Dick Scustin and the Big Bad Wolf
|Richard Theobald Scustin|
Once upon a time, nestled amongst rolling hills and green valleys, just beyond a babbling brook, there was a beautiful enchanted kingdom. The kingdom was inhabited by a amazing assortment of happy villagers and magical creatures.
Skipping down a flower lined cobblestone path was a pretty young girl. She carried a wicker basket overflowing with delicious treats and sweets. Roast chicken, mince pies, chocolates and puddings, all of her grandmother’s favorite foods.
The little girl wore a bright red cloak, it’s hood barely covered her bright yellow hair. She had a soft, sweet voice which produced a giggly song. She skipped and sang accompanied by an entourage of adorable woodland creatures.
Happy as she was, the little girl needed to be careful. Not every creature in the forest was kind of heart. Her sweet smelling food, as delicious as it was, attracted an unsavory character. Watching from the bushes, drooling slightly was the Big Bad Wolf.
The wolf wanted that basket of food and badly. If he were to snatch the basket now, the entourage of forest creatures would see and report him to the lumberjack. The last thing the Big Bad Wolf wanted was a visit from that pearly toothed, mountain of a man. But how could he get this delicious basket without the other creatures witnessing his crime? He traveled further up the road and sat down on a log on the side of the cobblestone path. The wolf straightened his frayed, musty black suit and tried to act nonchalant, waiting for the girl to pass by.
Moments later, the red clad girl skipped up the lane right in front of the wolf. The wolf greeted the girl. “Good day my dear, what brings you so deep into such dangerous woods?”
The girl responded with a beaming smile. “Me granmoffers sick she is. I’m off to give her treats and such, I am.”
“Treats you say?” asked the wolf with a devilish smile, his stomach gurgling. The wolf smiled wryly at the girl and said “How much further is your journey, surely your grandmother cannot live too far away?”
The girl replied “Nah, she lives just aroun’ the bend, she does. Little cottage with a white picket fence, it is.”
“It sounds lovely” said the wolf “Have a safe journey and please tell your grandmother to get better for me.”
“Right then, bye mista’ wolf” said the girl as she continued to skip down the lane, her sweet song sailing on the breeze.
Once the girl was out of site, the wolf leapt off of his stump and sprinted through the forest. He knew exactly which cottage the girl described and if he hurried, he could beat her there.
The wolf exited the forest right in front of the little girl's grandmother's house. The wolf looked sheepishly over his shoulders. With no woodland critters in sight, he knocked on the door.
A little old woman in a dressing gown opened the door. The wolf grabbed the old woman, stripped off her gown and locked her in the basement. "Ooh! Getting cheeky are we!?" bellowed the excited grandmother and he shoved the basement door closed.
The wolf quickly threw on the grandmother's clothes and nestled himself under the thick blankets of her bed to anxiously await his visitor.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The wolf tried his best grandmother impression and said "Come in deary." The wolf waited, but nobody entered. Again, a knock on the door. Again the wolf said "Come in my sweet." and waited... again, nobody entered.
The wolf, confused and concerned, pull himself out of the bed and opened the front door. Greeting him was not the adorable girl with the basket of treats, but a surly man in camel hair sport coat clinging to a suitcase full of carpet samples, his face a patchwork of skin grafts. "You are not the little girl, er uh, my granddaughter." said the wolf.
"What the fuck are you talking about!?" grumbled the man "I ain't no little girl!"
"Then what do you want?" asked the wolf.
"I'm Dick Scustin, you want some carpets or what!?" Said Dick slamming his suitcase of carpet samples on top of a beautiful patch of begonias. Shamford's Quality Carpets, the best carpets in the whole goddamn kingdom!"
"I don't have time for this" said the wolf "My granddaughter will be here any minute." replied the wolf with annoyance in his voice.
"You mean that little rat in red? I told her this is my turf! I'm doing the door to door in this neighborhood today. I took that basket full of crap she was selling and booted it into the fucking river! That fucking scab!" Shouted Dick.
The wolf, stunned by this news, stared at the salesman with his mouth agape.
"You know what lady?" said Dick "you got some big fucking eyes. All the better to look at my quality carpet samples."
The wolf replied "Unless there is a roast chicken in that suit case, I am not interested."
A red rage grew in Dick's eyes. "If you don't want carpet then just fucking say so, you fucking cunt sack!" Dick's anger caused a tirade of profanity to spill from his mouth at the wolf. The wolf was so stunned by the onslaught, that he did not notice the lumberjack approaching the yard holding the hand of a crying little girl dressed in red.
The lumberjack saw the cross dressing wolf standing in the open doorway and pulled out his axe. Before the wolf had time to react, the double bladed wood axe was buried in his chest.
The wolf howled in pain as blood sprayed throughout the grandmother's house before dropping to the floor. The lumberjack pried the axe from the suffering wolf and proceeded to hack him into pieces. The little girl heard her grandmother's shouts and opened the basement door. Dick surveyed the interior of the cottage and noticing the blood and gore strewn rug, walked right up to the grandmother and said "It looks like you need new carpet!" It was his first sale in months.
Dick Scustin is still out there, banging on doors, swearing at the elderly, screaming at children and selling his carpets. They are quality carpets.