Master Bastard
Classtard

Popular Irony unfinished

Hamtackle 2012!

Greetings, my fellow Americans. Due to a recent failure to raise funding for a 90 second commercial detailing my campaign platform, I reach out to you all again in this wonderful grassroots format, the internets. And since I take the responsibility of educating my future constituents very seriously, please take a few moments to familiarize yourself with the policies you will soon be adopting.

We live in a world where weakness is coddled, and anyone can make their way on the backs of the more able among us. Furthermore, advances in medicine and healthcare have made dying from stupidity nearly impossible. To address this concern and purge the American populace of undesirable genes, I propose a ban on reduced speed zones near schools.

This may seem like a rather dramatic approach to the problem, but we must accept that while every person has a right to life, they also have an obligation to the application of common sense. And I can tell you this: my children know to stay the hell out of the street.

The Hamtackle administration would also make election reform a priority, introducing a multiplier for voters that performed in the top ten percent on a political intelligence examination. The exam would be entirely optional, but could allow for a x2 value for your vote if passed.

My opponents say this practice would be prejudicial against the uneducated and feeble-minded. I couldn't agree more. But before we engage in a civil rights debate let me point out that no rights are being taken away, but rather supplemented for those that put in the effort to understand the issues.

And why is it that my fellow Presidential candidates refuse to even reply to my campaign on these matters just shows that their well has been poisoned by partisan business-as-usual politics in Washington. Since I am unable to obtain an invitation to any of the currently scheduled Presidential debates I will be forced to represent my supporters via the Twitter. Please tune in on September 7th to see my rebuttal and commentary.

Thank you, America.