I recently had an opportunity to engage two of my interests when I combined my love of science with my rampant alcoholism, thanks to the product "Spike Your Juice".  I purchased this online for about $15 and got everything I need to turn six 64 oz bottles of juice into prison wine in just 48 hours!  This is a chronicle of my first batch, which was finished just last week.  Enjoy.

As you can see, here is my ingredients list.  I am using cran-pomegranate juice, but you can use any filtered juice with greater than 20g of sugar per serving.  And remember, junior scientists, cold kills the yeast so NO refrigerated juice, only room temp stuff.

The operation couldn't be simpler.  Just pour the yeast packet into the juice (keep in mind that this is not store-bought yeast, but has a sugary coating to boost reproduction and accelerate the fermentation) and replace the cap with the included gas lock lid, which allows the gas to escape without introducing additional unwanted bacteria.

Now I play the waiting game.  The instructions say it is ready after two days, but three days allows for more thorough fermentation leading to a much more dry and boozy wine.  And since we all know I am looking less for taste and more for shitfacedness, I opted for a three day brew.  It smells like cheap wine.  Because it is.

I decided to down it all in one night, as quickly as possible.  You know, for science's sake.  I used my favorite "Batman Forever" commemorative McDonald's glass, and it came out to 8 full glasses which I eliminated in about three hours.  It was surprisingly good, considering this is essentially the same product brewed in plastic sacks under prison bunks.  Did I get drunk?  Very much so.  I wish I could give a more descriptive account of the aftermath, but I topped off the wine with whiskey and managed to destroy the secure conditions of my testing environment.  I guess I will need to make more, maybe with a higher sugar content, and I might employ a coffee filter in the final stage.  In the name of science.  As a sidenote... if you ever plan to pursue any home experimentation I only ask that you heed the warning on the box:  Never replace the screwcap on your juice after spiking.  It will explode all over the place and leave your home smelling like the final round of a hobo orgy.  Seriously.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?  Now you are planning your big moment with your new wife, just a few short weeks after your union via satellite.  Just because she started writing you unsolicited after hearing the brutal nature of your crimes, it doesn't mean it isn't true love.  In fact, if you were still out on the streets you could imagine yourself with this pale, overweight, myopic, anxiety-prone, needy, submissive, annoying, introverted shut-in.  To set the mood we offer this brief tutorial on making that hasty courtship the best two hours of her life.

A.

  This will take some advance preparation, but is an essential step in making your mind willing to copulate with someone hideous in a fully lit and heavily monitored shack owned by the State of California.  Making pruno is easy if you have some fruit, yeast, and a bag to ferment it in.  And what more romantic way to begin the interlude than with some athletic sock-filtered prison wine?  If she seems squeamish just refer to the pruno as "artisanal wine", and she will feel more open to the experience.  Make a batch two weeks before the visit, and make sure to slip a few bucks to the staff to turn a blind eye.

B.

  After the deed is done, you should have about 1:55mins remaining in your two hour visit.  Bring a hand rolled cigarette made of only the finest nicotine-soaked discarded butts.  They make the most satisfying smoke, and put a traditional finish on an otherwise unconventional rendezvous.

C.

  The all-important radio.  Nothing sets the mood like some proper lovemaking music.  Make sure the model you bring has a digital clock on it.  Those pricks that run the place deliberately leave clocks out of the area, in hopes they can barge in and ruin any marathon sessions.  Choose your station in advance, and choose something SHE will like.  You may have to work through some country music ballads here.

D.

  Procure a prophylactic, preferably unused.  But any condom can be revived by running it under a faucet for a little while.  You can bet that she "forgot" to bring a rubber.  She knows that physical contact comes only once in a while, and she will use deception to force you into fathering a child to end her life-long loneliness.  Circumvent her efforts with this tactic.  And if she is obese enough you might be able to put it on and take it off without her ever seeing it, just keep her gut between your cock and her face at all times.

E.

  You may need to rely on your partner to sneak this one in, but luckily it comes in an incredibly easy to conceal shape!  The dildo could serve to finish off your partner after you climax and lose interest, or to satisfy your new affinity for pegging, as is common with long term prisoners.  Just remember the unspoken rule of the conjugal visit room:  whatever is smuggled in MUST be smuggled out.  Bring all the gear you desire, but leave only DNA.