If you have been on the internets today you might have noticed that some of your favorite sites have been changed, or even shut down entirely.  Most notably Google, Wikipedia and Reddit have all adopted temporary changes to raise awareness of the possible upcoming votes on the Stop Online Piracy Act, and the Protect IP Act, known as SOPA and PIPA.  With Popular Irony being at the proverbial "tip of the spear" when it comes to political issues of national awareness, we have been receiving numerous requests to join the fight.  So tonight we bring you the new pro-censorship organization CUNT (Censorship Upholds National Tradition).

We here at CUNT have developed a mission statement that helps explain our stance on SOPA and PIPA.   

"We understand mankind to be inherently evil and incapable of unprovoked kindness, and agree that censorship should be mandated by the government to situations including, but not limited to: actions or speech made in public, in the workplace, on the internet/social networking sites, and in your personal home.  We believe that with the proper control speech can remain both free and establishment-friendly, promoting a global culture of homogeneous thought."

But before you allow your closed mind to judge us harshly by our support for censorship, take a few moments to imagine a world without it.  Just think, you are working for a multi-national corporation, reviewing your email for the week when you notice it:  Gary from accounting has attached a little cartoon featuring Adolf Hitler raping Anne Frank on the Quarterly Business Review file.  And you KNOW the home office in Israel isn't going to appreciate this expression of individualism.  Or maybe you send your ten year old daughter off to elementary school for the day, thinking she is safe in the hands of our nation's fine educators.  But then she comes home crying and tells you all how they learned all about alternative sexual practices culminating in a full-length viewing of "2 girls 1 cup".  Now she is terrified of soft serve icecream.

So you now understand that this is a slippery slope, America.  And sometimes to be free you have to trust your master, as your dog has trust when you are on the other end of the leash.  And frankly I am comforted by the knowledge that there is a man on the other side of the curtain, making sure my sensitive eyes see only the PG-13 version of the world around me.  It saves me all the effort of forming my own opinions, which requires a lifetime of exhausting evidence review, bipartisan debate, and tedious listening.  I mean, we have all accepted that someone else changes our oil, does our taxes, even raises our children!  Why isn't the internet community celebrating SOPA and PIPA as revolutionary progression towards our end goal of automating our lives?  Soon we will be able to relax and focus on being productive little members of society while the government relieves us of the burden of free thought.  Besides, wouldn't heaven be just as beautiful if it was painted in shades of gray? 

First off, I want to have a very informal discussion here, so just call me Phil, okay?  I have invited you to this meeting, Susan, to discuss your future within this fine company.  You know that the boys at corporate have been pushing the cutbacks on us since last quarter, and I am afraid that if it keeps up like this we might lose some familiar faces around here.  Now, you have always done a great job, you come in on time and cover for your coworkers when asked, and everybody really likes you on a personal level.  And let me just say that I have always found you to be a very intelligent and capable woman, and a total asset to the team.

This is why I wanted to give you the first opportunity to secure your future employment here with us.  You have to understand that being an excellent employee, a pleasant person, and a beautiful woman is sometimes not enough.  Sometimes you need to take two cold, arthritic fingers downstairs while licking the mothball scent off of a geriatric man's nipple.  And before you make a rash decision let me explain myself here.

You see, while I am only a moderately wealthy man and have little power beyond the walls of this building, I do control the employment of everyone on this floor.  Now if I were the VP of Operations, or the Vendor Administrator, maybe I would be forcing Jessica from Recruiting to swallow some of my body hair while punching my kidneys, but I have to settle for you.  So before you go getting all offended by this proposition just remember that I am not exactly thrilled to be taking advantage of a brunette that is over thirty, but we all have to accept our lot in life.

So what do ya say, Susan?  It's boner o'clock and crazy Phil is giving away job extensions for a limited time only!  Do you still want this job or do I have to go get Brenda from the stock room?....  That's it, atta girl.  Now go get the greased feather-duster out of the liquor cabinet and put on your gloves, and if you think you are going to throw up aim for the barn tarp.

We all saw it tonight.  Jesus Christ turned his back on his most enthusiastic supporter in his time of need and allowed the Denver Broncos to be crushed in embarrassing fashion.  Word from within the religious insider circle indicate that Tebow had the endorsement of the son of God until as recently as last night, but had a "falling out" of sorts that shifted celestial support back to Tom Brady.

There has been rampant speculation about the nature of the disagreement, but general consensus seems to aim toward a failure to maintain a strict regimen of child sacrifices that has extended the Broncos season thus far.  At any rate it was refreshing to see the celebrated quarterback lay the blame for the outcome squarely at the feet of the almighty, ending a long time tradition of hypocrisy by athletes that dictates the Lord is only to be praised for victory, but never held accountable for failure.

The personal relationship between Tim Tebow and God has been built on an unstable foundation, as Tebow reportedly holds feelings of resentment due to his creation as a left handed heathen, and has been forced to appeal to the bloodthirst of Yahweh through the kidnapping and ritual murder of defenseless street urchins.  Back in his college days the display of bible verses during games in his eye black was translating into a Heisman trophy win and a national championship, but in order to get drafted in the NFL it took much more.  Tim Tebow ensured a first round draft pick by participating in a pro-life commercial that aired in the superbowl, and began a campaign to further his fame and fortune.

But the nature of his efforts to please God took a dark turn earlier this season when Tebow reluctantly agreed to sacrifice a lamb to get his chance to start as quarterback for the Denver Broncos.  Each subsequent victory was gained not through the hard effort and team cohesion of the Broncos, but rather by trading the life of one child per week.  This formula worked very well until late 2011, when Tebow took a hiatus from the sacrifice in an attempt to prove he could win by the merit of his skill and athleticism alone, but this resulted in a three game losing streak and a narrow division title victory.  Encouraged by an ovetime victory against the Steelers that featured a crippled Ben Roethlisberger at quarterback, Tebow chanced the playoff game by once again refusing to complete the sacrificial ritual.

While the recent reluctance to perform the slayings has excellent implications on the well-being of homeless children in the greater Denver area, it has not translated into the same level of success they enjoyed a few short weeks ago.  It is still unclear if Tebow plans to resume the dark ritual in the off season, but fans have their hopes up.

Homeless MacGyver makes new legs

As our faithful readers already know, I, Hamtackle, have been laid off from my job at the end of next week.  But this afternoon I found a twenty dollar bill blowing past my car while entering my employer's parking lot.  Normally I would not abruptly stop and chase after currency, but I am going to be poor soon, so don't fucking judge me.  This little bit of charity that fate brought me is not unwelcome.  In fact, between this and the rise of a certain Tim Tebow, I may soon be changing my atheist ways.  This newfound faith has given me false hope and has inspired me to come up with a few moneysaving tips to help us all get through these tough times.  Together we can make it.  But come between me and a free meal these days and I will fucking kill you. 

First order of business is the expense of condoms.  I go through these things like a free clinic goes through penicillin, not because I get laid a lot, but because I prefer to wear them under my boxers while I go about my workday, just so I am prepared in case there is an accident and some beautiful girl needs emergency copulation.   Call me an optimist.  But I have learned through trial and error that rubbers are reversible!  That's right folks, if you run them under the tap after use you can turn them inside-out for double the enjoyment, and at half the cost!

Another great way to save a few dollars is by supplementing your diet with complimentary condiments!  Every time you patronize a fast food joint or diner, seize the opportunity to fill your pockets with jelly packets, ketchup and mustard, mayo and relish, and whipped butter pads.  You will be thanking your lucky stars when your tummy is grumbling, and it might even keep you out of "dick-sucking territory" when it comes to financial ruin.

Piracy!  Not only can you save a bundle on your entertainment costs, but you can also add a positive income flow through the wonder of pornography!  The internet is a wonderful place where almost everyone can have their wildest sexual desires fulfilled with a simple online search.  But some people are just not internet savvy, or have rather "unique" tastes that cannot be satisfied with the majority of mainstream porn websites.  That is where you come in.  Using your no doubt excellent skill at locating dirty websites, burn dvds of a wide genre of porn, from girl on girl to gangbangs for the technologically challenged and elderly types, and from tentacle porn to urethra tuning for the more eccentric types.  Your costs will be covered and then some with minimal effort and a steady stream of perverted friends and neighbors.

And there you have it, people.  Three ways to turn your economic woes around and become a financial success!  We may not be the 1% quite yet, but goddammit we are working on it!

 Vic Musket sat shotgun in the dank cab of a decrepit semi truck with a burly woman that smelled like wet cheese and menses.  She had asked him several times to quit smoking except during weigh stations, but the only ground he gave was to crack the window a little.  Only a little.  The air was too fresh here and Vic's body seemed to reject it violently, much more so than the thick alleyway smog he was so used to.  The detective took one last dramatic pull from his cigarette and flicked it out the cracked window with total disregard for the wildfire-prone countryside.  His driver uttered an audible sigh of relief, a passive-aggressive complaint about her increasingly unwanted company's smoking which triggered an immediate response in the form of another cigarette, even though Vic didn't want one.

A sign screamed past the passenger window that informed Vic they had just passed the state line from Mississippi to Louisiana, meaning he would soon meet with his contact in Dallas and make progress in clearing his name of murder.  "Thanks for the lift... Miss" Vic realized he had forgotten her name.  "and I'm sorry I can't pay you.  But if you give me your mailing address I will certainly..."

"Don't worry your little head about it, mister.  You can pay me back another way."  The beastly woman interrupted.  Vic had a sinking feeling in his gut.  He was hoping to make it out of this ride without taking his pants off.  The ice now awkwardly broken, the woman pulled into a nearby rest stop and came to a halt, eager to extract payment.

"Alright.  It's only fair." Vic began "But I hope you have a dildo in here, because I don't see an erection in my near future."

The lady trucker smiled.  "No worries, darlin!  I'm just going to climb into my sleeper and let you polish every centimeter of my backside.  It should take about an hour or two so you may want to go use the restroom first, cause once you get started, you ain't stopping 'till yer done."

"I'm good.  Lets get this over with."  Vic said with his game face on.  The woman climbed clumsily into the attached sleeper and peeled the sweatpants off her ample form.  The musk wafted up immediately, steaming up the windows despite the hot weather.  Considering the hygiene he had witnessed over the past 9 hours he had quite an unpleasant job ahead.  Gritting his teeth he grabbed a discarded ketchup packet, a secret weapon to sweeten the salty body odor flavor, and climbed into pole position. 

"Oh, and grab those!  We're going to need them."  The lady trucker gestured at a package of gauze and wadding.  "I burst a hemorrhoid two days ago and she's a bleeder!"

Vic didn't miss a beat in getting eyebrow-deep in her humid nethers.  A lesser man would not be able to control his disgust, or might try to negotiate alternative payment.  But not Vic Musket.  His mouth had been filthier places.  And besides, he kind of liked the taste.  In fact, under different circumstances he might have PAID for this privilege, so the joke was on HER. 

To be continued...

Many people are either fired because they are incompetent or irresponsible, or they leave work on their own to pursue other dreams and opportunity.  I found unemployment by being laid off today.  I work data analysis for the same place I have been employed for the better part of the decade, and the client I work for ended the business relationship with my company effective mid next week.  The worst part is, I may still find employment there so I can't have an epic last day like I have always planned.

I am not sure how to proceed from here, but I have been able to gain the proper perspective when considering the masses of single mothers with incarcerated husbands, barely employable invalids with noticeable facial deformities, and disagreeable illiterates with passionate views surrounding social conservatism that I work with.  These people are either wailing about their misfortune or greedily rubbing their hands together in anticipation of getting on the government teat, and I sit by the wayside with the assurance that I am a very employable, intelligent asshole with a lot of workplace misery yet to spread around.  But what to do?

My first and obvious choice for employment would be working with children, in any way possible, from daycare to education.  There I could be paid to do what I love, which is screaming at children and making them cry.  Or else I could be a doorman for a nightclub, where I would get to watch drunken frat boys kick each other's teeth down their throats.  Or maybe I could get a job as a Walmart greeter, where I would threaten to sue on hiring practices if refused employment because I am too young, then proceed to sit on my ass and criticize the bovine masses that make up the daily Walmart clientele.

But I could also get extreme.  Maybe move to Mexico and blow sailors for a taste of the daily catch!  Or else find a bridge to live under in Portland and try to establish memories of suffering for a future biography.  Maybe I could just liquidate every possession into enough cash to travel to Europe, get married to a burly spaniard, and father twelve sons to carry on my legacy.  

But we all know that the most likely avenue for me is the futile pursuit of gainful employment, the reluctant acceptance of government aid, a descent into alcoholism and drug addiction, then suicide.  But that, as we all know, is the coward's way out.  Although what better way to leave your job than the way ol' Budd Dwyer did, with a huge mess on the floor?  That guy had style.

She never had ears, and loved the smell of burning hair.  One day she was busy working on the farm, counting dead rats, when her father was accidentally shot with a crossbow.  And after dozens of unsuccessful attempts to revive him by pouring putrid water down his throat she realized she would need to find a new place to live and lay her stench eggs for the coming season's fertilization.

Naturally Thumbles was unable to travel by train, due to her fear of luggage, and elected to brave the thicket forests on foot in search of her Portuguese salvation.  The days went by without notice, and suddenly the thicket forests opened to reveal a large stone ring with eleven hobos gambling on grunting competitions.  Seeing an opportunity to gain the trust of the hobo clan and use it to further her pilgrimage, Thumbles wagered seven rat pelts and won an off-road unicycle, a naval sextant, and seven human teeth by bellowing six day's worth of bellows all at once.  The hobos scratched a likeness of her silhouette on the side of a junkyard car door for the purposes, in her best estimation, for future worship.

With this sizable victory behind her, Thumbles navigated quickly through the painful thicket forest and found herself inside a Portuguese penguin reserve, where the penguins were mostly dying from the lack of icebergs.  Unable to leave the reserve without the penguins after one had saved her injured foot during an automobile accident, Thumbles led a procession of the flightless beasts to the nearest elementary school cafeteria where they hoped to find a suitable refrigeration environment to relieve the avian fatigue.

Once the birds had been secured, they gifted to Thumbles one handful raisins, complete with raisin-eating gloves.  Little did Thumbles know, however, that the very gloves now in her possession were recently used in a local home invasion that resulted in the bludgeoning death of four children.  It was when she was picked up for lewd exposure in Copenhagen that the gloves were tied to the brutal crime, and charges of infanticide were levied against her, and she was set to execution, ironically, by crossbow firing squad.

And so ended the short but brilliant life of Thumbles, the enthusiastic, limbless creature that is best known for bludgeoning small children to death.  They say that in the thicket forests of southern Portugal late at night you can still hear the squeals of the penguins.  They cry out for her, anguished in guilt for the knowledge that she died for their crimes.  And that is why my father won't even allow a picture of a penguin anywhere near his national chain of daycare centers.  

Just Teabaggin'!

Welcome to a new experimental format for Bible Belt Babble.  It is I, "Teabag" himself, here to inform the faithful viewership in order to select the candidate that best represents the ideals of the average American Teabagger.  We are not talking about polite, reasonable, general election-type material, but good old-fashioned GOP primary racist values.  These days the Presidential hopefulls are not able to fully voice their bigotry for fear of damnation by the liberal media, but if you listen with the right kind of ears their beliefs make it out once in a while.  Let's run down the list of the top racist choices for President!

Rick Perry

 Earlier this campaign season we were all told to gasp in horror at the revelation that the Perry family hunting retreat in Texas was marked by a monument near the entrance known as "Niggerhead Rock".  While this may incite the rage of the PC police, it seems positively harmless to anyone that has spent time in the Lone Star State.  In fact, that kind of ambient racism is what earned Rick Perry the Governorship of Texas, and images of the rock were used in local campaign commercials.  And considering the regularity of his public speaking missteps we would have heard a Mel Gibson-like tirade that one time Perry gave a speech while on animal tranquilizers a couple months ago if he had a serious racist agenda.

Ron Paul

 Dr. Paul has a vision of American freedom through international isolationism, shift of governmental power back to the State level, and the abolishment of the Federal Reserve.  This freedom extends to the rights of the individual to infringe on the rights of other individuals, just like the founding fathers intended!  The evidence?  He is in favor of abolishing the Civil Rights Act, has the political support of white supremacy groups (like Stormfront, American Resistance, and the Institute of Historic Review) without disavowing them, and had many comments (insinuating that the distribution of welfare checks ended the LA riots, calling Martin Luther King day "hate whitey day", etc.) printed in his official newsletter.  They say Ron Paul wears his beliefs on his sleeve, and under that sleeve I see a sheet!

Newt Gingritch

 This floundering candidate made a big play for the racist vote this week by requesting an audience with the NAACP so he can deliver his message to black America.  That message?  "the African American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps."  He also referred to Barack Obama as "The best food stamp President in American history!"  While we at the Teabagger Party whole-heartedly agree with these comments, we feel the may be a little forced considering his recent drop in the polls, but we also must admit that it is easy to imagine Newt drunkenly ranting like Michael Richards with tourette's. 

Rick Santorum

 Very little is known about this candidate, mostly because no one has bothered to ask him about anything until recently.  But the one thing we all know about him is that he is deeply religious, and that makes for fertile ground when planting the seeds of racism.  The only time he has stolen the spotlight in the race so far he made a major slip of the tongue when he stated that we should not take money from rich people and give it to black people.   Now most analysts have determined that he meant to say "poor" instead of "black", and the Santorum campaign has flatly denied it even happened (despite ample video coverage).  But this freudian slip reveals much about how the mind values the black contribution to America.

Mitt Romney and John Huntsman

 These guys appear to be pretty clean, but are both mormon, which has a rich history of hating black people.  Read this quote from Brigham Young!

"You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind.

The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of any one of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings.

This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race--that they should be the "servant of servants;" and they will be, until that curse is removed."- Brigham Young-President and second 'Prophet' of the Mormon Church, 1844-1877- Extract from Journal of Discourses.

So while these candidates both have their mormon faith going for them, they both also have the same Achilles' heel:  their mormon faith.  But you weren't going to vote for either of them, were you?

So there you have it, fellow Teabaggers.  You now have a comprehensive diagnosis of the racist ideals of each of the active candidates.  We will leave the decision to you! 

A dear friend of Popular Irony, Sir Chapsworth, recently moved to Cleveland to pursue a career in Culinary Prostitution.  Sir Chapsworth's illustrious travels have never before brought him to Cleveland.  He really does not know what to expect.  Because of this, I decided to help Sir Chapsworth fit in by providing him with some important information concerning the gorgeous city of Cleveland. 

Cleveland was founded in 1814 by a splinter cult of Zoroastrians and has grown steadily ever since.  It is a city of culture, nature and miraculous wonders.  In 2010 Cleveland received the esteemed titles of "Most Miserable City in the USA".  Some refer to it by the name "The mistake by the lake". 

Cleveland has high unemployment rates, high taxes, terrible commuting times, incredibly horrible sports teams, shit weather, tons of pollution and crime is sprinkled throughout the city like a steamy shemale cumshot.  

Fucking Hilarious!

The worlds largest Hobo Jungle is located several hundred feet beneath Cleveland.  "Cleveland Below" as it is called, is rife with inbred monstrosities and deformed violent rapists.  Generations of circus freaks and escaped criminals have called Cleveland Below home since the mid 19th century.  Supposedly an illusive and mythical "King Hobo" reigns over Cleveland Below, getting the first pick at the food scraps and first rut with the toothless females that fill the ranks of his harem.  The citizens of Cleveland always carry a jar of "Miracle Whip" in case they are accosted by a Cleveland Below Hobo.  Miracle Whip is one of the only things that can soothe the savage freak.  Most of the monster like hobos only come out at night, so tread carefully and always have a spare jar of the MirWhip on hand as payment to prevent a savage raping.

Once you learn how to deal with monsters of Cleveland Below you can fully enjoy Cleveland Above.  Did you know that the Rock and Roll Museum is in Cleveland?  You did?!  Did you care?  Me neither........

Shirley Jackson's short story "The Lottery" was based on the antics of Clevelandites.  To this day, on June 27th,  the citizens of Cleveland come out in force and ritualistically murder one of their own to keep the forces of evil from taking niblets of their souls.  The event is eagerly anticipated.  There are carnival rides, concerts, the children put on morality plays and one lucky person gets stoned to death in Cleveland Browns Stadium.  This event is one of the only times the citizens of Cleveland enjoy themselves at a Cleveland sports facility.  Keep your fingers crossed Sir Chapsworth.  One day you may be the lucky winner of a death by bludgeoning.

Cleveland has the highest rate of prostitution murders in the world.  Prostitute hunting is legal in the greater Cuyahoga river area.  There are only a couple dozen "Ho tags" available per year and the waiting list can sometimes take several decades.  The wild game (prostitute) must be above 50 years of age and must be female.  If a careless hunter accidentally bags a transsexual prostitute they can be fined several hundred dollars by the Cleveland Game Warden and their kill is confiscated.  Be sure to track your prey carefully and observe their actions.  If while tracking your quarry, you see them fulfill the duties of a "top", it's best to move on and find a new target.  Strap-on or no, it's not worth the risk.

 In closing, we at Popular Irony wish Sir Chapsworth the best in all his endeavors.  If you are from Cleveland and disagree with my astute assumption of Cleveland's history and activities, please leave a comment.  I'm sure we will be able to decipher you clumsy keyboard fist poundings and we look forward to your thoughts.  Cleveland Rocks!!!!?

Welcome to another satisfying edition of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly, where we put the "I" back in "I can't stop masturbating".  Tonight is a special time, as we are introducing our first-ever female solo sex issue!  We will review some of the health benefits of lady masturbation, discuss wanking as a muse for women songwriters, and as always, will include another installment of diff'rent strokes.

Quick! Someone get a vibrator!

It has been widely documented that vigorous and regular masturbation has numerous physical health benefits for women, including preventing/relieving cervical or urinary tract infections, lowering the risk for type-2 diabetes, and for use in combatting insomnia.  While these are all glorious benefits, the beginnings of female masturbation within the medical field start with a "catch all" diagnosis of the 19th century, hysteria.  A woman could be declared hysterical for exhibiting a wide variety of symptoms that included irritability, nervousness, insomnia, or lack of appetite.  It became a common practice for doctors to manually stimulate the clitoris of hysterical women to "treat" their symptoms.  An electric vibrator was created to allow for less labor intensive orgasm administration, as certain docs became increasingly popular and enjoyed repeat business.  A home version became available in the Sears catalog in 1918 and allowed for the same quick release at home without the danger of ruining one's manicured nails!  These replacement boyfriends have changed dramatically over the years, but most models retain the trademark buzzing action of the original models.

Musical Masturbators

In the male dominated society of most western cultures over the past few centuries, men have enjoyed a liberation of sorts in regards to their masturbatory habits.  It has become socially accepted to declare one's self as a male masturbator, and to jokingly refer to the practice.  But only in the last few decades have women been able to publicly admit that they too take part in personal pleasure play, and have found their lives fulfilled and inspired by it.  Here we celebrate the top three masturbation-themed songs written and performed by women.

"Icicle" by Tori Amos

 And when my hand touches myself,

I can finally rest my head.

And when they take from his body,

I think I'll take from mine instead,

Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs.

"She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper

Hey, hey, they say I better get a chaperone,

Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone.

No, I won't worry, and I won't fret,

Ain't no law against it yet.

Oop, she bop, she bop.

"I Touch Myself" by the DiVinyls

I don't want anybody else,

When I think about you I touch myself,

Ooh oh ahh!

Diff'rent Strokes

The Snap Shot:

 This indelicate maneuver shocks the sensitive nerve endings of the clitoris to aggressive climax.  This is a low-tech option for the budget masturbator, and a personal favorite among self loathing emo chicks.

The Power Thrill:

 Orgasm is the only recourse when one applies this electric drill modification.  Simply apply a greased cork to the end of any serviceable electric drill and apply to the clitoris at varying speeds for full manual control of the time of release.  The top of the drill can easily support the mounting of a small webcam for additional profit-seeking potential!

Until next time, keep loving yourself!