Thank shit it’s finally memorial day! I have been waiting for months to get the opportunity to appreciate the sacrifices and efforts of this country’s military by calling over a bunch of friends, getting shitfaced, and cooking meat over coals in my back yard. My grandfather once told me that pretty much the only thing that keeps him getting up every morning after all these years is the thought that his brother bled out in a field in Vietnam so I could get an extra day off of work to force feed myself processed cheese once a year. So I consider it a duty of mine to make sure that sacrifice does not go unappreciated by drinking enough beer to make my piss run clear, and eat enough protein to make my shit the consistency of stale whole-grain bread.

Yessir, many americans laid their life on the line eagerly in exchange for promises of being buried under nondescript, identical headstones in graveyards that receive annual plastic flags and flowers, secure in the knowledge that their families might even remember them from time to time and head down to the cemetery to explain what the name on the cross means to their children. And who can blame the kids for being pissed off that they can’t play the nintendo DS for a half hour while the family weeps over a chiseled rock? Our soldiers died so that the worst suffering that kid would know would be having to wear something other than a t-shirt and sweatpants for a few hours on a day other than sunday.

And I think we can all feel warm hearted about how the corporate entities in our country put aside profits on this weekend, and in reverence for our fallen soldiers decide to dramatically slash prices on everything from cars to kitty litter. I know that personally I will remember those in my family that fought and died for freedom every time that I hear my cat scratching away in the litter box after taking a sizable, patriotic feline shit. I was watching one hell of a NASCAR race this weekend when I saw a commercial for a gun shop that can apply an american flag graphic FOR FREE to any rifle with a synthetic stock that is purchased through the end of memorial day, and I fucking cried like the day Earnhardt hit the wall.

So before you go to bed tonight to sleep off the liquor and grilled beef, make sure you look around you at the world we live in and appreciate those that made it all possible. And if anything is worth choking to death on your own blood in a foreign country, it’s watching the new season premier of "The Bachelorette" on this glorious holiday.

Another Enemy Bested

Today we at the Patriotic Historical Revisionist Society of America recognize Memorial day, a worldwide celebration of American courage and pride in our many successful efforts during wartime, and to remind us of the sacrifice made by the finest soldiers the world has ever had the pleasure of hosting. America has long taken the international community as our subordinates and proudly bore arms to protect them against the evil forces that would do them harm, often at the cost of life, indeed the most valuable type of life: American life. So to pay our tribute to the fallen we present to our dear readership the often forgotten tale of the role of America in the death of Joseph Stalin.

Many are now aware of the once unknown story of how American forces infiltrated Paris during the Nazi occupation and completed a bold assassination plot against Adolf Hitler, as was so beautifully recounted in the documentary film

Inglorious Basterds

by Quentin Tarantino, but few know the story of the final days of the brutal dictator Joseph Stalin. For those unfamiliar with world history, Stalin was an atheist, communist dictator of the Soviet Union during the second World War. While he held a non-aggression pact with Hitler's Germany in 1939, Hitler broke their agreement when he boldly initiated an invasion of Soviet territories with Operation Barbossa on June 22, 1941. The move proved to be foolish as German Wehrmacht forces were defeated for the first time after coming within 20 miles of the Kremlin in Moscow, and resources were badly depleted for the German army in the costliest engagement of WWII in terms of loss of human life.

Joseph Stalin was a brutal dictator, and was responsible for between 3 and 60 million deaths during his rule, not to mention the rape of hundreds of thousands of German women after the Soviets took Berlin at the end of the war. In post war negotiations Stalin quickly became at odds with western forces as he tried in vain to assert Soviet influence to gain territories beyond the Western Poland that was gained through agreements with Hitler. Once Stalin had begun supporting North Korean aggression in the Korean War, it was clear that his terrible reign must end.

President Truman took office in January of 1953, and worked closely with exiting President Roosevelt to complete Operation Christian Crusader that was well underway in FDR's administration. The focus was to send a common schoolchild into the belly of the Soviet beast to assassinate Joseph Stalin who had outlived his usefulness to become a nuisance to the West. The brave boy selected was Billy Nelnick, aged 12, a student at St. Jude's Catholic School in Charleston, South Carolina. He was immediately drafted as a special operative in the United States Army and granted the lowly rank of Private on January 5th, 1953.

After only a month and a half of training the young boy was sent to infiltrate the Iron Curtain and make a bold play for the death of Stalin himself. After gaining access to Stalin's Kuntsevo residence just west of Moscow, the boy was able to apply a fatal amount of the rat poison warfarin to Stalin's personal bedside tobacco pipe. Upon returning to his home on the evening of March 1, 1953, Stalin ingested the poison and was found on the floor of his bedroom the following day, diagnosed with a cerebral hemorrhage (an effect of the poison), of which he died four days later.

Upon his heroic escape Private Nelnick was immediately promoted to the rank of Sergeant, and was able to advance his way to the prestigious rank of Four Star General before being tragically taken down by a sniper's bullet in Cambodia while undertaking Operation Linebacker during the Vietnam war in 1972. He died while engaged in frontline combat, despite military objections that he was far too valuable personnel to be entrenched in ground conflicts. His courageous actions were proof to the entire world that a seemingly harmless American child was indeed possessed with greater valor and cunning than the entire Soviet Union, and had the effect of creating an international environment of American admiration that lasts to this day.

So let his sacrifice be an example, indeed one of many, of the American exceptionalism that has become the international hallmark our great country is now known by. And let us never forget that the prosperity of the western world owes it's debt to our grandeur.