Hey there, movie people. It's me, Frisky Pete! Sorry I haven't been making movie writings for a while, but I have been spending most of my time at the free clinic getting critters scraped out of my leg wound. Having only one leg is real tough, especially if it keeps getting infected and smells like cheese all the time.

I was able to sneak into the movie house the other day and see the new Revengers movie. They said it was in 3D but all I saw was blurry. I bet the other people in the movie house only saw blurry too, since they all had to put on their glasses to see it right. I can't afford any glasses to see good. But I did get lucky because I spent the first ten minutes after the lights went out going through the trash cans by the door, and they hadn't cleaned them out from the previous movie! I got bunches of popcorn but most of it was wet and sticky with pop, but tasted way better than the dogfood in my pocket that I snuck in with me!

 The movie had a bunch of really powerful people breaking things a lot, and there was one that I really thought was cool. He was a big green man that yelled and broke everything in his way. I spent most of the movie waiting for him to start raping everyone in the movie, but he never did. That made me think the movie was not very realistic, since anyone that was that strong would definitely rape everyone he ran into. There was another guy that was red and had rocket feet, and another that had a really big hammer, like a super carpenter or something. But none of them were as neat as the giant green dude that wasn't raping anybody.

 I got pretty confused at what was happening in this movie, mostly since all the bright flashing lights kept giving me seizures. Every time my seizure stopped people were clapping in the movie house, so I felt pretty good that they were happy I was ok. Luckily I peed when I was having a seizure so I didn't have to go to the bathroom and risk getting thrown out like what happened to me last time. The movie house people are mean because they always seem to know that I don't have a ticket, even before I start running away from them.

 But in the end of the movie all the powerful people killed a bunch of flying insect men and then the movie ended. When everyone was leaving the movie I followed a woman who was walking, and when she got home I reached through her window and took her cat. It's a real good cat but it has only been two days and it's eye is already swollen shut. If I can remember where she lives I might give it back and try to take another person's cat. One without gross eye problems.

 But now I am back at the clinic and getting my bandage replaced. This clinic is better than the other ones because they don't have any stairs to hop up, and the one lady that scraped my leg last time is really nice, and has a big house with two cats inside it. I asked her about the cats but she got really weird and now she doesn't come into the clinic anymore. Maybe I'll stop by her house to talk about her cats. Maybe she wants to trade for a cat that has only one good eye.

 If my leg gets better I am going to go to another movie soon, but I don't know which one. I guess it doesn't matter, since I mostly only go there to stare at people and eat popcorn and candy. See you again sometime soon, internet people!

Due to the negative perception of society on prostitution, it can be quite hard to ensure you are paying a reasonable price when acquiring sexual services. Now traditional sex is rather straight-forward, and subject to a pricing scale that is dictated by the attractiveness of the prostitute you are soliciting. But when you have more unique tastes that require access to "premium services" there is very little documentation to establish a fair market price. So how do you ensure you aren't getting screwed when you are getting screwed? That's where Popular irony comes in. Take a look at the below to get an idea of what kind of depravity you can afford, all conveniently expressed in relative scale to the base price of the whore of your choosing.

Pseudonecrophilia - This is the act of fucking someone who is pretending to be dead. Participants are generally seeking an alternative to the real deal that, while still illegal, is less socially deplorable and subject to far more lenient punitive consequences. This one is on the low scale of the pricing range, but still requires some additional compensation due to the disturbing nature of the act, and the implied performance strain on the prostitute. You should be paying 110% of the base price, plus any post-coital tip.

The Premium Finish - These acts conclude normal sex practices with a humiliating or abusive act during ejaculation. These can be costly due to the loss of work the prostitute can suffer while recovering, and should ALWAYS be negotiated prior to being performed. Failure to do so can put you on the wrong end of a pimp hand, or worse. Varieties include The Long John Silver (jizz in her eye, then kick her in the leg causing her to hop around on one foot), The King Kong (give her a facial, then tear off a handful of your pubic hair and throw it in her face, making her look like a gorilla), The Strawberry Shortcake (give her a facial then punch her in the nose, mixing blood and semen), and countless other variants. The proper going rate for such an act is 120% - 140% of her base rate, subject to her discretion. Anything over should be considered price-gouging.

Emetophilia - This is described as the act of vomiting on your partner during erotic play. Common varieties include The Mexican Sizzle (vomiting on your partner after a meal consisting of primarily hot peppers), and The Cosby Sweater (vomiting on you partner after eating colorful children's breakfast cereal). For some reason these acts are traditionally given more attractive rates than the premium finish, probably due to the added risk of infection paired with the rather routine nature of abuse in the average prostitute's lifestyle. You should not pay above 130%, not including the price of the preparatory meal.

Scat Play - This is the act of shitting on, or being shit on, during the act of sexual intercourse. These acts are given an "urban legend" cultural status, and include The Glass-Bottom Boat (covering the face in plastic cling wrap and shitting all over it), and The Cleveland Steamer (shitting on the chest, then sitting in it and rolling the buttocks up and down the torso). The life of a fecophile is a costly one, mostly because, well... people don't want to get shit on. Expect to pay a full 200% of any whore's going rate to get your shit-fix, and not a dollar less. It is an unspoken rule in the sex industry that being covered in a stranger's shit is difficult to negotiate, even in the best of conditions (as when in the company of low-value, crack-addicted, desperate whores).

As always, we here at Popular Irony are open to the requests of our faithful viewers. If anyone has a personal favorite act that we might have missed, feel free to leave a comment or email us at popularirony@gmail.com for a prompt reply. Happy fornicating!

Happy Mother's Day!  In celebration of this most matriarchal of holidays, we present a Popular Irony Internet Art Show.  Today's subject is a notorious tabloid mother, The Octomom.  I Googled "Octomom Art" copy and pasted some bitlets and pics and voila, the artful results!

First up is some sort of plastic Octomom Sculpture.  Simply astounding... just look at the line work and the... the .... sculptedness.

Ah!   I like this one.  It is titles "Octomom the Supervillian".  Tube of sperm, turkey baster, nipple hat and not to mention the 8 exposed breasts.  The misspelling of the word "Supervillain" only adds to the mystique surrounding this piece.

Hey!  It's some sort of Octomom  pedal scooter or something..... This exhibit is really missing some exsposed breasts.  C-

Up until now, I never thought stretch marks were sexy.  This sculpture just reaffirms past beliefs.  I was shocked when the babies were actually born and didn't just burrow their way out of her stomach like rabid voles.

Her belly is full of blue veins like an fine, stinky cheese.

So I'm not supposed to be aroused by this?  I mean art is in the eye of the beholder, right?

Finally!  A piece of art that really speaks to me!  Birthing buttered pancakes!  I think this piece really captures the meaning and purpose behind Mother's day.  The Octomom being crucified for our entertainment while a salivating Angelina Jolie and Madonna gyrate over her freshly birthed pancake pile. I have stared into the abyss and pancakes stared back.

I hope our Internet Art trip was as fun for you as it was for me.  I'm am sure we will go on a journey together again... one day... when I need an easy, quick, lazy post.  Happy Mother's Day!!

It's time for another installment of Films for Fiends, my attempt to view and review the most horrifying videos of all time... you know, so you don't have to. Tonight I will detail the 1988 shock horror classic The Men Behind The Sun which detail the WWII atrocities committed by the Japanese at the dubious Unit 731 facility. The film is directed by Mou Tun-fei and runs about 105 mins.

It is first necessary to admit that this film, while presented as a factual account of the happenings located at Unit 731 during wartime, is directed by a Chinese man and has some elements of an exploitation film. But it is certainly not hard to imagine that the Japanese were involved in atrocious medical testing that mirrored the horrible experiments of Dr. Josef Mengele, as the Japanese were allied with the Nazis at the time. The director received criticism and even death threats from Japanese citizens after the film's release, and it is banned in several countries.

The plot follows a group of children who are sent to the frozen backdrop of Unit 731, based in what is now Northeast China, as recruits to participate in experimentation on Chinese citizens for the purposes of creating new and powerful biological weapons. For the first third of the film we see the children adapting to life on the base and learning the Unit 731 style of harsh discipline. The children play with a deaf-mute Chinese boy that lives in the surrounding area, and get into trouble for playing with a red ball. It is clear their commanding officers are trying to toughen them up.

The children are slowly exposed to the horror of the medical experiments that are being undertaken. They are taught to think of the Chinese as non-humans, and are forced to beat them as part of their indoctrination. In one horrible scene a Chinese woman is forced to stand in the snow with her arms extended while a guard pours cold water over them, stopping only to break the long icicles from her forearms. The torture lasts for over ten hours until she is taken into a room in front of the children, forced to dip her frozen arms in boiling water (which seemingly causes no pain due to the death of her tissue) and a "scientist" grabs her forearms and rips all the flesh from them in one smooth motion.

The disturbing experiments include throwing a live cat in a room full of ravenous rats to be torn to shreds, tying live subjects to crucifixes for the purposes of target practice, the use of pressure chambers to kill people by causing their intestines to vacate their orifices, and live dissections of human subjects to ensure "freshness" of harvested organs. Their efforts are focused on developing a ceramic bomb containing fleas infected with a brutal strain of bubonic plague to be used in the fight against the allies in the war.

But the children become disillusioned with the experiments when one boy witnesses the live dissection of the deaf-mute boy, which was controversial for the use of a genuine child's corpse in the scene, complete with still-beating heart. Soon after, the tides of war turn against the Japanese and they are forced to abandon Unit 731, leaving the facility burning as to hide the terror of their experiments. In the final scene the fleeing Japanese troops weed out a disguised Chinese boy in their midst, and impale him with a length of pipe, spraying blood across a Japanese flag in a rather cheesy image of pure propaganda.

The film is mostly shocking for the use of actual human remains, and two scenes of animal torture where the cat is fed to live rats and the rats are later set on fire. While these scenes are designed to add to the sense of horror, they ultimately discredit it as shock cinema and prevent it's message from being absorbed by the wider world audience.

I would say that personally I found this film to be less shocking than I had hoped, but I enjoyed some of it's creativity in death scenes. It is also not without it's humorous moments. I particularly enjoyed the character of one crazy old man that was tasked with continually feeding an incinerator with pieces of corpses. He is forcibly dragged out of the facility while it is burning at the end, laughing wildly. It reminds me somewhat of Faces of Death with a plotline, where scenes of real violence and gore are punctuated by obvious cheap special effects, and the grainy film gives it a dark ambiance. This film sparked my interest in the history of Unit 731, and I plan on watching the recent documentary film Philosophy of a Knife to further my knowledge on the subject.

So there you have it, another disturbing film review down. Next week I will be watching the foreign film Nekromantik for your reading pleasure. Until then, sweet dreams!

Nachos?!  Did you say nachos!?  I fucking love nachos!!  There was this one time... back in Yamville... I totally banged this chick on a huge pile of nachos.  We did the greasy thrust and dined on floor nachos for hours!  It was the best night of my life.  Since then, I have had dozens of "Nacho Parties" or "Nachos con Carnal".

You too can have "Nachos con Carnal"  You only need a few items to have some very memorable love making.  You need an empty room no bigger than 8x8', a clean industrial tarp, a trusting partner or partners (preferably chubby), 50 - 60 bags of your favorite corn chips and 30 - 50 boxes of Velveeta "cheese".

Make sure that the tarp is large enough to be securely mounted to the walls of the room while making a loose but sturdy "bowl" in the center.  Fill the tarp bowl with all of the corn chips.  Make sure that the entire tarp is covered in at least 2" of chips.  The "cheese" is a little more time and energy consuming.  Get the largest cooking pots you can find, fill them with "cheese" and turn the heat on low.  It can be hard to have enough room to melt all of that "cheese".  You can do what I do.  Cut the top off a beer keg and heat it with a large propane stove.  The neighbors always wonder what I am doing with all that steaming, cheese filled keg in my front yard.  Keep guessing assholes!!

Once your cheese is melted, liberally apply it to the waiting chips.  You now have a nacho fucking dream come true.  Just wait for your Craigslist visitors to arrive and get to the fucking and feasting.  I'll tell you, you haven't lived until you've eaten soiled nachos off a strangers ass. 

The party ends when all the nachos have been consumed.  That includes the thick Velveeta layer covering the bodies of every member of this filthy fiesta.  Oh yeah, and Velveeta is a natural spermicide so No Condoms Required!!  MMMMM Rawdog and Nachos, a feast for a king.

That is mostly cheese....... cheese and semen.

Alright, I guess I'll just say it... I got my dick stuck in a jar. It was one of those little baby food jars, and I was fooling around and decided to try and cram my wiener into it. Once I got the head in it started to feel pretty good so I pushed real hard and I heard a sort of... farting noise. Well I guess that was the sound of some air escaping the bottle and now I am trapped.

I tried lubing my shaft up but that just made the problem worse, since now I have an airtight seal that only intensifies the suction. When I try to pull the bottle off my cock head grows to like, three times normal size and turns a deep purple color and I am terrified that it is going to explode.

I know what you are thinking... "it will just fall off when you lose your boner", right? The problem is that the whole ting feels really good, and I have already ejaculated three times without losing my erection. And as if I weren't already in trouble, the semen in the jar keeps forcing out a little more air making the suction action even more intense!

I refuse to entertain the idea of breaking the jar. This might be the most rigid erection I have ever had and I know the glass would sever my cock and probably kill me, and no one wants their corpse to be found in that condition. At first I thought I could just wait the whole thing out, but goddamn it, this erection just can't be satisfied. I even tried to drink away the boner with a liter of whiskey, but I just woke up on the floor six hours later with a hangover AND A BABY FOOD JAR ON MY COCK!

It has almost been a whole day since I made the foolish decision to attempt to make love to a food container, and the situation has only gotten worse. I missed work this morning because I have a massive whiskey headache and a near-suicidal level of shame. I can't even put on pants due to the added girth of a bottle on my already massive erection, and calling an ambulance is out of the question.

Now I am sitting here, trying to decide how this situation can be resolved, and staring down at my misfortune with a growing level of personal shame, unable to curb my disgust at the unstoppable arousal despite the image of a smiling upside-down child staring up at me... judging me.

It is at trying times like these that one tends to ponder the true strength of his friendships with others. Anyone who would help a friend in circumstances as dire as mine would be a true friend indeed. So I was wondering... we have been bros for a long time, and I really need your help right now, so would you be willing to go by the hardware store and buy a power drill and a glass drill bit? If we could relieve the vacuum then there might be a light at the end of this extremely dark tunnel. So would you? Would you please be my savior?

Hello Friends and loyal readers.  I have to apologize in advance for this post.  It will be short and very little work will be put into it.  You might as well leave this website right now.  The reason for this lack of effort is due to the fact that Minecraft was released on XBOX Today!! 

We at Popular Irony are big fans of Minecraft and have anticipated it's XBOX release for months.  I am now going to fire up the Box, shove some Qdoba down my food pit and play some o' the Craft.  It better not suck.

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Police brutality has long been suspected by the American public and experienced first-hand by minority populations, but the various institutions that have been accused have been quite successful at defending against any claim of wrongdoing. They claim that any excessive violence is not systemic, and when they are unable to deny the brutal nature of the crime altogether they blame the "unfortunate incident" on a few "bad apples" and promptly fire the officers involved, usually without bringing any criminal charges.

Enter the invention of the video camera. In the early '90s we all got to see the sad truth when the Rodney King tape went public. The police were exonerated of any criminal penalty and well... we all know what happened after that. Now we are living in an age where cops can pepper spray peaceful demonstrators without fear of retribution, and boldly attack the citizens they serve in the face of dozens of cellphone and security cameras.

Now before you go crying foul at this commentary and call me a hippie, I need to make clear that I understand that the vast majority of police are dutifully serving the public and have character that is beyond reproach. But that makes it even more important to hand out extremely harsh penalties to any officer found guilty of brutality. Why is it that committing violence against an officer of the law carries far greater penalties than committing equal crimes against private citizens? Should not the same logic be applied to police that are found to have violated their sworn oath to "protect and serve"? I think yes, and the penalties should be even more severe as dirty cops violate the public trust.

The reason I decided to go off on a decidedly unfunny rant today is that I viewed the Kelly Thomas video today. For those of you that are not aware, the video was released publicly during the trial of officers Manuel Ramos and Jay Cicinelli, who are being charged in the death of a homeless schizophrenic man in Fullerton, CA last July 5th. In the video you can see a clearly disoriented Kelly Thomas being given orders to "put your hands on your knees". When he keeps moving his hands officer Ramos puts on latex gloves and says "See my fists? They are getting ready to fuck you up!"

Unfortunately Thomas chooses not to fear the officer who was trying to terrify him. "Well, start punching then" Thomas says, sealing his fate. The next ten minutes of video show an increasing number of cops appearing on scene and dog-piling on top of Thomas while he screams for mercy. He complains he cannot breath, and the cops repeatedly shout "stop resisting!", a convenient phrase that allows them to continue beating him and liberally applying the use of a taser. The last words Thomas ever spoke were "Dad, they're killing me...", referring to Kelly Thomas' father, a former police officer himself. The victim died several days later while in a coma from his injuries.

Thomas' injuries

Officer Ramos' injuries

The crime scene

Ron Thomas, the victim's father, claims he was offered $900,000 by the city of Fullerton to "go away" and allow the officers involved to go unpunished. Thankfully he declined and two of the cops involved are facing murder charges.

Lets hope justice is served, and let the wrath of the law be swift against those wolves in sheep's clothing that so boldly victimize us.  If not for the sake of the Thomas family, then for the sake of the state of California and honorable police officers everywhere. California could do without another public uprising and riot.

Awwwwwwww Shit!  I got me some real live, motherfucking BattleFish!!  Rimmy at the pet store said that they are super rare and super fucking bad-ass!  Eventually they are going to metamorphose into a cocoon or some shit.  Watch the fuck out for when those fuckers hatch!  Rimmy said that they will run on land and eat pigeons and shit.  They all have different powers and skills.  You can give them little swords and shields and the motherfuckers battle, Gladiator Style!! 

I picked the 2 most brutal looking ones.  A Magma Demon BattleFish and a Death's Shroud BattleFish.  Sure they don't look like much now, but just fucking wait.  Rimmy was right, these are so worth the $200.  The Magma Demon is supposed to turn into a dragon-like monster with flaming wings.  If you think that's bad-ass, well the Death's Shroud turns into a being of pure, living shadow.  I know, right!?

 First I need to acclimate them to the water temperature of my 30 Gallon Whiskey Barrel Battle Arena.  Rimmy said that at this stage the BattleFish are still vulnerable so I must be patient in adding them to their new domain.  After a few minutes, I open the bag and add a scoop of water from the arena.  Rimmy said it has something to do with the PH or some such shit.

Every few minutes I add another scoop of water.  Slowly but surely, the water in the bag will be the same as the water outside the bag.  Fuckin' science and shit. But if I do it right, they will mature.  Rimmy said they will mature in as quickly as 7 days or as slowly as 50 years.  Either way, I am fucking in!

Once the waters are the same, you can add them to their Battle Arena!  Rimmy said I need to be careful and slowly pour them in.  I don't want to scare them.  I need them to think I am their master.  With hard work, one day they will imprint on me.  Rimmy said I need to spend 2 hours a day making unbroken eye contact with my new familiars.  Eventually they will start following my commands.  He also said that if they mature and they don't see me as dominant, I will be the first to be torn asunder by their voluminous rage.

I am confidant that I am mature and responsible enough to raise these monsters into adulthood and into a promising career in the underground BattleFish fighting circuit.  Rimmy says I can make millions with a powerful BattleFish.  Until then, I need to feed them a pinch of Goldfish food everyday and do a 25% water change every week.  With patience and dedication, one day my savage servants will smite my enemies and win me a shit ton of money!!  Next, I just need to think of names for my monsters.  Really cool, bad-ass, fucking names.......

Melvin was a monkey who was raised in the deep of the cocoabrush woods, where the monkeys all lived in harmony. All the boy monkeys looked exactly the same, with light brown scruffy bodies and long tails. And while all the girl monkeys looked different from the boy monkeys they all looked exactly like the other girl monkeys, with smaller bodies, short dark fur and shorter tails. And since all the girl monkeys looked alike there was no jealousy or envy, and since the boy monkeys were all evenly matched there was no fighting or war. It was a perfect little monkey society.

But while Melvin looked the same as the other boy monkeys he was very different inside. Melvin knew he would never belong with the boy monkeys, and grew to resent his mother and father for not making him a girl. He wanted very badly to be a girl monkey, and since he was little he tried to be one.

He tried to groom his fur to look very short, and darkened it with mud. But he still didn't look right. It was his tail. Melvin found the sharpest rock in the forest and cut the end of his tail off. It was very painful, and made him bleed and bleed. But he was so very happy, because now he could go live with the girl monkeys. Melvin climbed the big tree at the edge of the cocoabrush woods, where all the girl monkeys lived, and happily presented himself to them.

"I'm Melvin!" He said. "I made myself a girl monkey. I came to live with you!"

The girl monkeys all laughed. "You can't make yourself a girl monkey! You are far too big to be a girl. Did you cut your tail off? How awful!" One of the girl monkeys said. "Look girls, look at his muddy fur and bloody tail! What a disgusting boy monkey!" The girl monkeys were all laughing so hard that they fell down and were nearly falling off their branches.

Melvin thought about the boy monkeys. They would never let him come live with them with his short tail. And the girl monkeys thought he was a sad joke, and didn't want him to live with them either. He saw red.

Melvin let out a savage scream and bore his teeth to the girl monkeys. They all stopped laughing. He grabbed the nearest girl monkey and pulled both her arms off, screaming angrily as he tore her apart. One by one Melvin attacked the girl monkeys, throwing some down to the hard forest floor below, and ripping some into pieces where they stood. He was much larger than the girl monkeys, and was so angry that he killed all the girls, even his own mother.

The boy monkeys had all gathered at the base of the girls' tree, watching in horror as their mangled corpses rained down to the floor of the cocoabrush woods. The monkeys had never seen hate before, and were all shocked in horror. And after the last girl monkey had been killed, and her body thrown to the foliage below, the boy monkeys heard a loud cry.

Melvin never came down from the girl monkey's tree. He just cried and cried until he eventually starved. The boy monkeys went on living their lives, hardened by the carnage they witnessed that day. But there were no girl monkeys to mate with anymore, so there were no more baby monkeys. In time the entire society of monkeys died off, leaving nothing but a pile of monkey bones in the forest. It was almost as if the monkey society never existed.

We could all learn a lot from Melvin the monkey. Respect the LGBT community, because if you don't they might tear us all to pieces and destroy our society.