Jesus on the Moon
|Father Dunson Gramalazzo|
Phew. . . Hey everybody, sorry I'm late. As you can see I have a bit of the pink-eye and you all know what a bitch that can be. So let's get this rolling I know we are all ready to watch the game, . . . . any game.
Let's see here, um.. . In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy shit this pink-eye iches, I just can't stop rubbing it . . . . . NNNNNMMMMAAh feeels so good to ruuub. Ah.
Well ok. Have I ever told you sheeple about the time Jesus went to the moon? No? Well It will blow your fucking mind folks. Right Sister Ruth? Ruth? What? Where is she? In the shitter? Oh ok. Well tell her to wash her hands, we don't need any more of this pink-eye. I swear, she's got the hygiene of a fucking homeless person.
It was a hot, dry, uncomfortable day in Nazareth. Jesus was occupying his time at one of his favorite watering holes, The Filthy Philistine Bar and Grill. Jesus was engaged in a game "don't get stabbed". His opponent was a young, bearded, bleeding man. "Please!, I don't want to play this game!" Screamed the man
"Aw quit whining and get stabbing!" Barked Jesus.
"But your wounds just heal!" shouted the man.
"Then you shouldn't have bet me! Alright, what was the bet? 200? Just give me 400 and we can call this whole thing off." Spoketh the Lord.
"Thats the problem, I don't even have the 200, you looked like an easy mark. Please forgive me Jesus!!" Pleaded the man.
Jesus starred directly into the man's eyes breathing deeply for what seemed like an eternity. The two did not break eye contact until Jesus calmly approched the man, took him by the hands and rocketed through the ceiling beyond the mesosphere.
Moments later Jesus landed on the surface of the moon holding the swollen, frozen man. "This is what happens when you try to cheat the Son of God Motherfucker!" Jesus then realized that there is no atmosphere on the moon and he was breathing vaccum. "Well this sucks." vacumm talked Jesus. "I can only use my Celestial Ascension spell every couple of weeks."
What was our savior to do? Well not much. It's the moon. He mostly wandered around kicking rocks and watching his pee freeze as it drifted away from his holy penis. Also, he ate that guy that he drug up there with him. There is nothing like eating another frozen human in the vaccum of space on a cold, lifeless rock. Several weeks later, Jesus was recharged and ready for his return to Earth. Savior does not exactly mean "Rocket Scientist". Jesus misjudged his reentry and landed smack dab in the middle of the Pacific ocean. But that is a Psalm for another day.
So all you kids out there who want to be Astronauts when you grow up, remember.. . . The Moon fucking sucks! Well let's get this over with. I forgot the Eucharist but I have a tube of Pringles. Same dif.. . . . Now everybody line up and open wide . . . while I . . . *pop* pop the Pringles. Now I only have one Fruit Punch Gatorade so we'll all have to share.
Blessed are you, Lord, God of all creation. Through your goodness we have this bread to offer, which earth has given and human hands have made. It will become for us the bread of life. See, those are tasty right? It's some new Spicy Taco flavor.