Master Bastard
Classtard

Popular Irony unfinished

Unholy Union

Melvis Therman
I work in a large office building full of many mystical beasts.  I know I am surrounded on all sides by magic but magic hides itself well.  Alphonso the janitor is a Necromancer of the highest order, Mary in corporate services is an extra-dimensional being of darkness and Mr. Haverni dwells within an utter half life of despair craving the taste of human flesh.  

Almost every one of my coworkers is a demon, monster, mutant or alien.  They are all here for a reason,  I can't let them know that I know.  I must continue my job in accounts receivable until I have a plan.

I watch them in the lunch room, their faux-faces barely hiding the monsters underneath.  Their arms jerking and jaws wagging as they mimic human speech.  I know they are planning something I dare not tell anyone, there is nobody I can trust.  After months of observing, I am no closer to obtaining any answers.  I must act.

I have a plan to lure and ensnare of the creatures.  There is a She-Beast who is a Sys-Admin in Tech Ops.  Her name is Jennifer Goodin.  Her skin suit is very well crafted.  You can barely tell that it is fit to burst from within with tentacles and gnashing teeth.  I must be wary,  I can't let it know that I am terrified.

I see the Jennifer creature outside of the lunch room.  It is perfectly replicating a middle aged, female, human conversation.  I wait for the other lumbering beasts to wander off to the cafeteria.  The Jennifer creature is alone.  I calmly approach the reeking animal.  "Hi Jennifer, how's it going?" I ask.

"Oh, hi Melvis, I'm fine, how are you?"  The creature responds.

Horrified by the monsters proximity I barely manage to speak "I am doing great!  Say, I was wondering if you would be interested in going to see a movie with me, maybe some dinner?  I promise that I am a lot of fun outside of the office."

"That sounds like fun!  I am free on Friday night,  how about 7:00?" The creature spits sentences at me like putrid chunks of potato. I could barely keep from retching.

"Sounds great.  I will see you at 7:00 on Friday."  I responded.

Friday night  came and went.  The unholy beast acted like it enjoyed itself and I played the part of  the overanxious suitor.   Ridding the world of this monster was going to be harder than I thought.  I would have to dedicate myself to a long strategy.  This demon woman is not yet mature.  I must keep an eye on it and when the time is right, I can strike it down for the good of humanity. 

I continued dating the creature until one day, I proposed.  The monster did not see through my charade and accepted.  Little did it know that it was all part of my master plan to extinguish her taint from this earth.  The unholy union was attended by my parents and the beasts from the deep from which she was spawned.  They play the part of Florida retirees quite convincingly.  

In fifty or sixty years when the demon within her reaches maturity, I will be ready will lethal vengeance.  Until then, we are buying a house in a really good school district where we will one day raise our infant demon spawn.  This is a good plan.