Police Briefing: 8/24/2012

Good morning everyone, let's get this briefing done quick so we can all get out on the streets and start protecting people.  Now then, first order of business, we received a bunch of those "Rate the NYPD" comment cards that the city has been giving out.  Big trouble people!  We got a bunch of 1 out of 10's on those comment cards.  Do you know how that makes us look?  I mean Officers, come on!

I want everyone giving 110% today!  We need to score some 10 out of 10's on those comment cards, not these measly 1 out of 10's!  So, for every jaywalking ticket you give out today, I want you to give out 9 more... 9 and 1 makes 10!  10's are what we are shooting for here people!

If you would normally give 1 speeding ticket, I want 10!  Catch 1 robber?  Not enough, 10!  If you help 1 little old lady across the road, I need you to help 9 more!  That's the way the game works now people!  You know what?  I am too damn excited to get started, let's skip the rest of the briefing and hit the streets!

..............

Oh crap, most of you have already left.  Oh well, I'll tell you guys and you just pass it on.  This 10 out of 10 thing does not apply when you shoot someone.  So, if you have to shoot 1 person today, you don't need to shoot 9 more.  I mean, I would really prefer if you didn't.  But for everything else, I am going to need that extra effort, capiche?

Popular Irony has been able to secure the exclusive copies of the now-infamous Prince Harry vegas party photos!  And since we have no respect whatsoever for the sanctity of the royal family, we actually have the guts to show them.  So sit back and enjoy a never-before seen side of the british monarchy.

This shot was taken by a close friend of Harry in the vegas desert landscape.  The story is that he was enjoying a game of volleyball with several members of his entourage as well as olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte!  He disrobed after a friendly bet was lost, and now we know that it's not just his cheeks that are red!

Here we see Harry in the buff at his hotel suite in the MGM Grand casino hotel.  Obviously suffering the effects of more than a few drinks, Harry shows off the crown jewels to the ladies that had been invited up to partake in the impromptu royal party.  The queen has been asked to comment on these nude images, but has declined.

Whoa!  Party animal alert!  As if we hadn't seen enough of Prince Harry's undercarriage, here he gives us the full monty.  One wonders how the military will view these disgraceful photos, taken after a game of billiards from the MGM suite.  But one thing is for sure, these pics will devastate the english countryside in a way that hasn't been seen since the air raids.

Someone was pounding on my door.

I got up and marched to the door in my underwear, ready to scream at the asshole that had the nerve to wake me up at noon on a saturday, but it was just my landlord. She was an old, used up broad. She was probably worth buying a drink for ten years ago, but now she was a novelty fuck at best. The kind that you never told your friends about.


I told her that next wednesday was payday, and surprisingly she left it at that. It was only after I headed to the bathroom to take a piss that I noticed the three inches of my shriveled cock hanging out of my boxers. Good thing I have no shame. I peeled off the five-day-old shorts and took a cold shower, got dressed, then carried two garbage bags full of empty bottles down to the dumpster. It smelled like dog shit and immigrant cum in the alleyway.


I cleaned up the apartment for about two hours, wiping and mopping up every body fluid I had to offer and then some, even washing the dishes and the coffee maker. Then I drove down to Sullivan's, the adult book store and arcade, to jerk off in a booth. I had a computer and my neighbor had an unprotected wifi connection, but I always got harder in a filthy booth, masturbating to 80's porn on a 16 inch tube tv like I when I was a kid.


"Psst!" Some guy whispered, tapping his fingers on the top of the stall door. This was the one downside of the porn shop. Fags always trying to sell blowjobs to desperate men. I pretended I didn't hear him and tried to keep my erection. "C'mon, man. I'll suck yer dick for free, I swear!" I only had eight minutes left in the booth and I was now as limp as overcooked pasta. I unlocked the booth door.


It was a fat asian guy with glasses and a big grin. He didn't say anything, didn't even look me in the eye as he closed the door behind him and reached for my dick. I couldn't punch him. I was too angry. I grabbed him by the sides of the head and squeezed hard, clenching my teeth until I felt one of my molars crack. The whole thing happened so fast, no shouting or struggle, it was like he knew it would be worse if he fought back. I pushed his head down into the tile floor of the booth where he turned onto his side to protect his face. His t-shirt was pulled over his fat gut, exposing the tip of his tiny boner poking out of the top of his sweatpants. I stomped on it hard twice before he got his hands down to protect it. He was whimpering as I gathered myself and walked out of the shop. Thanks to him I will never go back again.

We at Popular Irony are convinced that there is someone out there for everyone. No matter how strange, pathetic, controversial, or just plain disgusting a person is, their perfect match is waiting for them. In the past it was more difficult to find somebody that shared your odd habits and tastes, but online anything is possible. And we intend to prove it

Meet Greasedaddy. We carefully constructed his profile to appeal to a very specific person, mainly an exceptionally strange one. He is a white bisexual male from Iowa who frequently sports a neckbeard, very tall at 6'5", has comments like "I am an open book with a few pages stuck together", and claims to be "well-known throughout the streets". I included a mugshot background for the profile pic for added effect.

 If Greasedaddy can find love, then you can too. Check back for actual corrospondence (with identities protected, of course) as it rolls in. We hope to find that one-in-a-million person that will look past all of the red flags to find the non-existent person within. Hopefully a little desperation will go a long way here.

Smear your poop all over me. -Toilet Paper

You turn me on and make me gush. -A Shower

Why don't you stuff that big stallion inside of me? -A Small Barn

Pee in my gaping hole. -A Toilet

Squirt your syrup on me. -A Stack Of Pancakes

Lick your finger first and then open me. -A New Book

Fill me up with your meat and then eat me. -A Taco Shell

I could stay in your pussy all day. -A Tampon

I've got a huge donkey dick. -A Donkey

Lick my bean! -A Vanilla Plant That Became Ice Cream

Little boys make me wet. -A G.I. Joe Beach Towel

Don't worry baby, I'm sterile. -An Autoclave

I brought a friend, we can suck and blow at the same time. -A Leaf Blower and A Vacuum

My hot white foam is all over your upper lip. -A Cappuccino

Put your nuts in my mouth. -A Nutcracker

Please let me up your ass. -A Suppository

Go ahead, deflower me. -A Rose Bush

Put your meat inside of me.  -A Refrigerator

Put your meat inside of me.  -A Hotdog Bun

Put your meat inside of me.  -A BBQ

Put your meat inside of me.  -A  Meat Grinder

I'll swallow your seed. -A Parakeet

That pussy stinks like fish. -A Cat That Lives On The Docks

Who is the man

That can get you off with just one hand?

HILT... Can you dig it?

Who is the smooth mofo

That will leave you satisfied fo sho?

HILT...  You goddamn right.

He's the one packing purple heat

That drags on the ground between his feet!

HILT...  Right on

And who has the veiny neck

That can keep your appetite in check?

HILT...  You know I'm talkin' bout Hilt!

Hilt's the guy with the magic seed

Who gives the protein boost to all in need

Todd Hilt.

At work the next day a pretty younger girl showed concern when I started coughing to the point of choking. I could tell by her eyes that she was desperate for some man to come along and love her, desperate enough to reach out to an older, fatter, balding man that she barely knew. But I would only use her up. And even though I would love every minute of it I couldn't shake the image of the crucifix she wore between her perfect breasts. I just didn't have the heart to prove to her that God didn't exist. So I assured her I was fine and went about my business.

When I got home I spent two hours trying to cry. I thought of all the horrible things I've done, contorted my face and made pathetic weeping noises, but didn't manage a single tear. I suppose I just wanted to have an emotion that wasn't contempt or anger, but maybe I am too far gone for it. Instead I drank straight from the bottle in my underwear and spent the evening listening to my neighbors scream at each other until I yelled at them to shut the fuck up. When Dave screamed back I threatened to kill him in the hallway and then stood outside their door until it was clear he wasn't coming. They were actually very nice people, normally. I went back to my apartment and finished the bottle before falling asleep on the couch.

I was twenty minutes late for work the next day, and got halfway through my shift before I realized it was friday. It was the last day for one of the receptionists there, and she was going to retire after finding out she was really sick. She told me what she had once, but I don't remember what it was. The staff were all signing an oversized retirement card with the words "Miss You Already!" scrawled across the front, and it made it's way onto my desk. When I signed it I could see that everyone was planning on meeting up later that evening to say goodbye. At least they had the good sense not to invite me, and I knew what bar to avoid that night. I hate seeing people that I know.

I went to the same bar from a few nights ago, and was drinking for some time until I noticed the whore was there again. Luckily she was with some other loser this time, trying her damnedest to make me jealous. But I had already been there, and it wasn't worth visiting again. Instead I flirted with the bartender until she gave me a free drink, the equivalent of patting a dog on the head to a lonely drunk.

After paying my tab the bartender offered to call me a cab, but I explained I would be walking. "But it's raining, mister!" she said. I assured her I didn't mind, and pretended I didn't have car keys in my hand. Male bartenders didn't give a shit if you killed yourself and a family of four out on the highway, but women will call the cops. I drove home carefully.

Walking through my doorway I stepped on an envelope that had been slipped under the door. Apparently my rent was late. I thought about calling the whore back but decided she probably had a dick in her mouth by now. I spat blood into the sink and it left a heart-shaped stain on the porcelain. How romantic.

Today on Fun and Profit, we will present you with a few ideas to get your own highly lucrative website up and running.  The most important part of a website is the domain.  The web address at which your customers can find you on the endless tubes of the Internets.  Checking with a domain provider, I have found that all of the domains I am about to present are available for purchase forthrightly.

The top earning website is an "Internet Search" site.  Google.  You can find pretty much anything you are looking for on Google.com.  Why not take their idea and make it your own with a flashy new specialty "Internet Search" site?  A search aggregate that is focused on specific topics.  You could really corner a niche market and make billions!

Here are a few available domains that would be perfect for earning massive profits....


Are you always looking for the fattest tits on the Internet?  Well toil no longer because with www.FatTitSearch.com, you will never not find fat tits again!


Not into fat tits?  Why not try  www.DickMouthfuls.com?  Every mouth is full of a dick when you search with DickMouthfuls.com!


Do you consume endless amounts of news and information?  Are your current search methods failing miserably?  Why not start your own news aggregate?  With www.InformationWhore.com you can find anything about anything.  It's like Wikipedia and Google had a retard baby! 


Are you a nudist and are always having trouble finding nude friendly restaurants?  Well, worry no more!  With www.NakedLunchSack.com you can dine with your innies and outies exposed for all to see while you wolf down bowl after bowl of delicious Clam Chowder.  Clam Chowder, the nudists soup of choice!


www.DiarrheaBandits.com is the perfect place to view pictures of people having embarrassing diarrhea is public.  I know that your photo album is swollen to it's purple hilt with humiliating photos of bowels gone bad.  Put em to good use, why don't you!?


Are you a closet cannibal?  Do you have trouble locating human flesh for feasting?  Everyone knows that the tastiest type of person is a baby.  Now you can scratch that cannibal itch with www.DeliciousToddler.com.  Connect with other cannibals and share recipes!


Our last, but certainly not least domain idea is www.DentureBlowjobs.com.  Today's granny pornography is so fake and Hollywood looking.  DentureBlowjobs is your one stop shop for real, amateur, geriatric junk suckling.


You better act fast!  These domains will not be available for long!  Your Welcome!!

I awakened again at around 10 o'clock, happy to see that the sun was down. I was much more comfortable knowing most people were sleeping in bed next to their spouse, their judgmental eyes closed to the sight of my disgraceful life. But without any liquor with which to enjoy myself I was at a loss. I brushed my teeth and bypassed a shower again, then ventured out to the bar.

"Double whiskey, and keep them coming." I told the barkeep. With a couple drinks in me and my hands occupied with cold glass I could sound like a genius to the common bar patron. Confidence and intelligence. Lying about both could get me laid most nights. Before long I was in a combination argument/flirting session with an increasingly beautiful older woman. She told me I was insufferable, I told her she smelled like a whore, then we kissed like we were trying to eat each other.

"Take me home" she said. But I hadn't drank my fill yet and I was willing to lose her over it. She understood and let me drink.

I had no idea what ghetto we were in, but she lived there. She tasted like cigarettes and other men, but I was happy to taste. I decided I would never speak to her again when she made a big phony spectacle during sex, screaming like she had something to prove to her neighbors. "Hear that? I'm getting fucked! And you all get to listen to it!" She wasn't massaging my ego, she was massaging her own. And for it she would win even more rejection, as I abandoned her used-up, snoring body and crept past her sleeping kids to make my escape.

At home I ate some canned sausages and crackers, watched a movie about a sled dog race that ended predictably in an inspiring moment of triumph, then went to sleep hoping I would accidentally swallow my tongue. But I woke up in the morning, disappointed.

My phone showed three missed calls and two voicemails. Fuck. I forgot I had given the whore my phone number. I brushed my teeth and washed my cock in the sink, then used the toilet. Upon inspecting the bowl I was not surprised to see the shit was dark like asphalt, reminding me that my ulcers would probably get infected and septic one day from all the drinking. A less-than-pleasant end to a less-than-pleasant life. But I was no quitter. With any luck I could manage a more epic and violent end.

I listened to the whore's messages, deleting the one where she was screaming and saving the one where she was crying. I didn't call her back, confident that a woman like her knew the look of a man's back when he was walking away. In all likelihood she was familiar with being rejected since her father climbed off of her when she was nine. I fed the dog for the first time in two days and got ready for work.

I worked 8 of 9 hours I was scheduled for, smiled at my coworkers like I gave a damn if they lived or died, then hit the liquor store on the way home. Two more missed calls on my cell, but the whore didn't leave any more messages. I decided to only drink enough to get to sleep, then finish the rest tomorrow after work. I wrote a story about a young boy that killed his school bully with a broken bottle, then slept like a baby.

From the producers of Toddlers In Tiaras and the industry leaders in child exploitation television worldwide, Authentic Entertainment, comes the newest advance in sports broadcasting. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the TFC, the Toddler Fighting Championship!

You the viewer have proven that you can't get enough of the sexualization of america's youth with the timeslot-leading ratings for the syndicated reality television beauty pageant extravaganza that is Toddlers In Tiaras, so now get ready to cut your teeth on the newest violent sensation to strike MMA, the TFC!

Watch as the nation's most dangerous two-through-six year olds battle to bloody victory to prove their preschool yard dominance.

The rules are familiar, but the faces are fresh and innocent. Victory comes by way of knockout, tapout, or ref stoppage, and all glory goes to the winner as we crown the first-ever TFC champion this Friday night at 9 eastern standard! In lieu of weight classes the fighters will be broken into categories by age, with the rattle division (2 and 3 yo), the sesame division (4 and 5 yo), and the heavy-hitting crayon division (6 yo)!

And there is seemingly no stopping the exploitation train when you see TLC's own Jonbenet Ramsey Ring Girls rile up the live audience and get them ready to watch the blood get shed and the baby teeth get flying! So remember that this Friday YOU have ringside seats reserved for the fighting spectacle of the century...

SEE YOU ON FIGHT NIGHT!!!!!!!