Good evening, dear readers. Another treat for you to enjoy, I have five days of flatulence and shitting all detailed. And it might be worth mentioning that if any one of you are employed as a licensed proctologist I would appreciate a professional review of my leavings. But enough of that nonsense, and on to the pooping!

Friday, March 8

There is something about the end of the week that complicates my bowels. It feels like my colon is tied in knots, and if the dry consistency of my dump is any indication, I must be in the throes of some severe dehydration. For the sake of science I decided to fish out the floating mass and crush it between my fingers, revealing a flaky and course texture that seemed dry enough to serve as fire starting material. After thoroughly washing my hands I decided to drink a few glasses of water. Size was a paltry 2.0, but speed of movement and stench both scored high at 4.5.

Saturday, March 10

To add some more data to my experiment I decided today to eat two full cans of corn, then abstain from corn intake and track how long it takes for the kernels to stop appearing in my poo mass. Eating that much corn in a short timeframe is more difficult than it seems, and upset my guttyworks for the rest of the day. At roughly 3pm I emitted a loose coil with the consistency of soft serve icecream. The poo radiated a noticeable warmth from a few inches away but only registered a 2.5 on the stench scale. Size was hard to judge due to the tendency for it to break apart on contact with the water, but speed of movement and ease of cleanup were both low, around 1.0.

Sunday, March 11

I was startled to find the corn was making its way through my system as early as 9am this morning. Clearly regaining some form from the creamy consistency last night, the poo fell out of me in disjointed lumps, not falling apart, but also not entirely solid. Corn was throughout and if washed could pass as undigested. Ease of movement was 3.0, smell was at about a 2.0, but cleanup proved to be a difficult 4.0 due to some entanglement issues with my ass hair.

Monday, March 12

There was not much colonic activity all day, but shortly after 6pm I forced out a loaf that was almost entirely corn. I wonder if I derived any nutrition at all from those cans a few days ago, as very little appeared to be digested at all. Cleanup was an easy 2.0, but it must be said that when I changed out of my underwear for the end of the night I discovered a few escaped kernels that proved I could have wiped better. Odor and size were irrelevant, as it was all corn.

Tuesday, March 13

At work this morning I tried, seemingly in vain, to work out a movement. Although it was mostly flatulence I am certain there was some substance to it, but since I was using an industrial strength handicapped toilet, the evidence apparently slipped down the pipe to never be seen again. The wiping required some effort and a few handfuls of tp that produced an oily residue, good for a 3.0 on cleanup.

Will the corn ever stop? Will a diet rich in dairy cause a change in consistency next week? Find out next time when I give more detail on my dumpies on dump diary!

A few days ago I started to track and describe my bowel movements. For science. I am tracking consistency, relative size, production effort, smell, and ease of cleanup all on a 1-5 scale. I promise you that my personal defecation records will be the most interesting and enlightening thing you read today.

Monday, March 4

I slept in until around 9:30 am when the pressure awakened me. Approximately eleven inches of light colored feces in an unbroken and moist chain were produced with little effort, scored at a 4 for size and 2 for effort, respectively. Smell was horrendous due to the protruding iceburg-like posture of the coil, 4.5. After several wasted handfuls of tp I resigned to the shower as the most thorough and practical option, also 4.5.

Tuesday, March 5

Had to shit when I awakened, unable to since I had to go to work. After settling in the office I visited the stall to produce a football-shaped oval of lumpy and dense poo, size rating only 2.0, although the wide midsection bottlenecked and caused a roughly seven minute shitting time, with an effort rating of 3.5. Judging by the red streak running longitudinally through the mass I should have taken more time or eaten more fiber yesterday. Smell almost nonexistent and wiping effort minimal, both at 1.0.

Wednesday, March 6

All day long I could sense the warmth of a burgeoning shit inside me. I worked through the afternoon with anticipation of the ripening in my bowels, but was unable to coax the beast out of me despite the performance of poop calisthenics (deep squats, leg lifts, and crunches). No poo to rate, and overall quite concerning.

Thursday, March 7

My concern deepened this morning when I was still unable to relieve the growing colonic pressure. I worked through the day without time or urge to complete the act. Upon returning home from work I was able to spark the breach by the consumption of two microwave burritos. A risky gamble that paid off. Produced two dark links of poo about eight inches long each, quite quickly. Almost startlingly quick, rating 1.0. Diameter was roughly the girth of a baby's arm and quite solid, rated 4.0. Smell and cleanup were both formidable, necessitating the implementation of both dampened tp and some odor coverup by air freshener and closing the bathroom door, which remained closed for the rest of the evening. Easily both could be rated a steady 4.5.

I will continue tracking my movements for your reading pleasure, and may consider experimental shitting such as documenting "tracer foods" that can be visible post-defecation. Until then, happy shitting!