Sis, we growed up together, always side by side. Whether on the playground or in the washin' tub, we always had each other's backs. Now that we are of breedin' age I figured we should do the responsible thing and make it official, so this Valentine's day I just wanted to ask... Will you be mine?

Don't listen to them other boys that make fun and say mean things, since they is just angry cuz their sisters are just big and fat, and Billy's sister gots an eyepatch for life and I herd she ain't got no eye under there. But you is just as purdy as any girl up in these hills and yer face reminds me of momma before she was kilt in that trailer fire three harvests ago. Plus we can always be together since we already livin' in the same barn and such, and you know how hard a worker I am cuz I take care of all the sheeps while you are off gettin' schoolin'. And you gonna be happy that I found out what was makin' by mouth stink so bad, and once daddy gets my tooth gone my breath is gonna be right again.

Now I know daddy gonna be right angry when he finds out that we gettin' all close like, especially since he been makin' eyes at you since momma died, but I know we can tell him how much we love each other and he will understand. After all, he and grandad had the same talk when he an' momma run off and got married cuz they was brother and sister before they was husband and wife. But we gots to take it slow like, and only be foolin' around (no kissin') until daddy gives us his blessing. So I'm gonna be a real gentleman until you get fond of me like a boyfriend instead of just a brother, starting with this poem:

The tractor is red,

The sheeps is mostly yella,

So what do you say, sis?

Can I be yer fella?

BE MY VALENTINE!

Well, pickle my titties and call me Susan!  If it ain't another customer!  Settle down there city boy, 'cause I an't sellin' no corner store swill here.  I have only the best toilet-bowl homebrew straight from the backwood stills, JEN-U-WINE Dead Rat Distilleries products!  Before you turn tilly and get stumpin' on down the road give ol' Uncle Pricklepeach a listen.

You see, we got here a full stock of all the local delights.  Consider Leechwater Bourbon, brewed from stagnant creek tailings then aged six days in a possum-skin canteen on my own personal tin roof, with every bit as much paint thinner as the premium homebrewed bourbon, but at half the price for the easygoing drinker that doesn't mind a little hair in the glass.  Or perhaps some Budget Backwash Blend, with a "bit of the bunch" squeegeed fresh every morning off the bathroom floor, an inexpensive and intoxicating alternative to sampling our entire selection individually!

Or perhaps a little VEE-NO is more your style?  I knew it when I saw you, you got culture, sir!  Give a try to our

Five-Finger Pixie Stick Wine, consisting of a so-fist-icated pairing of grape juice concentrate and lime flavored pixie sticks, fermented until all five fingers are standing up on the heavy rubber glove.  Or is it a more formal occasion?  Well you can't go wrong with

Shameful Sibling's Baby Brew, the only wine in the nearest four counties to guarantee a miscarriage!  That's right, don't let a night's mistake last for 18 years... Just "leggo that preggo" with a bottle of Shameful Sib's!

But make sure you don't miss out on our flagship spirit, the juice that started off three generations of artisanal distilling, Dead Rat Whiskey!  Painstakingly crafted over a six hour burn,Dead Rat Whiskey is collected in a drum with a LIVE RAT in the bottom.  And only when the whiskey is potent enough to kill the varmint is it ready to bottle!  And remember to drink slowly to sift out the tiny teeth... they're good luck!!!

And as always, consume responsibly and remember our commitment to the buyer...  We will always distill our liquors over a decades-old tire fire to a blistering 180 prewf before filtering through a gymsock.  And for the rich folks that can afford them, Dead Rat Distilleries makes only products that won't dissolve your dentures!  So call in sick to your probation appointment, unscrew a bottle, and tuck into some Delicious Dead Rat!