Dilly Tinkle Dum was a Fairy.  A wonderfully plump and happy Fairy.  Dilly Tinkle Dum had a happy life with his happy little Fairy family.  Everything was simply wonderful in Dilly Tinkle Dum’s life until he made a silly mistake.

One day Dilly Tinkle Dum finished work early at Wispy Puffs Tickle Factory.  Dilly Tickle Dum was great at making tickles.  His manager, Papa Grumblehuff was so proud of Dilly’s work, that he took him to Madame Toadstool’s Drink Garden and treated him to several large thimbles full of flower water.  Dilly Tinkle Dum does not drink flower water very often, so he was no used to its silly, intoxicating affects.  

After several hours of laughing with Papa Grumblehuff, Dilly Tinkle Dum climbed onto the back of his adorable field mouse and started to make the journey home.  Dilly knew he had to drive carefully, that flower water was making his head silly and fuzzy.  Dilly was only 2 flower patches away from his house when something terrible happened.

Dilly Tinkle Dum, his head swimming with flower water, fell asleep while riding his adorable field mouse.  The adorable field mouse, with nobody to steer it, drifted off the well used mouse trail and right into Granny Sweetcandy’s preschool playground.  

The playground has a fence made of sturdy twigs to keep the pedo-goblins from accessing the cutey pie Fairy kids.  The fence would be the Fairy kids undoing that day.  Dilly Tinkle Dum’s adorable field mouse, traveling at a dangerous speed, busted through the playground gate, collapsing it at the peak of recess.  

The tiny, fleeing Fairies were no match for the uncontrolled girth of the adorable field mouse.  Tiny angelic Fairy child after tiny angelic Fairy was ruthlessly trampled by the out of control adorable field mouse.  Fairy children rushed to the walls, fruitlessly tried to scramble up their protective fence to safety.  The ricocheting adorable field mouse bounced from wall to wall, mashing the tiny Fairies into a sweet scented, pink, sparkly paste.  At some point during the carnage, Dilly Tinkle Dum was ejected from his furry conveyance.  With his unconscious foot no longer pushing the adorable field mouse forward, it slowly coasted to a fuzzy, adorable stop.

Dilly Tinkle Dum awoke to the sounds of panic screams and inconsolable crying.  Every Fairy child from across the enchanted kingdom attended Granny Sweetcandy’s school.  The loss of life was staggering. 

Fairy parents were only capable of gathering enough magic to make in their lifetimes to make one Fairy baby each.  With all the Fairy children crushed or maimed, the Fairy population became extinct within three generations.  Drinking and driving is the reason that magic has faded from our realm.  If you drink and drive, you fucking hate magic.

Melvin was a monkey who was raised in the deep of the cocoabrush woods, where the monkeys all lived in harmony. All the boy monkeys looked exactly the same, with light brown scruffy bodies and long tails. And while all the girl monkeys looked different from the boy monkeys they all looked exactly like the other girl monkeys, with smaller bodies, short dark fur and shorter tails. And since all the girl monkeys looked alike there was no jealousy or envy, and since the boy monkeys were all evenly matched there was no fighting or war. It was a perfect little monkey society.

But while Melvin looked the same as the other boy monkeys he was very different inside. Melvin knew he would never belong with the boy monkeys, and grew to resent his mother and father for not making him a girl. He wanted very badly to be a girl monkey, and since he was little he tried to be one.

He tried to groom his fur to look very short, and darkened it with mud. But he still didn't look right. It was his tail. Melvin found the sharpest rock in the forest and cut the end of his tail off. It was very painful, and made him bleed and bleed. But he was so very happy, because now he could go live with the girl monkeys. Melvin climbed the big tree at the edge of the cocoabrush woods, where all the girl monkeys lived, and happily presented himself to them.

"I'm Melvin!" He said. "I made myself a girl monkey. I came to live with you!"

The girl monkeys all laughed. "You can't make yourself a girl monkey! You are far too big to be a girl. Did you cut your tail off? How awful!" One of the girl monkeys said. "Look girls, look at his muddy fur and bloody tail! What a disgusting boy monkey!" The girl monkeys were all laughing so hard that they fell down and were nearly falling off their branches.

Melvin thought about the boy monkeys. They would never let him come live with them with his short tail. And the girl monkeys thought he was a sad joke, and didn't want him to live with them either. He saw red.

Melvin let out a savage scream and bore his teeth to the girl monkeys. They all stopped laughing. He grabbed the nearest girl monkey and pulled both her arms off, screaming angrily as he tore her apart. One by one Melvin attacked the girl monkeys, throwing some down to the hard forest floor below, and ripping some into pieces where they stood. He was much larger than the girl monkeys, and was so angry that he killed all the girls, even his own mother.

The boy monkeys had all gathered at the base of the girls' tree, watching in horror as their mangled corpses rained down to the floor of the cocoabrush woods. The monkeys had never seen hate before, and were all shocked in horror. And after the last girl monkey had been killed, and her body thrown to the foliage below, the boy monkeys heard a loud cry.

Melvin never came down from the girl monkey's tree. He just cried and cried until he eventually starved. The boy monkeys went on living their lives, hardened by the carnage they witnessed that day. But there were no girl monkeys to mate with anymore, so there were no more baby monkeys. In time the entire society of monkeys died off, leaving nothing but a pile of monkey bones in the forest. It was almost as if the monkey society never existed.

We could all learn a lot from Melvin the monkey. Respect the LGBT community, because if you don't they might tear us all to pieces and destroy our society.