Hey, internet. It's Hamtackle here. I just wanted to take a few moments to be completely honest with you at one of my weakest moments. The lucky few that are already acquainted with me know that I have mild insomnia, and in the past two nights I managed three hours of sleep two nights ago and zero last night. And I currently have my alarm set to go off in seven hours and I don't have high hopes for getting much needed rest tonight, either.

In my admittedly delusional state I have decided to throw a few basic observations and blanket judgements about you. Not just those of you I have met, but all of you.

Firstly, far too few of you are attractive enough to bother turning my head to make eye contact with. And before you say "But Hamtackle, YOU are just a miserable, ugly fatass yourself!" let me stop you there. This isn't about me, so get your fucking foot off of my soapbox. Anymore, the only people who get my attention are the freakishly obese or disabled, the people that you just know are going to hurt themselves or others at any moment, and I don't want to miss the action.

And the minority that are attractive are only worth looking at, not engaging in any kind of meaningful conversation. I work at a facility with nearly 700 other individuals and the statistically insignificant amount of physically pleasant-looking people are the types that they invented sporks for. They are too dumb to be trusted with anything sharp enough to cause significant injury. So if you consider yourself smart, you are repulsive. And if you consider yourself attractive, you are stupid. And self-absorbed/vain.

And for those that I might encounter one day and regrettably make momentary eye contact with, if I smile at you there is a 100% chance that I already hate you. A smile is my way of dismissing you from further interaction. This should be made more obvious by my immediate effort to find something at hand to pay attention to, thus assuring you will walk away without so much as verbal pleasantries.

So please leave me alone, unless you notice I am actively on fire, in which case I would appreciate a liberal splash of gasoline to put us both out of my misery. Now that I have this off my chest I am going to try to sleep. I have a team of fourteen people to supervise tomorrow, and it is going to take a significant amount of personal effort to maintain the ruse that I don't secretly wish to receive a phone call some day explaining that they will not be returning to work due to personal heartbreak, tragedy, or demise at the hands of ritual-driven urban neo-cannibals.

Welcome to PI Judgement, where the staff here at Popular Irony headquarters select the lesser of two phenomena. All judgements are final, and the winners must suffer the distinction of being the lamest representative of their cultural niche. Today I offer you pictographic evidence to support a final judgement as to the champion of total lameness in the battle between the two face-painting, white-trash powerhouses... Juggalos vs Kiss Army.

 A close up examination of the facial characteristics and adornments reveal a few similarities between the unfortunate members of these pop music fan clubs. They both choose a black and white makeup scheme that is intended to strike fear into the hearts of the average person, but ironically inspire only laughter and ridicule. Intentional distortions of the facial muscles result in a display that can easily be mistaken for evidence of severe mental impairment, but are in fact a testament to the deliberate and shameful disregard of intellectual potential. With some documented cases of financial and even political success among the Kiss Army, their credibility in the war to appear less intelligent is suspect. Point Juggalos.

Further scrutiny of the dietary habits of either group reveal a shocking trend of poor physical health by both the Juggalos and Kiss Army. Both sides have a similar staple of fermented grain beverages and poorly prepared sausages. Combine this with apathetic laziness and seldom intercourse, and the resulting physical degradation is evidenced above. But considering a fascination for the second-rate brand of soft drinks "Faygo" gives the Juggalos the edge here.

The CM stands for "child molester"

Social impacts by either group are negligible in their current stages, with the Kiss Army having slightly higher street-level recognition. The Juggalos attempt to maintain a counter culture reputation by spreading rumors that they are involved in illegal activity, but all investigation indicates their danger footprint is close in scope to the Girl Scouts of America. The Kiss Army makes no public claim to criminal activity, but the above photo has some ominous implications. All things considered, the Juggalos take another category in the race to the bottom.

Being organized groups of pop music fans leaves another important point of contention between the Juggalos and the Kiss Army... Which has the most awful female groupies? To decide you must consider that the Juggalo groupies will most certainly be of a younger average age (by virtue of Kiss being a band associated with the '70s) and will also be far more likely to engage willingly in unprotected intercourse. And with the much larger and culturally ingrained fan base of Kiss, and the added catalyst of the "MILF" phenomenon that has emerged in recent years, the most awful female groupies are most certainly Juggalos.

Wow. I did not expect a clean sweep by the Juggalos, but the evidence speaks for itself. The final judgement here is: GUILTY! The Juggalos are the least respectable and ridiculous of these two shameful groups of misdirected people, and the most deserving of our collective contempt. If there are any Kiss Army people out there, wipe off the makeup. You look ridiculous. And if there are any Juggalos in our audience... well I hope their illiterate minds can understand my contempt based on the plentiful pictures.