All rise! Be humble in the shadow of his greatness! It is he, the one who has been chosen as the most involuntarily chaste among us, he who hath not experienced the touch of the feminine kind. Bow to the regally rotund one, the leader of all who require assistance bathing, the champion of them that have little need of their squishy bits, and protector of those which claim no desires that cannot be quenched by mountain dew or cool ranch doritos.

Behold his unkempt girth in all it's pimply glory! Be modest in the presence of the hermitage of his unseen penis, for it knows not but of the darkness and the dampness... You must submit to the whims of his ample fancy, for you also know not the pleasures of the reproductively active. In the light of his greatness your inexperience in the commencement of buggery knows no kinship, for the only other to behold his genitalia was, in no doubt, the duo of his parentage and the midwife which received him.

Receive him. For he is the glorious unloved, the bearer of the genitalia of perpetual shadows, the exalted King Of The Virgins!