck! Just over there we have a big, fat rat sitting on a large rock. He isn't suspecting anything, the poor fella. Now taking a life to sustain your own isn't my favorite part of survival, but it has to be done. My fool-proof method of hunting with a magnifying glass is quite simple, just quietly line up your shot... and... THROW THE GLASS!!! ... Shit. The little bastard got away and my glass is shattered into oblivion on the rock. That never happened before. Oh well, there's always the fish that I surely caught back at camp. Let's head back, it's starting to rain.

Okay, part of surviving is dealing with the unsuspected hurdle that nature throws your way. Now don't panic, but it looks like the fire went out while we were out hunting. I guess there were too many holes in the poncho and the rain put it out. Hmmm... and it seems like the energy bar bait is gone. Must have been a really big fish that took it away before succumbing to the pain of the embedded fish hooks. What are the odds?!? I'll be damned, this is the first time I had any difficulty in a survival situation. Usually my top-notch techniques are fail proof. Good thing we still have that cave over there to keep us out of the rain. It's almost certain that there are poisonous snakes in the cave though, but I will show you a little trick with smearing your feces on your body to keep them at bay. Our rescue boat isn't due for three more days now, so let's make the best of it. I've made a career of making mother nature my bitch, and I won't let a few setbacks like these get the better of me. Let's go.

We all know it is bound to happen some day, maybe ten thousand years from now, maybe even a million or two.  But if we are all lucky it might happen within our lifetime!  This guide is a quick reference to surviving the apocalypse.  Whether it be catastrophic meteor impact, widespread disease and famine, or global warfare, these tips are invaluable.  .This could even work for a zombie outbreak, or something less likely such as the rapture.  So sit back and absorb the knowledge.  It might save your life one day.

Firstly, regardless of the cause of the mass extinction you are going to need the big three:  Food and water, shelter, and defense.  Remember to keep an eye out for renewable food an water when scavenging, since a sure thing prairie dog hunt beats a single gourmet meal in the long run. 

One clever way to recycle urine into a small scale renewable water source is accomplished in any warm or hot climate.  Gather some plastic sheeting (a trash bag will do, the darker colored, the better!) and a small cup or can to gather the payload.  Simply dig a hole, piss in it and place the can in the dead center of the hole.  By stretching the plastic over the hole and placing a small stone in the center you can guide the resulting condensation to an apex, causing the pure water to drip into the container.  Don't be shy, after all, Gandhi drank his own urine everyday!

Got urine?

Recycling solid waste is a more difficult and less appetizing proposition, but will make perfect sense when times are desperate enough.  One little known fact is that human feces is rich in nutrients that are improperly or incompletely digested in the body, and can sustain life in a starvation situation.  The living fauna component of the waste is both dangerous, and a nice nutritional bonus to the vegetable and meat makeup of most colon material.  To make the emergency rations safe to eat simply boil the feces to kill all living parasites and bacteria.  Season liberally, for obvious reasons.

Strain through cheesecloth after boiling

When it comes to shelter in the apocalyptic landscape of terror and misfortune, survivors will be confronted with a plethora of available real estate for the taking.  Before occupying the nearest mansion in your city you should take a few things into consideration.  First you will want to be near a food and water source, since you won't want to be dining on your feces quite yet.  And choose something strong and impenetrable, considering human invasion as well as other environmental forces that could expose you to certain death.  Avoid a rookie mistake:  Cinderblocks seem to make a great fortress, but one man with a sledgehammer can end it all.

Being prepared for the apocalypse also means becoming a gun owner.  No matter how you feel about them politically, you are going to want one when shit goes down.  A .22 rifle is probably the single best choice, since you carry more ammo than any other weapon.  But it doesn't end there.  You are going to need some hand to hand weaponry and tools.  Make your next paycheck a shopping spree at the hardware store.  The essentials are a hatchet and axe, machete, three foot heavy chain with padlock, and a crowbar.  Bring lots of cash, because you will be inspired by the variety.

Preparedness can be sexy!

So take this advice to heart, dear reader, and I will see you at EDEN 2.  I will be the fat guy doing all the fornicating... er, I mean repopulating.