I am a recently divorced father of one beautiful, wonderful daughter.  My wife of twelve years left me after a lengthy extramarital affair, and since she has a much better career and can provide a much better life for my daughter, I did not challenge her request for full custody.  I now greatly regret that decision.  My ex wife has turned my daughter against me to the point that she now refuses my phone calls and does not respond to my email.  I have no proof, but I am pretty sure my ex has been throwing away the birthday and Christmas gifts I have been sending.  And now I hear that she is planning to move halfway across the country and I may lose my daughter forever!  I have no way of preventing this without at least partial custody, and I am at odds with the situation.  Please help!

Floundering Father, Jacksonville FL

Dear Floundering Floridian,

The loss of a child-parent bond is one of the most tragic events in a family, and one of the most difficult problems to solve.  The longer the connection is cut the less likely it will ever be repaired, and it may be beyond saving.  The good news is that your daughter's estranged relationship can still be leveraged against your ex wife in a very satisfying vendetta setup.  

I have a suggestion that will ensure you ruin the life of your former soulmate, however you are going to need to accept the loss of your relationship with your daughter.  This means cutting off all contact with her and encouraging an environment that will allow her to forget about you entirely.  Considering you were married for twelve years, and have been divorced for at least one, I estimate the age of your daughter to be between 10 and 12 years old, give or take.  She should be able to completely forget about you by the time she turns 18, so you are going to have to play the waiting game.  Hire a private detective to keep tabs on your daughter, and have him contact you in the event your daughter becomes engaged to be married.  Then you must act quickly.

The detective should be able to give you a date and venue for the wedding, and no one will suspect that you would attempt to attend.  Rent a tuxedo and clean yourself up for the big occasion, and make sure to show up fashionably late.  Late enough to interrupt the ceremony in progress.  Come running down the aisle, getting everyone's attention, and scream the following:

"My darling daughter... I am so sorry...  The truth is that I am beside myself with shame!  I can't live with it anymore... I can never apologize enough for what I did to you... No father should ever...."

And then shoot yourself in the head in front of everyone.  Your daughter's fiancee would likely leave her at the alter, your daughter would certainly spiral into depression and visit a never-ending list of psychiatrists attempting to uncover repressed memories, and your ex wife would become suicidal over the guilt of being oblivious to horrifying abuse.  Point.  Set.  Match.   

With great influence comes great responsibility, and we at Popular Irony have a rich history of giving back to the community.  Tonight we will do our part to help popularize one of the most heartwarming organizations the world over, the Special Olympics.  In recent years donations to keep the games going have been tepid at best, and critics cite the lack of broad appeal in a modern viewership on television.  We think we have a few ideas to make the Special Olympics a more exciting and profitable cause.  This will involve the introduction of several new events, which we detail here.

Stair Races:  An element of danger makes this event a crowd favorite.  Participants line up at the starting line atop a massive staircase ready to race their competitors to the bottom!  The catch?  Everyone must keep their hands firmly in their pants pockets at all times.  Only the most skilled and coordinated athlete can make it to the bottom unscathed!

Javelin Catching:  We plan to introduce a summer games favorite with an exciting twist!  Each competitor waits downfield from an able-bodied javelin thrower with the hopes of being the first to successfully catch a launched javelin!  The game ends with the first to make a successful catch being deemed the winner, or in the (likely) event of complete failure by all participants, the last athlete to be rushed to the hospital.

Synchronized Drowning:  Behold the wonders of artistic expression that these "special" competitors are capable of!  Between the pairs competition and the group event you will see a dazzling display of gags, screams, and flails all in amazing unison!  The winners are fished out after each round and scored by the panel of judges to determine which team gets the glory.  There is no second or final round, with zero allowable alternate athletes.

Long Distance Falling:  This game of risk and reward is a true favorite among polled viewers.  Each competitor is free to choose an altitude to compete from, weighing in the risk of the variable landing platform.  Soft grass?  Go big or go home!  Rough gravel?  Just make sure your ambitions are survivable!  Winner takes all, and the fates favor the athlete with the greatest balance of reserve and gaul. 

Child Rearing:  Perhaps the greatest life challenge adapted to a competitive format.  Each athlete is issued a live human baby and is released into the streets accompanied only by a camera crew.  This is the only event that spans the entire length of the Special Olympics, and culminates in the gathering of the participants for the final ceremony whereby they turn in the child they have been entrusted with.  Any surviving baby would be examined by a group of physicians, who would use the data along with the footage of the experience to announce a final winner, determined by either the lease injured child, or the longest surviving child.

And before you judge us for the heightened level of personal danger in these proposed additions, just remember that these athletes put the greatest effort of their lives into these events, and to cheapen them by considering the likelihood of injury or death is doing them a great disservice.  Thank you.

A couple of weeks ago I asked a very important question.  "What's in the Motherfucking Box?!".  I am finally prepared to open the motherfucking box and find out.

This unlabeled box could contain anything.  It could be from my college days or even from my recent move.  Let's see what we got.

Ah.... It is quite an assortment of shit.  Some old, some new.  My wife must have combined several "shit boxes" creating one almighty Motherfucking Box of Shit!

Let's see we have......

1 Shake Weight DVD for Men

1 Shake Weight DVD for Women

1 Large Orange Battery Powered Fridge Magnet Gear

2 Large Red Fridge Magnet Gears

1 Mini Chalkboard Eraser

1 Tiny Stuffed Monkey on a String Tied To a Stick

1 Paper Dream Productions Comics Bookmark

2 Large Green Fridge Magnet Marble Ramps

4 Small Gray Fridge Magnet Gears

2 Swivel Cup Fridge Magnet Marble ramps

9 Wooden Sculpture Tools

1 Paper Envelope Stuffed With Unmarked Dirty DVDs and CDs

3 Medium Green Fridge Magnet Gears

1 6' Gray Telephone Cord

1 12' Green Telephone Cord

1 Small Paintbrush

1 Drywall Portrait Hook

1 Hanging Plant Hook

1 Fridge Magnet Marble Holder

2 Medium Blue Fridge Magnet Gears

1 Empty Green DVD Jewel Case

1 5" ACE Comb

1/2 Roll of Scotch Tape

1 Catering Business Card

1 Jar Tattoo Ointment

1 Boyz II Men Cassette Tape "CooleyHigh Harmony"

1 Plastic Back to a Digital Clock (my wife has been looking for this)

1 Leather Case Containing Glasses With  My Current Prescription

1 Tiny Egg laying Rubber Chicken Keychain

1 Soiled Bumper Sticker

1 Cassette Tape "Harpin' It Easy" Harmonica Instruction

1 Plastic Buddha Statue

1 Cassette Tape "The Beavis and Butthead Experience"

3 Tickets To A Scum City Avengers Concert

1 Old Glasses Prescription

12 Printed Wikipedia Pages "List of Cryptids"

2 Car Keys for a GM

1 Folder of My College Comic Strips

1 Wooden Hawaii Surfboard Fridge Magnet

1 Tiny Scenic Painting Fridge Magnet

1 Guggenheim Museum Fridge Magnet

1 Automatic Outlet Timer

1 Ceramic Wind Chime

4 Small Black Fridge Magnet Gears

1 Chiropractor Business Card

2 Medium Fridge Magnet Marble Ramps

1 Invitation To a Baby Shower With a Small Metal Dream Catcher Pin Attached

1 Portion of an Unknown Video Game System Cable

1 Post It Note With "TSHIRT IDEA - BODY BY BACON"

1 Deck of Marvel Comics Playing Cards

1 Florida Fridge Magnet

2 Curvy Fridge Magnet Marble Ramps

1 2$ Bill

1 Boba Fett Mandalorian Symbol Iron On Patch

1 Mouth Harp

1 Small Glasses Cleaning Cloth

1 Verizon Wireless Installation CD for a Phone I No Longer Own

1 Unmarked Orange Swipe Card With Barcode

1 Small Piece of Wood With "Hawaii" written on it

1 C + C Music Factory Cassette Tape "Gonna Make You Sweat"

1 Swirly Dispenser Chute Fridge Magnet Marble Ramp

1 Phone # for "Arica"

1 Florida Scuba Dive Instructor Business Card

1 Thermometer In a Wooden Tube

1 Label For a Dickies Shirt

1 Red Ticket #353296

1 Commie Self Adhesive Mustache and Beard Set

1 Kohl's Coupon Mailer

1 Phone # for Muffler Repair

1 Crumpled Note Instructing Me To "Empty The Dishwasher"

1 Rusty Cast Iron Railroad Spike

1 Battery Powered Robot Crab Toy

2 Wooden Coins "Pat" and "Front"

11 White Marbles

1 Blue Mardi Gras Beads

1 Green Mardi Gras Beads

1 Purple Mardi Gras Beads

1 Butterscotch Candy

1 10" x 1" Styrofoam Stick

1 Bunch of Pipe Cleaners

1 Pen Without a Cap

1 Old AAA Card

1 SD Card

1 Progressive Insurance Card

1 Large Yellow Fridge Magnet Gear

1 Broken XBOX Earpiece

1 Large Paper Clip

1 Small Cereal Box Star Trek Flashlight

1 Old Checkbook

1 2" x 3" Adhesive Bandage

1 Blister Pack of Gum With 2 Pieces Remaining

1 Empty Plastic Sandwich Bag With "Banana Kush Mix 1/4" Written On It

1 4" Piece of Electrical Tape Coated in Birdseed and Cat Hair

2 Small White Magnets

1 Wooden Toothpick

1 Small Hair Clip

1 Penny

1 Empty Picture Frame

1 DVD Collection of "Deadtime Stories" 10 Movies on 5  Double Sided DVDs that Hamtackle gave to me for Christmas years ago.  The best is "Night Train to Terror".  God and the Devil play chess while a bunch of 80's aerobics instructors make a shitty dance video on a train.  It has a great song lyric "Everybody's got something to do, everybody but you".

The Keepers

I Kept a few items, as you can see.  As for the rest?  It's back to the box!!  One day I will dig it out again and rummage through it's piles of dusty, useless memories. 

I can hear you saying to yourself  "But Terlet!  Shouldn't you at least throw away that filthy piece of electrical tape?!?"  To that I say "FUCK YOU, I NEED IT!! MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!"

When the fields are nearly ready for harvest on the rich countryside of Bumblespire a curious figure makes his presence known.  This is the time for the half-naked dandy to visit the farmers late at night and wrestle them for the promise of good weather.  If the farmers are able to impose their dominance on the dandy then they can be assured that their crop will be protected from the unpredictable Bumblespire late season storms.  This has long been the tradition, and the farming community has made it into a celebration that includes competitions of strength designed to prepare the farmers for the coming visit from the half-naked dandy.  It is a time of great joy and friendship.

But one fall, after the harvest celebration was long over, the farmers began calling on each other in a panic.  The half-naked dandy hadn't visited any of them yet, and they all feared that the storms would claim their delicate crops before the had a chance to wrestle.  And since the dandy only appears in the pitch black of night the farmers had no way of knowing what it looked like, or how to find it and plea for their harvest.  The only detail they knew is that the dandy was a being with a skinny build, who wore nothing more than a hide tunic.  It never spoke, but if bested in a wrestling match it would leave the bones of a small rodent at the farmer's doorstep signifying that their crops were safe for this season.

When the dandy first appeared it had the farmers badly outmatched, and left them confused and terrified about the purpose of this clandestine invader.  But whenever someone successfully wrestled the being out of their home they found their crops would withstand even the most foul late season storms.  The farmers had all become very able wrestlers to give them an edge, and over the years their fear of the half-naked dandy turned into eager anticipation.  Some years only a handful of farmers could best the dandy, and when the storms came they were the only farms left untouched, and they enjoyed a fantastic financial return when they took their harvest to market.  But these days the farmers rarely lost to the dandy, and everyone seemed to prosper.

That season the half-naked dandy never came to Bumblespire, and the late season storms devastated the crops.  The following year the farmers made a great effort to find out who, or what, the half-naked dandy was.  They knew that their hard effort in growing their crops would be wasted if they couldn't find their wrestling savior, but try as they may, they found no evidence of the dandy within the town, out in the fields, the forest, or in the northern hills.  It seemed hopeless as the growing season came to a close, and the community didn't even bother to celebrate the coming harvest.  They all just desperately hoped the dandy would come, or that the storms wouldn't appear until the crops were ready.

But one morning the town of Bumblespire erupted with excitement.  One of the farmer's daughters rushed to the market with the news that the half-naked dandy had returned that night, but her father had been unable to defeat it and was badly hurt.  Everyone in the town traveled down the dirt road to speak with her father and make sure their salvation was at hand, and they crowded at the doorstep with hope in their hearts.  The farmer's wife reluctantly let the townspeople in to speak with her husband, but warned them that he would not be able to entertain them for long.

The crowd gasped as they gazed down on the broken man, arms and legs twisted in un-natural contortions, his face battered and broken, and barely able to speak through shattered teeth.  He moaned and told his story, that the dandy was bigger than before, and was more aggressive than ever.  He told about their violent struggle the night before, and how the dandy clawed, bit, and battered him to within an inch of his life.  He warned the other farmers that the years of easy victories were over, and the half-naked dandy had grown weary of losing.  In the past two years it had transformed into a much more formidable and ominous foe.

The news crushed the hopes of the farmers and their families.  No one had trained for this kind of challenge in some time, and the canceling of the harvest celebration seemed so foolish in retrospect.  The next night another farmer fell victim to the dandy, and although he gave a spirited wrestling match, he was nearly killed for his efforts.  Rumors began to spread through the community that maybe the dandy had never really saved anyone from the storms.  Maybe the dandy had been causing the storms all along, and had the sadistic habit of punishing the weak when he bested them.  Everyone began to agree that it might be better to get rid of the half-naked dandy rather than face him and risk permanent injury.  

The townspeople of Bumblespire formulated a plan to capture the dandy and try to exploit his powers for their benefit, or defeat the menace once and for all.  The blacksmiths, the innkeepers, and the town guards all agreed to lay wait in each of the remaining farmer's homes the following night and overpower the dandy when he appeared looking for another victim.

That night, after midnight, the dandy returned.  One of the farmer's cabins was as quiet as the night outside, and just as dark.  The dandy crept into the farmer's room looking for another wrestling match, when suddenly four large men sprung from their hiding places and attacked in unison, quickly overpowering the beast and beating it unmercifully.  Once satisfied that the deed was done, and the dandy beaten into submission, one of the men lit a lamp to get the first ever view of their foe.  Laying on the floor between them was a massive man with several obvious handicaps.  His face displayed all the hallmarks of severe retardation, and one leg was noticeably shorter and less muscular than the other.  They all immediately recognized the unfortunate freak.

Years prior the town was considerably less modern, and was ruled by superstition.  One of the innkeepers' daughters bore a child with the same grotesque maladies, and in keeping with the superstition of the time, was forcibly taken from the mother and left in the woods as a gift to the forest spirit.  Those superstitions had long since faded away, but now appeared to be haunting the town that committed the injustices.  The men wasted no time in dispatching the freak with a fire poker, and paraded the corpse through the town that night, sparking a celebration that lasted for days.

In the years that followed the town learned to deal with the unpredictable late season storms, and managed to thrive by staggering the harvest schedule and sharing profits should the late crops become damaged.  They also renewed an ancient custom that had long ago been forgotten, and with it came revitalized superstition.  The harvest celebrations were no more, but every season one newborn child was taken to the woods as a divine sacrifice, in hopes that one day the half-naked dandy would return to Bumblespire and bring with him the ability to secure the crops agains the harsh late season storms...

There is little else in this world as depressing as trying to sleep in a jail cell surrounded by obese drunkards and wife beaters.  Vic had already been abruptly awakened by the presence of an unfamiliar hand rummaging inside the front of his pants.  The hairy man barked assurances that he was just looking for a pack of cigarettes, but Vic knew it wasn't so.  This pair of pants didn't have pockets.  The exhausted detective accepted the man's excuse, and just wanted to get back to sleep and wait out his short stay until the next morning when the courts could process his citation and bail.

"What are you here for?" The hairy man asked, quite casually for a serial molester of sleeping men.  "I don't want to talk about it.  I'm going to sleep.  Please don't fondle my genitals."  Vic replied.  He had no desire to explain the situation to a stranger, particularly after getting the third degree from the police.

Six hours ago Vic Musket was pulled over on a lonely Alabama highway while staggering drunk.  Lucky for him the officer had no suspicion about his intoxication, since a practiced drunk rarely slurs his speech, and an unwashed drunk smells like ass, not booze.  But mid conversation the cop glanced in the back seat of the car and spotted a thirteen-inch black rubber cock.  And apparently in the state of Alabama sex toys are illegal contraband.  Vic tried explaining that the cock belonged to a pimp named Swisha, and Vic had absent-mindedly forgotten to clean out the car after purchasing it, but that seemed to have made matters worse.

Vic awakened to an empty cell, which was a welcome sight.  The same officer that had arrested him was now explaining that his bail was suspended by the judge earlier that morning, and he was being released.  But he was going to have to pay the $300 towing and storage on his car before his trip would continue.  And he had to sign an agreement that he would pay his fine for possession of illicit goods within 90 days or he would have to return to Alabama for court.  The fools accepted Vic at his word, and he explained that it might be a day or so until he could get the money wired to him so he could get his car out of impound.  In reality, Vic was nearly out of money, and pretty much knew that he would never see that car again.

"Can I at least get the dildo back?" Vic was pushing his luck with the redneck cop.  "Son, yer lucky to be going anywhere.  Thirty years ago we would have made you into a quiet windchime hanging from the nearest oak tree." The cop replied with a stern tone.  Some people just don't appreciate good humor anymore.

Vic collected his belongings and thumbed through his remaining cash.  Forty bucks.  That wasn't going to get him very far, definitely not all the way to Texas considering he had to get some drinking done.  The detective became suddenly aware that he looked alien in this town.  Everyone was dressed well and clearly bathed regularly, and here was Vic Musket wreaking of piss and body odor, and piss was winning the battle.  He was going to have to fit in a little better if he wanted to hitchhike his way out of this town.

As if answering his thoughts, Vic looked across the street and noticed a truck stop down the road a way.  Truckers were not discerning people, and he might be able to make an arrangement with one of them in the bar next to the hand-painted sign that read "Truckers welcome!  Rig parking out back, showers $5"  Hopefully that arrangement wouldn't involve wearing a wig and crying afterwards, but he wasn't ruling anything out as he walked into the bar.

To be continued...

Welcome to a landmark moment for Popular Irony, the 200th post since our humble beginnings this July past.  In such a short time we went from a mere twenty or so pageviews per day to literally dozens.  We have managed to garner a loyal following due to our dedicated daily ramblings of vulgarity, and we are proud to say that we have not missed a single day.  Now many of you have expressed an interest in the two strange personalities that have authored this blog, and have been disappointed by the lack of detail in the "About Popular Irony" page that has been under construction since our beginning.  But now all of your rampant speculation comes to an end.  For tonight, we present the true identities of Hamtackle and Terlet. 

Alias: Hamtackle

True Identity: Thomas Burton

Location: Tulsa, OK

Education: B.S. (Physical Anthropology) Columbia University

Age: 31

Marital Status: Single

Occupation: Non-fiction author (under a pseudonym); Professional Rodeo Rider (PBR)

Thomas Burton is an outspoken liberal atheist with a passion for community service through local outreach programs.  Dedication to altruistic pursuits despite his many social and professional obligations has made him the subject of many local media profiles, and has led to a significant online following supporting his political aspirations in both the local and national stage.  He has remained reluctant to accept his probable destiny for public life because, as he has been quoted "it complicates my daily schedule of volunteer work and tends to distract from the political message of economic equality and emphasis on scientific education in public schools that I have dedicated my life to."  This humility and personal compassion have become the hallmark of his iconic image, and has led to his refusal of public office despite a write-in victory for Mayor of his hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma.  He hopes to one day find a wife that he says, above all, must be his intellectual equal.

Alias: Terlet

True Identity: Stanley Pudgins

Location: Tulsa, OK

Education: N/A

Age: 33

Marital Status: Single, estranged father of two

Occupation: N/A

Stanley Pudgins currently resides on the couch of Thomas Burton, to whom his care was released by the State in 2006.  He has benefitted from the charitable contributions of Mr. Burton after an unfortunate conviction of serial public exposure and a brief 18 month incarceration.  His diminished mental capacity brought on by a serious glue sniffing addiction has likely inspired the protective instincts of those around him, allowing for a life free of public financial assistance.  Mr. Pudgins appears to have discovered a therapeutic outlet for his creative ability with his participation in the online blog Popular Irony, and displays an almost autism-like penchant for humor despite the lack of any social skill.  In his own words, Stanley Pudgins is "really grateful for my friend Thomas Burton, who never yells at me even though I keep accidentally peeing on his things."  Perhaps best known for his State-enforced participation in an advertising campaign for the National Sex-Offender Registry that was an expressed condition of his release, Mr. Pudgins has aspirations to one day become "either a railroad conductor or a zookeeper."

We at Popular Irony hope this has given all of our dear readers some insight into the minds that bring you daily original content to brighten your otherwise disposable lives.  And if you ever wish to reach either Hamtackle or Terlet, please write us at PopularIrony@gmail.com   

FDR, aka "Poppa" to the ladies

Greetings from the Patriotic Historical Revisionist Society of America, where we are re-educating the world at large about important events in world history that serve to bolster the image of the greatest country on earth, the United States of America.  Join us tonight as we expose the true motivations behind the attack at Pearl Harbor in honor of the anniversary of the event.

Before going too deeply into the details, we must first acknowledge the conditions of the time.  Back before cable news and the internet the powerful people of the world were free to act on their every whim without consequence.  There was very little opportunity for scandal because the only information disseminated to the public was carefully released by the source itself, without interference by the free media.  Thus began the controversy between Franklin D Roosevelt and Emperor Hirohito.

Most of us remember FDR by the inspirational images taken during his speeches, but by all accounts he was one of the most sexually ferocious world leaders since Caligula.  It was widely known throughout his administration and beyond that President Roosevelt could not control his appetite for beautiful women, but the coverup was orchestrated to preserve the dignity of the first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.  And a startling lack of documentation supporting any kind of paralytic disease in the President suggests that his famous use of a wheelchair was a response to his fatigue following his ample sexual conquests.

In order to hide FDR's womanizing ways the administration arranged frequent trips abroad, so as to limit public exposure.  On one such trip to Japan (Franklin was a very progressive lover for the times) the President found himself taken by a particularly beautiful woman with whom he remained literally attached to the hip with for nearly a week, like some kind of interracial conjoined twin.  Unbeknownst to him at the time the woman was Empress Kōjun, wife of Emperor Hirohito.  The response to the befouling of his wife by the brash American President came in the form of the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941.

Hirohito and his sexually unsatisfied wife

Without the true facts about the feud between FDR and Hirohito the world media assumed that the attack was a preemptive strike designed to cripple the American Navy, thus preventing it from complicating the Japanese advance on Malaya and the Dutch East Indies.  In reality this was a hastily designed battle born in the heat of passion, and against the urging of Japan's military strategists.  The following day America declared war on Japan and single handedly beat back the Nazi advance across Europe (you're welcome, France!)

Of course, FDR passed away on April 12, 1945, just when victory seemed certain.  One particularly satisfying detail that is little-known outside of military historians is that the atomic bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki both had a name scrawled across them... "Kōjun".  This was to remind the Emperor of the recently-deceased President's sexual conquest, and Hirohito's biggest mistake.

Alright, people.  Time to find out if you should be caged up for the good of society (if you are a regular reader this is a foregone conclusion).  Get yourself a pencil and count all (a) answers and (b) answers.  After completing the test read the instructions that follow.  And remember that in a personality test there is no "correct" answers.  Just ones that indicate you are normal or homicidal.

1. Do you prefer to adapt to circumstances (a) or influence them (b)?
   
2. Do you consider yourself an emotional person (a) or an analytical person (b)?
   
3. Do you consider yourself to be more creative (a) or logical (b)?
   
4. If you see someone drop money do you give it to them (a) or take it for yourself (b)?
   
5. You come across a severely wounded puppy that is beyond medical assistance.  Do you take it to a vet anyway (a) or end it's suffering (b)?
   
6. You suspect your significant other has been speaking to their ex.  Do you ask them about it (a) or investigate behind their back (b)?
   
7. You are unable to study for an exam because you attend a funeral.  Do you ask for an extension due to circumstance (a) or cheat (b)?
   
8. A friend asks you to lie on their behalf as a work reference.  Do you tell the truth (a) or oblige them (b)?
   
9. A stranger parks their car so close to yours that you have to enter from the passenger side.  Do you leave them a note (a) or vandalize their car (b)?
   
10. You are suckerpunched by a blind person.  Do you report the incident to the police (a) or retaliate physically (b)?
    
11. Do you tend to be trusting toward others (a) or suspicious of them (b)?
    
12. Do you avoid confrontation (a) or seek it out (b)?
    
13. Do you think it is better to be loved (a) or feared (b)?
    
14. Which do you enjoy more- giving gifts (a) or receiving them (b)?
    
15. Does danger make you anxious (a) or excited (b)?
    
16. When you see a homeless person are you empathetic (a) or indifferent (b)?
    
17. You see a stranger trip and fall into the mud.  Do you rush to help them up (a) or laugh and go about your business (b)?
    
18. Do you believe a person can change their evil ways (a) or will always be evil (b)?
    
19. You see a person drowning in a rushing river.  Do you dive in to help and risk your own life (a) or watch to see if they make it (b)?
    
20. You come across a lost child in a shopping mall.  Do you help them find their parents (a) or ignore them (b)?

Time for some math!  All (a) answers are worth 1 point and all (b) answers are worth 2 points.  Add up your final score and see your results below!

35 - 40  You are a gentle person, docile and friendly to everyone you meet.  You should be taking care of children in the hopes your positive demeanor serves as an influence.

25 - 35  You have a hard time fitting in with others.  You harbor some ill intentions towards people, but are unlikely to act on them unless provoked.

20 - 25  Holy shit, you maniac.  Hopefully you haven't already procreated, and should submit yourself to voluntary sterilization.  There is almost certainly a suit made of human skin in your future.

Maturbators of the world unite!  Let us shrug off the shame that society tells us we should have and reveal ourselves to our friends, family, and even employers.  Our expressed mission is to normalize the practice of autoeroticism and allow for it's integration into accepted everyday life.  Tonight we examine masturbatory practices in the animal kingdom, induct another member of the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and enjoy another installment of diff'rent strokes!

Animals Need Self-Love Too

Clever Girl...

Everyone knows that monkeys masturbate frantically at every opportunity, but there are a few species that partake in our mutual hobby that may surprise you.  And in the case of non-primates there can be some seriously impressive displays of determination and ingenuity.  

For example, the common goat has been observed taking the penis into it's mouth, and manipulating itself to the point of orgasm.  This self fellatio is the holy grail of masturbation, and something we all aspire to.  This also has contributed to the Christian belief of the cloven-hoofed goat as a vessel of Satan. 

And consider the female wild ferret, an animal that must masturbate to relieve illness in cases of unsuccessful mating seasons.  When in heat, the female ferret can become quite ill if unable to attract a male to complete the procreative process.  She remains isolated in her nest until resigned to the failure of her mating efforts, at which time she may venture a short distance outside to gather a small smooth stone which she will rub against, thus relieving her of her biological need to mate.  Quite ingenious.

But to find a masturbatory equal within the animal kingdom we must look to one of our closest relatives, the orangutan.  This creature has displayed an application of it's tool-making prowess that is very human indeed.  They are able to use pieces of wood and bark to fashion a low tech dildo, and use them with great enthusiasm.  And when one of these devices has it's effectiveness proven by it's creator, it is often lent to other orangutans in the group.  This is likely the birthplace of social cohesion within the primate world, and certainly an expression of true friendship.

Masturbation Hall of Fame Inductee

Jocelyn Elders- Tonight we honor the former US Surgeon General as one of the most influential masturbators in modern memory.  How could we forget this pioneer for social acceptance of masturbation?  She is perhaps best known for her unfortunate firing as Surgeon General by former President Bill Clinton, who terminated her after she advocated the teaching of masturbation to youth as a means to prevent riskier forms of sexual activity and reduce the occurrence of AIDS worldwide.  In hindsight it seems quite hypocritical for one of the most famously oversexed politicians in known history to chastise Dr. Elders, but we can only assume he shuns masturbation and prefers to get his pleasure directly from the horse's mouth (sorry, Monica).  So for her efforts to normalize masturbation, we hereby induct you into the Masturbation Hall of Fame!

Diff'rent Strokes!

The Penile Pincushion

- There are so many penis torture techniques to explore that we have a difficult time getting them all represented in this section, but please keep sending your suggestion email to

popularirony@gmail.com

 .  This method was sent to us by Nathan Portis of Flint, MI.  He writes "I use this technique once each month, and use the time between to heal properly.  Anyone who has ejaculated through an impaled banana would understand the intense sensation that keeps me coming back!  Not for the squeamish, but not nearly as painful as one might think, just remember to sterilize the needles.  Thanks Popular Irony!"

Burning Passion

- This method is a pyromaniac's dream.  Just insert a match into the urethra as demonstrated, light the match, then gently massage the prostate to completion.  The threat of imminent pain heightens the pleasure of the process, and the more adventurous masturbator can push the limits of their tolerance.  Be careful not to burn all the way to the point of insertion, as a burning matchstick might be lost down the trunk leading to a difficult-to-explain visit to the emergency room. 

So I was just hanging out with some of my friends, you know, just shootin' the shit.  I was enjoying a cup of hot coffee and skeeter was trying out his new hackey sack, and the BAM!  Skeeter accidentally kicks my hand sending a scalding drop of coffee RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING EYE!  Holy shit it burns!  Dear God save me from this agony and let death's arms embrace me!  I DON'T DESERVE THIS PAIN! -

Travis Whitten, Venice Beach, CA

I love to make models of famous monuments and buildings.  It is so relaxing, and I can sit for hours in total focus just enjoying the detail of my work.  I was making a scale replica of the Eiffel tower out of paperclips that was going to complete my set of Europe's best architectural achievements, and I was just using some wire clippers when HOLY FUCKING SHIT!  A piece of paperclip IN MY GODDAMN PUPIL!  Oh cruel fates, why have you condemned me to this horror! Bring me a gun so I CAN END THIS PAIN! -

Sal Gordon, Pittsburgh, PA

I always make time to hike in the mountains and smell the wildflowers.  The best way to enjoy their beauty is to lean down low and take a deep smell with your eyes closed.  It really helps to build a strong memory of your hike.  Once I was hiking through a pine forest when I came across a beautiful patch of wild roses.  I stooped down for a whiff when my hayfever kicked in and I let out a powerful sneeze.  SWEET JESUS!  WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY IRIS?  What in the name of all that's holy did I ever do to DESERVE THIS! -

Sarah Peoples, Lyons, CO

I have always taken personal grooming very seriously, and I greatly enjoy the simple pleasure of a close shave.  My wife has known this for years, and this year for my birthday she got me a beautiful straight razor set in a fine mother of pearl handle.  I was still getting used to the delicate process of scraping whiskers off my cheek when my wife abruptly opened the bathroom door and bumped my elbow... AAAAGGHHH!!!  What have I done!  MY GOD LOOK AT THE BLOOD!  I am a permanently disfigured FREAK!  Don't touch me!  DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! -

Larry French, Cleveland, OH