Rent A Friend
I could be that person you know. I could be that new friend, that new pal. We could really form a great friendship. What do you think? Should we go grab a beer, pal? Yeah?! Well alright, my rates run around $250 an hour, it's a double rate on weekends. I do have a punch card, if you spend more than $50000, you get a whole hour free.
What!? Why are you so mad? ........ It's not fucked up!..... What do you mean friendship isn't a service to be rented? This is fucking America buddy! I am an entrepreneur, a businessman, a trail blazer. I am the fucking American dream! There are people in need and I provide a service. I am currently the best friend of 207 clients. I am a damn good friend!
I tell the opposite sex how great my clients are. I am a devilishly generous wing-man. I am the embodiment of persuasiveness. I could talk a "10" into giving you a blumpkin in a Fast Food Bathroom and she would love you for it. I could help you tell your insanely religious father that you are gay, so well, that he comes out to you! I am that fucking good!
My friendship has created legends. You ever hear of a little bitch named Ryan Seacrest? Best fucking friends since 1993! What about Lady Gaga? Poker Face is about me! You ever hear of a little President of the United States George W. Bush? Me and G-Dubs are bro bros.
I have been providing retail friendship since childhood. I would hang out with kids after school in exchange for their pudding cups and fruit role-ups. I could make any situation fun. A kid's dad is beating his ass? Didn't matter when he was hanging out with me. I chased all the troubles away. I still do. I am the immaculate conception of best friendedness!
Oh, now you are interested in my friendship? Why the fuck would I want to be friends with you? You're a dick!