This hat gets me a discount at Arby's

 Ahoy, fellow tea pirates! It is I, Willard "Teabag" Chinsley, your faithful captain braving the turbulent waves of Obama's sharia fury! Join us here tonight as we discuss the benefits of public speaking while drunk, why the ladies love Herman Cain, and an argument that life begins on the first date.

There has been much talk about a speaking engagement for Rick Perry in New Hampshire this weekend, and we here at Bible Belt Babble will not lower ourselves to the level of the liberal media by joining in the stone throwing. That being said, clearly Governor Perry was staggeringly intoxicated when he took the podium that night, but that is a GOOD thing. Being drunk makes Perry a more human candidate, the kind of man that struggles with his weakness to chemical dependency just like the rest of us. And frankly, he is in good company when we are talking about conservative addicts. Just consider former President AND former alcoholic George W Bush, former cannabis and alcohol dependant Glenn Beck, and former/current prescription drug heavyweight Rush Limbaugh. And we must also weight the value of alcohol as a "truth serum" that lets us all see through the armor that all those sober candidates hide behind. The first presidential debate should be conducted at the Hooter's D.C. branch after happy hour. But then again, MUSLIMS don't drink... what, do they have something to hide?

Big Daddy Cain

Why is it that everyone makes such a big deal about conservatives that have an undeniable sexual magnetism with the ladies? Recently Herman Cain has found himself at the center of a manufactured controversy when it came to light that a few ungrateful ex-employees from the National Restaurant Association rudely accused Mr. Cain of sexual harassment back in the '90's. We should all keep in mind that for every woman that reports sexual harassment there are ten that don't report it. And their absence of objection is approval, meaning that women appreciate sexual advances by Herman Cain 10 to 1. Those approval ratings sound positively presidential.

We finish the newsletter tonight with the most important issue to the conservative mind (besides opposing taxation, of course), the issue of when life begins. Every year we see amendments offered at the state level to redefine personhood to include uteruses that contain both an egg and sperm. This is absolutely ridiculous. It is insulting to the intellectual populace of this great country to deny the simple truth that life begins at first date. Many naysayers would try to point out that only a minute few of the first dates that occur result in actual pregnancy, but I ask them this: Are you willing to risk the life of a poor unprotected baby by being wrong on this subject? It is high time that we take to the streets to let the President know that we are sick and tired of him talking about jobs (boring!) and start getting down to the REAL issues like the definition of life!

Holla, bitches!

Welcome again to the last bastion of reasonable thinking in the American wasteland that Obama has created. I am Willard "Teabag" Chinsley, the head of the proud Teabagger party. This week we take a look at Herman Cain and his Presidential campaign, cover the Teabagger reaction to the "occupy wall street" movement, and enjoy a tribute to Ronald Reagan.

When looking for the antidote to the first black President you must fight fire with fire. And how better to fend off accusations of widespread racism than to openly support Herman Cain? And Obama's lack of experience before taking office as a "community organizer" who pursued constitutional law pales in comparison to Cain's experience as a man who once owned some pizza parlors.  These are the issues on the mind of the average Teabagger voting populace, but be warned: We see a dangerous indicator that Herman Cain isn't the man he appears to be...

Oh no, not AGAIN!

The biggest talking point of the Cain platform to date is his 999 tax plan, in which he plans to reduce all tax levels to the 9% range (whats wrong with 0%, mister?) But what he is hoping we don't notice is what happens when you turn his tax plan on it's head. That's right, we have 666. Let's learn the lesson Jesus is trying to teach us here. No more black Presidents, America.

FREEEEDOM!

Occupy wall street? You don't have an army, hippies! In New York city there is a gathering of the future homeless populace of our great country, all complaining that they are being taken for everything they are worth without any consideration for their needs. Well I would like to be the first to reach out and embrace these pot-smoking liberals. That's right... The answer to all of their problems can be found within the Teabagger party! If you don't want your taxes to be wasted on frivolous pursuits, then get on the bandwagon with us and stop all taxation! With all the money you save at your tax-free minimum wage job you can afford to pay all your bills, negotiate a fair healthcare package with the provider of your choice, and manage some upward economic and social mobility! Oh yeah, we are going to be abolishing the minimum wage, so you might want to start saving up right away.

Oops...

 The Gipper. The greatest leader the world ever knew. The man who toppled the Soviet Union and ended the cold war. And most of his many accomplishments were completed while his mental faculties were hindered by Alzheimer's, a condition he tragically contracted following the administration of an HPV vaccine. And although he lost his way on occasion, such as granting amnesty to illegal Cuban aliens or causing a recession, we are pretty sure he hated minorities and poor people. And with this in mind we all wish for his second coming, particularly in the face of a pool of unelectable Republican Presidential candidates. We miss you, Ron.