Master Bastard
Classtard

PI IN PROGRESS

Tim Jenson's - The Moopputs

Tim Jenson - Creative Genius

So there I was, down on the boardwalk doing my world famous Moopput Theater, when this fucking little paperwork bitch sticks me with a "Cease and Desist" order.  It says that the Henson Company thinks my Moopputs infringe on those cheap ass Muppets of theirs.  Bullshit!  I can out-puppet any of those fucking clowns at the Henson Company. 

They say my world renown Moopputs are just cheap knockoffs of their Muppets.  My Moopputs are completely original creations and I am fucking insulted that they would say otherwise.

Take for example, the crowd favorite, "Dermit the Toad".  He looks nothing like that cheap-ass piece of felt trash, Kermit the Frog.  Frogs and toads aren't even the same fucking animal!  Those money grubbing fucks at the Henson Company wouldn't know the difference between AIDS and Cancer if their grandmammys were dying of it!.  They are so fucking stupid.  Kermit and Dermit are completely different characters.  Kermit says "Hi-ho" and Dermit says "Howdy-hi".  That shit is like night and day.  Who the fuck says "Hi-ho" anyway?  I'll tell you who, fucking retards, that's who! 

Howdy-hi! It's Dermit the Toad.

Sweet fucking Christ!  I should be Cease and Desisting them!  If anything, they are stealing from me!  Henson has not had an original idea in decades.  I am the creative God!  I am the artistic genius!  In my last show, I had some real fucking drama!  Actual Goddamn acting!  Dermit and his inter-species life-mate "Miss Piggilty" were having to deal with real world fucking issues!  Dermit was trying to kick his meth habit and Miss Piggilty was not fucking having it!  "You're my best mule Dermit!" screamed Piggilty "The only way you are getting out of the game is if I fucking let you out!".  That shit is fucking real!  The kids today need to know how the world really fucking works!

Miss Piggilty deals with real world fucking issues!

I've never seen the Muppets do anything even close to reality!  It's always friendship and teamwork and all that other Communist bullshit!  I bet you've never seen Gonzo disinfect a shiv wound with bleach.  I bet the Swedish Chef has never been accused of gay rape!  This is the shit today's kids have to fucking deal with.  I can't tell you how many dicks I have had to suck to buy felt for my masterful Moopput creations.  I bet Jim Henson never even sucked one dick!

Those fuckers can't stop me!  I am doing the children of the world a great fucking service!  If you want your kids to grow up thinking that life is full of fun and games and bullshit, then let them watch the Muppets.  If you want you kids to grow up strong and fucking street-smart, send them to me.  I will dazzle your tykes with my fucking brilliance.  Just remember, sometimes a pig puppet needs to trade a handjob for crack.  That's real life!