He's coming out to get ya, and his eyes are cold as steel. He's got intentions that are ugly, so swallow your last meal. And if you ever try to beat him, he'll bring you to your knees. That's right, you dirty vagrant, it's time for more so beg him "please".

His name is Dingo... A bounty hunter down in Reno....

He's got four sons, they're all named "Tito"...

And cuz' their momma drank they'll always BE slow...

His name is Dingo... A bounty hunter down in Reno....

Although he's skinny as a bean pole...

His wife is built just like a steam boat...

Now listen up, sweet Susie, 'cause there's something you should know. Dingo's out to get ya with his reality TV show. The ladies love him so much that the panties line his floor. And if he were judged by everyone, they'd call him a "man-sized whore"

His name is Dingo... A bounty hunter down in Reno....

He's got four sons, they're all named "Tito"...

And cuz' their momma drank they'll always BE slow...

His name is Dingo... A bounty hunter down in Reno....

Although he's skinny as a bean pole...

His wife is built just like a steam boat...

If your unlucky enough to meet him, keep this thought in yer mind: There's more man behind that mullet than you'll likely ever find. And if you ever cross him, your askin' to get beat. Just make sure your wife is not around or he'll sweep her off her feet!

His name is Dingo... A bounty hunter down in Reno....

He's got four sons, they're all named "Tito"...

And cuz' their momma drank they'll always BE slow...

His name is Dingo... A bounty hunter down in Reno....

Although he's skinny as a bean pole...

His wife is built just like a steam boat...

There is a great deal of speculation surrounding the sparse details in the recent arrest of Manssor Arbabsiar, a man charged with attempting to negotiate a 1.5 million dollar assassination deal with a Mexican drug cartel to off a Saudi Ambassador in Washington D.C. on behalf of elements of the Iranian government. Holy fucking shit.

There are all kinds of angles to this story to scare the shit out of you, but I am going to focus on a couple of particularly horrifying aspects of this story. But first off, I would like to point out that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a piece of shit. He is a holocaust-denying, election-stealing, freedom-hating douchebag. He appears to spend most of his time rehearsing his trademark rambling speeches to the UN that always start with "Israel and America must die" and end with "C'mon, guys... Why won't you let us build nuclear weapons?" In contrast, I have nothing bad to say about the Mexican drug cartels. They all seem like perfectly fine, respectable men to me. Nothing bad to report at all. Seriously.

The part of this story that is the most troubling is the brazen nature of the charges. Any attempt to kill a diplomat on American soil is a surefire way to witness a twenty day shitstorm of bombs followed by a personal visit from SEAL Team Six and their titanium-toothed warhounds. I'm almost certain that Iran doesn't want an invitation to that particular Lady party. And I can also safely assume that the cartels are pretty happy with the current American policy of "Not my fucking problem" in respect to their business dealings at the southern border, and would not want to put a target on their backs by getting involved in a political struggle. And for 1.5 million? Pennies to the cartels.

So there is no reasonable motive for either group to take part in this plot, making it's validity look suspect. Perhaps the Justice department is engineering the charges to bolster the image of strong defense policy for the administration that is trying to manage a re-election campaign? Also not likely. Just about the only thing that the President has been strong on is national defense. And although a war declaration on Iran would be easier to pass through Congress than a jobs package at this point, I just don't think you can out-do blowing Bin Laden's head off when talking about homeland security. And besides, another military action in the middle east would bring Ron Paul to tears at the next Republican debate, and nobody likes to see a tiny old man cry. Or fuck.

I guess I am not entirely convinced that this case is legit, and I hope it isn't. If the connection is confirmed then it will be a refreshing dose of honesty and transparency by Iran, at last admitting they are pure evil. This shit is going to dominate my paranoid fantasies until my theory on the connection between North Korea and the Somalian pirates is confirmed.

Greetings from the Patriotic Historical Revisionist Society of America, where we are re-educating the world at large about important events in world history that serve to bolster the image of the greatest country on earth, the United States of America. Tonight we examine the details behind one of the great American victories, the Mexican-American War.

Consider the diplomatic relationship between America and Mexico at the time of the War, in 1846. Mexico was hands-down the most powerful presence in the international community. Following the depletion of resources by America and the major European players after the American and French revolutions, Mexico was poised to grow their naval presence and establish trade routes to supply the fledgling Yankee country to the north.

And with tension across the border growing following the Texas Revolution of 1836, the trade from the Mexican naval powerhouse became more costly. The issue came to a head when Mexico declared war on America by bombarding American ports in the Texas gulf coastline. The unwarranted aggression caused massive loss of life and established a military resolve that shook the earth.

Bands of American militia men stood beside organized professional soldiers, all valiantly striking back against the Mexican army that outnumbered them 20 to 1. The infamous American attributes of courage and intense patriotic pride drove a spear into the Mexican defenses, pushing all the way to the capitol, Mexico city. Once the rag-tag army of American patriots had secured the city, they used the leverage to end the war and establish the Rio Grande as the Mexican-American border.

The treaty was heavily weighed in favor of America, adding the territories west of Texas including California, and diminishing the naval fleet of Mexico to a fraction of it's former glory. This great war was waged in just 2 years, adding yet another world superpower to America's list of bested adversaries. And to this day the Mexican economy struggles to recover from the conflict, and has declined to the status of third world country. The lessons learned from this historic war guided the international community away from initiating conflict with America until World War II, when the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor awakened the American military might, and focused it to saving the world from the Nazi menace. But that is a story for another time.

Vic stared down into a dirty Styrofoam cup full of a mix of soft drink, coffee and liquor, whatever was salvageable from the nearby dumpster. This was a new feeling... He didn't know what do do with himself following his encounter at Pedo Park. He was hired to find a rapist, but quickly learned there was more to the story. After porn shops, torturing and murdering mobsters, and terrorizing a community of sex offenders, he was pretty sure he had the whole story.

A rich man makes many enemies on his way to the top, much like the way the first man in line at the gangbang usually has a black eye. And by the time he reaches the peak of his success he is pretty hardened from all the backstabbing, and it is nearly impossible to rattle him. Enter the pristine virgin daughter, a 17 year old innocent angel that represents all the good things that her industrialist father coldly cast aside during his ascent to wealth. She was the perfect way through the old man's armor, the only part of him that was still human.

So when Vic's wealthy client found himself at odds with the Cangiani crime family he put up his defences, protecting his financial assets and relationships to the point that the Mob had to find more creative ways to get to him. The final act that would surely buckle the financial heavyweight and reduce him to begging for a settlement, securing the Mob's interests and pushing back the advances by their rich adversary.

So the insidious plan was hatched, targeting the only true and good thing Vic's client possessed... His daughter's innocence. But the Cangiani family didn't have anyone in their crew that would donate their penis to do the vicious act. The had to outsource a willing "talent" to do the deed. That is where Benny the Puerto Rican sex offender comes into play. By all accounts he was paid for AND carried out the rape, but disappeared soon after. Vic smoked Benny out of a dubious trailer park and got his shocking side of the story.

It turns out that Benny shadowed his heavily guarded target for several days before he saw his opportunity arise. The young girl snuck out of a window at her family mansion, and Benny began tailing her. He followed her to a large house party in a poor neighborhood, and infiltrated the gathering to get closer. After getting her drunk Benny was able to convince the girl to join him for a late night walk, and eventually they went to a hotel...

What happened next surprised the hell out of Benny. The young innocent girl attacked him with sexual ferocity, turning pleasure into awkward panic. Daddy's little girl was a nymphomaniac vixen, and she took a dominant role that she wore with the kind of confidence that can only come with experience. Benny had often been the predator according to the US legal system, and he had even courted this young girl with very ugly intentions, but this night he became the victim.

Armed with the truth Vic was ready to exploit the situation and bleed it for all it was worth. He had already let Benny go free, since after hearing the details of the story it was clear he had suffered enough. Vic was not entirely sure how he was going play his cards yet, but there was certainly a big payday coming soon.

Vic plopped down on a bus bench. HIS bus bench, just a few stumbles away from a familiar payphone that would ring soon, giving him a chance to meet up with the mysterious wealthy client. Then he would dish out the details, and possibly even negotiate a bonus. And as he drifted off to a pleasant drunken slumber the disheveled detective became aware that he wet himself. He didn't care. For the first time in two weeks he was completely at peace.

To be continued...

Hey folks,

No post today.  We drank too much while trying to record out first podcast and well, ..... fuck.  I am tired.  Don't you fret now, friend.  We will be back tomorrow with the usual poorly written diatribe...... and eventually, a Podcast.

This is me

Holla, bitches!

Welcome again to the last bastion of reasonable thinking in the American wasteland that Obama has created. I am Willard "Teabag" Chinsley, the head of the proud Teabagger party. This week we take a look at Herman Cain and his Presidential campaign, cover the Teabagger reaction to the "occupy wall street" movement, and enjoy a tribute to Ronald Reagan.

When looking for the antidote to the first black President you must fight fire with fire. And how better to fend off accusations of widespread racism than to openly support Herman Cain? And Obama's lack of experience before taking office as a "community organizer" who pursued constitutional law pales in comparison to Cain's experience as a man who once owned some pizza parlors.  These are the issues on the mind of the average Teabagger voting populace, but be warned: We see a dangerous indicator that Herman Cain isn't the man he appears to be...

Oh no, not AGAIN!

The biggest talking point of the Cain platform to date is his 999 tax plan, in which he plans to reduce all tax levels to the 9% range (whats wrong with 0%, mister?) But what he is hoping we don't notice is what happens when you turn his tax plan on it's head. That's right, we have 666. Let's learn the lesson Jesus is trying to teach us here. No more black Presidents, America.

FREEEEDOM!

Occupy wall street? You don't have an army, hippies! In New York city there is a gathering of the future homeless populace of our great country, all complaining that they are being taken for everything they are worth without any consideration for their needs. Well I would like to be the first to reach out and embrace these pot-smoking liberals. That's right... The answer to all of their problems can be found within the Teabagger party! If you don't want your taxes to be wasted on frivolous pursuits, then get on the bandwagon with us and stop all taxation! With all the money you save at your tax-free minimum wage job you can afford to pay all your bills, negotiate a fair healthcare package with the provider of your choice, and manage some upward economic and social mobility! Oh yeah, we are going to be abolishing the minimum wage, so you might want to start saving up right away.

Oops...

 The Gipper. The greatest leader the world ever knew. The man who toppled the Soviet Union and ended the cold war. And most of his many accomplishments were completed while his mental faculties were hindered by Alzheimer's, a condition he tragically contracted following the administration of an HPV vaccine. And although he lost his way on occasion, such as granting amnesty to illegal Cuban aliens or causing a recession, we are pretty sure he hated minorities and poor people. And with this in mind we all wish for his second coming, particularly in the face of a pool of unelectable Republican Presidential candidates. We miss you, Ron.

The top secret seal has been broken here at Popular Irony.  We can finally present to you our highly classified, elite, anti-terrorist unit, P.I. JOE.  Below is one of our many fine soldiers.  Give the picture a click to view FISTUCLES in all her full size P.I. JOE glory.

Collect them all!

I am a 30-something female reader with problems that desperately need solving! My boyfriend and I recently took a huge step in our three year relationship and moved in together. I had to pack up everything I own and cram it into his tiny apartment, and there have been boxes everywhere for the last two months. Needless to say I have a hard time keeping track of everything in this new cluttered environment.

Well last Tuesday I left for work just like always, with my boyfriend preparing for a big exam coming the following day. I finished the entire drive to work before I realized that I had left my ID badge at home, and wouldn't be able to get through the security doors at work. I turned right around and went home.

And you probably guessed it, I walked in on my boyfriend and his ex-fiancé doin' the nasty. I can't believe it, and I am crushed, but I can't decide what I should do about it. My stuff is all still pretty much packed, but I am having trouble taking action. What can I do?

Sincerely,
 Confused in Colorado


 Dear Confused,


I think I can help you with your indecision. It is clear what is at the heart of your problems, and although it can be difficult to take the most healthy path it is always worth it in the end.

My first suggestion would be to finish unpacking. I hate to tell you, but you will continue to lose your ID badge and more if you can't tidy up around the home. And by the sound of it, you have been a terrible home-maker.

Another tip is to put all your most important items for the upcoming day in your shoes. You never leave without your shoes, so it is impossible to miss your keys, cellphone, or in your case, ID badge. It might also be a good idea to come to an understanding with a co-worker to cover each other in the event one of you forgets their badge, so you can still get in. I know it is against "policy" but everyone does it!

I sure hope this helps you resolve your problem with losing things, Confused in Colorado. Keep reading!

Welcome to PI Judgement, where the staff here at Popular Irony headquarters select the lesser of two phenomena. All judgements are final, and the winners must suffer the distinction of being the lamest representative of their cultural niche. Today I offer you pictographic evidence to support a final judgement as to the champion of total lameness in the battle between the two face-painting, white-trash powerhouses... Juggalos vs Kiss Army.

 A close up examination of the facial characteristics and adornments reveal a few similarities between the unfortunate members of these pop music fan clubs. They both choose a black and white makeup scheme that is intended to strike fear into the hearts of the average person, but ironically inspire only laughter and ridicule. Intentional distortions of the facial muscles result in a display that can easily be mistaken for evidence of severe mental impairment, but are in fact a testament to the deliberate and shameful disregard of intellectual potential. With some documented cases of financial and even political success among the Kiss Army, their credibility in the war to appear less intelligent is suspect. Point Juggalos.

Further scrutiny of the dietary habits of either group reveal a shocking trend of poor physical health by both the Juggalos and Kiss Army. Both sides have a similar staple of fermented grain beverages and poorly prepared sausages. Combine this with apathetic laziness and seldom intercourse, and the resulting physical degradation is evidenced above. But considering a fascination for the second-rate brand of soft drinks "Faygo" gives the Juggalos the edge here.

The CM stands for "child molester"

Social impacts by either group are negligible in their current stages, with the Kiss Army having slightly higher street-level recognition. The Juggalos attempt to maintain a counter culture reputation by spreading rumors that they are involved in illegal activity, but all investigation indicates their danger footprint is close in scope to the Girl Scouts of America. The Kiss Army makes no public claim to criminal activity, but the above photo has some ominous implications. All things considered, the Juggalos take another category in the race to the bottom.

Being organized groups of pop music fans leaves another important point of contention between the Juggalos and the Kiss Army... Which has the most awful female groupies? To decide you must consider that the Juggalo groupies will most certainly be of a younger average age (by virtue of Kiss being a band associated with the '70s) and will also be far more likely to engage willingly in unprotected intercourse. And with the much larger and culturally ingrained fan base of Kiss, and the added catalyst of the "MILF" phenomenon that has emerged in recent years, the most awful female groupies are most certainly Juggalos.

Wow. I did not expect a clean sweep by the Juggalos, but the evidence speaks for itself. The final judgement here is: GUILTY! The Juggalos are the least respectable and ridiculous of these two shameful groups of misdirected people, and the most deserving of our collective contempt. If there are any Kiss Army people out there, wipe off the makeup. You look ridiculous. And if there are any Juggalos in our audience... well I hope their illiterate minds can understand my contempt based on the plentiful pictures.

Bountiful Yurgel Family Farm

Excuse me, very beautiful lady. I see you are alone and possibly in need of insemination...

Oh, Yurgel is very sorrowful. My english is still not smart like yours, so I make accident words. Please do not go for walking away from me, I have very important talking for you. Yurgel means to say that I believe I earn enough dollars for you to allow me to give your bosom handshakes.

You look as though you smell very bad things. Please no more yelling, your loud words are bad for romance. You sit and Yurgel taste your mouth with curious tongues, yes? Then you make no more loudness, and come with Yurgel to family sheep farm in home village where you grow large arms from milking and baby-carrying. Much hairiness makes Yurgel very much man, and there will be very many baby.

Why can you laugh at not-funny life with Yurgel? Both women in home village very much like meat and milk from animals, and want to have family making. Can you go with me for buying alcohol? You will like offer better with drinking. Yurgel have only few rupels, but can trade for with opium.

Do not be fear, wonderful lady. Yurgel barter always with opium. First wife get for two handfulls of opium, but she die after fall under plow last year. You very smart lady. You not try fix plow when ox attached.

You go now? Yurgel cannot come? Take paper with address. You write Yurgel soon, but tape American dollars to envelope or letter not come from city. You will come to farm soon. Big American city too loud and smelly, not like family farm.  I will keep extra rations of yak fat for the upcoming winter.  Imagine... you could be getting Yurgel baby by time of seasonal wildfires...  Why does your walking so fast?...