A few days ago I started to track and describe my bowel movements. For science. I am tracking consistency, relative size, production effort, smell, and ease of cleanup all on a 1-5 scale. I promise you that my personal defecation records will be the most interesting and enlightening thing you read today.

Monday, March 4

I slept in until around 9:30 am when the pressure awakened me. Approximately eleven inches of light colored feces in an unbroken and moist chain were produced with little effort, scored at a 4 for size and 2 for effort, respectively. Smell was horrendous due to the protruding iceburg-like posture of the coil, 4.5. After several wasted handfuls of tp I resigned to the shower as the most thorough and practical option, also 4.5.

Tuesday, March 5

Had to shit when I awakened, unable to since I had to go to work. After settling in the office I visited the stall to produce a football-shaped oval of lumpy and dense poo, size rating only 2.0, although the wide midsection bottlenecked and caused a roughly seven minute shitting time, with an effort rating of 3.5. Judging by the red streak running longitudinally through the mass I should have taken more time or eaten more fiber yesterday. Smell almost nonexistent and wiping effort minimal, both at 1.0.

Wednesday, March 6

All day long I could sense the warmth of a burgeoning shit inside me. I worked through the afternoon with anticipation of the ripening in my bowels, but was unable to coax the beast out of me despite the performance of poop calisthenics (deep squats, leg lifts, and crunches). No poo to rate, and overall quite concerning.

Thursday, March 7

My concern deepened this morning when I was still unable to relieve the growing colonic pressure. I worked through the day without time or urge to complete the act. Upon returning home from work I was able to spark the breach by the consumption of two microwave burritos. A risky gamble that paid off. Produced two dark links of poo about eight inches long each, quite quickly. Almost startlingly quick, rating 1.0. Diameter was roughly the girth of a baby's arm and quite solid, rated 4.0. Smell and cleanup were both formidable, necessitating the implementation of both dampened tp and some odor coverup by air freshener and closing the bathroom door, which remained closed for the rest of the evening. Easily both could be rated a steady 4.5.

I will continue tracking my movements for your reading pleasure, and may consider experimental shitting such as documenting "tracer foods" that can be visible post-defecation. Until then, happy shitting!

Tonight we take a look at a few thought experiments that are designed to help you learn more about yourself in the context of atrocious choices in which there is NO good answer or easy way out. When given a choice between good vs evil, life vs death, or hate vs love, the answer is easy. But we aim to make it just a little more difficult... and uncomfortable.

Thought Experiment #1:

Would you rather have lifelong hiccups, or random uncontrollable diarrhea for a half-hour daily?

The two sides each have their ups and downs. Sure, you could live your life almost exactly the same with hiccups as you do now, but you would be constantly distracted and may even become suicidal due to the annoyance. And while the hiccups would torment you constantly, you would only have to deal with the diarrhea for one half-hour each day, but it is random and unpredictable. Sure, sometimes it would come late at night or before you go to work in the morning, but what if it hits you while in a crowded elevator? Or while in an important business meeting? They each have their pitfalls.

Thought Experiment #2:

If you were guaranteed you would never be exposed publicly, would you rather be an active zoophile, or an inactive pedophile?

If you choose being a zoophile you would be better able to live with yourself (slightly) but think about it... YOU WOULD BE FUCKING ANIMALS! If you choose to be an inactive pedophile then you can rest assured that you were doing nothing illegal, and would be victimizing no child or animal, but think about it... YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK CHILDREN! The thoughts going through your head would be terrible, and you may even collect illegal pornography. Again, not an easy choice.

Thought Experiment #3:

(Disclaimer: This applies only to heterosexual men, and is in no way intended to disparage homosexuals. We at Popular Irony are not homophobes, and would gladly blow each other to prove it.)

Would you rather have sex with one well-hung man 20 times over the course of a month, or have sex with 20 average-sized men all at once?

Now this is MY thought experiment, so I make the rules. When I say "sex" I mean completely safe (no threat of STD) hardcore anal and oral, and to full completion. That's right, no man leaves unsatisfied. If you choose 1 man 20 times you could build a relationship, learn each other's wants and desires, and go at a comfortable pace. But you would have to drag out the unpleasantness for an entire month, and just imagine the horsecock... IMAGINE IT! If you choose to get it over all at once you would wake up tomorrow without having to worry about taking one in the ass, but you would have the horrifying memory and battle scars that come from a TWENTY-ON-ONE GANGBANG!

So there you have it. Three difficult questions that have no clear answer, unless you are very strange indeed. Please feel free to submit you answers and reasoning as a comment below, or submit your own completely inappropriate thought experiments via email at popularirony@gmail.com