Hi again there, internet people!  Frisky Pete here with all new reviews for the newest big movies at the theaters!  It has been a long time sence I have been able to write things about the movies, and that is because I have been in rehab for snorting the powder that builds up on car batteries.  But I am really better now, and I am back on the booze insted.

The transformers and godzilla one

I saw three movies this month, and I want to tell you about the one that I thought was real, real good.  There was a very loud movie that was called Specific Rim, and it was about the time in the early ‘60s when godzillas got into fights with transformers.  Most was dark an there were babies that were crying because of the loudness.  I liked the theater though, I think they play pornos here because it always smells like public toilets.  I had a relapse that day and had to lay down in the aisle from the battery powder, so I missed the ending, but I thought it was a good movie to see.  The overlying commentary of human perseverance seemed forced throughout, and a thin reasoning for overblown cinematic action that leaves most moviegoers dizzied, save the desensitized adolescent mind.

Two guns movie (left one is fake I think)

After that one I slept next to a mailbox, then went on the mexican bus (the dangerous one) and went to the moviehouse that they built to replace the hotel that burned down.  I decided to see the movie called 2 Guns.  It was a remake of the lethal weapon movies without Danny Glover and Braveheart in it because they got too old.  I missed the first ten minutes because the people in line were too cheap to buy my pencils, so I had to steal a ticket from a guy in a wheelchair.  I didn’t feel bad because he had both of his legs, even though they didn’t work.  I thought the movie was a big lie.  There were WAY more than 2 guns in it, I would say like at least a hundred.  2 Guns is a shining example of how casting can make or break a film, where the winding plotline and exaggerated shootouts would blend in to a cinematic landscape rife with likeminded titles.  But the charisma of two of actings finest specimens makes the routine quite special, and takes no small benefit from actors that are equally at home in drama as they are in action.

This thing with knives and ninjas

And then last friday I fell down and landed on a fork in an alley, so I had to go to the free clinic.  They gave me a pretty good pain killer for the stitches, so I decided not to waste it and go to see another movie.  The place next to billboard that has a picture of a fat guy holding donuts on it was showing The Wolverine, and I knew it would be about a guy with claws cutting up people.  I even got in free because I was showing everybody my stitches and they didn’t like me scaring them away.  And can you imagine something better than a guy with knife hands murdering superheroes?  How about a guy with knife hands killing ninjas!  The only thing I would say was bad was that for as many knives as this movie has there is very little disemboweling and choking on blood and vomit.  I saw Gutter Greg get stabbed about a month ago and he couldn’t stop throwing up blood until he died.  It is refreshing to see a film recognize it’s niche and stick to it, and also see it helmed by an actor that is now comfortable in this well-worn skin.  Jackman satisfies in this solo outing that shows Worlverine is not just a member of the X-Men franchise, he is the main show.

Well, that is pretty much all I can write about movies right now, since the library is going to close soon and I still need to take a shower in the sink.  I have to hop up like seven stairs to get to the nice bathroom, too, since I don’t feel like bathing in the bathroom with the glory hole in stall number three.  And if you know the library I am talking about, don’t go to the glory hole on tuesdays.  I have seen the tuesday guy bite them sometimes.  Weirdo.

It's time again for me to help our readers to vicariously experience the pale, white underbelly of shock horror cinema through my desensitized eyes. Tonight I bring you the third film in the Guinea Pig series, "He Never Dies". I am starting to develop a soft spot for shitty, gory japanese flicks, and judging by the title this one promises not to disappoint.

The opening breaks from the series' norm of establishing some kind of documentary-style realism in the story, although it is presented as fact by some english speaking presenter because, you know, white people never lie. Just ask the indians. But any illusion of reality is shattered by the format which tries to make you forget that a guy filming himself in his apartment wouldn't have fades, panning shots, or angle changes.

We greet our nameless protagonist in the act of slashing his wrists with a box cutter. But what drives a man to this kind of desperation? Glad you asked. He works in some stereotypical cubicle farm circa the early 1990's, complete with overbearing and demanding boss. His coworkers shit all over him and don't socialize, setting the scene for either a suicide case or a workplace spree-killer. But first he takes the natural approach of skipping work and becoming a shut-in. Been there. Then after deciding that his colleagues have forgotten about him, he decides to kill himself. The flick then showcases its amazing special effects by showing the blade cutting deep into his wrist, lifelike blood and sinew visible through the wound, but after some tense moments... nothing happens. The bleeding stops, and our anti-hero proclaims that he must be immune to pain, jamming his fingers into the slit and digging deeper.

Now, after discovering that you are impervious to pain and death, what would you do? Become a high-priced political assassin? A movie stuntman? A cage fighter, perhaps? Not this guy. He decides to push the limits on his body's invulnerability by severing his hand at the wrist and slicing his throat. Luckily he is able to retain some basic use of his hand after duct taping it back on, and decides to reach out to one of his work contacts to get more implements to test his physical limits with, namely some gardening shears and a hatchet, which he has delivered to him in the middle of the night.

When his former work buddy shows up he wastes no time in giving a bloody exhibition show, gutting himself hara kiri style and throwing his intestines at the screaming man until his body cavity contained only a rib cage and spinal column. Strangely, the movie ends when a woman enters the apartment to find the protagonist reduced to only a wise-cracking severed head on a table, and immediately begins cleaning the gore from the room for an unexplained reason.

Ultimately this movie was a big disappointment. I have come to expect brutal and relentless violence from this series, but this sequel was far more lighthearted and tame by comparison. Gone are the dark themes of murder and torture, replaced with self-mutilation by a character that is unable to even feel the pain. And can someone please explain to the producers that I cannot maintain an erection when you keep putting wacky hijinks in the middle of the gory scenes? Damn. I had high hopes for this one.

Welcome one and all to another installment of Films For Fiends, where I, Hamtackle, review the most foul, violent, and disturbing films of all time. Tonight I bring you Guinea Pig: The Devil's Experiment by Satoru Ogura. This is a somewhat legendary film that was released in 1985, and it was rumored to be a re-enactment of a snuff film that was sent to the director. He apparently watched it before sending it to the Tokyo police, but it dominated his thoughts until he reproduced it for our viewing pleasure. It consists of very little plot and a whole lot of brutal torture, and gave rise to the term "gorno". So let's see if it's worth a violence boner.

The film is only 43 minutes long, and centers around a group of three guys who decide to carry out a horrible experiment. They will capture a random woman and torture her until she decides to accept death, then send the results to the police. Charming, I know. It is all shot very amateurish to add to it's authenticity, and begins with a clean-cut lady tied to a chair being slapped repeatedly by her captors. They dip their hands in water and coat them in salt for further brutal effect, and beat her mercilessly with a coin-filled sock. The only saving grace to the disturbing scene is that it is clearly fake, and the woman takes the beating like a champ.

I imagine this might be where most real women would check out in real life, but this tough gal endures a three man texas-style boot party followed by a thorough pinching administered by pliers without appearing very impressed. The thugs take her toughness as a challenge, but again fail to break her when they inexplicably decide to spin her in an office chair to the point of unconsciousness, then force feed her liquor. Not much of a torture if you ask me. I did this same thing to myself two weeks ago.

Moving on to psychological torture, the men play computerized static to her through headphones for twenty hours until she screams like a banshee then appears to go comatose. But still she persists. It is at this point that they ratchet up the violence, tearing out patches of her hair and peeling away her fingernails. For me it would be at this point that I request a bullet, but not her. I am starting to like this lady.

Now the men liberally apply scalding cooking oil to her tender bits, starting with the inside flesh of her arms, to sizzling effect. Cue the maggots. The foul worms are applied to her burns and go to town on the necrotic flesh, although the girl seems too out of it to properly digest the horror of the situation. Strangely, the captors then decide to giggle like retards while they throw rotting meat at their prisoner. Entertaining? Yes. Torture? No.

But then the trio begins to truly test her bounds. They cut her hands with a scalpel and batter them with a hammer in what is actually a pretty convincing special effect, and then shove a needle through the side of her head and out her retina. Talk about escalating the situation. The film ends rather abruptly with a shot of the dead woman suspended in some kind of net.

So overall, how was it? I spent most of this film wondering what all the fuss was about. The majority of the torture is rather mundane and not particularly disturbing, but the ambiance and tone of it is quite menacing and downright mean. But the gouging of the eye was definitely cringe-worthy, even for someone as desensitized as myself. Overall I felt like I was cheated out of the gruesome promises the film made on the internet, probably mostly due to the acting of the victim. I am a big fan of japanese gore films, and they are generally much more inventive and unconventional than american slasher flicks, but the stoic submissiveness of the japanese woman lends itself better to pornography than torture, I guess. At least it avoids the transparently dishonest attempt at redeeming morality that tarnishes films like Cannibal Holocaust, although it is more likely to lull a gore-hound to sleep than inspire frantic masturbation. But I understand there are like six other brutal short films in the Guinea Pig franchise, so perhaps they will still live up to my expectations, assuming I can track them down. Until then, my blood lust will be left wanting.

Cannibal Holocaust is an italian horror film directed by Ruggero Deodato that was the center of much controversy when it was released in 1980 due to it's horrifically graphic portrayal of tribal violence and sexual torture. This is one of the first films to use the "found footage" concept to add realism, and is clearly had influence on later work like The Blair Witch Project. Apparently many thought the effects to be so realistic that they believed the film to be an actual documentary, which makes no sense as it is full of shitty acting and is clearly fictional. But this did not quell the controversy, and the film was widely banned amidst rumors that some of the actors were actually murdered on film to add to it's authenticity, and the film's producer was arrested on obscenity charges.

The plot centers around a group of American filmmakers that descend into the jungles of the amazon in search of indigenous tribal people that have been segregated from modern society. They predictably don't return, and an adventurous anthropologist takes up the task of hunting them down to determine their fate. Aided by a group of paramilitary guerrillas, the doctor is led into the heart of the jungle where he witnesses savage acts being performed by the cannibals.

They first discover a female being raped with huge wooden dildo before having her vagina packed with mud and bludgeoned to death. The jungle guides explain this is "an adultery punishment ritual", which seems pretty unlikely. Another dead giveaway to the fictional nature of this film is the absence of armpit hair and the well-manicured pubic hair of the "native" women, but then again morons never let logic get in the way of a good urban legend.

As the group encounters the tribal population they dazzle them with such modern technology as switchblade knives, guns, and music from a cassette player, and are pressured to join them in feasting on the liver of a long decomposed human corpse. They are able to get in the good graces of the natives and manage to recover the film record of the lost documentarians and return to modern society where they review the footage.

The lost footage shows routine horseplay as well as a gruesome scene of the group dismembering and eating a giant live turtle. As with all of these shock horror movies from the '70s and '80s the killing of live animals (including a later scene of a monkey being decapitated) is always the most disturbing aspect of the gore, and could never be done today without widespread outrage.

Things turn south for the group after their guide is bitten by a poisonous snake, prompting the group to hastily amputate his leg, killing him. When the group first encounters the tribal people, they shoot one of them in an attempt to slow him down and follow him to the larger population, setting off a chain of events that seals their fates. The dark side of the documentarians is revealed, and they strangely decide to kill as many of the natives as possible by lighting their huts on fire. Why they do this is never quite explained, and makes no sense since they continue filming it and apparently still plan on releasing this film on their return.

The doctor that retrieved the film becomes distraught when watching it, and becomes reluctant to release the footage publicly due to the atrocities being committed, and worries that the natives will be judged harshly for their cannibalism despite being provoked to violence by the ignorant outsiders. In an effort to convince his employers to never release the film, he shows them the worst footage in which the group captures and takes turn raping a young tribal girl, then impaling her on a huge wooden pole. In another ridiculous moment, the group pretends the woman was killed by her fellow tribespeople despite having just filmed themselves raping her.

At this time the tribe descends on them, killing their cameraman with a spear and cutting off his genitals. For some inexplicable reason the survivors decide to stick around and film as he is dismembered and eaten, and somehow are not discovered just feet away in the bushes. When they try to flee the female is captured and raped (of course the cameraman again decides to remain behind to film it), and they are all beaten to death and eaten. The doctor is successful in convincing his employers to never release the footage, and the film ends with him lamenting "I wonder who the REAL cannibals are..." How poetic.

I must say that this film was comically bad. The producers ignore countless continuity errors, the acting is some of the worst I have ever seen (especially the female documentarian, who seems incapable of delivering her lines without retarded facial contortions), and they try to deny their own blatant racism in the depiction of the natives by revealing at the end that they were provoked to violence by the inhumanity of the western invaders. The real inhumanity displayed here is by the producers themselves, as they kill about a half dozen live animals (a small rodent, a pig, snake, turtle and a monkey) simply for shock value. At least most of the other films I have reviewed were good for a laugh, I spent most of the time while viewing Cannibal Holocaust just waiting for it to be over. It seems like the whole thing was just an excuse to show simulated rape. If that kind of thing is your bag, then go for it. Personally, I deleted this from my hard drive immediately after watching it, not out of shock, but out of disinterest.

In an effort to further my obsession with all things depraved I have been trying to see the most foul and disturbing films of all time. Tonight I review the 1987 West German cult classic, Nekromatik. This is another flick that was considered distasteful enough to warrant being banned in several countries due to it's depiction of graphic violence and necrophilia.

The plot centers on a young man named Rob who works in Germany for a company called Joe's Cleaning, which specializes in the removal of bodies from horrible accidents. He lives in a small apartment with his girlfriend Betty, who shares in his horribly violent fantasies. We are introduced to Rob when his team arrives in a van to clean up a car wreck, and they pick up the various pieces of corpses and place them into bags. After a long day's work Rob returns home with a few keepsakes to add to a collection of body parts in jars, and carefully deposits an eye and heart into their own receptacles. We then see his girlfriend Betty, who is currently bathing in a tub of human blood.

Rob daydreams about a rabbit being slaughtered, which is shown on screen (with a live rabbit, I guess to maintain artistic integrity) and likens it to a human autopsy. But he is about to take his fantasies further when a new opportunity arises. A man is accidentally shot by a neighbor and the body is dumped in a pond, decaying badly before the cleanup crew is called. Rob decides to steal the corpse instead of disposing of it, and returns home to present the prize to his girlfriend. She is clearly pleased and immediately explores the corpse's junk, which must not be up to par since she channels her inner MacGuyver and fashions a dong out of a condom covered pipe that she embeds in it's decaying groin. But don't get the wrong idea, this is all very tastefully filmed, particularly the part where she licks it's hanging eyeball while Rob makes out with it. The whole thing is hilariously paired with a romantic piano sonata, making it the classiest necrophilic three-way I have ever seen.

While Rob works all day Betty begins forming a deeper relationship with the body, laying in bed and fornicating with it, even reading romance novels to it. But after Rob is unceremoniously fired for leaving his bloody clothes in a locker to fester, Betty is visibly upset and takes the first opportunity of Rob's absence to steal the corpse and leave him. Rob takes the most logical course of action, which is to put their beloved house cat in a plastic bag and beat it to death. He then bathes with the cat's blood and entrails. Thankfully the slaughter of the cat is clearly fake, unlike the slaughter of the rabbit seen earlier.

In an attempt to forget about his woes Rob goes to see a horror film, but ends up leaving the theater unsatisfied with the movie as his tastes have clearly progressed beyond what the rest of the world considers "shocking". He goes home and attempts to kill himself with an overdose of pills and booze, but is ultimately unsuccessful but has a graphic dream of being undead and having a woman present him with a decomposing human head... cue the romantic piano as the two gleefully toss the head back and forth and prance through a field.

When he awakens to find he has failed in his suicide attempt, Rob travels to a seedy part of town to procure a prostitute, who he takes to a stereotypically foggy cemetery to strangle and then posthumously rape after he has trouble getting an erection. He falls asleep until awakened in the morning by an elderly gravedigger, whom Rob attacks and decapitates with his own shovel.

Faced with this irreconcilable chain of events, Rob decides to attempt suicide again with strengthened resolve, and repeatedly stabs himself in the stomach while an obviously fake penis fires a comical amount of semen and blood into the air. All this while the cheesy piano plays in the background, and cut scenes of the rabbit being slaughtered are shown in reverse, making a funny attempt to add an artistic edge signifying that Rob's death is, in reality, his birth. The final scene shows Rob's grave, and the film ends with a woman thrusting a shovel into the earth to dig him up. Although you only see her feet, one can only assume it is Betty coming to claim her former lover.

I must say that I liked this film despite it's sub-par effects and hilarious pairing of piano with scenes of violence. And although the theme of necrophilia is certainly disturbing, and I have a serious distaste for any depiction of animal abuse, there is something charming about the character of Rob who is far from an all powerful killer with no conscience. Indeed he is a rather pathetic miscreant who is at the mercy of his demented mind, and has no one to share his life with once Betty rejects him in favor of a dead guy with a steel pipe makeshift wiener. Check it out if you are the type of person who can get a chuckle out of cheesy horror films from the vintage era of the mid '70's to the mid '80's.

Hey there, movie people. It's me, Frisky Pete! Sorry I haven't been making movie writings for a while, but I have been spending most of my time at the free clinic getting critters scraped out of my leg wound. Having only one leg is real tough, especially if it keeps getting infected and smells like cheese all the time.

I was able to sneak into the movie house the other day and see the new Revengers movie. They said it was in 3D but all I saw was blurry. I bet the other people in the movie house only saw blurry too, since they all had to put on their glasses to see it right. I can't afford any glasses to see good. But I did get lucky because I spent the first ten minutes after the lights went out going through the trash cans by the door, and they hadn't cleaned them out from the previous movie! I got bunches of popcorn but most of it was wet and sticky with pop, but tasted way better than the dogfood in my pocket that I snuck in with me!

 The movie had a bunch of really powerful people breaking things a lot, and there was one that I really thought was cool. He was a big green man that yelled and broke everything in his way. I spent most of the movie waiting for him to start raping everyone in the movie, but he never did. That made me think the movie was not very realistic, since anyone that was that strong would definitely rape everyone he ran into. There was another guy that was red and had rocket feet, and another that had a really big hammer, like a super carpenter or something. But none of them were as neat as the giant green dude that wasn't raping anybody.

 I got pretty confused at what was happening in this movie, mostly since all the bright flashing lights kept giving me seizures. Every time my seizure stopped people were clapping in the movie house, so I felt pretty good that they were happy I was ok. Luckily I peed when I was having a seizure so I didn't have to go to the bathroom and risk getting thrown out like what happened to me last time. The movie house people are mean because they always seem to know that I don't have a ticket, even before I start running away from them.

 But in the end of the movie all the powerful people killed a bunch of flying insect men and then the movie ended. When everyone was leaving the movie I followed a woman who was walking, and when she got home I reached through her window and took her cat. It's a real good cat but it has only been two days and it's eye is already swollen shut. If I can remember where she lives I might give it back and try to take another person's cat. One without gross eye problems.

 But now I am back at the clinic and getting my bandage replaced. This clinic is better than the other ones because they don't have any stairs to hop up, and the one lady that scraped my leg last time is really nice, and has a big house with two cats inside it. I asked her about the cats but she got really weird and now she doesn't come into the clinic anymore. Maybe I'll stop by her house to talk about her cats. Maybe she wants to trade for a cat that has only one good eye.

 If my leg gets better I am going to go to another movie soon, but I don't know which one. I guess it doesn't matter, since I mostly only go there to stare at people and eat popcorn and candy. See you again sometime soon, internet people!

Me when I was in the paper

Great news for the people who read my postings on the internet!  Frisky Pete is gonna be a daddy soon!  I am extra happy about it, and decided I am not going to run away to Portland.  I do worry that the baby isn't hers, though.  I made lovings to a lot of homeless ladies this year.  To celebrate the good news I decided to spend my last $30 that I made killing squirrels for Arthur.  It is hard to kill squirrels when you only have one leg, but it is worth it because I really like the movies.

Not scary vampire movie

 The first place I went was the movie house by the library, which is probably my favorite because I sleep in the science section of the library because no one likes science, and it is only ten minutes hopping time from there to the movie house.  I only had money for my ticket so I had to steal a bag of popcorn from a man that was either a kid or a midget.  He didn't cry, just looked at me funny so I guess he was a midget.  The movie house was showing "Breaking Dawn", and there was a lot of little girls and gay dudes.  It is weird how they like the same things all the time, like clothes shopping and talking about Justin Bieber.  It was about vampires and werewolves but it wasn't scary at all, and there was only a love story and not any murders.  The film makes no effort to hide it's pandering toward the target demographic, and is riddled with unintentionaly funny moments.  I am glad I didn't pay for my popcorn, because I felt ripped of when I was leaving.

Happy Feet Two Movie

 Then on last Monday I went to the movie house in the, the one that only has 2 stores and is really depressing.  I was already by there because a guy gave me a wagon to ride in and I had to go get it.  Now I can park it on the sidewalk with my thumb out for hitch-hiking, and sometimes people are nice and pull the wagon for a ways.  The movie I saw there was "Happy Feet Two".  It was mostly kids, but I got to look at the moms when we were in line.  A man came over to tell me to go away but I had a ticket so he had to fuck off.  There was a snowy fish-bird (I can't remember the bird type) that danced a lot.  I felt sad because I don't have as many feet as the fish-bird so I can't dance. Fans of the Oscar winning 2006 film will find their expectations are not met in this sequel, and despite the able voice acting it is curiously out of step.

The Immortals movie

 The last movie I saw was "The Immortals", which I saw at the mexican people's theater.  I went there because I only had $4 left and they will let you in there for that much.  Some lady told the movie people that she saw me pee in a trash can outside, but I told them she was just racist and they let me go.  The movie was real good, with lots of swords and magic and stuff.  I didn't even mind that they were all talking mexican in the movie, because it was mostly fighting.  The people behind me moved because I was yelling too loud at the screen, but I didn't care.  The hyperstylized visual approach can keep the intrest of some viewers, but the lack of narrative direction quickly alienates the "over thirty" crowd.

I can get to lots better panhandling spots now that I have a wagon, so I will see more movies soon.  If you see me please give me money because I will have a baby as long as Julia stops shooting dope, and I don't want to work at the glory hole in the park bathrooms again.  See you soon, internet people!

Me with more teeth than now

Hey there, movie people! It's me, Frisky Pete. Sorry that I wasn't on the internet for bunch of weeks but I was living it up in the jail. They give you lots of food that wasn't even from trash cans, and I got all the methadone I could swallow, but they made me go a week ago because public nakedness is not a big enough crime to stay longer. Since then I was able to go to some more movies, especially since I found a bus pass in the mud.

Just two days ago I went to see a movie called "Footloose" that was a lot like another movie that I saw a long time ago, but I can't remember the name of that movie. There was lots of old people at the movie, and it smelled like popcorn and band-aids in the movie room. I was tired from drinking and I missed a lot of the movie because I was going to the bathroom a lot, and it takes a long time when you have one leg. Then I started going on the floor in the back of the rows of seats, which is ok because there is a slope and the pee goes away from you. The movie was about farming, dancing, and high school. I have never done any of those things. Although it is less ambitious remake than some in recent memory, the overall tone quite capably reflects the rebellious nature of the source material.

Next I went all the way across town to the Mexican's movie house, the one that is cheaper than other ones. That way I can pay for tickets with change, which makes the teenagers at the other movie places look angry at me. I paid for a mexican movie but went into the room for "Real Steel". I like that movie house also because it smells real bad, and nobody looks at me for how bad I smell. This movie had real big robots that punch other robots. I wondered why the robots weren't punching all the people, but I couldn't tell because the movies were in Mexican and I can't hear it good. The film has some exciting boxing scenes that will please the target demographic, but the father-son story feels a little forced and out of place. Overall it will be satisfying only to those with low expectations.

After I saw the first two movies I went to look at the "Paranormal Activity 3" one, mostly because it is the scariest real life movie series in the world. The killing ghosts are back in this movie, and the people still don't believe it right away. I think all people in haunted houses should have video cameras so we can see the ghosts. There is a little kid in this one that the ghosts really like, just like in the movie "Poltergeist". This movie made me so scared that I moved my box under a light so there isn't any dark around me at night. The third installment in the Paranormal Activity franchise remains largely a by-the-numbers thriller, but has some genuine thrills between the movie clichés. Fans will genuinely approve.

I am going to try to see some more movies but I have to find out if I got an old woman that lives in the park pregnant. If I didn't then I can spend all my begging dollars on movies. If I did then I am going to go live in Portland.