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Plural Intimacy for Dummies: Orgy Etiquette

Your first orgy can be a terrifying experience if you haven't been properly briefed on etiquette. A lifelong dream can degenerate into a nightmare of shameful proportions, and your only probable opportunity squandered. I have created this guide just for the dudes, since it is impossible for a woman to ruin an orgy. Even screaming, crying or fighting only serve to rally the male participants.

Firstly, it is essential to bring a willing female companion to your first orgy. You have to remember that you are the enemy to every man in the room, except the power-bottom in the speedo. Contributing a female will make it clear that you balloon knot is staying tightly tied, while giving you a chance to get involved and shake the "pervy new guy" vibe. And try not to walk into the room and conduct your introductions with a raging hardon. Bad form, Goober!

I know which pocket he keeps his keys in.


And when the action starts you should avoid gawking. Pointing, laughing, and gagging are all examples of poor spectator etiquette. And remember, Sea World rules apply: audience members in the front row WILL get wet, and you mustn't offend by flinching. By the end of the night you will have enough DNA in your garb to start a sperm bank, so the squeamish need not apply.

Gallagher would be proud

When it comes to partners, you should choose quickly. If you don't start right away you may be approached by an undesirable female, and if asked to pair up you are obligated to accept. To deflect an unwanted male advance, use the magic phrase "I ate tacos today" and watch them head for the hills. Mud butt is gay kryptonite.

We call this "the Mexican goaltender"

Most importantly you have to enjoy yourself. You may have a tendency to try to impress your fellow participants, but jizz accuracy and staying power are the only skills that will be appreciated by this crowd. And if you try too hard you may never be invited back again, and being alone after experiencing plural intimacy is maddening. To ensure another invite try to last until the final four, and remember the Rule of Thumb: If your thumbs are not embedded in something warm, you aren't doing your job.  Now get to buggering, Susan.