Have you ever spoken to a total retard?  Not like a person with a genuine mental handicap or an extra chromosome, or anything, but a true retard?  If you are shaking your head right now then I have news for you.  You are the retard.  And by the way, no one can see you shaking your head, dopey.

I decided that some things need extra explanation.  Not really complicated stuff, like string theory, psychology of the female gender, or the implications of a growing Chinese global economy, but more simple stuff.  Like evolution.  When you say the word most people have one of two reactions to it.  They either recognize it as demonstrable reality, a theory only due to the stringent requirements within the scientific community to deem something a “law”, or they think you mean humans came from chimpanzees.  Can you guess which one is the retard?

If you guessed the latter, then give yourself a cookie.  You earned it.  If I only had a nickel for every time I was discussing evolution and someone interjected “I ain’t descendeded from no chimp!” I would have like, at least five bucks or something.  First, you can rest assured that no one is trying to say your momma is a chimp.  All it is saying is that at some point in our several million year history (a long time), before we were even humans, there existed an animal that ended up being the progenitor of both humans and apes.  One of the most ridiculous arguments made against evolution is that it cannot be the truth, because we cannot be descended from chimps if they still exist.  Hopefully I don’t have to explain why that is retarded.

But everyone should know that it exactly this argument that Charles Darwin was trying to avoid when he was releasing

On the Origin of Species

back in the 19th century.  He knew that everyone would completely disregard the amazing simplicity and obvious truth of natural selection and get hung up on the most famous of human flaws, egocentrism.  They would see that if animals were descended from less complex and advanced life forms, then maybe we were too.  And that couldn’t be true, since we were certainly built in the image of the almighty creator, who for some reason needed a physical form that was perfectly adapted to exist on a lonely rock floating in the void of oblivion.  It bothered him so much that he resisted publishing his life’s work until academic competition threatened to rob him of his advancements.

The entire basis of the theory of evolution is built around the concept of natural selection, which is devilishly simple (pun intended).  All it states is that any creature that reproduces sexually is more likely to survive, and thus reproduce, if they are better suited to their environment than their peers.  And if some seemingly minor mutation occurs in a creature (as occurs regularly), then that mutation will often times be passed onto it’s offspring should it have reproductive success.  Basically, if something survives, it is more likely to fuck.  And if it fucks, it is more likely to reproduce, making it’s genes survive through the generations.  And before you get all christian on me and preach about how “life is far too complex to adapt into a human from a single cell organism”, I must stop you.  This is not such an amazing feat, as your mother accomplished it in a mere 9 months.  Blasphemy, I know.  

It does not end there, however.  Because a mutation does not need to be an advantage to be passed on, it just needs to be present in a surviving population.  There are countless examples of perfectly adapted and fit species dying out due to some cruel, random chance extinction, only to be replaced by a less evolved creature.  Therefore I submit to you, dear reader, that the very presence of the multitude of retards in our midst proves this theory.  Because where there is one retard you are certain to find another, equally big retard in their family tree.  Retardation, you see, is one of the dominant mutations that has been plaguing our species since we first crawled out of the mud puddles.  And it is still going strong.

For billions of years the earth has been in balance with itself, and has long sustained a constantly evolving biology driven by the variables of reproductive success. The ingenious way this is achieved is through the death or sterilization of the weakest among a given species' ranks. If every monkey but one was able to climb trees, he stood a higher probability of being eaten by predators. If a particular dinosaur was born with an uncontrollable urge to gnaw off it's own genitals then it was much less likely to breed successfully and pass along those undesirable genes. Then came mankind.

We have managed to overcome that natural balance and create a bountiful and lush environment for ourselves to rapidly reproduce. Where it is cold, we make warm homes. Where it is hot we air condition. And when someone is born with their brain and lungs on the outside of their body, we stuff them back in, sew them up, and send them to school to be educated. Not surprisingly this has given rise to some rather unfavorable genes still floating around in our society.

And before you get up on your high horse and accuse me of advocating genocide, I would like to to point out that this problem will have no consequence for humanity in any way. You see, in order for us to degrade our genepool to the point that we are no longer viable and become extinct we would need to survive many thousands and millions of years from now. We all know that we will either destroy the earth's ability to sustain us and we will starve, we will destroy all society and culture in world wars, or both, long before we suffer on evolutionary terms.

Want proof that natural selection is dead? I will provide several examples of modern body modification practices that have their roots in medieval torture, all with glorious pictures you can cringe at. If we are to the point of inflicting these atrocities on ourselves willingly, then we have retained genetic markers that should have long ago been selected out of the genepool.

We start with the most famous torture/execution method in history, crucifixion. You see, this method utilizes nails to suspend someone from a structure and cause their body weight to tear their flesh and leave them to suffer in agony. The modern equivalent is done with stainless steel hooks that pierce the skin, and is quite common among counter-culture groups.

Another torture practice is known as flaying and consists of the removal of the skin, usually in long strips. This is one of the more universally feared torture methods, for obvious reasons. But some body modification enthusiasts still pursue this horrible procedure. Although quite intricate and artistic, the scarification process makes my skin crawl (pun intended).

The act of quartering is basically the forceful removal of the limbs, usually after tying arms and legs to horses and setting them all running in different directions. This is a truly ferocious method of amputation and spells certain death for the accused. The modern equivalent is surgical amputation, from the toes (pictured here) to full limbs.

The final example is particularly brutal, and is known as "the pear of anguish". This contraption is inserted into the vagina or anus and cranked until the device blossoms, causing severe distention in the sensitive tissues and assuring infection. The same concept is applied regularly in the pornography industry, as well as in private sexual practices. It is interesting that this terrifying act has evolved into a pleasurable one, as indicated by her sincere smile.

So there you have it, readers. You have now been enlightened to the evolution of torture and it's implication on the decline of observed natural selection in the human race. There is no need to thank me, but you're welcome anyway.