You almost did it, didn't you? You almost absentmindedly gave an incredibly offensive gift to someone you love and respect. Good thing you read Popular Irony every day, huh? Tonight we offer a brief last minute checklist to make sure your gifting remains appropriate this holiday season. No one wants a repeat of that year you gave grandma the personal lubricant gift basket, so pay attention. Avoid giving any of the listed items to the corrosponding people, and you can be sure that the only tears shed this holiday season are tears of familial hatred, not shame and regret.

Person recently diagnosed with cancer:

Electric razor
Lifetime membership to ANYTHING
Geiger counter
An hourglass
"Bucket List" themed stationary

A male homosexual:

A subscription to the Westboro Baptist Church newsletter
Condoms
Ableware 725120000 Bathroom Anus Stimulator ($67.48 on Amazon)
Narrow bicycle seat

A paraplegic:

A pedometer
A ladder
10 year paid membership to e-harmony
Any length of rope

An obese person:

Airplane tickets
A bike
Industrial size baby powder
"Adopt a starving child" sponsorship
One shoe (tasteless diabetes joke)

A recent parolee:

City bus pass
New hairnet and latex gloves
Carton of cigarettes
Tattoo removal voucher
Resumé writing service

An expectant mother:

Rollerskates
Planned Parenthood brochure
Extra large novelty underwear
Victoria's Secret gift card
Condoms

So just remember to be a little more thoughtful the next time you go shopping for your diverse group of friends. After all, it's the thought that counts, and you almost let everyone know you are an asshole by giving an inappropriate gift. You can thank Popular Irony later for this faux pas prevention post!

The Ableware 725120000, since you're curious.